Hi Everyone,

I am new to this page. I was given this website from the oncology office I visit with my pets. I really need some guidance. I have two kitties that have cancer, and one other one that is suspected of having cancer as well. Timber was the first one diagnosed with it. I have had her 13 years. She has lived in HI, CA, and VA. Last Feb of 2006, I was rubbing her tummy and found a hard bump. I brought her to the vet and she felt the bump and her facial expression said it all, it was bad. I didn't know how bad yet. She suggested we remove it and prepared me for the fact that more than likely it was mammary adenocarcinoma. She went under the knife the and shortly after the biopsy results came back. They confirmed mammary adenocarcinoma. The prognosis was terrible and depended largely on the size of mass. I tried to stay positive. In July, my kitty Blue Eyes unexpectly passed away. I found him in the process of dying and we tried to rush him to the ER but he died in my arms on the way there. I have never felt such pain. He was a beautiful boy.

Fast forward to August, Timber was still around but the next mass showed it's ugly head. Again, I opted to have the mass removed. The mass was removed successfully but again the grim statistics followed. In September I was told her kidneys were failing. That I could change her diet and give her fluids and it might keep her around longer. I decided to try that option. I drove her diligently every day to the vet for her fluids. It paid off, her numbers started to improve and I thought I was out of the woods.


In the meantime, I noticed my other kitty Noel was throwing up a lot and losing weight. Noel is Timber's baby. I finally brought her to the vet. They did bloodwork and that came back normal. Next they wanted to do a chest xray. Her chest xray showed fluid in the lungs. I was told to get an ultrasound. I decided to do it. The next day I met with the cardiologist that was going to perform the ultrasound. She let me observe the ultrasound. She showed me that there was a tumor at the base of the heart. They wanted to do a biopsy. I agreed. The results came back nonconclusive. I felt at a loss. I decided to call veterinary schools and was referred to Veterinary Cancer Group. I was able to get an appointment with Dr Rosenberg who is the CEO and founder. I felt hopeful when she told me that 75% of lymphoma patients go into remission which is what she suspected Noel had. She decided to treat it that way when the labs she did also came back nonconclusive. So off I went, driving weekly to her appointments which were an hour away.


Thanksgiving day, I noticed she was having trouble breathing. I rushed her to the ER and learned that fluid filled her lungs. I had them drain it. She recovered and was fine. The next day I brought her back to the vet to be checked. They said she was dehydrated and wanted to give her fluids. I agreed. I had trouble sleeping that night and eventually dozed off on the sofa. For whatever reason, I woke early in the morning to find Noel breathing opened mouth. I grabbed her and ran to the ER again. They had to drain fluid again. Again she recovered.


In the meantime, I noticed Timber was breathing quite loudly. I was concered about it and brought her to the vet. They did an xray and found the cancer had spread to her lungs. I decided to bring her to see the vet and try to get her some chemo. The prognosis was terrible, 40% of her living greater than 1 month. Nonetheless, I decided it was worth it. So every week I drive both Timber and Noel to their chemo. A short time later I learned Timber's levels came back in a good range. I could do the fluids 3/week. The chemo for her is very complicated because most treatments could damage the progress we made for her kidneys. The doctors have been very cautious.


Recently I was told Noel was in remission. I was so overjoyed and felt it was all worth the stress, missed work, expense, everything. But then all of a sudden she started throwing up and acting so lethargic. I brought her in and was told it was a reaction to chemo. I left and just let her be. I noticed she seemed to be getting worse so I decided to take her temp. She had a fever. I was in a bad spot though because it was on the weekend and the oncologist is not open on Sundays. I had to bring her to the ER. Long story short, they decided she needed to be hospitalized. Her white blood cell count had dropped dangerously low. After a few days, they told me she was back on track and I could take her home. I took her and within hours of getting home, she slipped again into a bad place. I brought her back and they decided to rehospitalize her. She finally normalized and went home with me. However, she kept throwing up. Several more visits to the vet and I found out her red blood cell count was dropping. Syringe feeding is not working. They think the cancer is back. She has been lethargic all weekend, not moving not interactive. Each time I syringe feed her, she vomits it all back up either right away or hours later. I can't bear to see her this way. Timber also seems to have taken a turn for the worse with her breathing.


So in a very long winded way, I need help, the courage, the strength, the forgiveness to set them free. Logically I know it's the right thing to do for them both but my heart way over rules my brain and not in a logical capacity. If anyone has any words of wisdom, I would greatly appreciate it. I don't know how to let them go and still not feel like a murderer. If you are still reading, thank you for taking the time to read my post. I apologize about my posting..I am new on here and just did the basics.



Thanks,

Terri in CA

Terri,first of all I am so sorry that you are going thur such a difficult time right now.You have been thur a lot and I know it is so hard to think of losing your babies.I can't imagine what your going thur with the thought of losing not one but two of your furbabies at the same time.I can't tell you what to do all I can do is share with you what I did when I was in a similiar postion.Back in Oct. my baby boy Sox had to be put to sleep because he had kidney failure and they was nothing more they could do for him.Making the decision to let him go was the most diffcult thing I have ever had to do......First of all you need to try and think about what is best for your kitties and not for yourself.I;m sorry if that sounds cold and I don't mean for it to.I just mean that you must ask yourself a few questions and be prepared to answer them honestly.Do they have good quality of life? Do they still get enjoyment out of every day living? Are they in any pain? Do they just lay around or do they play and run around like they did before they got sick? I know you have been to hell and back with all of the doctor's appts. chemo treatments,etc. but there does come a time when you must say,enough is enough.Only you can determine when that time is.I wish I could offer you more hope but in reality we must all face the day when we lose our beloved pets no matter what we do for them.I am so sorry your going thur this horrible ordeal and I wish I could come to you and give you a hug and just be there with you.I hope by knowing that your not alone in your pain and that there are many others on this site who have and are going thur this same pain that it helps alittle bit.My thoughts and prayers will be with you tonight.I hope you'll find the answers you are searching for.And stop listening to your heart and listen to your head.You'll know when it's time to let them go.I know that is so terribly hard to think about so if you pray then ask for guidence.Please come back and let us know how your doing.I care and so do many others here.Take care and be good to yourself.My heart goes out to you.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

I'm sorry about Blue Eyes, and I am sorry that your girls are now terminally ill.You can't....those terrible feelings of 'I murdered my child' will come with the decision no matter what you do, no matter how prepared you think you are, no matter how terrible their sufferring has become.....even if you are told that they won't see the very next day, anytime any of us (I feel like I can speak for most of us here) have ever made that dreadful decision those terrible feelings of guilt will come along with it. With that being said, it is still the right thing to do. You owe it to your kitties to do what is in their best interest even if it causes you unbearable pain. It has been 2 1/2 years since I made that heartwrenching decision for my girl, and the guilt of being the one to decide when her life should end is still just as overwhelming today as it was day one. I don't think it is something I will ever be able to come to terms with, HOWEVER, I do not regret doing it...doesn't make much sense does it?!? I know in my heart that I did what I had to do for my girl. I was able to stop her sufferring and that is something I'm greatful for, and I know if the tables were turned she would have done the same for me....no matter how hard or how badly it would hurt (and it hurt like hell! Still does!).

I can't make it easy for you to do what needs to be done, but I can share some 'regrets' I have that add to my pain and guilt and maybe you can learn from them...

I wish I would have had the vet come to my home to do it instead of taking her there....it would have been less stressful on her.

I wish I would have insisted on an I.V. catheter being placed instead of the pre-anesthetic given in the muscle...it burns and it made her cry out (that haunts me to this day. They do it in the muscle so as not to damage the veins they may need for the actual final injection, but a catheter prevents any damage being done.)

I wish I would have given her steak and ice cream and all those things she never got (because I was always afraid of the problems that 'table food' could cause...I'm a vet tech )

I wish I would have done some kind of journal or something to capture just how I was feeling and just how bad she really was when I made 'the decision'. Although I have my husband to remind me, my memory is very cruel and I torture myself with wondering if she was really ready..if she was really that bad...my husband says she was, and that she was ready months prior (he says I was in denial), but it would be comforting to me now if I could read it in my own words.

There is one thing I cherish more than anything....those last quite moments that I had with her before we left the house. I just layed with her. I felt her, I smelled her, I kissed and hugged her. I ran my hands over every inch of her and I took her all in. I told myself to memorize her...and I did. I still remember that very moment as though it was just yesterday and that is a blessing.

You have done everything you can do for your girls. The only thing left for you to do is to let them leave their failing bodies peacefully. Remember this...you are not taking their lives...the cancer has already decided that for you...you are only making that transition as painless and peaceful for them as possible....

Terri - I think Kim has said it all, very eloquently. If you have to decide when to let any of your babies go, there will never be a right time. There will never be a time when you don't feel like you are murdering them. There will never be a time when YOU are ready to let them go - because they are your babies and more precious to you than most people will know - but here at this site, we know! All we can do is give you the benefit of our experience. I had to let my Old English Sheepdog, Shep go on 30th Dec and I am still very upset about it. Even though his body was failing him and perhaps he was ready to go - I wasn't ready to let him go, and the guilt of making that decision is haunting me.

What I can say is that we didn't have to go through all of the stuff you have had to. With the greatest of respect and without being hurtful (hopefully) it sounds like you are trying to reconcile the idea of euthanasia with yourself - you maybe know it's time but to take the decision to end your babies life is too much. But you are not ending their life (if their real spirit and characters have gone) , you are ending their suffering. So hard to accept - believe me I know this only too well.

Ask yourself the questions that Renee asks: are they enjoying life, do they still run about, do they still have an appet*ite etc. You will know the answers and what to do. I am so sorry you have 2 babies to think about - I'm sure you will come to the right decision for you.

Please come back and let us know how you are getting on. Take care.

Debbie
Sheps mama

Dear Terri,

Having to make this decision is one of the most awful things anyone ever has to do, and my heart goes out to you. I've been there several times and it is never easy, no matter how much you feel that you are doing the right thing.

Please know that, whatever you choose to do, you have acted out of love for your precious animals. You've already done so much more for them than many people in this world would have done, which is proof of your relentless love for them.

They have a terrible disease which is making the quality of their lives difficult for them, and no matter how much you love them and have tried to help them with every possible medical intervention, the horrible cancer is beyond what you can do, what any vet can do, or what the animals themselves can do to stop it.

If your poor, precious animals are in pain and no medical approach can help them any longer, then it is probably time to help them go before this horrid disease makes it any worse for them. It is never easy. Yes, you feel guilty, no matter what you do, however, I think it's important for you to remember that, if you choose to help them pass over before the cancer becomes worse, that it is your final act of love and caring toward them: to help them make their lives here as easy as possible. If the poor animals are dying anyway, and in pain because of this illness, then by helping them pass over, you are simply making that inevitable process easier for them; and by making things easier, you are showing them your unending love, as always.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I wish there was something I, or anyone, could say or do to help make this difficult time easier for you. All I can say is the people here are wonderful, and it does help to have a place to come to, for support, for compassion, and for understanding.

My heart goes out to you and your precious babies, no matter what decision you decide to make.

Terri

Oh my heart just goes out to you! What a mess. I'm just so sorry you have to go through this! I'm so very sorry you lost Blue Eyes.

I think others have said the profound things, I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and Timber and Noel. I'm wishing you the best.

This is so hard, 10 years ago I lost two cats just 5 weeks apart. It came close to killing me so I understand. Please let us know how you and the babies are doing.

You have the courage, the strength, and the forgiveness to set them free, I know you do. When the time comes, I know you will find it.

Thinking of you
Lori

I'm so sorry to hear about your kitties. How hard it must be to deal with this when it involves not one, but two little darlings.

I had to make the decision to say goodbye to my Alley on December 9th and it was the hardest decision I had to make, but I did it for her, because she would have suffered if I hadn't.

Your kitties know how much they are loved and I know they don't want to have to leave you either. I hope you have the strength to make the best decision for them.

Terri,

I'm sorry, too, about your loss of Blue Eyes, and now the terrible strain and decisions you're having to make about Timber and Noel. In case it might help ease your mind, I'd like to suggest you read through the article I'd posted under the Resources and Articles forum on this site, called "Defining Quality of Life". While not conclusive by itself, it has many reasonable guidelines for making this kind of huge decision, especially applicable for chronic illnesses. While it sounds like you've already decided, reading through the markers may help you accept things in your heart a bit more and help to assuage the feelings of guilt so many of us suffer both during and after.

Having fought so hard myself, using mainly alternative therapies, but also some mainstream medical treatments to prolong the life of my baby girl and retain a reasonable quality of life for her, I know how agonizing these decisions are, even while getting reprieves along the way. All I can say is that no one can truly tell you how to judge either your kidlets' lives OR your own capacity to keep going/trying, but yourSELF. You know both them and yourself best, and so these decisions have to come from within, and often it's one's heart that knows more than one's head, but both have to be considered, as best you can....which may not be as perfectly as you'd wish. And for myself, since I never wanted to jump the gun, I also considered how human end-of-life issues are handled and tried my best to weigh that into the whole picture. It depends so much on what you already believe, so no one can do more than give their opinion...and you've gotten many good ones here already. If you asked me today if I made the very best decision for my girl, I still couldn't tell you 100% yes....but I've come to accept that I did do the best I knew how at the time, also factoring in the total distress that goes hand in hand with euthanasia. I still have regrets, but they're not as bad as they might have been had I not done much serious thinking and observing first.

We all wish for perfection and black and white answers, but life's challenges really aren't that simple, so we just do our best and try to forgive ourselves for our mistakes or omissions, but that's always in hindsight. So if you can try to cover as many bases as you can think of, but realize at the same time that you'll never cover ALL possibilities, you will indeed be doing your best for both your kidlets AND yourself. And there's nothing more you can ask of yourself. As so many of us say ....only our own lifetime here is long enough for our babies to be here, too. If nothing else, I console myself with the fact that I'd rather I suffer the grief of their transition, rather than them being left without me, which would be much worse, to my mind. I pray you will be given all the help and resources you need, both within and without, in all your decisions. Please trust yourself, even if you don't think you can.

When our furbaby is terminally ill and in pain, it is time to give that final gift of love - to help him or her leave this earth without fear or more pain. When is the time right? It is hard to tell - but I believe in using the same standards that we would apply to ourselves or a human relative. Some people euthanize their pets out of self interest or for convenience - the pet is incontinent, fussy, messy. Others like you, because of your great love and compassion, suffer over making the decision, and cannot let go.

You will always have second thoughts, doubts, guilt, but remember that a decision made with love can not be morally wrong.

It is never easy to say good-bye to a dear friend, a pure love, a furbaby, but it is not good-bye forever. You will meet again, and what a beautiful reunion that will be.

I am truly sorry for your position and understand it well, having been there mysefl.

Best wishes,

Daisy's Mommy
Daisy, who passed away in my arms on April 1, 2006.

Terri,

First, I am deeply sorry that you and your furbuddies are going through this. I have little in the way of wisdom and noone can tell you what to do ... you have to do what you are comfortable with both for yourself and your precious little ones.

I too was faced with a similar choice as yours. My little guy, Snoops, had a brain tumor and his pronosis was bad ... I was lucky in that he lasted 8 months after diagnosis but in the end I had to make the same decision you are faced with with your guys. I also felt like a murderer or excutioner but I finally realized one fact that in my pain I had overlooked. You are not making the decision to let your little ones go .... that decision has already been made by someone else. The decision you are making is how that is going to happen. What I mean by this is that your little guys are going to be leaving you ... unfortunately noone is going to be able to keep that from happening ... however you have been granted the decision on how painless that passing will be. I don't know if this helps you or not but it did help me during those final moments with my little guy ... I gave him the only thing I had left to give him ... he passed quietly in my arms surrounded by love.

You have already done everything humanly possible for your little guys ... no matter what your final decision is ... you need to believe that. They will be waiting for you ... this is only a temporary separation.

Hugs,
Beth

Hi Everyone,

I am sorry I have not had a chance to write- things have been a rollercoaster ride lately. Noel started to pop back and then she took a nose dive. Today, Saturday February 10th 2007 I am going to have her put to sleep. Her white blood cell count is over 40,000 and her red blood cell count, only 4%. I hate this so much but she is in agony. People are right, you do know when it's time. She started to hide under the Christmas tree (yes, it's still up- too much going on), she had discharge coming out of her eyes, she's staring out blankly, and she's not very responsive. It's terrible. So I want her to be free and happy so tomorrow I am letting her go. Please pray for us. I am terrified. Thank you all so much for being supportive. I especially want to say thank Kim R- you made me feel so much better about what I needed to do by simply reminding me of the simple fact that cancer is what is killing Noel, not me. I know this is going to hurt more than anything but I have realized now I am doing her the best favor I can, taking away her pain. Thank you all so much. I am probably going to need a lot of e-hugs after I do this. I will also say sorry now for however sad and hopeless I get from this whole thing. I am just sitting here with her next to me. I can't sleep because I know it's my last night with her. And that hurts more than I can say. Well I think I have said enough. Thank you so much to all of you for sharing what you have been through. I am so sorry so many of you have had to walk the same road. My heart goes out to you.

Terri

Dear Terri,
I know that you have had the strength & the terrible experience of releasing Noel from her pain today. You have done the best thing you could for her, even though it might not feel that way now. I had to make that decision for my best beloved Furry last July & although I so wanted her to live beyond 12 years there was no way she could survive any more. I am crying now for our lost loved ones - they will always be alive in our hearts & our memories.
Judith

terri- my thoughts are with you. you are doing what you need to do..this wonderful animal trusted you always to make the right decisions. we are kinder to our animals than to people who are in pain and terminally ill. as hard as it was to put our wonderful dog to sleep on feb 1st, the whole family (kids and all) experienced a poignant and gentle easing away for our furry love...it was as good an event as it could be under the cir%%stances and i pray that is how it is for you today. the pain will ease...the lonely feeling continues....the memories make us laugh and cry....it is part of our journey....krista

Terri

I'm so sorry you are losing your Noel, we do know when it's time. I'm so sorry it's today. You are strong enough to take the pain for her now, I know you are. Please keep us updated on how you and Timber are doing.

Thinking of you and Noel

Terri

I'm so sorry it has come time for you to say goodbye to your beloved Noel. I know how hard that decision is to make. Noel understand more than you may know though, and knows that you are doing what is best for her. Having the courage to let them go when they are suffering is the last, and best, loving decision you can make for them.

I know how much it hurts. Believe me, I know. You aren't really saying goodbye though, just "goodbye for now". Noel will always be a part of you and always be in your heart. There are a lot of wonderful kitties waiting for her over the rainbow bridge, my Alley included. They will love and welcome her as they all wait for that day when we join them, never to be parted again.

We are here for you honey.

Paula

Terri

You are doing what is best for Noel and it is going to be a very rough few days. I just went through this Monday, it still hurts but the wonderful people here have helped immensely to get my husband and I get through this. A big e-hug and our thoughts go out to you.

<Hugs>
I am so sorry. Be strong as you say goodbye.

Ken Albin

Dear Terri and all your blessed cats,
You are taking such wonderful care of them, you are already showing your amazing strength, anyone of us knows what you must muster up to help your buddies get the final relief they are depending on you to do for them. You have it in you, you just never knew this, never had to do this before, its a very difficult first time experience, You,Timber & Noel, and your Blue Eyes, are in my prayers, Peace and love, Tory, Hrudey's momma

Terri,I do not have much to add to what the others have already said so perfectly.....you did know when the time was right.You loved your Noel and it was the right decision to put him to sleep.You didn't want him to suffer anymore than he had to.I know it's sooooo hard,probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do but it is an act of unconditional love and one that is always made with the best intentions for your beloved pet.I am sorry you had to make that choice but I truly pray that you find comfort in knowing that your Noel knew that you loved him and he was given a peaceful way to pass to the other side.You will meet him again and until then he will wait for you at a place called the rainbow bridge.My heart goes out to you and I hope that by knowing there are others going thur the same kind of heartache as you are that it helps you to find at least a little bit of comfort.I'll be thinking of you and sending you my prayers.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)