Forgive the rambling -- I'm so sorry, I'm sure the following will be full of typos etc.
I'm not usually so stupid -- I'm just going to try to let my feelings pour out.

I just lost my beautiful traditional cream point Himalayan, Little Girl, kitty on Tues, Nov 21 after a long summer of trying to find out what wrong with her. Finally she was diagnosed with diabetes, then I think kidney failure. We put her down on Tuesday -- I dropped her off Monday night, she was sick but not THAT bad. Tues, she was horribly worse.

I don't know where to begin so I think I'll just copy and paste the email I sent a friend this AM, edited to protect vet's names and profanity removed.

I know I didn't lose a person -- I hurt so badly I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE what you went through/continue to go thru over losing your sister and your friends. I'm NOT SAYING my loss over Little Girl is equal to that of your loss -- but having nothing to compare it to -- for which I know I'm lucky, but I don't feel lucky right now -- all I know is how destroyed I am.

I'm sorry I haven't answered, but I have got your messages and they've helped.
I don't usually answer the phone as I'm always crying.
Always crying and at some point I HAVE TO GET IT TOGETHER and be Mommy for my daughter!!!

I can't get over this.
I miss her so much, I'm crying all the time.
There is so much pain, I miss her so much.
I walk back and forth all day from the computer -- as if I can find her there, emailing breeders, looking at her pictures, posting about her. (Breeders -- I emailed with pictures of her, needing to know what she was: A "traditional" aka non-show/Extreme face BLUE CREAM point himalayan. Also to see if any of them could have been her breeder -- still awaiting reply back from one who's been breeding since 86).

I walk back and forth to her grave; call down to her; worry obsessively WHAT IF SHE WASN'T DEAD when we burried her??? They had to give her FOUR doses of the Death Medicine-- FOUR! Why didn't they just use alot and get it OVER WITH??? It took her over 10 mins to die -- each time the doc said, "She's deep asleep, can't feel." WHAT IF SHE WAS ONLY ASLEEP WHEN I BURIED HER?

THIS SCARES ME TO EVEN ADMIT but -- I feel like I have to dig her up to BE SURE she didnt' wake up down there alone! I have to be sure the box we buried her in has no SCRATCH MARKS. I buried her two hours after they pronounced her dead -- why didn't I wait until the next day to be sure??

It's crazy.
Please don't let me dig her up.
This is so insane sounding it scares me (at least I'm sane enough to see this.)

Does grief make you crazy for a while?

I smell her bed: it has a mediciney smell,
I've been all over the house looking for her fur -- I save some in a box, go looking for more. I can't wash the sweatshirt I wore when I last held her.

I can't find her anywhere!

I can't get over this.
I think I would have been fired if this didn't happen this week -- I'm hoping I'll be okay to go in on Monday. Who at work can believe how much I'm destroyed over my kitty?

I miss her so badly.
Had to leave t-giving dinnner at my Mom's for a while -- then came back and cried and yelled--I'm really having difficulties with the hospital. Some may be natural grief/anger stuff, but there may come a time when I need them to sit down with (veterinarians) Dr. A and Dr. B and have them explain EVERYTHING to me. In my heart I KNOW things were handled wrong. So many things. God stop me from going in there and losing it on them. She never did get her body temperature up after that bath. Why did they bathe my dying angel? She should have been tested for diabetes LONG AGO and then not have waited WEEKS before starting her insulin once she tested postive -- EVEN I KNEW this, but I trusted them. THINGS WERE HANDLED WRONG and my baby paid the price.

This AM I made a record of all her vet appointments.
As if that will bring her back.
She had SO MANY steriod injections for dermatisis -- more than I thought!
Why didn't they look over her records and say "Too risky!"
(Steroids can cause diabetes in cats.)

I can't even talk to [one of my best friends] because she worships one of those veterinarians -- they are friends. I HATE THAT POMPOUS, ARROGANT vet she loves. She calls him "a big marshmallow" -- I CALL HIM A KILLER. Told me to stop the insulin and went on his merry way over the weekend. WHY NOT ADMIT HER TO HOSP THEN? My diabetic baby went three days without insulin because he told me to stop it. I DON'T THINK A DIABETIC SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS! "IF she was my cat, I'd be force feeding her," he says. I didn't know how to DO THIS! Why didn't he tell me??!?!?!

The other vet who treated her intially was gone all week.
The two were NOT comparing notes I know it -- not they way they should have!

I miss her and my heart breaks and I JUST WANT HER BACK!

What do I do?
How do I get over my baby?
How can I keep her without ever seeing her again?

I was grateful for her EVERY DAY.
She got so sick back in June of 2005 -- I had only had her a month or so. Thought she was dying.
When she lived, I think my love for her turned into something stronger after nearly loosing her.
I don't know why I love her so much -- you shouldn't question love, tho, you shouldn't.
But it was like she was custom created for me: appearance-wise, she sent me reeling. I'm NO ARTIST, but she inspired me to draw so many pics of her. Temperment wise she was the sweetest animal I've ever known.

help
This is the first time I've lost anyone I cared about -- Grandparents, but they were ill for some time.
Lucky, yes, underneath, I see that.
I don't know what to do.

sorry for typos/spelling -- it's just pouring out.
Thank you for listening.
I'm sorry.
You're the only one I know who knows about loss.

I'm sorry, it's so rambly.
That part about digging her up SCARES ME!
What is wrong with me???
I can't accept this and I can't get over it.

Dear KimL:

I truly understand all that you are going thru. You are in the grieving process and all that you are feeling is quite normal. There are different stages and we must go thru them all (as painful as it may be) in order to get to the healing stage. There is Denial where you tell yourself "this can not be happening, it's a bad dream, it can't be real". The comes Anger (at yourself and others). You think they should have done this, that or the other and it would not have happened. THEN comes the big one - GUILT. You tell yourself it is all your own fault. If you had known your baby was so sick you would have got another opinion, or you would have handled it differently. When you reach the final stage of Acceptance, you will know that you did the best you knew how for your furbaby and so did everyone else. You will cherish every minute of time you had with your baby and remember all the good times.

Don't let anybody tell you that losing a pet is or should be any less painful than losing a person. In many ways it is far worse. Our pets depend solely upon us for everything. WE are their whole world. They live to love and please us. How many people can you say that about?

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.

KimL,

I know exactly how you are feeling..........I just lost my precious 7 yr. old guinea piggie, Oreo, on Oct. 13, and in 2001, I lost my precious 10 yr. old bunny, Baby........................

With Baby, I TOO, obsessively worried that he had not yet been really dead when we buried him.........I TOO, felt the urge to "check" just like you..........I think it was because although he passed away on our couch, with me right there lovingly comforting him, my mother would not allow me to see him or touch him when his body started to "go into the after death process" so in my mind, i was afraid his heart was still beating when we buried him...........;'( also, i think it was me expressing denial too..................

I have not been able to wash the sweatshirt I was wearing when I held my baby girl on Oct. 13, as she went to heaven, either............I know maybe this sounds unhygienic, but I don't know if I ever will...............;'( ;'( ;'(

"How can I keep her without ever seeing her again?" - I feel exactly the same ;'(

"I can't find her anywhere!" - I feel this too!!!!! ;'(

Just wanted to tell you I feel as you do...........grief does make us crazy, and i've found, grieving is UNIQUE for EACH ONE of our babies, or at least mine is...........

Missing and Loving My Sweetheart Unbearingly.........
Oreos (andBabys) Mama

KimL,
In my opinion, yes, grief does make you somewhat crazy for awhile, at times. But of course, crazy is different things to different people. What I hear you expressing is extreme grief, with all the stages which ShermansMom described. More people than you'd expect go through this pain - although at first you might think otherwise. The shock, the pain, the anger, the denial - all these extreme emotions fly around in your mind and really make you think you're losing it. I've checked on my dead pets before taking them to the crematorium, thinking that somehow I'd been mistaken; I've kept every piece of clothing I ever wore when they left, and haven't been able to wear them again; I've beaten myself up with anger and guilt over what happened and why; I've blamed other people to the point of detesting them forever for their parts in one of my losses (and it's family, too, so it's very awkward.) You aren't going crazy - you're experiencing grief, and that's to be expected when you create such a deep bond with another being, who is suddenly gone.

If it would help you, I'd suggest you do talk to one of the vets about your Little Girl and what happened, and maybe get an idea of a rationale for her treatment. In my experience, and maybe I've just been fortunate, most of my vets have always been upfront and honest with me about what happened when one of my ill animals passed. It doesn't make it easier, though, and whether it's intentional or not, I usually can't bring myself to go back with any other animals to that vet. But if there are questions that you need answered, most vets will talk to you, I believe, but you may or may not get the satisfaction or comfort you need.

There are no easy words to help you get over this agony. There is no timetable and no rules for how to deal with a pain like this. There are no comparisons to be made. This is something that will be different for each of us who go through this. It's never easy, and it shouldn't be, or it would devalue the meaning of the life that has left this world and gone to the next.

Sharing your pain, as simple as it sounds, does offer a measure of comfort for most people. It won't fix everything and doesn't bring your Little Girl back, but as I said earlier, there are more people who understand your feelings than you'd expect. We all have those out-of-control, "I can't go through this" thoughts - and those can be really scary. At least, they were for me, but then I'm a control freak and it frightens me to not be able to fix things and make my pets come back, crazy as that sounds.

You have my deepest sympathy on the loss of your beautiful Little Girl, and I'm so sorry for your pain. Please come back and let us know how you're doing - there are so many people here who come here to share their wisdom and compassion and are willing to help you through this horrible time. Please take care - Barbara

Kim,first I want to say how sorry I am that you lost your sweet baby girl.I kinda know what your going thur because I too had a kitty named Sox that was diagnosed with feline diabetes back in early Sept.He also had kidney failure and we had to put him to sleep on Oct.13th.It broke me up so bad I didn't know how I was going to be able to go on living.I understand how you feel about the vet and I believe you have every right to feel that way.Maybe in a few weeks when the grief isn't so bad you can go back in there and talk to them but I don't think I would go now if I were you.You are just too upset to talk with them.When you said that you wanted to dig her up to see if she was really dead well,I went thur that too.We brought our boy home and buried him in our backyard garden and the next day I had the urge to go out there and dig him up to make sure he was really dead....it's okay,it's normal and it's the first stage of grieving.It's hard for me some days and it's been over a month and I still miss him so much.Just tonight when my husband got home he said you look sad,what's wrong,and I just busted out crying like he just passed away today......it's sooooooooo hard to bear the pain of losing a loved one.I don't think it's any different from losing a person that you love.Love is love pure and simple.It's alright if people don't understand what your going thur,we do here and we know how hard it is to move on after losing your baby.Give yourself some time and feel free to come here as often as you need to.I understand your pain and I hope I can help you get thur this awful stage.Time does help make the pain fade somewhat but as far as it going away I don't see that happening anytime soon.It's just part of life.We agree to go thur it when we take a beloved pet into our lives and I believe it's worth the pain.Try to remember that you did everything you possibly could for her and she is no longer in pain,she's not suffering,and you will see her again one day when it is your time to pass on.Please let me know how your doing and if you need someone to talk to feel free to send me a private message and I will get right back to you.I will pray for you tonight and I hope you will soon find some peace.I care and so do many others here.We know your pain because we've been right were you are now.Take care of yourself.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

Thank you to everyone for your replies -- I'm relieved to know what I'm feeling is likely normal. Four days later and I'm still thinking awful thoughts about air pockets and could she still be alive, but it's lessening, thank God.

I have the sweatshirt I wore when I last held her too, unwashed: we were in the vet's exam room and she kept burying her head under my arm, trying to hide. I also have the sweater I wore as she died.

I miss her so much.

It's hard to understand why God would take her from me -- but then I've seen some wonderful folks die of cancer this year and know better than really question why God takes people even if it leaves so much pain behind.

I do know I loved her every day. She absolutely delighted me -- I was sometimes even awestruck by her beauty and sweetness. This kitty purred when she was scared -- very submissive, never scratched out once.
I keep thinking how will I ever find another like her.

Already I'm looking at other Himalayans -- is this horrible?
I feel I must have something white and fluffy with blue eyes to love -- I even found a litter of cream-point traditional kittens -- a little female I'm thinking of purchasing. She would not be ready to come to me until just before Christmas -- I'm thinking I might be ready then.

I told my angel "Oh, please, it's not that I've stopped loving you! It's just you left such a hole when you love and I must try to fill it with something like you and nothing else will ever come close -- but I know this isn't you and you will ALWAYS have a huge, separate place in my heart ,my darling."

Little Girl taught me so much; gave me so much.
I've suffered on and off from anxiety the past 3 years -- in August I had a horrible panic attack that left me rather reeling for weeks. Little Girl cleared that all up for me these past few weeks -- as I thought of nothing but making her well, I was able to move past the obsessive thoughts that anxiety tormented me with.

And she gave me the gift of being able to cry -- I've cried very little the past year; even when I wanted to as tears can also provide a much needed release. Now I can't stop crying.

My angel healed me even as she couldn't heal herself.

And she gave me the give of pure, delighted, awestruck love.
Loving pets -- it's just DIFFERENT from the way we love people.
I used to say to her "I love you ... and I just love you!"
Because there was just so much love, just so much.

My angel, my sweet thunky snow-bear -- I miss you and I just miss you so MUCH!

KimL
The grief, pain and guilt made me feel crazy for several weeks. Even now I keep thinking 'what if', and "maybe I should ... '. It's a way of dealing with the loss, and the pain. It doesn't seem real. What the others have posted is so true and insightful. We love our fur babies so much, and they loved us so completely, without hesitation or conditions. So, it is he** to live with the pain. Your fears, your wanting to dig her up, is normal. But know in your heart that she is okay, she is at peace, she isn't suffering down there. You did everything you could with the information you had. Your baby loves you for trying to save her. She will always be your baby. The pain, crying, and crazy feelings come and go. She would want to comfort you and tell you how much she loves you for everything you've done for her, for being part of her life. She wouldn't want you to blame yourself about what was done, said, or not done right. She just loves you unconditionally.

KimL,
You asked whether it was horrible to even think of bringing a new kitten home. I know people can have strong feelings either way, but I always found it was a wonderful tribute to the love you shared with your beloved one who's moved on. Since you wouldn't be getting the kitten till Christmas time, it will give you time to grieve and work through some of the issues we all have when we lose a pet. Not everything will be resolved - try not to expect that - but every little bit helps. If you're going through a breeder, try to let him/her know what's happened, if only to find out if there are any hereditary health problems you need to know about.

I think this year, of all years, we've all had moments of wondering why God would take those that we love so much. My personal belief is that God opens up opportunities to us with each loss - whether it's an opportunity to take in another pet, or to share your story, or to eventually give you the gift of being able to one day comfort someone you see in pain. Going through a loss like this can change a person so much, more and more as you go through it, in ways you never recognize sometimes.

I also firmly believe that our departed ones know, in a way we can never really comprehend maybe, that our love for them is never-ending, and we can never replace them. There's just something about having a cat around, or a dog, or a bunny or hamster, that makes us more aware of our world, and the unending-ness of love and devotion. It's a lesson that a lot of people never learn, and in my view, that impoverishes their lives, not to be able to feel that love and devotion and sense of sacrifice that we animal and pet lovers have by instinct.
As booboosmom said, that unconditional love is such a gift, and in our world, is increasingly rare - cherish it and be glad that you had that with Little Girl. She already knows.

Again, I extend my deepest sympathy. Please come back and let us know how you're doing. Take care - Barbara

KimL, I am sorry to hear of your loss, my thoughts and prayers are with you. You asked if it was horrible to think of a new kitty. No it isn't, but the time must be right. When I lost Tigerpaws, I knew there would be another cat in our lives. I also know that when it was to be that a kitty would come to me, and it happened. Yes, I miss my Tiger immensely, she was our baby for 18 years, but Lily came to me when it was the right time, she was a foundling, only 4 weeks old and she is now part of our lives. I know this sounds cliche, but it is so true


"..there will be an answer, let it be."


Be Well,

Mark

I just dropped off my biohazard box with only four needles -- four insulin injections only before hope gave out. (She was diagnosed with diabetes about three weeks before she died.) I had to get that box out of here as I kept looking at those four needles that hurt her, maybe had her blood on them. I also picked up her last bill -- with "euthanasia" at the very bottom. There is a little black dot on this bill, before her name that wasn't there before -- must be the vet's code for dead.
I keep staring at this billl thinking THIS CANNOT BE! My Little Girl cannot POSSIBLY have been put to sleep! That's profane -- NOT MY LITTLE GIRL.

Still, it's done -- all bills are settled at the vets.
I had to do that -- harder than I thought at the beginning -- I couldn't breathe as I pulled into the parking lot.

I also brought back my mostly unused box of syringes -- they didn't think they could credit me. I don't care -- don't think I'll bring any animals to them again.
I told them -- "I don't want the $$$ -- please give them to a family with a diabetic pet."

I hope they do that.

I made my husband say to me "Little Girl died."
I still can't believe it.

I made a calander of her vet visits, logged every med they gave her, ever stinkin' steroid injection that might have caused her illness.
Why didn't anyone look at her records and say "WHOA! That's too many steriods!"
As if this could bring her back -- finding a mistake somewhere.

I miss my angel completely.
Still can't believe there isn't some way to have her back.

KimL,
That was one of the things that really got me when I was going through - still going through - all this. It takes awhile to believe that this loved one is really gone, and that nothing you can do can bring her back. It's that loss of control, and the realization that if you have this little control over a member of your family, which your pet is, you really have no control over anything in your life. That bugged me and bugged me for so long. Like I said, I'm a control freak anyway, and the losses in my life were like a blow telling me that I have less control than I ever thought. Part of me knows that I need to know this, and another part of me says "I just want her - or him - back! What do I do to bring her/him back?" I'd have done anything, if I could, but of course there is nothing to do. And it brings it all back around full-circle. It's like a never-ending cycle, and starts the thoughts all over again. I guess it's a form of denial, I didn't think too much about it, I just wanted my cat back so I could fix it all and make it all the way it used to be. And I couldn't. And that hurt just so bad it's indescribable, except to other people who've been through it.

You mentioned in a previous post that you've had problems with anxiety for awhile. It's none of my business, of course, but if you're on medication or seeing someone therapeutically for your anxiety, you may need to take this loss into account with your history. It took me several months after I lost Magic to realize that my old problems with depression - which I'd been treated for before - needed to be addressed, and so I was started on anti-depressants. I can't tell if it helped or not, never will, since I had to discontinue them later, but if I hadn't been on medication when I lost Groucho during the summer, I don't know how I would have dealt with his loss. Medication doesn't fix everything, I know, and this not being any of my business, I can't do anything but tell you what I did. It may or may not be applicable, and this loss of Little Girl is so recent that really, you seem to me to be feeling everything that we all feel in the first part of the aftermath of a loss. Please don't misunderstand me, and I'm in no position to do anything but tell you what happened to me. That's how we all share our feelings about our grief, and really, that's helped me so much in the long run. I've always been incredibly grateful for this outlet.

I'm so sorry for your pain, and I know how heartbreaking it is to lose such a beloved member of your family. It can feel sometimes as if physically your heart actually is breaking, it's so unbelievable and painful and overwhelming to endure. But you know, Little Girl will always be with you, in your heart and will always be a part of your life no matter what happens. The physical loss of her presence in your life doesn't mean she's gone entirely, because you'll always carry a part of her in your life. And it sounds like a cliche, but she is at peace and you will be with her again one day, hopefully a long time from now. Sometimes, in the depths of your pain, you have to cling to something that will bring you comfort, and most of us here believe that these partings are temporary, and our pets will meet us again one day when it's our time. Please let us know how you're doing. We care, so you take care - Barbara