How can I cope without her this year?
My heart is breaking, writing the Xmas cards & telling people she has died destroyed me. It's 5 months, but every day is a torment. I can't get over losing her & spend hours every day thinking of her & wishing she was still here. My husband doesn't want to hear it anymore & has no response to my grief.
If she had died at an old age I think I would have been devastated still, but able to cope, but 12 was so young, & she struggled so to carry on living. I know people will say to think of all the happy times we had together, BUT I CAN'T. All I can think of is how she should be here still. I love my Furry more than anyone or anything else in my whole life.
Judith
Full Version: I Don't Think I Can Survive Xmas
Judith,
My boy Homer was also young (only 11) when he crossed over. This forum has helped me so much since I joined, as like your husband, my boyfriend is done with hearing my grief. I come here and see that people are just like me in my grief, and I'm not weird at all for still crying 1 year later. So don't ever feel alone, I'm sure we all will be here for support this holiday season.
Leigh-ann
My boy Homer was also young (only 11) when he crossed over. This forum has helped me so much since I joined, as like your husband, my boyfriend is done with hearing my grief. I come here and see that people are just like me in my grief, and I'm not weird at all for still crying 1 year later. So don't ever feel alone, I'm sure we all will be here for support this holiday season.
Leigh-ann
There really is renewed grief in writing the Christmas cards and telling people your pet died this year. I can't believe that after Dec 31st, I will be saying that my dog died LAST year.
Oh, Judith....you sound just like me! It will be 4 months for me since Nissa left, on the day before Christmas Eve, and my stomach and heart have been in total knots with the dread of these special days...ever since November! Each day is even harder, not easier, because it's just one more day that I've had to endure w/o my girl here...even though I remind myself that it's ALSO one LESS day that I'll have to live w/o her. This is why I chose not to 'do' Christmas this year, except for tiny things around the house, but all in honour of my girl. And even then, I've not gotten all of them completed because I'm avoiding them like the plague...as if finishing them will make this all somehow more real than it is! (that's the irrationality of grief talking) If I ever sound stronger, it's only a very temporary thing. Most of the time I'm only walking around feeling that burning ache and wondering how in the world I'll survive yet another day w/o her. But this is more HER Christmas than any other one has ever been. That's the way I planned it, and that's the way it's gonna be!
When I tell anyone that Nissa is no longer here, I feel like I'm in a play, and those words simply can't be coming from MY lips...and this is even though she DID live to be quite a senior. In MY eyes, she never even started to look old until her last few months and when people used to ask about her back then, they were always amazed that she was still with us. So now....now it still doesn't seem real, that she's actually gone!
I think we imagine all sorts of ways we might feel somehow 'better' if this or if that were different, and in some cases it can be true. But I lost Sabin, her brother, at age 13, and much more suddenly, so now I can actually compare. And I've discovered it IS like what 'they' say....if we think they were too young, we're devastated that they didn't get to live out what should have been a longer life. And if they're old, we're still devastated because we've spent that much more time being with them everyday, and it also seemed as if they truly could go on forever. (this thinking is exactly the same with humans we lose) There's just NO winning when it comes to these partings. While one pain might be worse for one loss, another pain is just as strong with another loss....we can suffer just as badly, no matter what.
You'll never hear me telling you ought to think of all those happier times. I've learned that this is normally just not possible in early grief (where, technically, you still are, btw... the whole first year is considered 'early') and it's very normal to find this impossible or virtually so. Besides, even if you can and do remember?....those memories can cause you as much pain as the bad ones! And we're trying to AVOID causing ourselves even more grief than we've already got! So I believe you completely when you say you "CAN'T". And it's OKAY not to...really. I also love both Nissa and Sabin more than I've ever loved anyone else, animal or human and nothing that I know of is ever going to change that. When a mother loves her children more than anyone else, including her own husband, does anyone question that? No. But it sure makes the sorrow worse, and we just have to live with the grief consequences of feeling that way. There's nothing wrong with it, though. There's no rulebook that says the biggest love you ever feel, the best relationship you ever have, HAS to be with a human. And so it is with some of us.
How to cope w/o her? Think of yourself FIRST if having to decide between what to do and not do. Think of what YOU'D prefer. Then, just try as best you can, even if failing miserably at times, to just give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel, from one moment to the next. Let the feelings, horrible as they are, just flow. And try your best not to judge yourself for having them. They are what they are, and they'll do what they want, come when they want and all you have to 'do' is let them. I know we don't WANT to feel so dreadful, or for seemingly forever...but we will feel even worse if we fight what's inside our hearts and minds. Write here if it helps. Write in a private journal if it doesn't. Eat healthily as best you can. Exercise some if you can. Take supplements if you can. Deep breath 10x/day if you can. Do something, anything, special and personalized to honour Furry and what she is to you. Like I have to as well, try to minimize your exposure to the rest of the world and people who can't or refuse to understand your very VALID pain. To HECK with them for now! Yours and Furry's relationship is what matters most right now, and for as long as your grief is all-consuming, that's how it's going to be. DON'T apologize for this, either. You have a right to your grief, and if you can't grieve this hard now, when CAN you? As someone wise said (I've forgotten who) "the most important grief is yours!"
Do all or nothing of the above, depending on how you feel one minute to the next. It's your grief and you can do whatever you choose to do with it. But if it does help, please lean on us, as was suggested. It's still the single, best thing I'm doing for myself and sometimes the lone thing that really helps me. And sometimes...I even start taking my own, cheap advise!
And BooBoo's Mom....I agree. I'm dreading even seeing the next year's number in print! I think I'll continue to count the time as lineal and not by the stoopid calendar.
When I tell anyone that Nissa is no longer here, I feel like I'm in a play, and those words simply can't be coming from MY lips...and this is even though she DID live to be quite a senior. In MY eyes, she never even started to look old until her last few months and when people used to ask about her back then, they were always amazed that she was still with us. So now....now it still doesn't seem real, that she's actually gone!
I think we imagine all sorts of ways we might feel somehow 'better' if this or if that were different, and in some cases it can be true. But I lost Sabin, her brother, at age 13, and much more suddenly, so now I can actually compare. And I've discovered it IS like what 'they' say....if we think they were too young, we're devastated that they didn't get to live out what should have been a longer life. And if they're old, we're still devastated because we've spent that much more time being with them everyday, and it also seemed as if they truly could go on forever. (this thinking is exactly the same with humans we lose) There's just NO winning when it comes to these partings. While one pain might be worse for one loss, another pain is just as strong with another loss....we can suffer just as badly, no matter what.
You'll never hear me telling you ought to think of all those happier times. I've learned that this is normally just not possible in early grief (where, technically, you still are, btw... the whole first year is considered 'early') and it's very normal to find this impossible or virtually so. Besides, even if you can and do remember?....those memories can cause you as much pain as the bad ones! And we're trying to AVOID causing ourselves even more grief than we've already got! So I believe you completely when you say you "CAN'T". And it's OKAY not to...really. I also love both Nissa and Sabin more than I've ever loved anyone else, animal or human and nothing that I know of is ever going to change that. When a mother loves her children more than anyone else, including her own husband, does anyone question that? No. But it sure makes the sorrow worse, and we just have to live with the grief consequences of feeling that way. There's nothing wrong with it, though. There's no rulebook that says the biggest love you ever feel, the best relationship you ever have, HAS to be with a human. And so it is with some of us.
How to cope w/o her? Think of yourself FIRST if having to decide between what to do and not do. Think of what YOU'D prefer. Then, just try as best you can, even if failing miserably at times, to just give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel, from one moment to the next. Let the feelings, horrible as they are, just flow. And try your best not to judge yourself for having them. They are what they are, and they'll do what they want, come when they want and all you have to 'do' is let them. I know we don't WANT to feel so dreadful, or for seemingly forever...but we will feel even worse if we fight what's inside our hearts and minds. Write here if it helps. Write in a private journal if it doesn't. Eat healthily as best you can. Exercise some if you can. Take supplements if you can. Deep breath 10x/day if you can. Do something, anything, special and personalized to honour Furry and what she is to you. Like I have to as well, try to minimize your exposure to the rest of the world and people who can't or refuse to understand your very VALID pain. To HECK with them for now! Yours and Furry's relationship is what matters most right now, and for as long as your grief is all-consuming, that's how it's going to be. DON'T apologize for this, either. You have a right to your grief, and if you can't grieve this hard now, when CAN you? As someone wise said (I've forgotten who) "the most important grief is yours!"
Do all or nothing of the above, depending on how you feel one minute to the next. It's your grief and you can do whatever you choose to do with it. But if it does help, please lean on us, as was suggested. It's still the single, best thing I'm doing for myself and sometimes the lone thing that really helps me. And sometimes...I even start taking my own, cheap advise!
And BooBoo's Mom....I agree. I'm dreading even seeing the next year's number in print! I think I'll continue to count the time as lineal and not by the stoopid calendar.
Judith,
The holidays are so hard on everyone. So much stress, demands from family and work, and thinking of the holidays without your furry loved ones is very hard. Tigger's been gone a week now and Precious almost five months (I still can't believe how fast time has gone!!). I hope you can get through this time of year without suffering more emotionally because you see so many people making merry and having fun whilst you're feeling like you're falling apart inside. I'm carrying on best I can. I can thank my Patches because he makes life a little easier!
Lisa
The holidays are so hard on everyone. So much stress, demands from family and work, and thinking of the holidays without your furry loved ones is very hard. Tigger's been gone a week now and Precious almost five months (I still can't believe how fast time has gone!!). I hope you can get through this time of year without suffering more emotionally because you see so many people making merry and having fun whilst you're feeling like you're falling apart inside. I'm carrying on best I can. I can thank my Patches because he makes life a little easier!
Lisa
Judith,I'm so sorry for your loss.It's so hard this time of year to be grieving when everyone around you is having fun and enjoying the holidays.My husband doesn't talk about our losing Sox that much anymore either but I am still hurting and I think about how much I miss him all the time.I'm sure my husband really is hurting inside,it's just that he doesn't know how to show it or thinks if he talks about it it will just make it that much more painful for me.He's wrong of course but men deal with grief in a different way than women do.Some men can talk about it but for most they bury it deep inside themselves for fear if they let it out it will be too much for them to handle.It's perfectly normal to feel the way you are feeling right now.It's been such a short time since you lost your baby that you haven't had the time needed to grief for her.In time you will be able to think back on all the happy times you shared with her.Trust me on that,o.k.?My boy Sox passed away on Oct. 13th and it is still hard for me to accept that he is gone and it will be a long time before I see him again.BUT...I will see him again.I truly believe with all my heart that our souls live on (including animals because I believe they have souls just like we do) and that we will meet them again some day when it is our time to pass on.Just know that you are not along in your feelings and that there are many of us still going thur the pain and hurt every day just trying to learn how to live without our babies.It's soooo hard and I know how painful it is.That's why this forum is so important.Come here anytime you wish and pour your heart out.We understand your pain and we will be here to listen.My heart goes out to you and I will put you in my prayers tonight.Sincerely,Renee
Oh Judith,
Your Furry was so beautiful! I understand, last year I had to write and tell people my mother died, this year it was Moustache. It's just too hard. I don't know how I'm gonna get through xmas either, somehow I guess. Poor little Moosie was only 10, dang, it's just too hard when we feel so robbed. I'm so sorry you hubby isn't helping you, it happens but it hurts. Like others have said, we are here for you.
>>>>>BIG HUG<<<<<
Love
Lori
Your Furry was so beautiful! I understand, last year I had to write and tell people my mother died, this year it was Moustache. It's just too hard. I don't know how I'm gonna get through xmas either, somehow I guess. Poor little Moosie was only 10, dang, it's just too hard when we feel so robbed. I'm so sorry you hubby isn't helping you, it happens but it hurts. Like others have said, we are here for you.
>>>>>BIG HUG<<<<<
Love
Lori
I had a cry over Chase today after finding an email in the "sent items" folder on my PC that I sent my sister the day Chase died 5 weeks ago. First of all you shouldn't have to live up to anybodys expectations as far as trying to be "full of the Christmas cheer" if you are just not into it. It seems the "acceptance" part of the grief cycle still eludes you and I feel bad for you that you have not found it for such a long period of time. Although some people take longer to find this acceptance than others it is even more unfortuntate that you seem to have had a time constraint imposed upon you or have simply been shut out, and frankly, that makes me feel quite angry. Nobody has the right to define your grief! Although it is yours alone to feel you need not bear it alone as it appears you now are doing. You did the right thing by coming back here. I am fairly new here but I have found this place to be a wonderful aid to healing. I am sure it can be for you too.
Thank-you all for your replies & words of support & comfort. It's sad that I can feel comforted because other people have the same level of pain. I wish none of us was having to be here. I'm just going to act as if Xmas isn't happening.
Maybe in 2007 I will start to feel less pain.
I will think of you all & your beautiful departed furbabies, when they have the candle lighting ceremony.
I thank you all again & hope that you all survive, even enjoy you Xmas & New Year.
Judith
Maybe in 2007 I will start to feel less pain.
I will think of you all & your beautiful departed furbabies, when they have the candle lighting ceremony.
I thank you all again & hope that you all survive, even enjoy you Xmas & New Year.
Judith
Judith,
Oh, make no mistake...I don't expect to be enjoying Christmas or NY's. The small pile of presents from my in-laws lays beside the fireplace (WE didn't buy presents for each other this year at all), and I can barely look at them. What care I for presents when my girl isn't here to chew the ribbons? Even if there's some sensitive and understanding gift in there that helps me honour my girl, all I'll be doing come Christmas Day is crying, I'm quite sure. So, for me too, "survive" is about the closest word for it. There IS company in misery and that's not a bad thing, even if we all wish none of us had a good reason for being here. Let's hope some of us can suffer a sort of temporary amnesia of the calendar this week! I can't even bear the thought of the year daring to change....it's too soon.
Oh, make no mistake...I don't expect to be enjoying Christmas or NY's. The small pile of presents from my in-laws lays beside the fireplace (WE didn't buy presents for each other this year at all), and I can barely look at them. What care I for presents when my girl isn't here to chew the ribbons? Even if there's some sensitive and understanding gift in there that helps me honour my girl, all I'll be doing come Christmas Day is crying, I'm quite sure. So, for me too, "survive" is about the closest word for it. There IS company in misery and that's not a bad thing, even if we all wish none of us had a good reason for being here. Let's hope some of us can suffer a sort of temporary amnesia of the calendar this week! I can't even bear the thought of the year daring to change....it's too soon.
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