I can't even think straight anymore...too much going on with this whole Christmas thing and most of it isn't good.

We've been to another Christmas party and it wasn't good, even though I'd thought this one would be. I don't know what's up lately, but wherever we go, topics and added pressures that normally don't come up are abounding, and it's making my pain worse than ever. This time, someone brought up the topic of how animals that are eaten as food suffer so tremendously in this industry. I know ALL about it and have for years, but I couldn't bring myself to add my 2 cents because the host of this party was SO loudly and busily defending such practises, having to be 'right', having to justify and sway everyone in the room to his viewpoint. I tried to ignore it and listen to other conversations, but he was so LOUD, and I was 'trapped' in a corner while everyone ate their food with plates on their laps.

While I did manage to lay down with their 2 cats for awhile (with the coats in the bedroom) and had a small cry while cuddling them, and had some nice, quiet time feeding them the catnip I'd brought for them, I also didn't catch any breaks from people asking about our gal...was she still alive? No, she passed recently...more questions, some sharing back about their own animals (both passed and present)...but very little understanding of my grief or our bond. Many glazed eyes and no real relationships with their own animals.....the dog's "dumb as a post"...the cat's a "mystery". I could hear the unspoken thoughts....they don't actually THINK, do they? Or FEEL?

Naturally the host (and avid hunter as well; we've had a few debates on this each year) not only had forgotten that we'd already made it quite clear, 2 months ago, that Nissa was our fur-daughter, but was perplexed by my sorrow. He'd thought I was trying to be funny when I'd said I was just trying to get by this season. I was so sick of this whole evening that later I had to remind him that Nissa was our feline daughter and if he could try to imagine how HE'D feel if one of his 2 daughters died...no, he said he didn't even want to GO to such a place. I said I did't have to imagine such sorrow. Even then, no real understanding... will you get another one then, or would that feel too disrespectful of her memory? Yes, and no, BUT...if you'd lost a daughter and someone asked you right away if you were planning on adopting 'another one', how would you feel? I hoped he was embarrassed. I'm so sick of this minimizing of grief, relationship, attachment, deep bonds, of trying to be 'understanding' myself, of others ignorance. I'M the one who needs such understanding right now, dammit! Not 'them'!

By the time I finally met someone who may have understood, who was going through HER first Christmas w/o her father and who has 2 dogs herself who she loves dearly...I was totally sapped of all strength and could barely even reach out. The host's wife was a little better, having offered 2 other friends of theirs time to spend with their 2 cats, and one dog, when these friends had lost their own companions. She did offer me the same, but they live so far from us, it's not practical...and then I'd have to spend time with this man who doesn't really understand. NO THANKS!

Everyone in this family was taken aback and perplexed by their 2 cats NOT hiding all evening...they were busy being sociable, getting cuddled by me and one other woman who actually liked cats (glory be!). We tried to explain to some people that animals (especially cats...sigh) react to what you do and don't expect of them..and if you give them none or little credit, they'll only comply with your rigid views. Why would they reach out if YOU don't meet them half-way? It was all so exhausting...but the only way to stop them from making nothing but disparaging remarks about animals. I didn't WANT to play 'teacher'...I wanted someone, anyone, to say something empathetic, like, "I'm surprised you're even HERE, at a party, after such a major loss...so soon after!"

I tried to tell my H that I was at the end of my rope, but frankly, he was too drunk by then to truly care...and get us the hell OUT of there! Too busy enjoying his own socializing. Even now...HE doesn't understand...not really....not enough for me.

And now, one more stupid party to attend next week...only because I want my animal books that I lent back from the host. I'm going to make it quite clear...we're only staying about one hour, and that's IT. And this party is by the woman who sent me that insensitive email story, and who has NEVER called me since I spoke up for myself and said that I didn't find it helpful. In fact, every single person I've told about this has offered NOTHING in the way of understanding WHY this story was so hurtful. Just as they don't 'get' my grief, I don't 'get' their lack of reasoning. It's NOT 'rocket science', after all...it's basic courtesy and a little bit of empathy.

The ONLY good thing this week, was that one distance friend actually sent us not only a card (the only one YET from a friend this year), but a little something I found hanging on one of our trees (so my H was in cahoots on this). I made sure I wrote her right away, in thanks and grat*itude for thinking of me this season. And I also sent a "thinking of you" card to other friends who'd just lost their dad. BUT, I'm not ever expecting ever again, that these same kindnesses will ever be returned. I've also learned they almost never are. The anger inside is building....

You are wasting your time debating issues like that with a drunkin' jerk like him. It's people like that I would like to drop off in places where I have been, like in Somalia, or Bosnia, where the hunted shoot back. I'll bet that would drop the gut wrenching smell of his testosterone a notch or two. He ain't worth your time and effort...don't buy into his arguments. He doesn't CARE what you think...he just wants to listen to himself shoot his own mouth off. Maybe thats what he needs...somebody to "shoot" his mouth off. Anyway your post succeded in bringing out that rage in me. It's odd but I'm starting to feel protective of people in the forum. I think that's why your post irrirated me so much. You know, however, that the people you really need and that need you are HERE! So leave that pitiful excuse for a human behind you and keep coming back. WE"LL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU

try not to get drawn into other peopless ignorance,at the end of the day ,they can,t take away what you shared with your pet,s.my dog lucky was my best friend and i,m not ashamed to admit it.i,m surrounded by neighbours who don,t treat animals as they should be,or who have got rid of them because they can,t be bothered anymore.quite frankly-i would like to beat them all around the head.i nod because i have to ,but i call them everything under the sun under my breath.i can,t bear animal cruelty under any cir%%stances,i just hope they get payback in some way.
just grin thru gritted teeth and call them the biggest bastards on the planet under your breath.you,ll be surprised how much it helps.take it day as is comes.

Lucky,I totally agree with you on this one.......Furkidlet's Mom,please don't waste energy on people like that! They are the ones who are missing out on what is good in life,the love of an animal.You know what that love is all about and they don't.At the very least you should feel sorry for them that they'll never know what the love of a pet can do for your life.I'm sorry you had such a bad time at the party.........why don't you just skip that final party you were talking about? Make up some excuse as to why you can't make it and stay home instead.Spend the night remembering all the good times you spent with your babies and all the love that they gave you.People will always be assholes, all of us here know that.I just don't say anything to the people I'm around because they are just so insensitive and I know they will never understand that I am still grieving and I'm still in pain over losing my baby Sox.No one asks me how I'm doing either,other than my closest friends and even they don't ask that often.I guess maybe people are just too caught up in their own lives to give someone just a minute of their time to relay to them that they are sorry for their loss.I'm glad you got that card from your friend,perhaps your little furbabies had something to do with that from the other side? I hope it put a smile on your face if only for a moment.I'm sorry your having such a terrible holiday season.I wish I lived near you so I could come over and give you a hug.I would listen to you because I know the pain you are in.I'm going thur the pain right along with you.I hope it gets better for you very soon.Oh,by the way,are you participating in our candle lighting ceremony on christmas eve? Keeping you in my prayers,Renee (Sox's mom)

Hello My Friend, I am so so sorry you are going through all the additional trauma of having to deal with such cruel insensitivities. What is wrong with people??? I'll NEVER understand why they don't realize that we can love our furbabies just as much as a human child and the pain of losing one of them is just as great. I hope that insensitive (expletive deleted) was embarrassed too and hopefully you gave him something to think about when he went to bed that night. I know when someone said " you have other cats don't you?" it's like saying to someone who lost a human child "well you have other kids don't you?", it would be the ultimate cruel remark. They just don't see it's the same thing!!! When I went over to my sister's for Thanksgiving my niece was telling me how sorry she was about T.C. Then she asked me if it took a long time for him to die or if it was fast...I'm still reeling over that one. I do everything I can to take good care of my pets so I don't have to feel haunted that I didn't do enough but now I am overwhelmed by guilt. I knew T.C. didn't have very much time left but now I'm wondering if I should have had him PTS on Tuesday instead of letting him go naturally and in his own home on Friday. Was I selfish? I thought I was doing the right thing. My God, I don't think I can live with myself if I made him suffer just so he could be with me a few more days. T.C., I am SO SORRY if I did. I am crying so hard right now I can hardly write and I am so sorry because I know this isn't what you need right now. Reading your post and some of the others about uncaring people has made my anger resurface and now, thanks to my neice I have the guilt I never had before. Thank you, Furkidlets' Mom for always taking the time to write back to me even when your own dispair is so tremendous. Many hugs to you-Kathi

Thank you for your comforting words Lee. I know deep down I couldn't make T.C.'s final memory a terrifying trip to the vet if it wasn't absolutely necessary. I think even as he declined more and more during his last 4 days he still would have felt the fear. I know for alot of people here they didn't have the option of being with their babies at home-it must be the hardest thing in the world making that final trip to the vet. He had given me so much throughout his lifetime and I just wanted to give him the comfort of being close to me since I knew it would be the last act of love I could give him. Each day I went to work I would ask him to wait for me and he would. I thought of it a gift he gave to me so he wouldn't have to be alone. My niece is 26 so it's not like she's a little child. Maybe she didn't realize the wheels of guilt she set in motion. I've tried to get past these careless remarks and chalk it up to not knowing what to say or just plain stupidity but this one hurt to the core of my soul. You are right about second guessing your decision-it does hurt more. I do need to keep going forward, if not for me, I have my other fur babies that need me.
I'm glad you posted Fluffy's picture-T.C. had that expression quite frequently when he was drifting off to sleep or if he was annoyed with me when I'd stalk him with my camera! I have very few really good ones of him-alot of walking away or sniffing the camera pictures! Trying not to be partial to orange cats but Fluffy is quite a good looking little man himself-hope you will be able to post more pictures of him. Thank you for making me feel a little better-take care-Kathi

Kathi - I understand how you feel and I'm so sorry for your loss. I think if I hear the phrase "just a cat" one more time from someone, I'm going to choke them to death, because they are "just a human" and a useless one at that!

Our babies are our family, they are part of us. Losing them is no different than losing any other member of the family.

Feel free to talk about your boy here all you want, and know that we too, feel your grief.

Hey, you guys....I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your empathetic replies to these latest additions to my grief. You're all wonderful, and I don't know what I'd do without you! One good thing IS knowing I'm not totally alone, even if I can't see you or have you all right here with me. If only, eh?

All this extra stress has now made me sick as well...another thing I didn't need...so I wasn't able to reply yesterday. However, I'll be looking after myself and not attending that last party if I'm even a little bit sick by Friday. It won't be worth it just to get my books back from those people...who will also likely say something stupid...or NOT apologize for that 'miracle' story sent to me, to which I 'protested'. For those who don't know what this was ~ a girl is dying and the mall Santa joined her family, prayed, and she survived...so believe in miracles at Christmas!...I cried buckets...then responded to the woman, who hasn't replied since, and got her husband to invite us to this party...something that NEVER happens. I just don't get it...not even my husband seems to be angry at this woman for this lack of thought...neither does anyone else around me. To me, it seems so painfully obvious. MY little girl died...despite all my prayers... which suggests my prayers weren't 'good enough' to save her, like this human girl. I know this isn't true, but that's what the story suggests. I mean, what's the message here? If I pray hard enough (or can find a special Santa with 'magical' powers ), I can bring Nissa back this Christmas????? Why anyone would think this would help someone who'd lost someone, anyone, no matter who or what their story...I just...don't....know! I never gave people much credit to begin with...but THIS...it's unbelievable anyone could be that dumb!

As for that host....I'm not sure if he was even drunk (that was actually my husband who was), but I do know he (and his wife) likes to think of himself as the smartest, most rational, educated and successful person in a crowd (the really scary part ~ he heads up Scout groups, so teaches young lads about the joys of hunting!)....big egos, both. Strangely, he can be a really considerate guy in many cases....what made this even harder to take, as if this 'special' circu*mstance didn't 'qualify' somehow. However, it made me feel SO much better to have you folks on MY 'side'. I even relayed particular sentences back to my H, as he didn't have many words of agreement or support for me, either....and I know he really LIKES this guy. So I really appreciated that some of you men, in addition to the ladies, supported my feelings. And the fact that you've seen battle, John, yet are still such a sensitive and caring guy....man, that really impresses me! (I like your idea, btw )

I suppose that's really what hurts the very most, no matter which circu*mstance I've gone through lately...the fact that my H tries to stay sort of 'on the fringes', most often not wanting to take an assertive stand on mine and Nissa's behalf....and lets these cutting remarks slide right off his back. I think his 'acceptance' of all sorts of things is really just an excuse to not get more involved, or to risk feeling as much pain as those like us here do. It's a perceived 'safer' course.

I tried to take more care of myself this week by reaching out, yet again, and trying to find more resources for myself here. I attended an art therapy class that was supposed to cover ANY kind of loss, hoping to find even one person there who also loved animals. Well, I didn't, even though one woman has an African Grey Parrot. Even the therapist mentioned a lone fish in a bowl who is kept in this facility...my heart dropped, realizing that no matter her chatter about animals (and her own therapy dog), even SHE didn't 'get' the real sanct*ity of ALL other creatures' lives. She's supposed to starting a course on the Human-Animal Bond this spring, which I thought would fit the bill for me cuz who else but animal lovers would attend such a class? I may still give it a shot, but now I'm not hopeful at all. I'd originally met this therapist when she'd run the Pet Loss Support Group here, when I lost Sabin almost 7 years ago, so really thought she'd be a kindred spirit...but even she falls short...and I DON'T get any real benefit out of her methodology of healing through art. Unlike most, she believes in focusing on the GOOD in everything...something I'm not ready for yet, this early into my grief.

So....I'm going to start seeing my old therapist as well as the one I've been going to awhile, to see if this will help...but again, my hopes for this aren't high, either, as she'd thought my "meshing" with Nissa wasn't as healthy for me as she would have liked. She did, however, rightfully recognize that my H's lack of 'connectiveness' with me wasn't helping matters, and wouldn't serve us well when Nissa eventually crossed, but he's chosen to forget most of what was 'required' of him on that front. In fact, last night when I told him quite specifically what I needed from him (for the hundredth time!), he bluntly said I was S.O.L. in that respect...he wasn't capable of it, period. Guess what it was I'd asked for.... to spontaneously share (ie, help me remember) more of the GOOD memories about our kidlets, as we were as a family! Since he's more the type who prefers and chooses to filter out the bad stuff, ya'd think...And this is the direction he'd like to see ME head in...but he won't help me get there. So I'm mad at him, too. And last night, while being sick (to his credit, he DID take pretty good physical care of me), I had a nice fantasy of maybe being REALLY sick with something, and just dying right out from this place...whether I see my kids again or not...but just getting OUT of here.

And Kathi...what Lee has already told you is good stuff. I'd just like to add that I also suffered (for years!) great, horrible, ugly guilt over Sabin's death, who also went naturally. While I still have what I now consider healthy shame for my decision, it's greatly tempered by the fact that I DID learn from it, didn't repeat the parts that I suffered guilt for, and just didn't know any better at the time. And despite this guilt, for BOTH of our kidlets, I KNOW, for certain, that neither one of them would have wanted to die in a clinic, if it could be avoided at all. In a few communications after Sabin's death, he said that when the pain got too bad, his consciousness had simply left his body as needed, and so was "drifting in and out" from this plane. I believe that, as this happens with humans, too, and has been docu*mented. Since animals have a less-fearful view anyway about dying and death, it's easier for me to trust that they know how to take care of themselves this way, as needed, without all the emotional baggage attached as we humans tend to carry. While this doesn't mean we should simply disregard their possible pain, it does mean we can come to forgive ourselves for being less than absolutely perfectly perfect in every single situation.

I also kept reminding myself, as a few people had pointed out, that in the wild, or even back when vets weren't normally available to people, dying naturally was the NORM. And there are some people, even today, who endeavor to allow their animals to go naturally, when they can. (this can actually serve the soul well in some ways, apparently) I don't know a lot about this way, but have read a couple of accounts of this which I found very helpful/educational, as it was apparent that what a physician friend of mine had told me about humans AND animals dying, WAS true, and that much of the 'suffering' we can see, at least right at the end, is most likely not as bad for the dying as it is for us onlookers....not that anyone can really prove this, unless they've 'come back', but some of those accounts of NDE's actually DO support this.

And in the human grief books I've read, it's most apparent that when humans are dying, the single most important factor to their peace in most cases, is having loving people caring for them and tieing up any loose ends in relationships before they go. Since animals don't usually even have any unfinished relationship business to attend to, that only leaves the factor of LOVE....and you gave that, in spades! As did I, despite the way things worked out.

Regarding your niece... that younger age and lack of experience could be a factor, and although she at least cared enough to allow you to talk about it, were it me, I would have just asked if you wished to tell your story, and left any details up to you to share or not. This is the much safer course with anyone who's in ultra-vulnerable mode after a loss. It almost sounds like she might have her own fears to deal with, which, most unfortunately, she may have chosen to try and get alleviated through YOU....NOT the right thing to do with any griever!! Just as I can give a bit of credit to that host for 'getting' that it would feel "disrespectful" to Nissa to 'get another', that's ALL he's gonna get, as he still missed the much bigger picture. I can only hope he truly will learn something from my forthright response. But overall, I don't think it ought to dumped on US to try to figure out other people's motives and problems, when we can barely deal with our own during grief! It stinks....it just stinks....even IF we end up more compassionate because of it...part of the 'beauty' that lies within the pain, but I'd prefer less pain, thanks all the same! Is it any wonder so many people end up bitter after a loss??? It's not like we usually forget who was compassionate and who wasn't.

So, at the end of the day....I'm more scared than ever of Christmas now, of people's reactions, expectations, high hopes, yadda-yadda. What's gonna happen if I'm no better, or maybe even worse, when me and my H go to that hotel? His expectations and hopes might just make me feel even worse, and then I'll get blamed for 'wasting' money on an expensive hotel stay, when I could have just grieved at home for free! I can hear it all now...

I know what you mean but I need to jump in here, in particular because of something that happened long ago in my life. My 12 year old brother became sick 38 long years ago right around Christmas, He slipped into a comma and 3 days later died. I prayed that this would not come to pass and when it did I shunned my God for the next 35 years (God please forgive me) and as far as the afterlife went...THERE WAS NONE....PERIOD. No God...no afterlife. Think about that, our lives, and our pets lives ending with no meaning...no purpose...no chance of spiritual ressurection. Life went on as I say for a great number of years in this fashion. Events in my life led me to a place in my mind one day when all of a sudden my "spirit" awoke from its long coma. The thought that pierced my mind like a splinter was simply this.."Who I am I to decide arbitrarily that there is or is not a God just because I didn't get my way" HOW CHILDISH & IMMATURE OF ME...HOW ARROGANT & STUPID I WAS! I learned thru different clergy, very gently, that the problem was ME. I was praying all wrong. I was using God as a 'Wish List" if you will. Now I have learned to pray for STRENGTH in times of darkness (like Chases death) and not to question his decision if it is decided the soul in question is now to meet its Maker. I am not God so do not know his plan..therefore I need to have FAITH in it. Who would want to be God anyway...to much responsibility and probably really underpaid (just a little joke God ) I am convinced without this knowledge my emotional & psychological condition at present would at best be precarious and functioning within the realm of a "normal" person (whatever that maybe) would not be possible

Hi John,

Yah, I know this isn't how to pray. I usually just ask, in these kinds of cases, for the highest good for ALL concerned, to be done...no matter what that looks like at the time. It's not that idea that bothered me the most about this email...just that it's insensitive to send someone who's had a recent loss ANY story, really, about someone else's loved one being spared death...especially seeing as this woman has told me that she picks and chooses her 'forwards' discriminately. Some discrimination! I just can't figure out WHAT kind of message this was supposed to be, directed at me....what kind of 'miracle' was she thinking I'd automatically THINK of, after reading this, other than Nissa being alive and well? I know you 'got' this already....I'm STILL just venting some more!! And I DO appreciate your story! ( and did you notice, in Renee's thread for our listings of our loved ones, that we're both in Canada? )

And yah, I couldn't even imagine going on w/o believing that no one who ever lived ever truly dies...although my beliefs contain the idea that we all really ARE Our Creator, or as much of that as we can be w/o being strictly the 'originator' of everything. (I like to think of it as Our Creator having 'grown in diversity and number...and this is the part we've somehow 'forgotten'...and so we continue to suffer. It makes the idea of separate beings and personalities sort of abstract, if we're all part of the One (and hard to imagine 'losing', although we can't really 'lose' what is a part of us at all)....but it sits really well with me inside and so is my comfort. What's hardest though, is trying to believe that these insensitive types are ALSO part of our Godness! I also think that if God is so all-powerful, then 'juggling' all the intricacies of the whole web of Life couldn't be THAT hard!

Kathi,

I just came across something really good in the Loss Dictionary that I've just posted a link to in the Resources section here. It might be something for you to keep in mind if anyone else asks that stupid question about still having OTHER furbabies here. They said that a good response might be "Well, then let me cut off your thumb and it will be okay because you have 4 other healthy fingers, right?" (This suggestion comes from the Cuts Like A Knife article at MISS Foundation.) How's that for a good rejoinder? Just had to share that!

Many many thanks to you Lee, Furkidlet's Mom and AlleysMama When I look back on the night when T.C. had to leave me, there is not one thing I would have changed. I KNOW within my soul I did the right thing for both of us. I have to remember that if T.C. was truly visibly suffering I would have taken him to the vet and not let him endure the pain just so I could have a few more days with him. I love him too much to do that. I feel a kind of inner peace that we were able to share his last moment together and I was hopefully able to give him that last bit of security and love as he crossed over. I hope you found a little bit of that peace, Furkidlet's Mom just knowing you were with Sabin at the right time when he needed you and you were there for him. I am fighting so hard to keep things in perspective and not let those around me influence my emotions by letting them make me angry at the careless remarks-if it wasn't for you all here I would probably be consumed by rage. AlleysMama, I have been fortunate that no one has refered to T.C. as "oh he was just a cat"-lucky for them. Even though I'm the biggest wimp on the planet I WOULD probably choke them too. You Know, we are surrounded by so many humans but how many are really humane? I'm sorry if I seem to be rambling but this is the only place I can. Thinking of you always, Kathi