Yesterday was a really tough day for me. I decorated (mostly) the trio of miniature artificial trees we bought for this terrible 'first' Christmas w/o Nissa...couldn't bring myself to do our usual artificial tree, but I did want something to hang things on.

On the smallest one which sits behind an "angel" picture frame with one of her pics in it, I hung a new ornament that says, "I'm with you because you remember me" at the top. Below this is one of those 'talking' ornaments, on which we'll record a few seconds of the 'Nissa-talk' we'd recorded over the last few years (not nearly enough as I'd imagined, it turns out). Then, one on each side, I've got the 2 "In Memory of..." glass ornaments I had done up for Nissa and Sabin, with their dates. I have yet to choose and add a few fav*ourite toys to this tree, too.

The 2nd tree has 2 other new glass ornaments: another "In Memory of..." one with BOTH of their names and final years, and a glass picture frame saying, "Our Beloved Kidlets" beneath the pic (which we haven't made up yet), plus all of our glass angel ornaments. Underneath this tree I've placed their honeysuckle logs. I may also string some of their fav*ourite curly-ribbon to act as a garland.

The 3rd tree has my "In Memory of..." ornaments for my Mum and brother, plus 2 butterfly ornaments I bought this year as well....I'd been thinking of the butterfly I believe Nissa sent us (and the communicator mentioned), so bought one for her and one for Sabin, who'd also sent us one, hovering over his grave the day we buried him.

We'd also purchased 2 electronic picture frames, for ourselves and for my H's parents, so yesterday we started scanning photos of (mainly) the 'kids' in to be displayed as a slide-show...still have many more to go yet. It was very difficult looking through, and choosing which ones to include so far, as to me, they're ALL completely precious....even the blurry ones. I had to take dozens of breaks, to run from the pain. My H kept saying, "Yah, I know....I miss her, too...." And although this was a comforting thing, I still wanted to scream, "MISS her?!?!?! I can't even breath, my Life and Darling Girl, my Soul Partner, is just GONE, and so is one of the best parts of ME!!! Missing her doesn't even come CLOSE!!" After a few hours of this, I felt raw and totally depleted, seeing my life with our kidlets through the years, feeling the regrets and emptiness w/o them here now, and even knowing that there are so few people with whom we might even share these memories with. I felt so utterly ALONE after all this, and have only more of the same to 'look forward' to as I try to complete these plans for this, and the coming years....it all looks so bleak right now.

While I remember quite clearly how horrible I felt the first Christmas after Sabin 'left', and how that got a t*itch better each year after the first 2 w/o him, it was really mainly because I'd always be thinking, "Thank GOD we still have our Little Nis' here with us yet, otherwise I don't know WHAT I'd do!", followed always by the knowledge that one terrible day, she wouldn't be here, either, and then....????

So now here I am, at that frightening and surreal point in time, and NOT knowing what to do with myself most of the time. These decorations, although planned to help me find a smidgeon of solace somehow, are also making me feel sick inside. How can this BE?.....BOTH of our kids gone! NEITHER ONE left to sit with in the coziness of the season!

Light a fire in the fireplace this year? Not likely....Nissa had come, in the last 2 years, finally, to really enjoy the additional warmth, rather than letting her fears of fire rule the day. I saw the old pictures of me holding her and her brother in front of the fireplace each year, always with her looking panicked, wanting to get a safer distance from those scary flames. The pics had to be taken FAST! Then, the last 2 years'....me and her sprawled out together, snoozing and kissing, as close as she could get w/o laying right on the hearth...her poor kidneys failing, making her so chilly all the time. We finally got that cozy picture...but only because she was slowly failing. How's that for irony, and a bittersweet memory?

I honestly don't know how to get through this with any semblance of sanity or heart left. Or what it's really going to be like next year, or the year after, or the year after that. I've been through losses, some of them quite horrid, but THIS??? THIS seems like the end of everything good and loving and fulfilling. Even if it isn't, even if there's more to come that's good, it just doesn't FEEL like it. That big day is too-rapidly approaching, and I wish I could just run far, far away. This is MY 'scary flame'.

I had a pretty tough day yesterday too. I had pulled out the box of christmas decorations, and barely went through them when I lost it. I hadn't even seen Homer's little stocking in there, but I knew it was. I put the box away and decided to try again today. I wasn't even going to decorate, but I know how much my other cat Baby loves to sit under the tree. Its technically my 2nd Christmas without Homer, as we said goodbye to him last Christmas eve. I know I will probably be looking on this site for support all month. My boyfriend says the same things as your H. I know he lost Homer too, but I agree that missing them is just a fraction of how to explain the feelings of loss. Im sure he doesn't know that I talk to Homer daily, and cry just about every night.
So in other words I know how youre feeling, and hopefully with the help of this site, we can get through these holidays.
Leigh-ann

Thank you for sharing your memories with all of us.It touched my heart to know that there are so many others who are hurting just as I am right now.I am trying so hard to be upbeat and positive because it's christmas and that was always my favorite time of year but it's hard knowing that we have to celebrate without our boy Sox.He was such a big part of our lives and his passing has left a huge void in our hearts and in our lives.We have started to let our outdoor kitty Miss Mini sleep inside at night because it's gotten cold (even here in Florida it gets cold sometimes at night) and it's nice to have a kitty to snuggle with but it is just not the same as snuggling with my baby boy.One Dec. 13th it will be 2 months since we lost him but that doesn't seem possible.It seems like forever since I've held him and loved on him like I did for so many years.He is sooo missed.Whe I got him as a small kitten some 16 years ago I had no idea what an impact he would have on my life and now that he is gone it has really hit me hard.I still think of him daily and wish that there had been some way to make him better so that he would still be here with me.I feel guilt because I didn't notice the signs of feline diabetes sooner or maybe things would have turned out different....I know,I know I did everything I possibly could for him but it still doesn't make the pain go away.I hope all of you are doing better today and I hope we can continue to help each other thur the holiday season.We have got to remember that our loved kitties ar in heaven just waiting for us to get there so we can be reunited with them.That will be such a glorious day! I pray that there are animals in heaven and if not then I don't really want to go there because it won't be heaven without them.I will continue to pray for each and every one of you and I hope you will do the same for me.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

Yep...everthing I do seems to have a Christnas memory that is associated with Chase, One thing I have taken for granted with my pets is how integrated they are in my life. Christmas has now changed forever without her. I found a little stocking in a box we used to hang for her and the pain was beyond intense after finding it. I don't want to ruin other peoples Christmas by bothering them with my saddness (god forbid I should do that) so sometimes I must "pin" on a smile and move forward knowing that the only divine intervention in life seems to be death. Do I sound a little sarcastic today?..well...maybe a little...

Leigh-ann,

My H does know that I do this, and while he doesn't interrupt my expressions of sorrow, and does often make an effort to comfort me in some small way, he isn't able to join me in sadness, either...which makes me feel that much more alone, as if I'd been the only one to love Nissa to pieces. No matter how many times I tell my head that we're different people and that my relationship with both of our kids was so much bigger and more involved than his with them, I can't seem to convince myself that this is right. Despite the differences, he was still their Daddy, and normally acted as such, so I just don't get it. How could he NOT be about as sad as me??? He just accepts death, no matter who it's about....but I don't get that, either, deep down inside. He's just TOO 'accepting', if you know what I mean.

Renee,

I agree and would even go one step further...if there weren't animals in the afterlife, I'd be saying there really IS a Hell even worse than the one we already have here on earth! Consider yourself prayed for by me, because I'm holding your heart in thoughts of peace and moments of some blessed relief. I think we'll ALL need extra love and support all through this season, and even beyond.

John,

I simply have to say it....I wish I could hear your words coming out of my H's mouth! It always warms the coc*kles of my heart to hear men speak of their animal loves the way some of you do. Bless your heart for actively proclaiming, at least here, your deep devotion to your furries! You sure wouldn't have to "pin on a smile" for MY sake, were we in the same household! I'd welcome the company in misery.

Frankly, I love sarcasm, as it's so to-the-heart-of-the-matter, and one can wryly chuckle right alongside the pain, which I find actually eases the pain a little. So go right ahead and indulge if you like!
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Last night, we were back at scanning more photos into the 'puter (also realized that it's gonna take HOURS and HOURS to scan ALL of them in for strictly our use, to make that slideshow of our kids' lives) and it was like taking a walk through our lives together. So bittersweet, I wanted to die. I did manage to laugh a bit with certain pics of so-fond memories, but when we got to my last roll of photos...naturally, I relived Nissa's death all over again...sitting there crying beside my H, who blankly stared at the computer screen, saying nothing, showing no emotion whatsoever. THIS is why I need my girl, and even my guy...they were like ME, and I like them, in matters of the heart. In fact, earlier that evening, as we were trying to take pics of my memorial ornaments to include with my H's parents' gifts, with our new digital camera (MORE irony, being able to get one NOW, when it's too late), I was getting cranky because it was taking far too long to get things right and this was NOT a subject I wanted to be taking pics of anyway. I normally almost exclusively took pics of Nissa in the last 6.5 years, so this was not only foreign, but way too sad. My H got cranky back, remarking that "This is supposed to be FUN!" My knees almost buckled, I was so aghast and disgusted by this comment! I know he was referring to the new camera, but come ON!....how can taking photos of one's beloveds' memorial ornaments possibly be anything like fun?!?!?! (could've used some real good sarcasm at THAT point!)

So this is really bothering me. If I'm the only one grieving HARD, and openly, so there's no mistaking it for anything else, why am I expected to be the one who's understanding and sensitive to others' needs? Huh?

And as if this wasn't all hard enough...I just realized the other day that it's almost Christmas already (my time sense is outta commission lately) and not one friend has even bothered to send us a Christmas card, one that maybe speaks of them knowing how hard this year will be for me or us? This is something I made SURE I did for all family and friends who'd suffered a loss any given year...just so they'd know they weren't being forgotten or avoided because they were in mourning. Do ya think anyone remembered ME, this time 'round?? No. We got a card addressed to our "Family"...from the car dealership, breaking my heart because we HAVE no more 'family' per se. And one from a cousin, addressed to us and our "kitties"...guess they forgot we only had one left anyway. And the annual 'cheery' holiday letter from one Aunt who'd derided my grief over Nissa, last we spoke, w/o any accompanying card at all. That's it. And still no word from that woman who'd sent me that 'miracle' email forward. So they've all alienated themselves from my world, by their own doing, at a time when I need as many understanding bodies as possible around me! I wish the world had only animal lovers and a BILLION animals, and nobody else.

Thank GOD for you guys! I don't know WHAT I'd do without you! (and thanks for listening, again!)

What you said was very kind when you quoted me. It reminded me of something my wife said. I was the first man she ever met that did not try to "fix her". I tried to get her to enlighten me on what "fixing" another human bieng could possibly mean but at times she did loose me in the explanation (remember I am a man you have to keep it simple). I do know that when my wife cries , I cry with her. I have always been like that. It will never change, I do not have the power to change it.

I think people are afraid of that emotion on people like us. They can sense the depth and intensity of it maybe. They distance themselves from us in an atempt to "fix" as my wife puts it and all the while not really connectng with that person on an emotional level. I believe without this kind of interaction, bonds with humans who shun that sort of connection cannot be strenghtened. Ever cried on your cat before? It's wonderful!!!! Cats are great to cry on. You can get them sopping wet, they don't mind... and they just purr and rub their heads on your head. You can tell them any secret about anything or anybody and they will just listen rub their heads on yours and purr. What could be better. No fixing involved!!! I believe this is one of the reasons that people with strong emotional feelings bond easily with animals.....and not so easy with some humans...

Okay, John, you got me chuckling...with one of those sweet memories. Nissa would cry with me, too...but she expressed it in her own Nissa-way: by kissing the stuffin' outta me! I wasn't allowed, really, to get her all "sopping wet", as she hated having her purrfect fur all mussed up! And she hated being wet, too...damp, from a good grooming, okay, but not wet.

But yes, I agree with your reasoning about all the ways people try to 'fix' our grief...none of them helpful at all! My H HAS learned, in some ways, to not even try to 'go there' with 'fixing' anything in me. Unfortunately, this has left him w/o any perceivable (to him) other options to be there for me...hence his silence. I have to spell it out for him, each and every time, which gets rather annoying after awhile. I just don't have that kind of energy right now. Some real molly-coddling would be really nice, w/o having to ask for it, OR explain exactly what that looks like to me...another thing I've done repeatedly, but it really doesn't doesn't feel the same as when it comes spontaneously from the other person. I DO try to "keep it simple" alot of the time, but if my H doesn't quite get it the first time, paradoxically, this means....a more involved explanation!

Your wife and you must make for really good partners, emotionally, and that's so heartwarming. It must feel so good to be able to lean on each other this way and know that you've got each other's complete empathy. You're one of that rare 'breed' of men who seems to know/feel how many of us women do (that's a compliment, btw) and your wife is so fortunate to have you.

As for others avoiding we, the intensely feeling types, I know that's true, too....but I still rail against it because it was exactly due to my emotionality (and hence, greater empathy) that these same people found 'safe harbour' with me during their own pain...so it's just not fair that I be denied the same, or at least similar, back. Also, it's not like I haven't also been able to still laugh and have some good times with them since Nissa's crossing, so I figure I shouldn't be seen as THAT 'scary'! It's funny....we humans normally try our very best to avoid pain, at all costs, and w/o considering how high those costs might actually turn out to BE...yet I don't usually go this route, despite being extra-sensitive to ALL feelings. In fact, I think the only time I've done this, though not really voluntarily, WAS with Nissa's death...when I went so frozen for the first couple of months as a matter of subconscious self-protection. And now...I'm suffering more like it only happened 2 months ago, and not the almost 4 that it is - it'll be 4 months on the day before Christmas Eve. Not looking forward to that.