Caesar, can it be that it was a month ago that we buried you? Even those few words don't seem real, can't be real, can't have happened. Sixteen years of you in our lives, filling our house with your love, still finding bits of your soft, sweet fur I can't even bear to part with... Bits of fur stored away in a box, single wavey pieces of fur that can only be yours... tiny single strands more precious, more rare than diamonds now, more precious to my heart than I ever could have imagined possible. Oh, my beautiful darling Caesar ... bits of you drive me to my knees in sorrow and tears...

One month ago, today. Unspeakable thoughts, breaking hearts, how can a human heart be so fragile?

Eyes that look into your soul. Beautiful button eyes that can no longer see. Eyes that I see in my thoughts, forever boring into my soul. A soft little mouth, a warm little chin resting on my lap...

"Mommy.... why are you crying?"

"Oh, Caesar-pup, mommy just misses you so very, very much..."

"Mommy, I miss you too..."

Oh, Creator of All, please allow me to be as strong as he thought I was....


Caesar, I love you and miss you so very much ~~ Please visit me in my dreams so we may at least have the dream-time together, once more... Caesar-pup, mommy could use one of your puppy-smiles, about now...

Oh Amarna,
My heart goes out to you on this sad day. I know how much you miss your boy. If there were any way I could take away your sadness for just one moment I would.

Love,
V

Oh, V, thank you so very, very much for your post. I have read your story on this board as well, and cried with you for the loss of your sweet baby.... I'm here, today...I need this site, today... I need to be "with" people like you today...

It's a bad day... My Caesar loved the snow... he must have taken all the snow with him when he left, this year... Oh, where's the snow and my little boy...

Amarana

Unfortunately we share this sad anniversary, as it was also one month ago today that my Alley kitty was put down. It hardly seems real, I know. Has it really been a month?

I don't know what I would do without this site and the people here.

Amarna

Oh your Caesar was so handsome! I can tell by your post how much you miss him. I'm so sorry you lost him. Gosh I love his name!

We lost our cat, Moustache two months ago. We still have a couple of small bags of his fur, we are going to make a pillow out of it. I know that fur thing, like you get to keep a small bit of them.

Your Caesar loved the snow, My Moose loved the fall and the leaves. He left on October 23 so the leaves were all on the ground. I have a fall leaf on top of his urn. I hope you get some snow, although it will make you cry, it's nice to see the things they loved.


I have said much the same thing to my husband. That Moose would never have left us if he didn't KNOW we could, somehow, handle it. I try to be strong for him but it's so hard. Maybe somehow all of us here help each other to be as strong as our babies thought we were. Right now I don't feel so strong, silly guys didn't you know we weren't even as tough as we thought we were?

Thinking of you and your Caesar
Lori

Oh, Alleys Mommy, your Alley kitty is so beautiful... Look at that lovely coat...

A month of tears. A month of looking back. We buried our baby a month ago, today, but we said goodbye a month and a day, before. Yesterday and today... a month ago.... A month frozen in time, it seems.

I'm also thinking of you and your dear Alley Kitty today... *hugs* Thanks for your kind words.

Dear Amarna,

Oh, your loving sentiments to and about your boy made me cry even harder than I already am every day. I know how precious that fur is ~ I have a bag of it myself, saved from many of Nissa's weekly grooming sessions, and unfortunately only a tiny amount saved from Sabin's glossy coat...before I'd thought to save more.

Their eyes....the ones that said it all, without words needed. I, too, called Nissa's eyes "beautiful button eyes"....she was my Kitten-Button With The Big, Button Eyes. The soul-gazing between those who loved each other in ways larger than the entire Universe.....yes, you expressed it well.

These 'first' anniversaries are so much harder than mere words can ever express, and I'm so sorry you're right in the midst of your own....not that any other day is necessarily much better...but the calendar seems to mock us with its relentless march forward, when time should have simply stopped, in total honour of our love, our bond and now our pain.

I pray for strength, and dream visits for you, too...and for all of us who love our babies as only we could...the babies who were meant for each of us alone. I also pray to be, and feel, as strong as my precious kidlets always were....so much more than I was or am...this feeble, mere human being.

Rest on those of us who know of what you speak, today and in all the days ahead.

Lori, thank you for your very kind words about my Caesar. Your picture of Moustache made me smile, with that adorable "moustached" face!! What a cutie! I tried to post a picture of Caesar, but I must be doing something wrong. Can't think straight, today, I guess.

I understand how you must feel about the fall leaves. The fall leaf on the urn is a lovely idea and tribute. My Caesar was born on October 16, and he loved the fall. I can't imagine the Spring without him, as well. How he used to love and revel in each season... It snowed for just a few minutes the day we said goodbye to Caesar, just a couple of hours before... It hasn't snowed before that this season, or since...

Again, thanks for your kind words about my baby. Take care, and *hugs*.

Furkidlets Mom ~~

How very well said, about the calendar mocking us as time marches forward, unheeding of the tears shed in the name of our oh-so-loved ones...Very, very well said... Thanks for your understanding words. Thanks to all of you, if I don't get a chance to respond to someone I missed. Your words are pondered and the kindness appreciated of each one of you. Just like the words to describe grief, it's also quite impossible to find just the right words to say thanks, as I'm so verbally clumbsy at this time.

Amarna,

Another sad anniversary. I wish I could tell you that month 3 and month 4 would bring fewer tears. Maybe month 5?

It was hard for me to post Macks picture. Your kind words about his beauty, I take as a compliment indeed coming from the Mother of magnificent Caesar, (and Copper, and Alley and Moose, and Hrudy the beauty)

Thank you all for giving me a cyber-shoulder.


Macks Mom,
Dayna

Amarna,what a beautiful name you have.I,too,am so sorry you have to go thur this pain.We are approaching the 3 month anniversary of losing our boy Sox and I am dreading it.It is soooooooo much harder than I ever thought it would be! Your Caesar knew that you loved him and you gave him a wonderful life.You will see him again some day when it is your time to pass into the next life.I know that doesn't help much when you are left here to miss him and grief for him.My thoughts and prayers are with you tonight.I hope you find peace in knowing that we are all thinking of you and reaching out thur cyperspace to you,our friend.My heart is right there with you,hurting and missing our babies.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

Renee, thank you for that. And it does indeed help to hear that I'll see my Caesar again, when it's my time to cross over. Even though we've heard it and read it many times before, it does seem to ease the pain, even if only for an instant, and at this time, we would make an instant last so much longer, if we could. Your beautiful Sox reminds me so much of one of the kitties I knew in my childhood. What a pretty kitty! Three months.... I'm wondering if there will ever be any difference in the number of months that pass, and the feelings these different kinds of "anniversaries" bring. Again, thanks for your kind words. Many blessings to you and your dear Sox.


I love you, Caesar...

Dear Dayna, Myhrtisbrokn, it was so nice to read your words, here. Thank you. I understand how hard it was to post the picture of your lovely Mack. It was hard the very first time for me, too, knowing the type of topic and site this was, and then choosing to put Caesar's picture here. Not the idea of sharing was hard, but another "first", at something like this. All the "firsts" are so very hard... The "firsts", the daily "first" chores, the "first" events, the "first" holidays, the firsts in life after they are no longer here with us as they were. More "anniversaries" of the mundane that bring more memories, and with them, the inevitable tears that always seem to go along with them. Mack is such a beautiful dog. Look at that coloring! I'm glad you chose to share your baby's picture with the rest of us. The love here, I feel like maybe Caesar guided me to this site. All the "what if's". But the love is never an "if", at least. Love is never, ever doubted. That much we can count on. Blessings to you, Dayna.

Another month, has passed. Now it's two since I've seen you. Caesar, I miss you so much. I still find bits of your fur which I can't even part with. I've had a few dreams. Thanks for visiting me, if only briefly, and only in the dreamtime. What I wouldn't give to hold you once more, your darling face next to my heart, to feel your beautiful fur coat, even if only for a few seconds. I would make those seconds last for an eternity. My tears seem to need keeshond fur to dry them. Keeshond fur to heal my heart. My Caesar to heal my world. What a precious and rare jewel you were in my life, my Caesar-pup. Two whole months... and it feels like it was only yesterday.... I love you, Caesar.

Amarna,

Tomorrow will be two months also since Alley passed so I do know how you feel. I would give anything just to hold her one more time.

Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you on this sad anniversary.

Alley's Mommy ~~

I remember when i read your story and realized that someone else shared practically the very same sad day, last December. I will be thinking of you, tomorrow, as well. Tomorrow is the anniversary of when we laid our beautiful doggie down for a peaceful nap under our willow tree. How long will it take until these monthly anniversaires won't be so painful? Tomorrow is Friday. "That day" was a Friday. If not the date, then the day of the week's rememberance is painful. Weekly, monthly....daily. Hourly. 4:45.... Are you feeling any different, now, than two months ago, where the pain is concerned? I still cry every day. Sometimes, much more than others, but tears have dropped every day, since. I keep thinking that I should have felt much more healing by now. And in some ways, I guess I do. After all, I have not felt the sick knot in my stomach at the feeling that I betrayed my baby, for a few weeks, now. Not the sick feeling, anyway. But I still do feel so much guilt and terrible sadness at what we did. They say we should feel like we did them a favor, but I don't feel that way. I would tell others that they did the right thing, but why don't I feel this way for myself? .........

Thank you for your thoughts, Alley's Mommy. Your kitty, Alley, is so very lovely..... I really like your tribute picture of Alley. Well done, my friend.

Amarna

I miss you, Baby....

Amarna,

Gawd....Caesar is SUCH a gorgeous boy...he takes my breath away, and those are really fabulous picures of him!

One month tomorrow.....it's gonna be hard, for sure. They all are, usually for at least the first year, depending on who you are and the environment you're in. The grief 'experts' say a loss is, on average, grieved for anywhere from 2-5 years, sometimes less or more, depending on many factors. I'm heading towards my 6th month now and it doesn't seem like that long AT ALL. I still cry almost every day, too...just for smaller periods each day....usually. And if I don't cry one day, or maybe even two, it all seems to rather catch up to me and I cry even harder the next day, to 'make up' for the break.

I say, if you've had ANY 'success' in only the first month, you're doing fine with your grief. Give yourself the credit you're due for that, but don't expect overly much from yourself yet. You need much more time and work to heal. Remember, it's a process, not a quick fix, and processes usually take time, and work.

The guilt....same thing. It's always different when it strikes US, rather than someone else. To us, it's personal, so not as easy to overlook in ourselves. I don't mean to be disheartening, and keep in mind my cir%%stances were different than yours, but I took years to get over the guilt I had about our Sabin. Yet with Nissa, it's much different, because so were the cir%%stances, and so were my decisions and actions. For Nissa, there's very little and they're not nearly as seemingly insurmountable or huge as they were for Sabin's passing. It took a LOT of work for the ones over him. But I learned from that, and so will you.....over time, and work.

Just feel whatever you feel and be aware of your thoughts and feelings....especially your feelings. In the first year, most of our griefwork is about just feeling. It has to be, because we're hurting too badly to leave room for much else. Just be however you are, even though it stinks. And do something personal tomorrow to commemorate your beautiful, precious Caesar, and if that brings you more tears, or even a ti*tch of peace for an instant or two, so BE it. Treat yourself as you would have your beloved boy, with gentleness and tenderness, compassion and love. You'll get through it, tough as it may be. Thinking of you (and Alley's Mama)....

After Death
by Edwin Arnold

" Farewell master, yet not farewell,
Where I go, ye, too shall dwell,
I am gone before your face,
A moments time, a little space,
When ye come where I have stepped
We will wonder why we wept"


It's so hard, Amarna. Sometimes grief creeps up, and knocks me back on my heels when I least expect it, and on anniversaries when I do expect it.

your Caesar was sooo...beautiful. I'm so sorry that you lost him, but I envy the time you had with him.

Take care,
Dayna

Amarna

Oh the photos of your Caesar are so wonderful, he was soooo handsome, so regal. Ceasar was a great name for him, he was an emperor. I'm so sorry on this anniversary, they are hard.

It's three months for me, and I still cry every day. Not all day for sure but at least once a day I can count on tears falling. I was watching tv this morning and something someone said had me in such tears. About how we never know which birthday is the last and we should never take them for granted. My baby passed just 3 weeks before his birthday, we were looking forward to it, planing it, god. Now I'm sobbing again.


Well the cycle won't be complete for a year. I lost a baby 10 years ago and each month was hard for the first year. Plus the other 'firsts' the first birthday, holiday and so on. The monthly anniversarys do get better, the yearly ones haven't for me.

I'm seeing that Mondays aren't so hard for me anymore, I even forgot one (Monday is my 'friday"). It's seems to me that the healing process is one of just one day looking at it and then knowing it's somewhat better. Not any big thing but little things. I feel more calm most times, I have accepted things better, and I'm not reliving that awful night so much. Baby steps. Same thing with the guilt, someone said we take on the pain so they don't have to. Maybe that will give you some comfort. You did your best and loved him so. Looking at that gorgeous face I know how much you must miss him.

Love

Amarna,

Your Caesar was so beautiful! I just love his coloring. I too remembered that we nearly share this sad anniversary. Has it already been a month since we went through the last one?

Thank you for your kind words about Alley. Today is 2 months. Tomorrow is Saturday again "that day". I don't spend all day every day crying now, but I do cry every day.

Somehow, we will all get through this together.

Oh, my gosh, you have all so overwhelmed me with your words of kindness and support! You don't know how much all your words mean to me, right now. (Well, looking at how we can count on support at this site, maybe you do know!)

Furkidlets' Mom, thank you so much for your kind words about Caesar's photos. He loved the beach so much... Keeshonds have that Dutch-barge-dog thing going on, *splash*! He loved the water and the pool so much. Thank you for all your suggestions. I'm taking your advice to heart, and I will not forget it. (I have a feeling my Caesar is high-fiving you, right now!) Thanks....

Dayna, everytime I see that picture of your gorgeous baby, I'm *so* impressed with that coloring! I've probably said that before, but it's so true. That poem is so moving. Thank you for posting it so I can read it, and re-read it without searching for it. It's something I need to believe... "The time I had with him...", I think my entire lifetime wouldn't have been enough. He spoiled me, he did.

Lori, your first paragraph brought me to tears. (again). But in a good way. I think you for that. I certainly always felt that Caesar was the king of my heart.
Your comment about hearing something on TV making you cry. Wow, that happens to me so many times. I'll be doing okay, and then something I hear, or see in the media, and that's it. I'm back to that day. That time. Or back to just missing him even more, if that's possible. I was thinking, too, about what you said about the yearly cycle, when that's complete. That that will be hard. And after that, I will have lived through every month since. I've been there, before, with the yearly cycle, but never anything like what I'm feeling, now. This is incomparable. (As is Caesar, in my heart.) About what you said concerning the guilt, that someone said we take that pain on so they won't have to. That's something for me to think about. If it helps him in any way, I'll willingly bear what I'm feeling... That adorable Moustache-kitty of yours...I always have to smile whenever I see his picture around the site! I bet he brought tons of smiles to anyone who ever met him in real life! What a cutie. Lori, thanks so much for your kind words. Can't tell you how much they meant. And that goes for everyone. I hope I've helped others as you have helped me, but I've been a mess, and I don't know if I've been any help to the others, here. If I haven't, I know Caesar would have.

Alley's Mama, as for what you said about us getting through this together, during this particular time, you bet cha.... We will. I'm right there with you, believe me. Thanks....

Love you all. *tons of hugs to go around to all, including all our beautiful babies*...

Amarna

And now it's Three months. Three months, shy of exactly two hours... Three months since I've seen you and held you. Three months since I've looked into your wise eyes who could see to my soul. And 16 years since I've looked into your puppy eyes, who looked at me with total trust. Caesar, my treasure, how could I ever have been so very lucky. How could I have ever been so happy.

I love you Caesar

Amarna

Once again we share (almost) this sad anniversary. Some days it seems like I'm doing ok, then other day it just hits me so hard.

Thinking of you and your adorable Caesar today.


Paula

Amarna,
I can feel your pain on this sad, sad day. With all my heart I wish there were words to ease you. I would like to share a poem with you I found last night. It helped to soothe me, perhaps it will do the same for you. Your Caesar was a beautiful baby, and I know he is watching over you. I do believe with all my heart that dogs go to heaven. Remember, dog spelled backward is GOD.

Diane














If you ever love an animal,
there are three days in your life you will always remember.
The first is a day, blessed with happiness,
when you bring home your young new friend.
You may have spent weeks deciding on a breed.
You may have asked numerous opinions of many vets,
or done long research in finding a breeder.
Or, perhaps in a fleeting moment,
you may have just chosen that silly looking mutt in a shelter —
simply because something in its eyes reached your heart.
But when you bring that chosen pet home,
and watch it explore, and claim its special place in your hall or front room —
and when you feel it brush against you for the first time —
it instills a feeling of pure love
you will carry with you through the many years to come.

The second day will occur eight or nine or ten years later.
It will be a day like any other.
Routine and unexceptional.
But, for a surprising instant,
you will look at your longtime friend
and see age where you once saw youth.
You will see slow deliberate steps
where you once saw energy.
And you will see sleep where you once saw activity.
So you will begin to adjust your friend's diet —
and you may add a pill or two to her food.
And you may feel a growing fear deep within yourself,
which bodes of a coming emptiness.
And you will feel this uneasy feeling, on and off,
until the third day finally arrives.

And on this day — if your friend and God have not decided for you,
then you will be faced with making a decision of your own —
on behalf of your lifelong friend,
and with the guidance of your own deepest Spirit.
But whichever way your friend eventually leaves you —
you will feel as alone as a single star
in the dark night sky.
If you are wise, you will let the tears flow
as freely and as often as they must.
And if you are typical,
you will find that not many in your circle
of family or human friends
will be able to understand your grief, or comfort you.
But if you are true to the love
of the pet you cherished through the many joy-filled years,
you may find that a soul — a bit smaller in size than your own —
seems to walk with you, at times, during the lonely days to come.
And at moments when you least expect
anything out of the ordinary to happen,
you may feel something brush against your leg — very, very lightly.
And looking down at the place
where your dear, perhaps dearest, friend used to lie —
you will remember those three significant days.
The memory will most likely be painful,
and leave an ache in your heart —
As time passes the ache will come and go
as if it has a life of its own.
You will both reject it and embrace it,
and it may confuse you.
If you reject it, it will depress you.
If you embrace it, it will deepen you.
Either way, it will still be an ache.

But there will be, I assure you, a fourth day when —
along with the memory of your pet —
and piercing through the heaviness in your heart —
there will come a realization that belongs only to you.
It will be as unique and strong
as our relationship with each animal we have loved, and lost.
This realization takes the form of a Living Love —
Like the heavenly scent of a rose
that remains after the petals have wilted,
this Love will remain and grow—
and be there for us to remember.
It is a love we have earned.
It is the legacy our pets leave us when they go —
And it is a gift we may keep with us as long as we live.
It is a Love which is ours alone —
And until we ourselves leave,
perhaps to join our Beloved Pets —
It is a Love that we will always possess.




— © 2000 by Martin Scot Kosins,
in Angel Pawprints:
Reflections on Loving and Losing a Canine Companion,
Reprinted with permission of the author.

Amarna,

I'm so sorry this is another one of those extra-terrible days. I barely remember now how 3 months was for me, as all the anniversaries seem to blend into each other for me now....in a word....HARD. Since I haven't been doing well myself lately, all I can think of to share is what hit home to my HEART today, during my therapy session. I've said this here before, but it seems worth repeating.

NO MATTER WHAT else....the sorrow, the guilt, the what-ifs, the better days, the horrid days.....you don't have to prove to anyone, even yourself, how huge and everlasting your love for Caesar was, and still is. It will ALWAYS be so.....no matter what. So whether you grieve extra-heavily today, or are blessed with a moment of peace or a feeling of real connection with your precious boy.....your love for him will shine on, as will his for you.

Thinking of you today.....

Oh, Amarna, I am so sorry that this is so hard. Thank you for loving your precious Ceasar so well, and giving him such a good life.

I like to think of him with Jake, watching over both of us, following there doggie bliss.

Love,

Dawn

Thank you, Paula. (Alley's Mama) I know we are in this, together. Our sad "anniversaries", forever entwined. One day for me, the next for you. One day of the two bluring into the next, for me, until everything was so final. Your words truely helped me. Thank you for being who you are. On this day, this sad day and time for both of us, know I'm thinking of you and your lovely Alley.

Dear Diane, Danslady ~~

Thank you so much for reminding me of that poem. I have seen it before and always remembered it. In the past exactly 13 weeks since we sent Caesar on his Journey, I think I must have read nearly every pet loss poem I could find on the net. I am so moved that you are comforting me, when this is the most difficult of times for you. You are an amazing person. Please know that I am thinking of you, today. I said a prayer for you and Katie. I am moved. So very moved. Thank you so very much for your kind words to me. You are truely a blessing.

Furkidlets'Mom ~~

Thank you for your thoughts. As for "proving" anything to "anyone, even myself", though, about my love for what I lost, I'm not really sure what to say here about this--I'm experiencing a very new and unique feeling, right now, at this site.

What I'm feeling in my heart today is loss...What I'm feeling now is grief over the death of my Caesar. It seems the tears flow with a life of their own, now. If I've rambled a bit about my feelings on this thread in the past and on this topic, I do apologize. I'm trying to cope with this loss as best as I can.

I'm sorry you have been having a hard time, too. I totally understand. I know you felt great love for your baby. I wish I had the right words to make you feel better. I wish we could just have them forever, in the here and now.

I apologize if I rambled on too much in my grief, here. It was never about any kind of proof.

thank you.

Amarna

Oh honey I'm just so sorry you are so sad. I know how much it hurts.


You don't need to apologize, if not here, where? Ramble on and rage or whatever it is you need to get you feeling better.

Thinking of you

Amarna,

I'm so sorry..just reading makes me miss Caesar, and I didn't even know him! I think all of the photos make him so familiar somehow.. I'm wiping tears from my eyes as I type. I'm so, so sorry and I am keeping you and your beautiful boy in my thoughts...

Sorry, Amarna...I guess I didn't really explain that very well! It's just that I'd been feeling like these feelings associated with loss, and the utter loneliness of it all, were becoming too overpowering...and worse with each passing anniversary. So the point was made to me that no matter HOW I felt, bad or better, the fact of the LOVE that existed will always be so, no matter how hard or easier the coping with the loss was. Maybe I'm just rambling around in my own head too much right now, but it somehow just seemed important to share. (I don't remember now where exactly I'd first talked about this point here.....not in your thread, obviously!) It just became something that somehow seems more concrete to hold onto when feeling so lost and lonely, and THAT'S why I wanted to share it. Gad, I HOPE this makes more sense this time!

But even if not, I'm thinking about you today and can empathize about how empty things feel w/o your beautiful Caesar. I remember when anniversaries were all about happy things.....a lifetime ago, it seems. Someday we'll all feel a bit better, but we'll never forget how hard a road it was to get there. Here's a hug for you today (((( ))))

Dawn, your words about Jakey and Caesar together watching over us has brought me comfort. The idea that their beautiful lives have brought us to meet, and that they are looking over us... What a beautiful thing.

Moose Mom, You always say just the right things to help dry a few tears...how do you do it?? Thanks, dear friend....

Mo&Maisie'sMom, your kind words about my Caesar brought a warmth to my heart. In some strange way, the sweetness in your words made him live again for me in a way that I always cherished when he was walking beside me. He always made strangers smile.

Furkidlets'Mom, ain't it the truth about anniversaries being about *happy* things, in the past. I think I need to stop using the "A" word, in reference to these particular time-points. Thanks so much for the hugs. Meant a lot to me. The way you explained it now, it does indeed make perfect sense. : ) *hugs*