In advance, thank you for your time and your indulgence and I apologize if some of this post would be better placed elsewhere.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

Today it has been one year since I put my dog Ashley (aka my Precious Princess or Princess Precious) to sleep and my baby left me forever.

I came to make a comment on this sad anniversary for several reasons. The first reason is because I would like to say “thank you” to any of the persons that helped me back then that might still be around reading these entries and continuing to help others cope with the loss of their pet or pets. I truly do not know what I would have done without the kindness you “strangers” (such as 5catsmom or Toty’smum, angelbaby, Kim R. and others - no offense if I left names out) showed to me when I shared my (often strange) thoughts with you. You ceased at that time to be strangers and even if bonding was brief and at a distance it was greatly appreciated and needed. It was nice knowing that I wasn’t the only one feeling or even doing such weird things in my grief. So thank again for all the voices of encouragement from everyone that shared with me and for the kindness and support you showed me. I hope that you all are doing well and have come through your grief journey too.

The second reason I am here is to not only share a bit of my journey since that time with those that helped me but also to share my story in hopes that those who are currently feeling the acute, intense and horrible feelings of loss over their pet’s death will have hope for the future.

When Ashley, my sweet bichon of 14 years, 4 months and 8 days, died (after I put her to sleep) I felt tormented over what I did (putting her to sleep). I questioned whether the vet had my dog’s best interests at heart and whether he had given me good advice (to put her to sleep), I questioned by own intent, I questioned whether I should have shared this or that info with the vet and whether doing so would have changed the outcome. I wondered if what I said, fed, did or didn’t do contributed to her outcome. I wondered if I put her down too soon or not soon enough. I wondered if other tests would have revealed a “fixable” cure that I should have done before putting her to sleep. But mostly I grieved with such an intensity that I ultimately became so depressed that I thought of ending my life.

For those of you that have just lost your baby or babies, grieving is of course normal, but letting it overwhelm and lead to such a deep depression is probably not normal. I realize now that I was depressed prior to Ashley’s death, but her death was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Anyway, the persons here and this site truly did help me but ultimately my depression was so severe and triggered memories of all the bad things in my life that I had no desire to keep posting and sharing my depression. In addition, reading posts from those still experiencing pain and grief over the loss of their babies a year or even years later just made me feel hopeless in the face of my grief.

Ultimately I sought help. Now 365 days later I remember my sweet Princess with sadness still but with a hope I didn’t have back at first. I finally understand that this pain will never go away, though it lessens and I can deal with it now. I find memories of her, while sweet, still come unbidden at times and still can make me cry. I still miss her like crazy and I still wish she were in my house (even if that meant her having accidents like she did so much before she died). I still wish she was in my life.

But for those of you just now dealing with the death of your loved pet, it truly is not like it is right after. It truly and honestly does get better. I didn’t believe it and perhaps you don’t right now either. But it does, it can. The questions that haunt you get answered sometimes and sometimes they don’t. But for me, I finally realized that I only did what was the best I could do at the time. I can not go back and change anything. I cannot supply answers for my unanswerable questions. But I did learn to forgive myself and then I determined to learn from my experience. I also learned not to expect that I should be able to move through the stages of grief smoothly. I just let the feelings come, but learned to try and not focus on them. It was always hard doing something for the first time without her, such as going to the park or going to my parent’s house or to the farm our family owns, going on trips. All the things she used to do with me (or us) I had to grieve over doing those things without her, but I did do it.

I took Ashley’s death and used it, through the help I sought, to explore my spirituality, my thoughts on death and to think about what it means to be here on this earth and to be human. I experienced an existential angst that I hadn’t done since I was in high school and college. But I have grown. I have also made peace with my “beliefs” and/or “non-beliefs” and death. I have accepted that part of what made this so difficult was that I had to think for Ashley. Unlike a person that can tell us his or her wishes for not resuscitating them or letting them die, etc., our pets cannot do so and therefore the wishes of our pets become our decisions. In doing that with Ashley, despite Ashley being Ashley, part of Ashley was “me” really and reflected how I would have felt rather than perhaps what was necessarily best or what Ashley really needed.

Anyway, Ashley’s death has been instrumental in making me stop and explore my life again and its purposes. It has made me appreciate life more and appreciate being human. I wish I still had her, I wish that no one had to suffer and die, I wish none of us had to hurt and grieve, but I am thankful for to be here and have the opportunity to experience all that makes us human (even though I wish it didn’t have to involve sadness and loss.) And I am thankful that it is true that time heals.

So for those of you who helped me last year, thank you again. For those of you hurting over the recent death of your pet(s), my thoughts and hopes for your recovery are here and go out to you everywhere. I hope my long and rambling story does at least provide hope that you will get through your grief. If I can (one whose grief was on top of a depression episode) you can and will. I encourage each person hurting to not be afraid to seek help and companionship with those who have been through this and are still going through this and from those that love and care about you.

Finally… My Ashley – I miss you sweet bear, so very very much. Thank you for being in my life for over 14 years. Thank you for loving me even when I did not give you all the time I should have or all the attention you deserved. Thank you for letting me spoil you and for you being you. I miss your little doggy self and your little doggy ways. I am sorry I didn’t always fully appreciate your being you and that you saw sides of me that were not always very nice. I hope that I can learn to love others as you showed me which is to love unconditionally and to forgive.

I miss your big chocolate brown eyes, your little pink chubby belly. I miss blowing “bubbles” on your belly. I miss your "hand signals" for me to keep rubbing on your belly. I miss your soft (sometimes matted) curly white hair. I miss your smell. I miss having you underfoot in the kitchen. I miss you picking up the food I inevitably dropped when I was eating (and boy that’s a lot more than I realized now that you are gone!) I miss your warm body snuggled in my lap or the times when we all went camping and you slept snuggled up next to me in my sleeping bag. I miss your (okay “my”) excitement on Christmas mornings when we would get all those treats out of your stocking. I miss you taking off after dogs 3-6 times your height/weight and then running back to me for help when they started after you. I miss how you let me know how much you disliked me cutting or shaving the hair just on your feet by “growling” at me or “fake biting” me when I did this every summer. Oh, I miss how you acted the very first time I shaved you down for your summer “hair-do” (all embarrassed) and how you went and dragged all your hair out of the trash bag that night and slept on it.

I miss how you learned to open cabinet doors and help yourself to goodies you might find. I remember how you loved to open the doors to the dirty clothes hamper and sleep in there when I was at work and how the first time you did this it took me awhile (and in a state of distress) to find you as you ignored my calls! I miss going to the bathroom and then hearing you push the door open with your nose so you could be with me all the time. I miss you even getting into the trash and then taking stuff you found up on to the bed where you would lounge and eat gross things on the comforter. Sweet bad behaving dog!

I miss having you here to eat a whole unopened box of chocolates like you did and having to give you hydrogen peroxide to make you vomit so the chocolate wouldn’t harm you (and of course you vomited underneath the end table, the only place I hadn’t put down newspaper). I remember you sitting there foaming at the mouth with chocolate foam and looking very grumpy afterwards! (Me too!)

I miss your bark. I miss your toys everywhere. I miss your tail wagging and your clear excitement at seeing me when I would come home after working all day. I miss kissing that spot right on the top of your little snout. I miss you chewing up your daddy’s brand new shoes (he probably doesn’t though.) I miss you getting grumpy at me for trying to dress you up at Halloween (sorry.) I miss seeing you swim at the farm. I miss our long walks together at the farm. I miss you getting mad when we would shoot off fireworks at the farm and how you would just walk calmly off not making too big a deal of it all, but letting us know by ignoring our calls to come back that you weren’t happy with it all. I miss watching you decide that it was much easier to swim across the lake at the farm to be with me on the other side, than it was for you to run all the way around it. I miss how when you would get stickers in your paws at the farm and you would just sit down and not move. You wouldn’t cry or whine. You didn’t come when I called. You just waited until I finally would come to you and check you out and find the stickers. Once the stickers were gone, you wouldn’t do anything but get up and start the walk again. I miss being on the floats out on the lake and having you come swim out and join me on the float. I miss coming home from vacations and see you be excited that I was home, and then acting grumpy by turning your head away when I went to kiss you (letting me know you weren’t happy that you had been left.)

I miss you tearing up socks. I miss you bringing toys over for us to play. I miss taking you everywhere with me (that you were allowed to go.) I miss talking to you. I miss sharing my thoughts with you. I miss...

Oh Ashley there is so much much more that I miss. There is no way I can even begin to share all the moments of joy that you brought to me during our 14 years plus together. There are just so many wonderful memories of you. I miss you my sweetest baby. Thank you again for loving me. Thank you for making my life here on this earth more beautiful than it would have been without you. Thank you again for being you.

Thanks to all here as well for letting me share my story.

PrincessPrecious'Mom

What an amazing post and an absolutely wonderful and loving tribute to your Precious Princess. I read every word and was deeply moved by the things you said. I also suffer from depression, but I have not found the courage to seek professional help as you did. Thank you so much for giving me hope that things will get better. I look forward to the days when I can remember my sweet Schtoobing with as much joy and tenderness as you remember your Princess.

Thank you so very much for every word you wrote.I read this web site daily but have only written at the beginning of my sweet babys dx.of cancer.Your letter has been copied for re reading.I only hope after 365 days I will be able to feel like you.I am loving every day I am given with Tina and dread the final day.Thank you again for writing to us all.You never know who will read this web and who you will help.You definately helped me in a very positive way.Thank you.

PrincessPrecious'Mom

I'm so sorry you lost your Ashley. This is a wonderful post and you have explored many of the things people are dealing with right now.

I'm on the board now because we lost our little boy kitty, Moustache the end of October, we miss him so much. Ten years ago I lost my best friend and kitty cat, Butch. He was 22. You are so right, it never goes away, but each year gets a little eaiser. Some days I still cry, some days I can remember the good times and laugh. For Moose the pain is so close, but I have remembered some of the good times there too.

I was profoundly changed by the loss of my Butch, but I like to think it was for the better. I am much more sensitive to need now and more compassionate. I, like you, used the loss to explore my spirituality and my mortality. I find, after this loss, I have had to revist some of my beliefs.

I tried to pretend that I was okay, while dealing with a very severe depression, I too was close to ending my life before I got help. It took me a year to face the fact I needed professional help. I'd like to urge anyone dealing with depression in the wake of a loss that doesn't seem to be getting better to not wait but find someone to help you.

Thinking of you and your Ashley
Lori

Thanks first to all who read my post and thanks especially...

Schtoobing's Mom (Diane)

First, I very much appreciate your kind words. And second I appreciate you taking the time to post a reply.

Diane, I went and read the story of your sweet Schtoobing. I very much enjoyed hearing how he got his name and that you had several nicknames for him. I did the same with my Ashley. (I even had little songs for her with her various nicknames.) Anyway, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know from my experience that nothing I say will take away your pain, but I do know that at least for me, it was nice to hear that people were taking time to read and share in my grief and I am doing that with you. I do hope that you won't let the "stigma" associated with being labeled depressed prevent you from seeking care if you need it. I feared that label, but ultimately it saved my life and encouraged me. Thank you for sharing your story with us as well and I will continue to keep you in my heart and thoughts.
_________

Asharine (Tina's Mom)

I also want to thank you for responding to my long post and for your words. It made me feel good to think that something I shared encouraged you and affected you in a positive way. I appreciate at this time of your worry and fears over Tina that you took time to read my post and share your kindness with me. As I shared with Schtoobing's Mom, I will keep you in my thoughts and I hope that you will reach out if you need to when that final day comes for your baby (though I hope that that day is far far away.) (I couldn't find your entry regarding finding out about the diagnosis of cancer for your sweet baby.) There is certainly no shame in needing others in my opinion and actually my grief made me realize how much I need and want and value others love and friendship and sharing.
___________

Moose' Mom,

I am probably sounding redundant here, but I do hope that as with the above responders you will feel my sincerity when I say I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my long post. I read your story of Moustache and I love the feeling you shared of instant love when you saw his little face. I also enjoyed hearing that your sick kitty got a life he never would have in most homes but for your love and kindness. What a lucky cat!

And Butch, wow, 22 years! I envy that. I know each of us on this board wishes we could have just a minute more with our babies. (But it is never enough is it?!)

I guess it isn't strange how death, makes us think about and ponder on our own mortality. But I do know for me, I am grateful that I, like you, tried to make something good come from the death of such a wonderful being in my life so that it would reflect how important she was in my life.

I will keep you and your sweet Moustache in my heart too (but glad to hear of your new furball.)


Thanks again to all, especially at this difficult holiday time.

- Carol

Drar Princess Precious mom,

I too was a Bichon mom. I lost my Raggs(put to sleep) July 5th 2006. will soon be 6 months. I too questioned myself about if it was the right time and if I should have just waited until he died on his own, but like you I do know it was the right thing at the time. He was 15yrs 7mos. He was blind and had joint problems which made it hard for him to walk. He had battled Conjestive Heart Failure, Thyroid Cancer, Bladder Stones both of which he had surgery (starting at age 10) he was a tough little dog. people look at bichons as a lot of fluff but they are sturdy little dogs. Raggs became incontinent last months of his life and there were puppy pads all around and me with the mop. I catch myself every night getting ready to put the pads down and I would gladly do it again to have him back. I took raggs to the groomer(something he always hated) untill the last year of his life and I bought some clippers and did not read the directions and the first swipe I made I shaved right down to the skin so there was nothing else to do but cut him that short all over, needless to say that haircut lasted all summer.His skin was spotted so he looked like a chinese crested. He hated his feet touched and yelled like a kid when he went to the vet if they touched him. After his bladder surgery I had to give him injectable antibiotics(Iam a RN) and it upset me so because he screamed I finally had to take him daily to the vet for them.
Well I have gone on and on but I thought I would let you know I was also a bichon owner. I met another person on this site and we have been e-mailing and she has just adopted a new bichon and is so happy. I have not decided to do it yet but it will be a Bichon if I do. Joanne(Raggs Mom)

Dear Joanne,

I am so sorry that you have lost your precious Raggs. Looking at his picture - wow, he looked so much like Ashley did. I have noticed that not all Bichons look alike, but there seems to be several types of looks for them. And Raggs and Ashley looked quite similar. Only Ashley had shorter legs and was fatter towards the end of her life. Thank you for sharing his pictures. It is almost like looking at my own baby.

I agree with what you said about Bichons being sturdy dogs. They look all "foo-foo" but they certainly are not. I often felt sorry for Ashley, because she was supposed to have this reputation for being all fluff and supposed to be kept all pretty and groomed, but we are very active outdoorsy kind of people and of course our dogs were going to be with us all the time. Hence she had to have her summer hair-do to keep all that fur from getting matted as she enjoyed the outdoors with us! (She did eventually get used to (and liked) her summer shave down.)

Your story about Raggs and the vet made me laugh (with Raggs crying like a baby when his feet were handled). Ashley was the same and had to be muzzled when they would cut her toenails 'cause she cried and tried to bite them!

Oh man... like you I would be so willing to put up with the accidents to have my baby back. I would be willing to have the trouble of crushing pills and putting them down her throat, whatever, just to have her back. But there it is, what kind of life is it for them when they can't eat, can't hear or see or have pain, are incontinent, must have pills forced down the throat and generally are old and in such poor health? I can't think it would be a very good life. Yet, it is so hard even knowing that it is the best thing, to let them go. In your case, it sounds like you did everything you could for your sweet baby and that it was indeed time. He had battled quite a lot in his life and I suspect he lived as long as he did thanks to your excellent care.

Well, thank you for sharing your story with me and for reading my story as well. Best of luck to you and I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that you have peace.

PrincessPrecious'Mom (Carol)

Thanks for your response Carol. You are right about the Bichon's you can tell they are Bichons but they do have different expressions on their faces. Some almost have a grumpy look. Do you have other dogs? I do not for now I have a new grand puppy a blond ##er spaniel so I am getting my doggie fix
Joanne

Hi Carol

I am glad that you are doing better and able to cope now.

I returned to the forum because I had to say good bye to my other poodle 9 days ago on December 13th and am very sad tonight. I had him for 13 1/2 years. (Toffee was my white toy poodle that passed away in September 2005)

I have dreaded the day that Coco and I would part and prayed that he would not suffer and I would be able to cope and not completely fall apart again. .........My prayers were answered. ( A DOUBLE-rainbow arch appeared completely over the vet office while we were in the parking lot waiting for them to open. I felt very comforted and protected.)

I won't go in to detail... it is hard to think about still. I miss my sweet Coco-bean - words cannot express. I still feel comforted but I miss him so. I had him cremated and have slept almost every night with his ashes in an urn by my pillow.... in the spot where he use to sleep. That wonderful soul that just sat there all day and loved me. I can't believe he is gone.

I think I will feel connected to him again soon, as I do now with Toffee, but it may take some time.

God bless! Merry Christmas. I'm glad you are ok.

Angelbaby,
My goodness what precious poodles. I am so sorry for your loss of Coco and Toffee too. I enjoy so much seeing everyone's furbabies. They both were so cute. I know your pain is so fresh but familiar too as it was only a little over a year that you lost Toffee. As you know only times heals the fresh wounds and we know they are together again. I bet they were cute playing together and just being best buds.
May you all from this forum have Peace in your hearts as I am sure it is hard to fill the void of our love ones gone, but we have to keep going.
Joanne(Raggs Mom)
The attached picture is of my Raggs (Bichon) and the neighbors dog Chip who lived to 17yrs old and died about 4yrs ago. They were best budies

Princess Precious Mom

Thank-you for writing so many of the things I too would like to write about my Moyia. I'm at the 11-month/yesterday stage. I really need to do the "I miss you" thing. And today I'm home and really lonely for my Moyia.
Velma (Moyia's Mom)