I am new to the forum & don't know if I am using it properly, please bear with me. I have just lost my precious Old English Sheepdog, Shep. He was 14 1/2 years old and I don't think I will ever feel normal again. The vet advised us over a month ago to put him to sleep as old age was wrecking his body. He was having problems walking at times but his spirit was willing - it was just his body that was letting him down. He was clearly suffering froom old age but because we were with him all the time, it seemed very gradual to us and not as bad as the vet made out. We love this boy with every bit of us and now the pain is just too much to bear. He was the most loving, giving creature and now I feel that I have let him down just when he needed us most. We did the inevitable yesterday and I feel like someone has ripped me apart from the inside out. I have cried, screamed and shouted and nothing is making this feeling of overwhelming guilt & sorrow go away. How could I have believed that we were doing this for his good? I held his head in my hands as he slipped away and now his face is haunting my every moment. I knew I would never ever be ready to accept that it was his time but now I feel that he wasn't ready either - the way he looked at me as he slipped away - I will never ever forgive myself. I feel that life has just lost it's sparkle and I will never here or see my precious boy again. Can someone please help me believe that we did the right thing before I lose my mind altogether?

It's the hardest thing we will ever do and it would bother me even more if it wasn't a difficult decision. On some deep level you probably realize that it was best for Shep to say goodbye. Sometimes we want to hold on longer than is humane just out of our own feelings of love and not wanting to let go. These feelings are normal and expected but you still need to step back and try to look objectively at the quality of life Shep had that led to this decision. It is up to us to decide for our beloved furkids when to end the pain. It's all part of the silent pact we made with them when taking them into our homes and loving them. When there is nothing else to do medically to relieve their pain this is our last means to help them avoid needless pain and loss of the quality of life they enjoyed for years.

We are currently battling old age with our bunny Sir Francis. He has a damaged heart valve and enlarged heart. We have done all that is possible for him. He is now on medication to buy him some time and improve his heart functioning. I know there may come a time where we have to make that final decision when all has been done that can be done and his quality of life is no longer enough to balance the problems of old age and time. We will do what we have to do then and say goodbye to our little guy. He deserves no less.

Ken Albin

I am very sorry for your loss. I wish I could say that the pain goes away in time, but it doesn't. It does, however, get less acute.

When our furbabies are terminally ill or at the end of their life and are also in pain, the most loving thing we can do is to help them leave this earth without fear and extra pain.

The time is right, I believe, when you, as a person, would want to die if you were in the same condition as your pet.

Unless an animal is screaming in agony, it is impossible to really believe that we are making the right medical decsion, but if the decision is made with love and without self-interest, I believe that the decision is morally correct.

You were there with Shep during his last moments, ensuring that he left without fear and demonstrating your great love for him. Your grief now is the price we all pay for having enjoyed the wonderous bond we share with our furbabies.

There is no easy way to say good-bye to someone we love so much.


Daisy's Mommy
Grieving since April 1, 2006, after almost 12 years of love and joy.

You did the right thing.
It has been quite some time since my last post here at LS. I have tried my best to 'wean' myself from it, but with the end of yet another year without my baby, I have found myself wandering back from time to time....then I read your post and my heart just broke...I had to reply. It has been 2 1/2 years since I had to make that dreaded decision for my best girl, Sasha...I am still haunted by it to this day and I just can't let go of the guilt. Sasha was 16 years old, and like your Shep, had a failing body. She was crippled with arthritis, which we kept under reasonable control with several meds/supplements, but when the DM hit her (a disease that causes slow paralysis), her mobility became even worse...she could barely walk on her own. I knew that if I didn't make that choice for her she would most certainly suffer complete paralysis and that would be a very traumatic and stressful event for her. Prior to having my daughter, I was a vet tech for many years and I saw so many animals suffer beyond what I considered humane because the owners just couldn't let go....because of that, I always promise her that I would never let her suffer....I had to keep that promise no matter what the cost. I will forever carry all the 'what if's'. What if I would have waited just a little longer...maybe she would have died on her own. What if I would have waited a little longer...that 'new treatment' just might have worked for her. What if she wasn't ready to go yet....does she forgive me and know that I did it because I love her so very much<here come the tears>. I would give anything to have that day back, yet, for her sake, I'm glad I can't. I know that I chose that moment for a reason. Although my memory likes to play tricks on me and have the truth be clouded when I second guess how bad she really was (thank God my husband is here to remind me), I know that I was following my heart and I did what I did for her because I love her so much. I would have NEVER let her go for any other reason than because it was what was best for her....why on earth else would I have done it! I have to trust 'in the moment'. I have to trust that at that moment I knew that she was no longer happy (although I too am haunted by the look in her eye at the time, and even though we had her sedated first, I heard a very faint whine as the fianl injection was given. I have had a really hard time with that because I feel like she was trying her best to say "NO!".... and I can never take it back. My husband tries to comfort me by saying 'even if she wasn't ready (which he thinks is far from the truth and said he thinks she was ready way before then) she is now in a beautiful place that she wouldn't trade for all the world and wouldn't have it any other way'....I certainly hope so). Even after all this time I miss her more than words can say, and I still have cry fests. This is the third Christmas without her and I still couldn't bare to close the decoration box wih her stocking still in it, so I hung it with all the rest....not a word was said...everyone knows how I feel about my best girl. She was my special girl...my canine soulmate...and I'll never know a love like that again. I have other animals, but they aren't my Sasha, so it's not the same. People say it hurts the same either way, but I know myself, and I know that I would have been able to accept her death had she gone naturally. That isn't to say I would miss her any less, I'm just saying that I wouldn't have to wonder whether or not it was her time....I wouldn't feel like I murdered my child....I don't think I will ever forgive myself...I will carry this guilt and pain to my grave...but the funny thing is that even after 2 1/2 years of total hell without her, I would do it all again if given the chance...go figure....


I know its time for me to go,
it's tearing you apart
so,Mommy, let me send these thoughts
directly to your heart.

I followed you for 16 years
with love and loyalty
because I always knew
you'd do the very best for me.

I thank you for the efforts
that you made to ease my pain
but the years have since caught up with me
and now it's all in vain.

So now I look into your eyes,
beyond into your soul
I ask you to make this choice for me
and once more make me whole.

You're giving me a special gift,
please look at it as such
As much as I would like to stay
the pain is just too much.

Please understand just what this gift
you're giving means to me
it gives me back the strength I've lost
and all my dignity.

So cut the ties that hold me here,
I just can't wait to run
for all the suffering to end,
to once again be young.

So one last time I'll lay with you and
through your hands I'll feel
the strength that you have found
within to grant me this appeal.

I'm not afraid so do not weep,
I know what waits for me
a beautful place of cloudless skies and
endless fields of green.

I'll be there watching over you,
your ever faithful friend
and visit in your dreams
at night a young dog once again.

Sasha,
I can never repay
you for all you gave to me.
My life was forever changed having known you,
loved you, lost you.
No other has, or ever will,
hold a candle to you, for you are my canine soulmate.
I'll see you in my dreams, sweet Sasha.

You are painfully missed my most sweet girl....
Love-Mommy

Dear Shep's mom,I am so sorry for your loss.I am so glad you have found this place.It is a wonderful forum and everyone here is going thur the same thing that you are.The feelings you are having right now are totally normal.You did the right thing...I know it's hard to accept that but you did.I know what your going thur because I had to go thur the same thing back in Oct. My kitty Sox had feline diabetes and kidney failure.We had to make the decision to put him to sleep and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.I thought my heart would rip out.....But,sweetie you did what was best for him.He was in pain and was living his life in a failing body that would certainly fail him.You chose to end his pain and he is not mad at you for doing that.....he loved you and he knew that you did what was best for him.I know that's hard to accept but when we take on a pet we take with it the responsibilty to do what's best for them.You had a long life with your boy Shep and the pain you are going thur right now is unbearable.It will get easier to deal with as time goes by and you will be able to look back on his life with smiles instead of tears.It's going to take some time so you need to be gentle with yourself.Please stop feeling guilty that you did something wrong because you didn't.You did what you had to do.Your sweet boy wouldn't want you to feel this way.Can you tell us a little bit about your boy Shep? I would love to see a picture.Feel free to come here as often as you need to.We all understand your pain because we are going thur the same thing.My thoughts and prayers are with you.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

[SIZE=7]
Dear Sheps Mom,
I am so sorry for your loss. The sad truth is that when we are this bonded to a beloved pet the loss is unbearable whatever the cir%%stances.
Sept 2, we lost our magnificent 8 year old lab-cross, Mack, to hemangiosarcoma, a horrible cancer that swept through him like wildfire. I had driven him across Texas to see a specialist only to have her tell me the cancer had spread to his lungs, and the humane thing to do would be to euthanize him.
In despair, I called my family vet who said "get them to transfuse him (hs causes bleeding), and bring him home. We can keep him comfortable, and if we are lucky he may die peacefully at home."
So I took him home to his Dad, I watched him every second for signs that he was in pain, and he rested comfortably at home about a week, then closed his eyes in my arms one night, and was gone. My final prayer for him had been answered, yet we were devastated.
Four months later, I still miss him every hour, I still shed tears every day. I was prepared to euthanize my beautiful Mack to spare him pain. Only the certainty that I did the right thing for him eases mine.
You did the right thing for Shep. That is the covenant we enter into with our pets. Because they can't chose, we must chose for them according to our best judgement, no matter the cost to us, and the rest is in the hands of the creator.
You are in my thoughts and prayers, until you and your sweet dog are reunited, in the sweet hereafter.
Sincerely,
Dayna

To everyone who has replied to my post, I thank you from the bottom of my heart (i'm not sure how to reply individually so this is to all of you). I am in Scotland and it is around 9 a.m at the moment and I have just woken up after a fitful night. The moment I opened my eyes this morning it all came back to me like a kick in the guts - no seconds of merciful memory loss. Then I remembered that I may have some replies and logged on. Your kind words have helped me enormously, I cant tell you how much. It really helps to know that other people completely understand how I am feeling (utterly insane and like I'll never be the same again) and this is a comfort in itself.

I think what's eating me up is the fact that although the vet said to euthanise Shep over a month ago, and my partner has been slowly trying to get me to think about doing it since then (he is as crazy about Shep as me), when the day came (Sat 30th dec) it was me who said "phone the vet." We hadn't really been speaking the day before because he was trying again to get me to agree to call the vet and I had been ignoring him in the vain hope that he would stop. He spent most of the day quietly ignoring me in the house and when I asked him what was wrong he would just say that I wasn't helping by ignoring the issue. My problem was that although Shep had clearly lost his sparkle, it came back now & then and he would bounce about for a little bit. As I have said, it was his body that was letting him down - nothing else. He had osteo-arthritis and had been treated for it for around 5 years. His eyes are an amazing blue colour and on that morning they were just so bright. He was still responding to us, but his back end was wobbly and unstable - he would often trip going down the stairs or just out on his walks. But to me, he was still fine. So in a way I feel that I ended Shep's life too early because my partner and I weren't speaking. I feel that in the end it was me who rushed it along because i called the vet to see if they could come to the house, and it was me who said to go ahead. Shep was lying on his blanket dozing when they arrived and as he was going deaf, didn't notice when they came into the room. The vet seemed to take this as a sign that he was unresponsive but I told her that he was just a bit deaf. He allowed them to shave his paw for the needle and didn't struggle. But I feel that this is because he trusted us and as I was there holding him, he knew I wouldn't allow anything to happen to him....but I did. I'll never forget how he looked at me as it happened, as if to say "how could you? I'm not ready for this , can't you see that I'm okay for a while yet?" This is gnawing away at me constantly and I don't think that anyone can make me feel different about this part.
Now, my partner and I are dealing with his loss differently - he wants to go away somewhere and I don't. I want to be at home where Shep spent practically all of his last year (he used to come everyhere with us all of the time) as he became older and less mobile. This is causing tension as he wants to get out & about but I am in tears every other moment and can't control this. I don't want to be around people when I could "crack up" at any moment.

So Danya, Renee, Kim R, Daisy's Mommy, & Ken Albin - thank you for taking the time to try to help me and thank God I found this site. Your words are some comfort to me whilst my emotions are still so raw. Thank you,
Debbie,
Shep's mama.

Oh Debbie, I know just how you feel. I had my precious Sherman put to sleep on Nov. 10th. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. At first I felt a terrible guilt (that is a part of the grieving process). I now know that I did what was best for him. If we do not do this, we are not prolonging their lives but it is prolonging their deaths and their suffering. Perhaps the look you were given was one of "Thank You" for giving me this last gift of unselfish love.

God Bless you...

Sherman's mom, thank you for your kind thoughts. I just hope it starts to get easier soon. I hope you are on the road to feeling better too.
Thanks,

Debbie
Sheps mama

Shep's mom, so sorry for your loss. It has been almost 6mos since my Bichon Raggs had to be put to sleep. I know how you feel about wondering if you should have waited longer and I still get that feeling off and on. My Raggs was sufferring the ravages of age (almost 16) but I also wonder if I should have just waited and let him die on his own but the worse thing I could not stand was to see him hurting and not being able to do anything about it. I guess we all especially the ones of us that had to chose euthanasia will always feel some guilt like we played God. With my dog Ginger before Raggs she died in my arms of heart failure but if she had not died that night I was going to have her put to sleep that day. Look and listen to kim's words she always makes you feel better and the poem she wrote (wonderful Kim and so glad to see Sasha's picture and hear your words again .)
Shep's mom We never have our furbabies long enough. And when our pets or even our human's die guilt is part of the grieving procees. Continue posting and you will see you are normal. I stay away for awhile or do not post much but it seems to help keep Raggs alive.
Thinking of you and of everyone with your loss.
Joanne(Raggs Mom)

Sheps Mama:

Let me give you an abbreviated version of the nightmare I had with Miss Ellie from not putting her down when I felt is was necessary. I listened to everyone but my dog and she suffered because of it. I should have put her down on Dec. 22 so we both didn't have to go through this:



You see I resolved to put her down after she came back from mouth to mouth because she came back fragmented, unwhole, a paralized mess. How cruel of my family and me to not put her down when her interest in life quit, when she couldn't eat for 2 days and couldn't take her medicine to control her heart. No her dad said we couldn't put her down on Christmas so I listened to what made sense at the time. I didn't want to put her down and what did we do but cause her to suffer in the end. Her poor little face struggling to breathe is one of my last memories of my loving little dog. Know you did what was right your dog didn't suffer one minute. Be thankful you aren't left with memories of causing your best friend to suffer longer than he should have.

The decision is so hard and I fear I waited too long because of the holiday to mercifully end my dogs suffering.

Debbie,
Oh my God...it's as though I wrote these words myself. This is what I keep telling myself about my Sasha. That she would still wag her tail and still have moments where she would squeak her toys. She still ate, drank, went outdoors to do her business. To put this in words it would sound like I 'killed' a perfectly healthy animal that limped every now and then.....I know that is far from the truth and I know it is for Shep ,too. The good moments did exist, but they were far outweighed by the bad...that is when the choice must be made...and by your own admission his sparkle came back 'now & then'....is that the way our babies deserve to carry on after all they gave to us? We like to focus on the 'good moments' that our babies had and fixate all of our guilt on that. You would have never put your baby to sleep just because you and your partner weren't speaking.....that is that evil guilt well at work. It is impossible to humor the idea that anyone who loves Shep as much as you do would ever choose to let him go out of convenience or to 'fix' a rift in your relationship...that is just silly.No, your right, I know first hand that there is nothing that anyone can ever say to make you feel better about this....I still carry that moment with me after all this time...but the truth is that they trust us...whatever that choice is. They know that we would never do anything but the best for them, and they know that if we decide they would be better with God until we can see them again (which is just a heartbeat away for them since there is no time in Heaven...to them it is like we just ran to the store and will be right back ), then they will embrace that decision and wait for us. The only thing you 'let happen to him' is the release of pain and discomfort...even if he did have his good moments now and then, to them that isn't good enough. There are so many different facets to our lives...we have family, work, friends. We have lives full of so many different experiences and daily situations that make our lives so full....but our babies lives consist of only us....we are what makes their lives full. The moments they live for are when we come home from work, when we lie with them on the couch to watch a movie, when we go with them on walks and let them go on 'special trips' with us....it is all about us. When they are robbed of their physical comfort they no longer find the joy they once did in those things....then they are only living for our touch, our voice, our comforting presence that makes them feel better...as beautiful as that is, it is not fair for them. Once their mobility is taken away, although their spirit may remain in tact, it is forever broken....and remember that they don't view death in a sad, negative way like we do...to them it is just a transition, so they don't fear it. They embrace the chance to be 'reborn'....to be young and healthy again. You did the most selfless thing you could have done for Shep. You sacrificed your own heart...you signed up for a lifetime of sadness...to spare your boy another ounce of pain. Even if you feel like he could have 'been okay for a while yet', the worst was yet to come and you spared him of that. My husband asks me 'when would have been the right time? When she was dragging herself around, pooping and peeing all over herself?' The point he is trying to get across to me is that she wasn't going to get better, only worse, and if I did let her go too soon, all I did was spare her from that horrible mental picture, and although I would have given anything to know just how long she had before she got to that point, it was a luxury I didn't have, so I had to do what was best at that time. It is just the same for Shep. When they get up in age like that, there is nothing that can turn back time. When their problems are age related, we can't turn back the clock. All we can do is make it as comfortable as possible for them and then be brave enough to know when enough is enough....and we all know in our own way.
I certainly hope that your journey throught the grief process is much more kind to you than mine has been for me....if I could only absorb my own words.....

It has always amazed me how we exult our pets to levels of human understanding. Nobody truly "knows" a pet like their guardian. Our babies body language, the subtle but oh so different sounds they make......misunderstand and inaudible by all those people we know so well here as the group that "just doesn't get it". You know the type...the type we all detest being around...especially this time of year! But back to "reading our babies".....



I can read my babies like a book....my wife can too. I believe this is one of the abilities we as guardians over the domestic population of furbabies are gifted with in an endeavor to understand them better. This is where we leave the "don't get it bunch" in the dust. This gift to us though, in my humble opinion, comes at an extremely high price. I sense great guilt in your post as have others. You realize by the posts here and from others that guilt is playing a major factor in your intense emotional pain right now. It is if you will, one side of the double edged sword. The abomination, guilt, being a product of the grief cycle...is also a testament I believe TO our babies.....a testament to the deep undying love we shower our babies with. Guilt...is a human emotion. I don't believe the the animal population as a whole has ever felt it. But it is....and YOU ARE a testament to why you have been given the glorious priviledge of being the gaurdian to this grand creature....Shep. Your understanding on a "human emotional level" of Shep IS the other side of that sword. Your perception that you have injured him in trust has led you to believe you have violated him in some way....but you are the one that has taken him by the hand....OK paw....to meet his Creator screaming all the while on the inside because YOU are the also the one that has loved, cared, nurtured, and cried a great bounty of tears over him. Who could contest that! Please don't you see? It's time to lay down that sword. YOU HAVE TRIUMPHED! You have taken one of the Creators great creatures to the completion of its mortal life cycle. Put your guilt aside. Waste no more time on that hideous monster. You know you loved him...so do we know that too.

Take care of yourself, Be kind to yourself
Remember...YOU have been given a gift...you ARE one the Gaurdians

The one thing you need to get past is that you didn't "do anything to Shep". What you did was the last caring thing you could do FOR Shep. Our furkids can't tell us when they are feeling pain and it's a part of nature that they try to hide any weakness and pain from others. In the wild an injured animal is easy prey for others. Though they are our indoor furkids now they still retain that aspect of nature. Given the arthritis Shep had and the extreme difficulty walking, he was probably experiencing a lot more discomfort than he was showing you. Yes, he probably could have existed for another few months or even a year, getting slowly worse until he could only lie there. Knowing when it's time is a judgment that you have to make with the advice of your vet and those close to you. Though not infallible our vets can usually look at the situation more dispassionately than we can and can be a valuable asset when deciding when to say goodbye. From what you said all those around you felt that Shep did not have a good quality of life.

Our furkids live in the present moment. They don't look ahead to see months of failing health and pain. It's our role to do that for them and make the tough decisions on their behalf. When Daddy Cat was diagnosed with multiple tumors and was in pain, the vet basically said that there was nothing she could do for him. Daddy Cat was just happy that we were visiting him at the clinic. He could not see what he would be experiencing over the next few weeks if I had delayed euthanasia. I had to be strong enough to make the decision to help him avoid this future suffering. I did it as you did, with love and knowing that there was nothing medically to help him further. I don't think that either Daddy Cat or Shep would have wanted to live doped up with drugs to dull the pain. That would not be much of a life. I could have probably kept Daddy Cat alive for another month or so. With surgery and chemotherapy I could possibly have kept him alive for another 6 months. It would have been a life filled with increasing pain and suffering. Our guys deserve better than that after all of the years of love they have given us. I would rather take on the pain of making that decision and the doubts and second guessing that I did it at the right time. You just do the best you can in these things with advice from those around you. If it's a decision made out of love and caring for him and the vet concurs, it is the right decision. Beating yourself up emotionally over making the decision will not help anyone. Shep is not feeling pain any more. He is at peace now. Give yourself permission to feel at peace after helping him.

Take care,
Ken Albin

Debbie,

I too, have second-guessed myself and felt so guilty over having my little girl Alley put down on December 9th. The one thing that gets me through it, is to read and re-read (I know I shouldn't) the articles about her disease that mention how painful it would have been for her, had I not made that decision. As much as it hurts to lose her, I couldn't have lived with the fact that she would have suffered had I not done it. For that, she would have blamed me, she wouldn't have understood. I can only hope, that in making the decision I did, to let her go peacefully and pain-free, that she does understand, and forgive me.

You did what was right for Shep and in the end, that is ALL that matters. Does it hurt us? More than anything. I will always have a hole in my life where Alley was, but she is still in my heart, and my suffering is small price to pay, to prevent hers.

Oh Debbie

I'm so sorry you lost your Shep. He sounds wonderful. It's so hard to lose them. I know you are filled with guilt right now, I hope the other posts have helped you, they are very profound. I just have a couple of things I'd like to say.

First know that the first week is the hardest. While it does get some better it is a slow and painful process. When a loved one dies our reality changes. We never "get over it" or 'get back to normal" we just learn to live in the new reality. Without them.

Know you did the best for Shep, that you loved him the best you could. Let the guilt go. Take care of yourself, whatever your partner wants. We lost our Moustache kitty on October 23rd. I couldn't even stand people on tv to be happy for a while. If they were I had to change the channel. Let whatever you are feeling be okay, okay?

Thinking of you and your Shep
Lori

Ken,
I just had to say thank you for your reply. I read and re-read it several times through tearful eyes and I could feel a tremendous weight lifting each time. Something about your words, although not even directed toward me, has reached me in a way no others have. I can't say how I will feel tomorrow, but for now...for the first time ever...I can see what it might feel like to forgive myself....

The thought that helps me the most and I am being repet*itive is that Daisy, like Shep and all of our furbabies, would have lived and died whether I had known her or not. She was on this earth already, with a congenital liver defect and the life expectancy of a dog with such a condition, when I met her. (She actually outlived her life expectancy by many years)

So, if I had never met her, she would still be gone now and I would not be in pain. But, by knowing her:

I was able to give her a wonderful, meaningful life in which she was loved.
She was able to pass away in my arms, hearing how much I loved her.
And, of course, I had the opportunity to love and be loved by such a wonderful, beautiful soul.



Daisy's Mommy

How very true that is! I never really thought about it that way, but when I do, it gives me a great sense of comfort and pride. I was able to give my girl the life that all furbabies deserve, yet, sadly, few receive. There is no telling where she could have ended up (since I found her as a shivering, wet, ball of fur huddled in the corner of a pen at our local animal shelter), and I am eternally grateful that it was with me....thank you for this comforting thought....

I am so thankful and grateful that there are people out there as crazy about their animal family as me. I am deeply, deeply touched by your comforting words and your desire to help me through this hell - it couldn't have come at a better time. Last night was the worst so far. My partner is giving me the silent treatment because he is climbing the walls from hanging around the house with me. He says he wants to be with me through this but I now feel he is punishing me for not being able to react in the way he would like (go away on holiday for a few days!). We had a terrible arguement last night and I went mental , literally. I was screaming like a crazy woman, trying to explain that this was no help to me. I drove off into the night and just cried and cried. I miss my baby so much that there is a hole in my heart and it just seems to be getting bigger.
Then i logged on and read your posts - the sun is slowly getting over that mountain.
[Our furkids can't tell us when they are feeling pain and it's a part of nature that they try to hide any weakness and pain from others. In the wild an injured animal is easy prey for others. Though they are our indoor furkids now they still retain that aspect of nature. Given the arthritis Shep had and the extreme difficulty walking, he was probably experiencing a lot more discomfort than he was showing you.]
Ken, your words struck home to me as a nature lover. They made me realise that he probably was in more pain than he let on. Thank you for making me understand this. John, your way of describing guilt as part of the grieving process is making me understand I have to go through this in order to come out the other side - if only I could remember this after I have logged off!
Kim, I really relate to your story - and your words are more appreciated than you could know. Everyone here has been fantastic - most of my own family are lost for words to comfort me but at least here I know that you all understand exactly what I am experiencing. It's good to know that you have been where I am and are still out there, helping others come to terms with the passing of a beloved animal. Don't you sometimes wish that you weren't so sensitive? That it really didn't upset you this much? Since Shep's passing, I have vowed that i will never have another animal share my life becasue it is just too painful when you need to let them go. But I hope this changes - my life is full of memories of this great creature - in fact, I can't remember not having him. Like the time we went on holiday to the north of Scotland and it was very cold at night. We were in a log cabin and Shep had had a haircut the day before. He crept under the covers with me and lay alongside me the whole night - he was like an electric blanket!! An eight stone, five foot (on his back legs) Old English Sheepdog in a single bed with me and my partner. In the morning he refused to get up. We tucked him in bed and took a picture of him - he looks the the wolf who had just eaten granny (little red riding hood)! These are the things that I will try to hold on to now. Thanks again for all your expressions of love and empathy. I could stay here all day reading your posts as they help me enormously, but as you guys are on the other side of the world, you are probably sleeping now. Until tomorrow, thank you again and again.

Debbie
Sheps mama

Sheps Mama, Debbie

We are not all on the other side of the world and all sleeping at the same time, I'm in North Wales, so will always be online in our time so to speak.

So if you ever need to speak, you don't have to wait till everyone else is up, if that is any help.

This may not be of any help but what I found myself doing is walking (sounds so puny and pathetic doesn't it) but the wilder the weather the better, the more stormy, the wetter, the colder the better, after all when you are devoid of all emotion except sadness, remorse and grief then it doesn't matter what the weather does. I think this helped because the more turbulent the weather the more it matched me inside. I don't know which part of Scotland you live in but may be to go out for an hour will settle your husband a bit too?
It will be hard, the first time I walked our usual walk up the lane past the house, it was awful, why? My Denis is a cat but thought sometimes he was a dog because he always came for a walk with us, no matter how far, he came. If he got tired he would stop at a certain point and wait for us to pick him up on the way back.

Today I felt such an overwhelming sense of oppression in the house that I had to open all the doors and windows to let the cold air in. I don't know why I needed to do this. Just letting the cold air in seem to settle me a bit. I had to take down the decorations, I put them up when I was happy and now I'm not.

You will come through this, it's so painful and takes time to heal, every day it gets a little easier, just a little. You will see that you did the right thing when the guilt moves aside. And remember, do what you want to do, you have a right to grieve in your own way and in your own time. Everyone of us is different, we all handle it differently and all do what we can to get through it, no two people are the same and no two people will react the same. You both need to do your own thing at a time like this.

E.M (Debbie)

Debbie



You know, while it would be eaiser if we didn't feel so much, I wouldn't want to just 'get over it'. Our fur children are so special, they give us so much love and joy, it would feel to me that I was not respecting that. It's part of the love between us that makes it so special while we have them and so hard when they go, but gives us such wonderful memories. Right now you are finding it hard to access the good times, but they will give you so much joy and comfort later. I love that you found a great memory to share already, remember the joy of that time.



For 14 and a bit more years you had great joy from your wonderful Shep. I does hurt so much when you lose them, but remember the joy. If you think about 14 years of love and joy, perhaps you can find a time when you can share your life with another fur kid, I wish and hope this happens for you. When you think of it, you have pain now, and it is almost unbareable. But somehow we do survive it. In the end the sadness is small and the joy is huge.

Don't let what your partner needs distract you from what you need. Grieve in the way and for as long as seems best to you.

Love
Lori

Sheps Mama,
Please know that what you "did" was commit an unselfish act of love. I just put down my beautiful Copper even though he might have had 2 more months to live and I know the pain.

My husband keeps telling me how proud he is of me because the words came out of my mouth while the vet was still explaining options and hadn't gotten that far yet. You see, my husband is a nurse and he's seen plenty of humans who aren't allowed to make their own medical decisions who are forced to live long, drawn out, painful lives because their selfish family members don't want to deal with the grief of letting them go by disconnecting life support.

You and I gave Shep and Copper something better. They didn't deserve to be in pain so that we wouldn't have to feel this grief. I don't know about you, but I feel like I've been hit by a truck. But I can take comfort in my last memories of Copper being during a few moments when he wasn't in pain, wagging his tail, and licking everyone's faces -- not in severe pain.

Copper has very short fur and long haired dogs have always facinated him. I'm sure he's found Shep by now and they're racing around the fields up there -- a couple of high-energy dogs who can run again.

Dear Shep's Mama,
I am so, so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to know when to say goodbye, harder in some cases than others but always hard. That is only to say, in some cases it is more obvious than others that the loved one is suffering. A person who loves their pet is just torn to pieces by the conflicting feelings that they have. I have been through it now six times since I moved here in 1988 and began to keep cats who were my sole responsibility. Christmas morning 2006 I lost the last of my original group, my Larry, who was born in 1990 and given to me as a tiny kitten.

I am in the darkest place, in agonizing pain, even though in Larry's case I had been told a diagnosis of inoperable cancer, and there did not seem to be any other right thing to do but to let him go. He was so special I sometimes cannot find the words, God's own gift to me at the loneliest and scariest part of my whole long life, when I was new on a demanding job almost 2.000 miles from the home I grew up in. Before I received that little kitten I did not know it was possible to love somebody so much.

The words of your posts speak to me, because in the years since '88 I have sometimes not let go of my babies as soon as I perhaps should have. And yet each time I have suffered terrible guilt for thinking I let them go too soon. Most of the cats did not show the kind of pain they were probably going through...they seemed to want to cling to life, to spend just a little more time with me, give it one more try to eat a little dinner, sleep another night snuggled up next to me. I always prayed that when each came into their time, I would have a more definite and well-informed idea of when it was really time. In Larry's case I feel that I had something as close to this as I ever had in any other case. And yet...

My sweet child, he was still snuggling on the sofa with me. He was still eating a little every few hours. Still purring, still hugging my arm with his paws. When I made the terrible decision he looked at each of us, me and my husband both, gazed deep into our eyes. What did this look really mean? I will never know...I just know that although Larry did not seem like someone terminally ill, his whole body was full of cancer and there was nothing in the future except suffering. I knew that, and yet this loving gaze caused me pain of guilt that was beyond enduring. I well know I did the right thing...but did he have more hours, more days, did he want to live? Could something be done? Did this vet really know what she was talking about? It was so terrible for me and I am so sorry that others like yourself have to go through it too.

I can tell you that you did the best and proper thing for Shep, but I can also tell you that I understand how much it hurts. Ironically, it hurts as much as remembering the times when you wonder if you waited too long. I'm so sorry. It is just the hardest thing you will ever have to do. I am only comforted by believing that I am blessed to have had a way to transfer the suffering from my sweet innocent baby onto myself. You did the right thing, but you need some time to accept this. Forgiving yourself is very hard, but I believe that your baby does not need to work on this forgiveness. Shep is a young dog now, no pain, no sorrow, and if you listen very close you might be able to hear him sending you a wonderful thought: Here I am, Mommy! Over here, in this beautiful meadow!

Again I am struck by the empathy you have expressed in trying to help me through this. People like you are few on the ground: I am counting my blessings that I had the sense at this terrible time to log on and search for the help that you all have brought me. Your stories are so touching and similar to mine, it gives me hope that these feelings will soon lose the jagged edges and I may be able to talk about Shep again, and look at pictures of him without the panic-y, sick feeling raising it's ugly head.
It's hard to believe that it's 5 days since the loss of my darling boy. How did I get here?Who knows, but I know this site and all of the kind words I have received here from everyone, have kept me from going under. I read some of your stories and I think, my story is not so bad. Some of the things you guys have gone through are horrendous, and yet here you are, helping another person come to realise that these feelings will eventually reduce in severity until you learn to live with them. There's a reason why the animals you loved came to be with you and they are the lucky ones, just like Shep.

Yesterday was Tuesday and it was my best day so far - I only "lost it" twice and thankfully I was home at both these times.

Hopefully we should be receiving Shep's ashes home soon - I don't know how this will make me feel but it will be good to have him back in the house again.

Once again I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything. I was sceptical at first about using the site but desperation does funny things to you. It is still early days but today is another (stormy) day and I am getting there slowly. Strange, but it now feels like it's time I should be trying to help someone just like me get through this, so I will look at some of the other topics now, to see if I can reassure anyone the way you guys have done for me.
I have attached some pictures of Shep - hopefully I've done this properly, if so there should be 2 pictures.

Thanks again,
Debbie
Sheps mama

Today has been a better day and I have been reading through some of the other postings. Some stories are awful and I can recognise myself in so many of them. I'm just glad the dark skies are slowly starting to clear. I thought I would show you a picture of my boy, the one and only Shep, first thing in the morning with "bed head!"

Now THAT'S a look!

V-Angel

Debbie

Now those are some pictures! He was such a doll! The bed head one was so great.

Be aware that grief is not a line, you don't always get a little better each day. Some days will be good and you think, I'm gonna make it, and then one will hit you so hard. You are not losing it, or going backwards, that is the process. Take care of yourself on the sane days and just let the crazy days happen.

Love
Lori

I just wanted to say what a handsome boy he is! His face is so sweet...so much personality. I know it sounds strange, but I feel a sense of loss as well just looking at his beautiful pictures and I didn't even know him....I know it must be so hard...I'm so sorry for your loss...

Lori - thank you for that, I'm sure that is how it will be for me too. I return to work today (not my choice) and this should keep me busy but I have reminders of him everywhere - screensaver, coaster etc, so he will never be far from my thoughts. Thanks for everything, but I have a feeling that I will be back to the forum for quite a while to come yet!

Kim R - thanks for being so sweet about my boy - he was handsome and knew it too! I'm sure thats how he got away with so much because one look with those baby blues and I was a pushover.
Take care.

Debbie
Sheps mama

Dear Shep's mama ~~ I just found your post on this site, and I had to write to you, as I feel your words about your dear Shep mirror my thoughts and tears, exactly. Four weeks ago, to the day and nearly to the minute, my husband and I chose to say goodbye to our darling keeshond, Caesar. We had our little boy for 16 years, almost to the day, 80% of our married life together. You see, he was a Christmas preasant to me from my husband in 1990, and we said goodbye to him two weeks before Christmas, four weeks ago. The words that you used to describe what you are feeling,... how I cry at the exact same things you are experiencing. Caesar had arthritis in his hips. No cancers, no bleeding, nothing internally wrong with him. He just could no longer get up on his own, he couldn't hold his water, he could no longer stand up to eat or drink and I had to help him, he could only walk a few steps before he fell down, he cried all through the night because he was frustrated because he couldn't get up, but he had all his teeth, all his fur, he could see, he could hear, etc. He still looked beautiful. Finally, I told my husband to "make the call", early that morning before the sun rose, after a particularly rough night. My husband would come home from work, eat a bite of dinner, then go to bed, to rise around 10:00 PM or so, and then I would go to bed, and then get up around 2:00 AM or so, for the next shift. Caesar would barely get a couple of hours of sleep at night, and neither would I. This had been going on for months and I no longer knew what a full night's sleep was, and neither did my husband. But my baby was worth it. Still, I could not ...I didn't know *how* to....even now, I find it hard to even say. What we did to him. He also looked at me with so much trust in his eyes, at the vet. I feel like he felt we betrayed him. I also held his head in my hands, as did my husband and my mother who also loved him. We all held his beautiful head, petted him, told him we loved him, "I love you Caesar, I love you, Caesar..."....over and over, and then the words of the vet telling us he could no longer hear us. It rips me to pieces. Every Friday at 4:45, in about a half hour.... when it's sunny and the sun is setting.... Your letter ripped into my heart.... Every word you said about your own experience.... I'm always at this site, now. I hope to heaven that my little boy, Caesar and your darling Shep are together. I get a bit of peace from that idea, that they may have found each other, since their mommies share so much of the same story. Thank you for telling your story. I needed to hear that I wasn't the only one feeling this way. Thank you...

Proud to be Caesar's mommy, Forever

Dear Shep's Mom,

I'm late replying so I hope you are feeling better. I had to put my "heartdog" to sleep a little over 3 years ago. I too felt the overwhelming sense of guilt that you are feeling. The guilt is normal and will lesson over time. What you did for Shep is the most loving thing any of us can do for these souls that we allow to creep into our lives and hearts. You took all of Shep's pain away and brought it onto yourself instead. There is no single act that is more selfless than that ... Shep left this world being cradled by the person who loved him ... he left feeling that love and I firmly believe he will be waiting for you when the time comes.

It is true that pain never really goes away but it does lesson and sometime in the future you will be able to think of Shep again without those last images crowding out the good memories. You are in my thoughts ...

Hugs,
Beth

Having a hard time today. Just need to share a picture of my Caesar-pup. (Hope I did it right through clouded tears. I'm new here.) Hope he makes someone smile, today. I miss you so much, my Caesar. I love you.

What a handsome dog, so steadfast a gaze, confident and masculine (antlers notwithstanding).
I know what you are going through with your partner. No one loved Mack more than Charles ( my husband). Mack was devoted to, and protective of me, but he was a guys dog and hanging out with his dad, doing " guy stuff", was what really made Mackie-bear happy. But, as most men do, Charles has the ability to "box-up" his grief,and anger and disbelief (Charles was in denial about how sick our boy was until he drew his last breath),and set it apart from his daily life. And since he sees it as his job to make me happy, dry my tears, and keep me from all harm, Charles takes my inability to stop crying, or raging, or just shutting down at times, as a personal criticism. I seem to be unable to help him with that.
It has often struck me how many times when I was in the most need of support, I ended up propping the people I expected to be there for me. This I believe is the true meaning of mercy. I have had to show it to a number of my nearest and dearest who just didn't know how to deal with my raw grief. How could they, they didn't go to sleep at night with his velvet muzzle pressed against their ear, or wake up to the joyful thunderous drumming of his mighty tail.
I have at last reached the place where I don't relive Macks illness and death every minute. But I prefer to live my sorrow rather that shut it out, even if I could chose to. I never would have shut Mack out in life, I won't shut out his death.
You continue in my thoughts and prayers.

Dayna

Dayna,

That was so eloquently said, I'm going to write it down and quote you, if I may, if or when the need arises. I feel exactly the same way about my sorrow.

Dear Sheps and Ceasar's Mom's...you both have just beautiful dogs, thanks for sharing the pictures. Your feelings and situations both mirror our own with my boy Hrudey. He was in alot of pain in fact I worry that I didn't realize it soon enough and continued to justify his slowing down and the few glimmers of his old self...etc...but again the look of distress and trying to breathe, his heart racing was too much to bear... it does help realize that the decision had to be made..

It is just over a week now since I held him for the last time. Its so strange, I don't think I completely get it yet...so horrible, I am still looking for him everywhere, we still have his bed down, his bowls in the kitchen, and pictures everywhere...I can't bear to change anything....my seven year old daughter is talking about a new puppy today, if you can imagine that conversation, I have to be understanding of her feelings she is so young....but inside I am screaming, no way!! how can you even think that? of course we can brush her off, and then my husband has laid off last October and a new job is possible out of state, an actual dream to move closer to family, but to move without my boy...I can't imagine it...although I am sure he is with us...just thinking about all these changes is too much right now. Anyway, thanks for sharing, I am sorry for both your losses...and you are in my prayers as well. Take Care!! Tory, Hrudey's momma

Dear My Buddy ~~

I just had to thank you for the kind words you said about my Caesar. Hrudey is also a lovely dog! And isn't Shep adorable? I'm hoping that when Shep reads his mommy's words here, he sees my Caesar-pup's picture and recognizes him by the Bridge. All our pets are beautiful.... The glow they share must come from our love bouncing off of them. I love you Caesar.... come visit Mommy in dreamland, soon!

Amarna, Proud to be Caesar's Mommy forever

When I told Shep's story (edited version!!) I didn't think it would help anyone because the anger, pain, guilt and sorrow I was feeling was overwhelming me. I was pretty selfish because I just wanted someone to say the words that have now been said here, and help relieve some of my suffering. So, now that I have had a few good days, I can see how his story may have helped others here as your stories have helped me, and I am so glad of that and I bet Shep is too.

Amarna, Caesar is a babe and yes, our stories are like duplicates. For the last 8 or 10 months, Shep had been moaning through the night and my partner would get up and placate him. He always mollycoddled him and I was left to do all of the "bad cop" stuff. As much as he was my boy, I still felt the need to show Shep that just because he liked the sound of his own voice at times, it didn't mean he deserved a treat. My partner used to give him treats believing that it would quieten him, which of course it never did! But in the end, I now think Shep was uncomfortable at night and now I am racked with guilt about this.

Shep still had a great appet*ite, still enjoyed walks (although no longer the 2 or 3 hour treks he used to love), still showed his love for life (now & again) and still looked exactly like the boy he was when he first came into our lives. And now, the gaping wound he has left feels like it will never be filled again.

Like you, this site has helped me enormously and I feel that in some way, it is keeping him alive for me, just by talking to other like-minded people. I'm sure Caesar, Shep, Mack, Hrudey & "Heartdog" are having a whale of a time together, wherever they may be.

I will keep coming back here as it does my heart good to hear your stories and talk about Shep too. Take care & speak to you soon.

Debbie
Sheps mama

Furkidlets Mom,
I'd be honored to have you quote me.

Sheps Mom,
I'm sure you are right the kids are having a great romp together. In addition to other dogs,(especially his sisters Birga, the mastiff, and Sadie, the sheltie,), Mack was a great lover of cats. He was very gentle and diffident, almost reverent with them. So I'm sure he is relishing the company of Alley, Moose, Sabin, Ryan, and all the wonderful kitties, as well.
Hope you're having a good day today,
Dayna

Debbie, Sheps Mommy!, ~~

Your words were like a ray of sunshine in my world, today. This site, and you, have been that bright ray. Thanks for taking a new soul like me in this room and bandaging my wounds a bit tighter.... Shep was every bit as amazing as his mommy. Again, thanks to you and all the others. Like grief, I guess there aren't ever the right words to express thanks.



thanks


Amarna

Sheps mama

Debbie,

Just checking to see how you are as you haven't posted for a few days, and on your last post you were having such a crap time.

Are you ok?

Let us know and keep in touch, or are you ready to 'graduate' from this site?

E.M

Debbie, Shep's Momma, I too have been thinking about you, wondering how you are doing... Your story really touched me, and I'm sure so many of us here feel the same way. Please take care, and know that Shep loves you, no matter what. Our babies love us.
Blessings to you and your dear Shep.

*I love you, Caesar! Time to come in, now baby... it's finally getting cold out.*

If only we could physically reach the places our thoughts and hearts travel to, so many times, even if only for a moment, and stroke their precious fur just once more, to smooth a ruffle here and there...

Dear Armana, Your Ceasar is a real beauty, your words struck home to me tonight, if only....just one more time.....you could scratch that chin, give a big kiss, get a big kiss, a big hug...there's no better, just to really know if they are okay...where are you? how are you? if only.....I'm having one of those nights....glad to know you're feeling the same...take care, Tory, Hrudey's momma

I can only hope that when Iam too old and unable to run or walk or even feed myself, that someone who loved me could do the same for me:-) It is the ultimate gift of love.. When you put your own feelings aside and do what is best for your friend.. Iam so sorry for your friends passing. Peace be with you:

Dear Tory, Hurdry's momma,

I sure am having one of "those nights", here, too, so you are definitely not alone. The tears just keep coming, and it's been five weeks today since we buried him. You know what me and my husband did? We put one of those lighted deer out where we laid Caesar to rest. It moves his head back and forth. It's a little fawn. I can see it from the kitchen window through the night. His little head moves to look at me in the window. It reminds me so much of my Caesar-pup. Just a bit of movement out there... Thanks for your kind words and thoughts.

Amarna *hugs*

E.M. and Amarna - sorry for not posting sooner. I have been at work and don't always get a chance to go on the site. Also, when I am back at home, I mostly go on to the site at night time and I have found that this is keeping me awake through the night. I seem to lie there thinking about Shep and everyone else going through the same things as me, and it is troubling me to the point where I am getting upset again and can't sleep. The truth is I am missing the site but when I log on to it at work in the morning, I am again overwhelmed by my sense of loss and get upset at work - so I have been avoiding it until I feel better again.

We received Shep's ashes back yesterday. It seems to have calmed me a little but unsettled my partner. I'm just happy to have him home agin, although I'm not ready to scatter them as yet.

I know I said I'd never have another animal again but I now find I am craving the company of animal (crazy I know!). I miss their unconditional love and the comfort they give to you. My house is very empty now and I don't think I'll ever get used to going to bed without a last walk in the rain at night.

Because Shep's markings were white at the head and blue on the body, I keep waking up at night and thinking I can see him lying at the side of the bed - (normally I would only see the white part of him in the moonlight) and then I remember. However, I am definitely getting better - the complete and utter agony and insanity I felt before has lifted and I am left with pain that is getting easier to bear (and now feel guilty about this ....go figure!).

I hope you both are feeling better and coping with these horrible feelings. I sometimes wish we could all meet up and have a proper chat - it would be great - all of us sitting there with mascara running etc!! I really appreciated both of you asking after me - the people around me just now aren't part of our club - they are of the "it's just an animal" gang and it makes me feel like I shouldn't be feeling as crap as I am over my boy Shep.

Amarna, I completely understand what you did with the deer - just a little movement is enough to help sometimes - I guess you don't have any other animals like me? Hopefully though, by the end of the year we will have another dog. I can't wait - it's very strange not having to trudge about through the wind and rain at all hours of the day & night!!

Take care & write soon.

Debbie
Sheps mama
***

Debbie,

I really glad you have posted, I've been thinking about you every day wondering how you were and hoped you would come back and let us know.

I totally understand you not coming here if you are not up to it, or if it is upsetting you and I totally understand the thoughts about 'getting better', I didn't like the idea that once the grief is gone then what do you have left? It is not a bad thing though, I've been crying less, I even went 4 days without crying and then felt bad about it. It's the quite times when it hits you the most, like you say when you go to bed, and then I just think 'well thats another day without Denis, what is so bloody good about that!'

I'm glad you are thinking about another dog though at some point, I think they can be great healers at a time like this. I am now a proud owner of a black cat which I call Denis the 2nd, but the good thing about this one is that I don't have to feed it, I don't have to take it to the vets, it is never going to get sick, but best of all it is not going to die on me because it is a very realistic curled up toy cat!! I hope that made you smile.

You have another traumatic issue ahead of you to deal with, the scattering, so try to be strong, I'm sure your boy will be looking down on you.

I quite agree, it would be good to all sit around with tear streaked mascara running down our faces! The 'outside world' just doesn't seem to get it, do they?

Anyway, take care and write when you can.

Debbie (E.M)

Hey Debbie,

I was thinking about you too! It's ok to back away a little if you need to. I've decided to try mornings instead of nights to see how that works for me.

When I recieved Patton's ashes back, I couldn't bring myself to scattering those either. What finally ended up happening was I put them in the ground, then put in some mulch, and then planted a rose bush. For me, this was the better alternative. I had been holding his ashes since November and it wasn't until May that I was able to let go.

Thinking about getting another dog is a great step. I'm proud of you. I do already have another because my crazy girl Penny can't handle being an only child so I did it for her welfare. He is very different from Copper except he hits you with his paw really hard when he wants attention just like Copper did. It's not exactly the same, but going back to being a two dog house has helped with the loneliness. And it helps knowing Copper would approve of me giving a homeless dog from the animal shelter a home. You'll know when you're ready to actually take the plunge.

Love,
V

Debbie,

It is good to here from you. It is short days for you yet and I know you still hurting so much.
Its a curious thing about the " its just an animal" crowd. Some of them are callus , soulless, insensitive boors, and some of them are just ignoramuses who are in their clumsy way trying to make you feel better. Anyway, there are far too many of both kinds.
I scattered some of Macks ashes in various of his favorite parks, out on the ranch, and in the park where Birga pulled him out of the cold, swollen,creek. Some of the ashes I keep, on the hearth, in the velvet bag I recieved them in. And I bought a tiny little key fob, in the same color as my truck that I keep on my truck key: and my faithful trucking companion goes wherever the truck and I go. The strange thing about Mackies ashes is that they are still warm. he died Sept 2, and we got the ashes back one week later, his ashes are still warm.I'm trying not to reach for a magical explanation for that, but I find the warmth of his ashes dangling against my knee from my key chain to be a source of courage, and comfort and inspiration.
I struggled with that tricky "once the grief is gone, what do you have left", business. I think the answer is, and I'm not entirely there yet, a healthy, joyous rememberance, unblemished by tears.
For now I wish you a whole day unblemished by tears.

Dayna

Dear Debbie and my fellow animal lovers,
I am also glad to hear from you and was wondering how you were doing, I feel the same way about the posting, because it keeps me up at night and if I do it (like right now) at work, then I can't focus well here either, you do what you need to for yourself.

I am glad you and others brought up the ashes issue...I am still awaiting Hrudey's...we are a strange family, I have a serious dread at ever "opening" them, we still have our Frank's ashes in the mailing box...its on our shelf in our living room but in the mailer box...we did agree my husband and I that its time for a nice something (hate the urn word) now that we are going to have two. See we want to be scattered with our pets when we die, so my poor daughter will have to do the duty, or at least be scattered in the same place... but its a real issue for me, my heart is hurting right now thinking about it...but I like the key fob idea, or necklace, Is that morbid? but something to always be with you, I have his fur with me, and his collar, but..anyway, its something to think about, I also love the garden idea.. planting under a rose bush too, or maybe a tree, and that can be his tree....good ideas everyone....

I know I wish we could all hang out, it would be funny and great.. well I'd better get back to work, All the best to you all, Much Love, Tory Hrudey's Momma