This is the first time I have ever posted on a message of any sort . I have expereinced pet loss several times in my life, but this one I would never have dramed could happen.

Has anyone out there ever experienced the horror of ending your cat's life due to severe behavioral problems? I have gone to the pet bereavement sites and cannot find anyone in my situation. Be warned his message is a little long/wordy. Sorry.

My sweet MoomBeam, 12 years old, used to urinate on carpeting wherever I lived. She did this for 10 years. But never on tiled or hardwood floors. I took her to vets but there was never a physical problem. I bought my current house parially because it has hard wood floors, assuring that MoonBeam would be happy here.

I had major spinal surgery and became bed and housebound in April of 2004. MoonBeam had me all to herself, lying on my bed with me for two years. The surgery was a failure, and I still don't have a social or professional life. I leave the house for groceries, medical appts., etc., but am definitely more mobile than I was those 1st two years.

MoonBeam gradually became more neurotic as I healed. She was always horrified of anyone coming in the house, would run and hide (cleaning lady, handymen, all noisy people with loud tools and "stuff" that scared her). I accepted her for who she was.

But then the urinating started in this house - a year ago - , when she would get mad at me (wanting attention I could not always give, at that exact moment). First the bathroom floor (where I stood for hair/make-up), repeatedly and routinely. A babygate went up. at the door. Then my home office where I sat at my computer. I had installed expensive carpeting in the office (hoping to return to my profession). A babygate went up at the office door entry. Then in the past two months, she started on the sunroom with parquet floors. She stopped using the cat box. The floor is destroyed. Then other places in the house when I wasn't looking.

My spine is completely fused and I move slowly. Bending over to clean up her puddles/poop was horrific. I began to cry each time I did it, knowing that I could not physically keep it up, and that MoonBeam was unhappy. Some days I was in too much pain to clean it up, and the smell and mess got worse. I can not "climb or step over" a baby gate, I have to take then completely down to go in/out of those rooms. I was slowly losing each room of my house to my cat.

The thought to end her life entered my head weeks ago. The thought horrifed me. I cried every day that I would even have such thoughts. I have heard of people that euthanize their pets because the pets were no longer "convenient". I looked down on and judged those people.

Then last week another surgery got scheduled for me: on my right hand. I knew I could not continue to clean up the daily mess, and there is no one in my life who loves cats and would do it for me during recovery.

So I ended my sweet MoonBeam's life. Yesterday. I was hysterical when I walked in the vet's office. I sobbed and wanted to be talked out of it. But I knew MoonBeam had crossed some sort of a line that MoonBeam or I could not undue. GIving Prozac was mentioned, but MoonBeam had become so skittish, she would never allow me to give her daily pills. I knew she would hide under the bed, and I am unable physically to reach her there.

MoonBeam's mood at the vet was her usual: sweet, purring, pleasant, and curious. Even tho' she was acting like a nutcase at home at times, she was always a delight at a vet's office. Every vet loved to work with her. She always let them do anything to her. Yesterday, she rubbed her face on everything, and her attention got caught by something moving outside thru the window. I felt I had betrayed her trust, and have never felt so lousy.

My grief is also fueled by anger at the female vet. She was a jerk. I made it clear I wanted the injection to be done thru the muscle in MoonBeam's stomach, not in a vein in any of her legs. I had this done with a former cat, and it does not hurt the cat. It just takes longer - 10 min. maybe - for sleep, then death. The vet rejected my wishes. Said it "takes longer". Takes longer for whom? For her? I wa not leaving MoonBeam alone so what difference should it make to the vet?

The vet hurt MoonBeam - twice. She could not get a vein in a front leg, so she went for a back leg and failed. MoonBeam cried. At the 2nd failure, the vet finally injected the stomach. I petted and talked to my baby until she fell asleep. The vet kept trying to get me to leave (I had stopped crying and was calm).

The atmosphere in that vet's office from the moment I walked in was: let's kill this cat quick, get the payment, and get this sobbing woman out of here. I asked for cremation, and she threw a notebook in front of me, and I had to make a decision, right then and there, while MoonBeam was on the table (before injection), what arrangements and urn I wanted, and pay for it right then (no credit card payment allowed). It was deplorable. I don't even know what I ordered I was so filled with grief.

I apologize that I'm rambling and I don't expect too many to read this. Maybe I just needed to write it down. I called the Pet Loss Hotline at Univ of FL and this a.m. talked to a counselor. I would recommend them. 1-352-392-4700, ext 4080.

I feel ashamed for what I did. I feel I must lie to friends/family if they ask where my baby MoonBeam is. No one in my circle understands or loves cats like I do. They are all dog people (which I am, too - MoonBeam's big brother was a yellow lab). I feel I let MoonBeam down by going to that woman to end her life, and that my wishes were not followed. I am sad and have that hole in my heart that all of you out there know about.

Thank you for reading. My thoughts go out to others who are suffering right now. I know the guilt is there no matter how they die. I still feel guilt over my yellow lab and its been 8 years. I still beat myself up for not ending his suffering 24 hours sooner. Hindsight is 20/20.
Thank You,

Oh Dear

It's easy to judge what others should do when you aren't in there shoes. I can tell you loved your Moonbeam and made a very hard choice. I wish, like you do I'm sure, there had been another choice for you. You made the one that seemed best.

I'm so sorry life pushed you to that limit. I'm sorry for both of you. I actually had something like this happen to me once. I had a beautiful little black boy kitty who insisted on peeing on the bed. He pushed me to my limit. I did have a friend who thought she could handle it so I gave him to her. I was lucker than you. She couldn't handle it and put him to sleep very soon. So I upset his life to have it end anyway. Sometimes it seems there is no good answer.

I wish you had had a better vet, that experience really sucked. I'll be thinking of you.

Love
Lori

I am so sorry for your loss, and the pain not only in the decision you had to make, but the heartless manner in which you were treated by Moonbeam's vet. Her behaviour is deplorable, she should be ashamed of herself. I am trying so hard to find the right words to say, my heart broke reading your post. It is obvious how much you love Moonbeam, and the effort and soul searching that took place before you had to make this choice.

Please do not be ashamed of yourself you did everything you could. The guilt is there no matter what the cir%%stances as you said. It has been just under 3 years since I put my precious baby to sleep and I still struggle on almost a daily basis with my decision. She was sick, old, and tired, it WAS time, but most days I still can't convince myself that I couldn't of done something else, done more.

Please take care, and try to find some comfort in knowing Moonbeam was and always will be greatly loved and cherished, despite her problems. You did the best you could, even above and beyond what most would even consider trying, especially given your own limitations due to health problems.

May your heart find peace and healing, and again I am so sorry.

Take care,

Christina

I'm so sorry for your loss of Moonbeam. Don't feel guilty- you did the best you could. The way your vet treated you guys makes me angry- vets are supposed to be compassionate to animals and their people, and this one was not.

God bless you and comfort your heart...

oh dear, this is a tough situation complicated by an insensitive vet! I can't believe how uncaring she was toward you. You definitely did NOT deserve that and I hope you know that this is a product of her sensitivity, not because you did anything wrong.

In terms of "convenience" euthanasias, i would say that this case wouldn't even qualify. The pet was unhappy. You have mobility issues and cleaning up the messes long-term is almost impossible. Re-homing would create stress in an already stressed cat.

convenience euth would have been if you had euthed right when the problem began and didn't bother to help him. You gave moony a good life and a great home. You helped him when others would have given him up or put him down. You sound like a very loving person and I know it's hard but don't drag yourself down about this. I actually read this hours ago and kept thinking about it and finally responded.

I hope you find some comfort on here or in real life. You definitely deserve it and you were/are a great cat mommy.

I am so sorry for your loss, and for the insensitivity of the vet. You did not do anything wrong. You loved your Moonbeam, and, beleive me, I know how hard it is to make the decision to euthanize a pet. You did everything that you could for your kitty.

My prayers are with you at this time. Come here as often as you need to. We are all here for you.

Sandi

I felt very angry when I got to the "vet" part. I don't now how I would handle that but it probably wouldn't be considered healthy especially for the vet. I feel sad for the emptiness you feel. You made a tough call, you did what you could

To the six people who have read my ordeal and replied to my sad day with my cat MoonBeam:

I have not figured out to reply to individual posts. I'm working on it.

Thank you so much for your kind words and clearly thought-out sentiments. A box of tissue sits beside my computer. As I read each one, I cry all over again - thank you for helping me grieve.

We all need to know that others REALLY understand the horrific pain we go thru when we lose our beloved pets (our children). I have been careful not to mention MoonBeam's death to anyone that doesn't GET IT. We've all been there: it makes the greving process so much harder.

Waking up each day is the hardest: the realization slowing comes back what I did to MoonBeam, and that she is not on my bed, purring, as I wake up. There is no longer one other living thing in my house (I gotta at least get a plant).

I can't tell you how much your responses has meant to me. I am slowly going thru previous posts so that I can respond to others in need.
Wishing you peace in your Hearts,
janet
MoonBeam's Mom

Janet, I totally understand about waking up each morning, and realizing your baby is not there. My Schtoobing and I had our little morning rituals, so now I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I still talk to my baby, even though I know he's not physically there. I am trying to allow myself to be open to his spiritual presence, if that makes any sense.

This site has helped me so much over the last few days. Thank God for compassionate people who understand. Just remember, Janet- you are not alone.

Please do not expend energy that you will need in the days ahead by attempting respond to individual posts. We all understand. We are all here for each other. Together we are stronger

moonbeams mom,
i am so sorry for your loss. may you find peace in your heart . you did everything you could to help moonbeam.
you were a great mom. and she loved you for it.
please know you are not alone
people here really care and really love us.

i must say the vets actions were deplorable! she shouldnt even be a vet.
you should not have had to go thru that at all.
i'm glad you were there for moonbeam. and i bet she is looking down at you wishing she could take you r pain away.
she loved you with all her furry heart.
my best to you with your health

much love
michelle


pooh-bear 11/1993~2006
kitten 1/1988~11/2006

I am so sorry for what you had to go thru. It's so sad. I'm a huge cat lover but I can understand why you did this. You had to for the sake of your health. Continuing to clean up after your cat would have seriously affected you in a bad way. Please don't let this torment you. Please find the strength to move forwards and continue with your counselling if you need it. I hope that your health gets better and that you take good care of yourself and that you put your energy into your spiritual, mental and physical healing so you can be at peace with all of this.

Sandy

I am so sorry for both the loss and the tough decision that you had to make. Moonbeam had a good life when she was with you. Your health was making it difficult for both of you. You ensured that she was taken care of. Remind yourself of that.

I know it was probably very tough, particularly since she became sweet again at the vet. But she wasn't like that at home. You need to take care of your own health, too.

I am also appalled at the antics of the vet. So what if it was slower. It was your wish. She should have honored your request.

You are in my thoughts - you and your beloved Moonbeam.