Hello,

My name is Stephanie, and I am here because last Saturday, my dear, sweet border collie died. She was nine years old, and I had her since she was 7 weeks old.

The death was sudden and unexpected. She had slowed down a bit lately, but there were no real "danger signs". That is until last Thursday. She was unable to get up. I took her to the vet's and they ran all kinds of tests. Her kidneys were failing, so was her liver. But the defining blow was what ended up killing her: congestive heart failure.

They tried treating her with medication, and Saturday morning she was starting to improve slightly. Then at 1pm I received the dreaded call. She had just curled up and died.

Since then I've been unable to function. I can't sleep without sleeping pills, my appetite is shot. I am unable to concentrate, and have not gone to work. I think that I may be going mad.

How can I get myself back into "functioning" mode?

Hi Stephanie:

I am very, very sorry to hear of the death of your very beloved furbaby friend. I guess I could say, "your little girl", because you had her in your life since she was 7 weeks old......

Everything seemed to have gone so quickly...... It sounds like from what you said, that she was pretty much, OK, until last Thursday.....
Then she passed away on Saturday..

I am sorry that you had to find Lightning Strikes Stephanie, but, if you had to go to any of the Pet Grief sites, I am very, very happy that you have found your way here.
This place has seen me through a very difficult, horrible time; without the people on this site, I'm not sure really, where I would be right now.

Please let me tell you that what you are feeling/experiencing now, is very normal - given that you had your sweet girl in your life for a very long time - (though, no amount of time, is EVER long enough!!!!)

Your body has just been through a horrible shock, and of course it is very hard to function...

After our Ernestine was put to sleep on 2/7/2004, I couldn't sleep -- I didn't want to eat.... I couldn't stop crying...
My heart definitely felt like it was "actually tearing apart".... The pain was intense...
My head felt like it was going to blow off, I remember having such an awful, awful migraine!!!!!

Ernie had 2 very special toys (that are still, to this date, put away), and, it was her Beanie Baby Lemur, that I held onto...
I wanted to hold that Lemur in my hand, and caress it.... It was like having a part of my girl with me.

Right now, your little girl is at Rainbow's Bridge, where she is free --- in no pain, running around the green, lush meadows, with beautiful flowers... She is just how you remember her, when she was younger, and feeling well.

And, she is with all of our furbabies who have gone on before us...... Everyone on this site....
Your little girl is with all of our furkids.

I found this site early in the morning, like 2am on 2/8/2004.......
The wonderful people here advised me to eat something...... That would help me a bit.

But, I stayed on this site for hours, everyday..... until a time came, that I didn't have to stay on here, for several hours a day!

I read the posts of everyone on here. Reading how other people "got through one day"...............I needed to know how to get through this awful pain...

I suggest that perhaps you start doing that..... Just keep reading the posts of different people... Pick a name, and look at all the posts that that person has written..

I'll tell you ----- Honestly, it helps soooooo much!!!!!!

YOU WILL GET BACK INTO A FUNCTIONING MODE..... YOU WILL BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE AGAIN! You'll make it to work again, you will be able to sleep without the aid of sleeping pills.

YOUR BODY, YOUR HEART, YOUR SOUL, YOUR MIND..... ALL OF YOU..... Right now you feel very sad, and it's normal, with what you have just gone through - to feel this way.

YOU HAVE SUFFERED A TERRIBLE LOSS, AND RIGHT NOW, IT'S IMPORTANT THAT YOU "FEEL YOUR FEELINGS".

I just kept staying on this site, Stephanie, and I kept posting myself......... Most of the time, I kept rambling on & on....

The wonderful people here just told me to keep writing, even if I thought I wasn't making sense... they told me to just "get everything off my chest".... Everything that I was thinking, I just kept typing away...

For me, It has been four months without my girl. And, given "time", It really did help Ben & I to feel better. (and, I never ever thought I would say that)....

You will be in my thoughts and my prayers.....

And please, keep coming here to LS. Everyone here understands how you are feeling.. And, we all care!

Love, Denise

Hi Steph,

I am SO SORRY to read about the sudden loss of your beautiful companion!
Reading your post just makes my heart break for you, it sounds like you were really close to your sweet collie.

You are not going mad--you are very very very upset, no doubt your upsetedness has been ratcheted up but the abruptness of your loss.

I can only share my experience thus far. I lost my wonderful cat (who was a guy cat with a girl name) on May 23 (an accident, he was also mid-aged, like your collie, just 8 or 9).

You have asked for some specifics. Here are some of the things that I have done that have helped me so far:

I came HERE and wrote out a tribute to Ginger
I bought a suncatcher and hung it in our tree near where Ginger hung out (the design has significance to me in "describing" our friendship)
I created an indoor "shrine" where I write letters to Ginger every night
(I "tucked him in" everynight, so this is in the same tradition, I light a candle and I write just one page ----very therapeutic) I have written every night since May 23rd.
I bought a locket online (it hasn't arrived yet). I plan on putting a tuft of Ginger's fur in it.
I bought a beautiful container for Ginger's ashes and I often go to my studio and "visit" with him..
I cry whenever I want (they are "healing tears"!)
I post here whenever anything occurs to me and I take comfort in all the replies that I get!
I have an email friendship with a poster here and we are also exchanging ideas about facing life without our best friends!
One thing I am going to add to this list is join a gym!! I am going to make an effort to get out and MOVE MOVE MOVE--because sitting around is too depressing! How are you in the MOVE department? Moving will be key to feeling better!

Steph, I sure know what you are talking about--"feeling you are going mad"--!! I doubt quite seriously that I would tell anyone in my daily life HALF the things I have written about here. But honestly, it has helped enormously to be in the company of other broken hearts (many of which have healed).

I am operating under the assumption that the "rainbow bridge" is legit. You loved your sweet collie girl and she loved you. That she is no longer near physically can not and will not change the love that still exists.

Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
whatever we were to each other
that we still are
call me by my old familiar name
speak to me in the easy way
which you always used
put no difference in your tone
wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together
pray smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
without the trace of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
it is the same as it ever was
there is unbroken continuity
why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you
somewhere very near
just around the corner
All is well
Henry Scott Holland
(1847-1918) Canon of St Paul's Cathedral

Your collie girl is still with you in your heart and mind. Take comfort in knowing WE all KNOW how you feel!! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{STEPH}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Love,
Patti

Thank you so much for your wonderful and kind responses.

Muffins, will most certainly be reading a lot of the posts here. No doubt I'll be here for hours too.

Gingerspal, that is a beautiful poem that brought healing tears to my eyes.

Right now I'm just utterly drained. I can't sleep without sleeping pills because every time I lie down and try to relax I relive the last 48 hours of Luba's life. It's dreadful.

I have an elderly golden retriever, who has chronic health problems. I am now completely paranoid that he is going to drop dead at any moment just like Luba. The vet said if we are lucky he'll have another year or two of life. God, what if he goes too now???

Dear Stephanie,

I too am so sorry to hear that you lost your little girl. You have found a wonderful place to say whatever you feel, to express all the pain and anguish and loss you feel. We have all been there and some of us still are, to some extent. It is true, your feelings are totally normal. I know I felt as if I were going crazy too, very confused, so lonely and I just wished the vet who put my little Hannah to sleep could have given me a shot too and just let me go with her. I wasn't planning on hurting myself or anything like that, but I was really (and still am at least half the time), pretty depressed. I just kept thinking I just couldn't, didn't want to live in this world without Hannah.

Our worlds are turned upside down, inside out, yet life goes on, the sun keeps rising, etc., but our precious most loved babies are gone. It IS maddening! It IS unbelievable. I couldn't eat either. I just felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't sleep. I still have trouble sleeping, even though I remain so tired. It took me a couple of days to really cry though. It took a while for it to really sink in that she was gone. Mostly, I just wanted her back!

Now, that being said, just be sure that you do make every effort to take care of yourself. I made myself eat by knowing what Hannah would say -- She would say, "you eat, Mommy. You eat, Mommy. I ate for you, but sometimes I didn't feel like eating, but I ate for you, Mommy. Please Mommy. Take care of yourself." -- So, I ate. I still have to take something to help me sleep, but I feel safe and okay with that.

Again as GingersPal and Muffins said, all of the things you are feelings are to be expected and you need to try to go ahead and FEEL those feelings even though it's scary and it hurts so. It is all part of the grieving process, which one day will lead to healing. Also, as they both said, just keep reading our posts here and you will see that you are not alone. I don't know what I would have done without my friends on this site. I had a few really, really, really bad days, and I went on here and posted thoughts and feelings I really had no one else to share with, certainly no one who could really understand. So, just keep talking here. You are safe with us. There are some good books, some good internet sites with poems, articles, and other things that might help you too. I will send you addresses of some specific ones that helped me if you would want me to. You can also post a tribute and a picture of your baby here on this site.

I also put Hannah's picture and a little tribute to her on a couple of sites, as have some of the others here. I'll be glad to give you those internet addresses too. One of them is a candle light ceremony that is performed ALL OVER THE WORLD on Monday nights. It's incredible to see how many furbabies are honored and missed so very much.

I know this is a terrible shock to you. It happened so quickly. It's tough sometimes to even feel those feelings. I think sometimes I still stop myself short because it hurts so very much. There's that terrible feeling that if you really "let go" with your feelings, you will just fall apart and never be able to stop crying. But you will survive. Do try to take comfort in the fact that she's not suffering anymore and that she is at Rainbow Bridge. I believe also we will see our babies again one day in Heaven. Just know that she knows you loved her very much and she loved you very much too. Remember that.

If you don't have to go to work, then maybe you should just take a few more days off. Sometimes though having to get out and go to work helps. It's so difficult to do the things we don't absolutely have to do, but if there's something you have to do, such as returning to work, you'll be able to do it. I think that's another reason our babies were so very special. We might not get up and out of bed some days had it not been for them, but for them we would do anything! I know I really don't know if I would have made it for the past 16 years of my life if it hadn't been for Hannah.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. You have found new friends here who care and who understand. Bless you, and please do take care of yourself and please keep coming back here. We do care very much, and we want to help. I promise.
Marcia
I was writing this response, and when I posted it,noticed your last post, so I justed edited this and re-posted. I will pray for your Golden Retriever too. Just keep sharing your love with her and your grief too. I know that's another terrible thing to have to worry about. I don't know what to say, except just try to use what you have already learned and do keep going for the baby you still have. Just love, love, love her as long as you have her, and let her help you through this too.

I'm so terrified of going back to work because Luba came with me most days. She used to curl up under the computer. I don't think I can take it.

BTW - my golden retriever's name is Falkor, and he is REALLY missing Luba. He can't come to work with me because I walk to work and it's too long of a trek for him to get there.

Luba was in such good shape (or so I thought). It never occured to me that she would be gone first.

Stephanie, I know how you feel---so surprised to have lost your younger one and now scared to death a similar fate will befall your older one ("Falkor"---both your dogs have awesome names!)

I too have ONE pet left, a senior citizen named Ruggles. I thought I would have Ginger a good ten more years. Ruggles is probably in the 17-18 year area --I got him at the shelter 7 years ago and they said then he was 10 plus. So I know what you are going through--it feels like doomsday!!

But--! as my Grandmother used to say--there is no need to "borrow trouble"--your Falkor and my Ruggles are with us! (Hopefully as long a time as possible!)

What takes some major getting used to is trying to fathom that we get our pets for as long a time as is "deemed" to us!-- What a chance we take when we take on a pet!!! --if we had any concept we probably wouldn't do it!! I mean really--if I could have had a crystal ball and seen that I was going to fall hook line and sinker in love with a CAT (I am a previous "dog person") only to have him ripped away so cruelly and so early---would I have signed up for it --???? NO!!!!!

However! ....philosophically speaking, would I ever want to trade having known Ginger for not knowing him?? I could have avoided the sadness by not "signing up"--but I never would have known all the other stuff either. I guess we have to accept the down side with the up side--what else can we possibly do?? I am just now today starting to really realize that the up side is so worth the down side. Even though the down side is so crushing. I wouldn't have not wanted to never have had Ginger...just to avoid the pain--because the Joy of having him outweighs the pain.

I have a similar problem as you--about wanting to avoid sad places! Ginger and I spent alot of time in my painting studio. I have a couple of commissions and I am avoiding going in there--Here is what I am thinking --I need to change it physically.

Our lives have been changed forever--maybe we should help ourselves assimilate the change by providing more change! Can you change how your desk is?? Can you physically move things all around? Can you walk a different way to work? For myself I am going to drag my easel to an altogether different location and I am going to change the furniture completely.

I am starting to think about this time in my life as a "new chapter". A new chapter calls for new scenery. --What do you think of this approach? Do you think that it has value? It has just been a couple of days for you so maybe it is too soon to think about rearranging your surroundings--but just let the idea roll around a little. You're going to feel sad however your desk is--but the "new chapter" notion does call for bold changes if you can muster them. Ideally, we would all go for a retreat to the Greek Isles for therapy--but because we can't do that--do anything that you can to give yourself a change of scenery

BUT . . . as the poem of The Little Orange Boy says, we "chose tears." We did know that they would not live as long as we. And as you said, even though the pain is the worst, so is the joy and love the very best, and you would have traded that for anything in the world

Just as an example of how we each have our own ways of coping and getting through this -- I don't want to move anything around. I want to keep Hannah's little food and water place open right where it is. Although I took her bowls up a few days after, there are days even now that I think about putting them back down. I still leave my pillow and a piece of my clothes down on the floor when I leave. Maybe this is pitiful, but I can't help it. I so want her little spirit to come visit me, and maybe I feel like this will encourage her. I've read about so many people who frequently TOTALLY feel that their little ones come to visit and watch over them. I feel she is here somehow, but I want to REALLY feel her presence again, if only in a dream.

I had a whole collage of her pictures over my desk, but I've had to move them to another room. I have an 8x10 of her on another desk in my bedroom. I put it on my night stand when I go to bed, but in the morning, seeing her there so close and real, like I could touch her makes me start the day really sadly. So, I think I can't keep it on my night table anymore, at least for now. I just have to choose a particular time to look at her pictures, not all the time, because it tears me up everytime I see them.

I know one day, I even want to move out of this apartment, but I can't bear the thought of changing things around or leaving here yet.