Last Sunday I lost my first son, Indy. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I had Indy since he was 2 months old and had him with me until he was 14 years old. His full name was Indiana Jones, the previous owner had already named him and I couldn't bear to change it. He was such a good soul and friend to me. He rolled with the punches and put up with me and my life changes but always was there with a wagging tail and a lick for me. It is hard to come home and those usual pesters that he did are now very missed. I miss him sooooo much. My heart is cracked and trying to heal but sometimes it just hurts. I feel for everyone who losses a family member. I want to say so much more about him but when I think about it it hurts. I know he is better now and finally I have some closer to his death. His old vet did more explaining than the emergency vet and the current vet. It helped me a little but opened my wound again and the process started over. My Indy was a German Shepard/Rot Mix. The best thing that happened to me. He found me when he walked by that first day with his mom. I picked him up and we cuddled. He fell asleep on me and that was the start of my new family. We went through a lot together . . . then I had a baby and his life changed. I gave him all that I had just as much as I give my children. We all miss him very much. This site helps me grieve and know I am not the only one who feels this deeply. I found pictures of my son in his prime and they sit on my dresser and I do my ritual every night. When my dogs went to bed I always told them see you in the morning and love you. I miss him deeply. This is just as hard as making the decision to euthanize him. I hope he isn't mad at me because I was just thinking of him and his quality of life not myself. I hope he understands.

Chrissy,
I am so sorry about Indy. I recently lost my sweet girl, Casey, after almost 17 years together. She was a silver-gray, kelly green-eyed cat with a beautiful, expressive face and an amazing personality. She was with me through many of the ups and downs of my life and was always in tune with whatever I was feeling at the moment. If I was sad, stressed or grumpy, she would jump up on my lap, lie down and purr up a storm. Just petting her and feeling the vibration from her "motor" lifted my mood. When my Mom was diagnosed with cancer in 1999, Casey was such a comfort and, when she died a year later, Casey was always there - purring, comforting - in short, just being Casey. She was diagnosed with kidney disease on Valentine's Day and I had her put to sleep earlier this month. I felt exactly as you do - guilty and hopeful that she understood why I did what I did. My best (human) friend, who also had shared much of Casey's life when we roomed together, was with us and was so wonderful. She reminded me that Casey loved unconditionally and knew that I loved her in the same way. She trusted me (which is what triggered MY guilt in the first place) and knew that I would only do the absolute best thing for her. She didn't suffer - she was just suddenly very weak. She hated her medicines, hated driving to the vet's office (although she truly loved our vet to pieces!) and I promised her that I wouldn't do that again, nor would I let her suffer for a moment when the treatment benefits began to wane and the disease began to make her sick again. She looked at me that afternoon with such love in her eyes that my guilt soared. I've come to realize, though, that my vet and my friend were both right - she understood. Actually, she more than understood - she knew it was time and that I was keeping my promise. Another dear friend has a lovely house by the ocean here in Maine and offered a spot in her garden for Casey to rest. She has a lovely garden around her (which is perfect as Casey's favorite thing to do was play in my plants!), the smell of the sea and warm sunshine. She has left such a hole in my life, but so many wonderful memories in my heart. I know that you have all of the same for Indy - a huge void, but such memories! You have to remember that you haven't truly lost him because you shared such a special relationship together. When there is that much love, it is impossible to lose it. Although I didn't think I would ever adopt another cat, I will adopt two new furbabies next week. I feel that Casey blessed me with so much love that I need to share it. Her absence will always be painful and I can never replace her. I can honor her, though, by loving another baby (or, in this case, two little sisters). You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please stay in touch and know that there are so many people who understand and care about what you are going through. Michele

Chrissy,

I am so so sorry for your loss of Indy.

Of course he understands and is not mad at you. I know it is hard, but please know that. On the contrary, he is grateful that you gave him a good death (the word "euthanize" actually comes from Greek and means "good death.") For so many of us, the time comes when we have to make "The Decision..." What we are really deciding to do is take on more pain, and more suffering than we knew was possible-- all so that our loved one can be pain-free. I KNOW how heart wrenching and terrible it is -- I had to euthanize two last year. But, I guess, if the pain were going to be 1000 times worse, or a million times worse, and yet my pain would ease the pain of my sweet darling babies -- I'd take it all on. That what good parents do... It is the loving and right thing to do... Thank you for being so brave.

Love,
Jennifer

Chrissy,

You put Indy's needs ahead of your own! In the end when we want desperately for the news to be all good (but it is all bad) to prolong life would be only for us...not them---I have a bit of the opposite problem...I did "hang on" and I wonder if my baby suffered much more than need be because of my selfishness. The emergency vets never advised me to consider euthanasia but in retrospect they probably should have.

I am so sorry you have lost your Indy but I am so glad that you had him and he had you! Loving a pet as you did is a unique experience that can not be replicated in any way--you will always have Indy for the rest of your life!
My heart goes out to you ...be confident that you made the perfect decision. Indy had nothing but love for you from day one. Nothing could ever change that.

Dear Chrissy,
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing your baby is such a heartbreaking and huge life adjustment. On Monday it will be three weeks since we lost our beautiful black lab Jordan. When he was ill I wondered when we would "know" that he had had enough and if I would be able to make "the decision." The night before he died, my husband and I were laying on the floor with him, talking and loving him when he looked at me with an expression I had never seen before and I knew. I couldn't say it outloud at the time but I knew that would be our last night with him. The next day I told this to our wonderful vet and he said, "I believe that Jordan was communicating with you in a way that we can never fully understand or appreciate. I don't want to make him sound too human but he was looking to you for help." I truely believe that and we have absoutely no doubt that it was JJ's time. Our vet also gave us a pamphlet from BrandNew Memorial Marker Company on helping to go on after the loss of a loved one. It says that "Studies have shown that with the exception of perhaps the higher primates, most animals accept their own death calmly and without any fear. They are not upset by the prospect of dying and often sense when their time is near." At the time I didn't want to even think about that but now I find comfort in reading that. I hope it may help you all as well. Take care.
Jordan's mom

Chrissy,

Yes, Indy DOES understand, and he loves you and is in perfect bliss now.

You're in my prayers!

Love,

Kathy

p.s. I really liked what the others wrote in response. And I hadn't realized that "euthanasia" meant "good death." That is comforting. My daughter, Little Girl, was "euthanized" on March 24. She had been the love of my life---and really, she still is. I know she's fine, and I know we'll be reunited.

I want to say a huge Thank You to everyone. It hurt at first because I miss him soooo much but at the same time it made me smile. All of your babies are so lucky to have each and every one of you in their lives just as I was blessed with my Indy. I didn't realize that euthanasia meant good death. It comforts me to know that and to know that my Indy is with such loved pets as yours. Indy was with me through the thick and thin, just as my husband, but Indy was just a dog to him, loved but a dog. For me, it was different. He was more than just a dog, he was my best friend too. He had this funny thing about licking everyone, I started to tell everyone watch out Indy is going to do a lick by! He annoyed my husband and me too sometimes but overall he was such a good boy. I think of him running with all the other dogs and cats (He loved cats!! Not to eat!!) and I smile. My last good memory of him is when I took him to the vet for a senior exam and the tech brought in a kitten for my son to look at. Well my son didn't want anything to do with the kitten but Indy was soooooo interested. He licked and sniffed him it seemed for the longest time before the kitten hissed and swapped his paw at him. At that point Indy knew okay I'll back off but I was just curious. It is hard to believe that I got the results of the tests and they said he was okay just had arthritis and 5 days later he was a mess. 9 days after the news I got he was in good health, he wasn't in good health and I had to make the decision. I did it with love for him. He was a very good boy. I talk to his pictures everyday and I have my two other dogs that have beening comforting me too. I don't think my cats even notice he is missing. . .well maybe one. They used to argue about table scraps!!!! Thank you again, it helps to know that other people feel the same way. I know it will be a while before we are once again together but Indy will always be alive in my heart.
Mommy loves and misses you dear Indy!!
Thanks for all the wonderful wishes, ChrissyW