It is obvious we all found these little souls to be so close to our hearts. My 18 yr old cat, Mitzi, has hyperthyroidism and CRF, along with arthritis. She is nearing the end of her life, which I will assist her with when it's (hopefully) obvious life is more pain than pleasure for her. I'm preparing myself - tears come easily, she's been my little buddy for so long - but I'm loving my time left with her, seeing that she's getting the happy attention she loves.

However, my dad is having trouble with his loss - due to a violent sudden death of his dog, he wasn't able to 'prepare' or say goodbye. I was hoping someone might help advise me on how to help my father with his recent loss. Has anyone's had experience in helping their elderly parent with a sudden (or otherwise) loss of their main-time little companion. My dad is 79 and is terribly grief and guilt stricken over the violent death of his little 9 yr old terrier. He didn't come when called for dinner (was in the gated backyard just several yards from the house for a daily ritual of about 10 min). My dad went out & found him in the clutches of the 2 large neighbor dogs who'd drug him under the fence, provoked probably by the very normal yapping/barking of little terriers. My dad blames himself for not forseeing this, for not replacing dirt that had evidentally been 'dug' out by the dogs at some point earlier. Mostly, he can't get it out of his head the horror his favorite little one must have endured his last moments. How do you help when someone is trying to find a way to deal with those visions? He obviously felt he let his pet down by not protecting him from the things in life he felt he should have. Although my dad has always been very strong, opinionated, intelligent, self-sufficient and most things probably that men from that generation are -seeing the contrast - the tenderness and love he felt for his pets - always touched me. Now, it hurts me to see him at his age and health, to have feelings of guilt & sadness take a further toll on him. I know that with seniors, quite often such a loss also reminds them of other large losses in their lives, past & present. He lost a son 25 yrs ago. Sorry to sound negative- but it's a fact that loss is what the elderly are all dealing with -loss of independence, parents have long-gone, friends same age passing or in ill health, along with one own's loss of health & things they no longer can do. He is currently taking care of his son's dog, while this son is away. I do realize this is a positive thing for elders- giving him a reason, purpose, way to help, adds unconditional love. (Hopefully he can keep the dog- he's grown quite attached of course). However, he refuses to leave the animal (ie:trip across states to visit me)(I had to move about a yr ago - but have made 2 trips back twice already). This is of course, fine with me - if it keeps him happier - & if it's healthy for him. His happiness is what's important to me. I think he would enjoy getting out & seeing our home & this state he's never been too - maybe with time, when he feels he can leave this animal for awhile in safe hands, he'll come.
Any thoughts as to how I can help him dealing with the way his dog died?

I'm SO sorry about the tragic loss of your Dad's dog. When I read your description of what happened, I felt stabs in my chest and a weakness go through my body.

What happened was a horrible horrible ACCIDENT. I hope your Dad can come to believe that nothing was his fault. If it was possible to go back in time, most of us would have something we'd like to reverse, but unfortunately, that is not how things operate in this world. A few weeks ago, a woman I had gone to school with was killed in a head-on collision. The man driving the truck that killed her had fallen asleep at the wheel (he had been up late the night before comforting his girlfriend, who was in the hospital, and he was over-tired). In a split second, the life of a young mother was taken. But that man didn't intentionally kill her (although he would give almost anything to go back in time). Even when an accident is the result of a mistake, it's still a mistake, and we are human and we make many, many mistakes each day. It's just that some of these turn out to have tragic consequences. ..In your father's case, it wasn't even a mistake. It was just a chance ACCIDENT. (I'm crying as I write this. My heart goes out to your Dad!!!)

His precious little terrier is at peace now, in no pain whatsoever (not emotional, not physical). I have no doubts that his soul is experiencing only bliss. And in the realm where he is, it will seem like no time has passed before your Dad joins him. They will be reunited. I have read and heard of several cases where people have died and come back (near-death experiences) and they were reunited with loved ones---pets as well as humans. They knew that when it was their time to pass on, they'd all be together.

Your Dad needs to remember that love is a 2-way street. If the roles had been reversed and he had been attacked by those other dogs, he would NOT want his sweet dog to feel guilty. He would KNOW that it was just a tragic accident. He would know that his dog's soul was still living inside his earthly body and would want him to be as happy as possible until his time came to pass on.

Is your Dad familiar with the internet? I wish he could spend hours on this site. Everyone here would take such good care of him in this time of excruciating grief. But THANK GOD he has YOU!!!!! You are a wonderful daughter, and a wonderful Mom to Mitzie!

Please keep in touch and let us know how you and your Dad are doing.

Much love,

Kathy

Mitzi'smom---sounds like your Dad is doing the best he can under the cir%%stances. It is great that he has another "duty" to keep himself occupied during this difficult time. Unfortunately there is no tried and true way to help reduce your dad's guilt. I say that with some authority because on May 17th we ran over our own cat with a truck. It was a senseless horrible ending to a beautiful animal's life! He trusted us and we let him down. Personally I will never forgive myself and I am not even sure I can ever forgive my significant other either. This is just the way it is!!

At age 79 I do not think it is unreasonable for your Dad to think of getting another pet down the road. It may be too soon to bring this up but studies show conclusively that seniors do really well taking care of animals---they need them because it makes them feel like getting up in the morning etcetera!! On the other hand, maybe your Dad no longer wants the responsiblity of another full time pet and he would also be entitled to those feelings. You should ask him how he feels and let him talk it out.

My mother's little toy poodle met a similar fate as your Dad's dog about 20 years ago--he was killed before her eyes by my brother's German shepherd. I was always so grateful I was not there for that scene!! My Mother did not replace the pet with another dog but she did get a parrot!! (which was kind of weird but wonderful in a bizarre way)--each person will deal with this type of tragedy in their own unique way. My best advise is to ask him what he wants and try to just listen.

Last week when this awful thing befell me I could not get my best friend to REALLY listen to me about it!! it was frustrating because she is usually my sounding board, but she was just fanning me off--sort of like "yeah yeah--well, you never had children--losing a child would be bad blah blah" ---she had her own problems and really couldn't be bothered with mine. Then a day or so ago she did just let me talk and talk and talk about my cat. She REALLY listened and it helped ALOT!!

When you really listen to a person completely it is like giving them psychological air! what you do is try not to interrupt with YOUR ideas--just let the person go on and on if that is what they want. well, sorry I kind of turned my reply to you into a lecture...lol, didn't mean to. You are very dear to be concerned for your Dad. rightfully so. Ask him a question and just sit back and let him tell you what is in his mind. It is comforting when someone will allow you to cry and NOT imply that you "shouldn't cry". I will say a prayer for you and him and your kitty too.
Best,
Patti

[QUOTE] "Sorry to sound negative"

Dear Mitzi's Mom:

I read your letter, and I have a huge lump in my throat......
First, I just want to say that your letter, in my opinion, "did not sound negative"....

It sounded HUMAN..... And, I am very, very sorry for your dad, and the loss of his beloved little terrier....

First and foremost, and I know that it will be hard to stress to your dad, and "have him" TRULY BELIEVE (AT LEAST FOR RIGHT NOW), that, "it was an accident - and, not his fault"... Of course, "having him truly believe" is impossible, but it was an accident................He had no control over the situation....

My dad will be 74 on Wednesday, and he is very SHARP, but because of many physical/orthopedic health problems, he is in a nursing home, and he misses his kitty "Scooter", very much...
You said that "it hurts to see him at his age and health"..... Same for me, I understand & I am sorry! (I'm 43 yrs. old).

I cannot imagine how awful your dad must feel after having witnessed something over which he had NO control!
There was nothing he could have done.... Absolutely nothing!!

As Kathy said, "His precious little terrier is at peace now, in no pain whatsoever, ( not emotional, not physical). His soul is experiencing ONLY BLISS..........

And Kathy had asked, " is your dad familiar with the internet??"........ If your dad is not, and you would like me (and I'm sure the other very, very special & beautiful people on Lightning Strikes), to write your dad a very heartfelt letter,
you could forward your address to "MD Cohn" (he's the wonderful person & Administrator, who runs this site), and we could send letters to MD, and he could forward them to you, or your dad...
(If your dad would be interested in hearing from people who care & understand).....

Obviously, we'd have to see if this is okay with MD -- Rather than putting your "address" on the internet, he may have a PO Box # where letters could be sent............
I don't know, it's just an idea............. Because, we really do care..... (Of course, you could read the letters first, before your dad....)

Does your dad have special pictures of his little friend that you could put around his home so that he can be close to
his terrier in that way????

You are soooooooooo right........... Our parent's "love to feel the unconditional love that a little furry friend can give"; it helps them to feel so wonderful, and important......Helps them "to feel very needed"....

Their little furbabies get so much love in return from our parent's as well......... It's a perfect match....

Perhaps his son would be willing to "let him keep his dog", since your dad is already quite attached, or, if that isn't feasible, maybe they can go out to a shelter and adopt a little friend who really, really needs a new home????

With the "vision that he saw"...... It's going to take lots of time, and lots of patience & love & listening.

And, as Patti said, let him express his feelings.............. Let your dad talk & talk, without interrupting him at all......
He needs to let "all of these feelings just flow", he has things that he needs to say.......

I know that it's just so important to "let our parent's say what they need to say........." Sometimes I'll interrupt my mom, and she'll say, "you're not hearing me........" So, I learn to zip it up!!!

And, it is sooooooo true............... If your dad wants to cry, just hug him & hold him (if you are there), and let the tears flow................ Let him know that tears are okay, and are a way to heal.....

I think of my dad & mom, as I am writing this to you, with tears in my eyes, because I know how hard it is "when our parent's age".............

I know that since he is taking care of his son's dog, your dad feels a great sense of purpose, and what better way do we want our parent's to feel??? We want them "to be needed, to feel important"..........
It's soooo important for the elderly.....

After awhile, since this just happened to his lil' terrier, and after he feels safe leaving the dog that is currently in his care, with "someone who he feels that he can trust", then, he might just want to have that visit with you....
But probably for now, he feels that he needs to be at his home.....

I hope some of this has helped, but I feel like I've just been rambling.......but I've really been trying to help because my heart is broken for your dad, and for yourself......

My cat Ernestine was put to sleep on 2/7/2004 at the age of 19 years & 10 months.... She had the exact conditions that your Mitzi does....
With your "little buddy", you are doing exactly what you need to be doing, and I am happy that you are.....
Ernie's heart rate was always over 300 beats per minute, even on her thyroid medicine....
They wanted to do the home sub-Q IV treatments, but after taking her to the vet's daily (having it done), for a little while, it was evident that our little girl was not getting any better.
It wasn't long that she started starving herself....she was having awful retching fits, and just throwing up stomach acids, and it was a horrible thing, to see her in so much pain.
She had lost 25 % of her body weight in 3 months........ from 8.2 to 6.85 to 5.9.....
She was suffering, and since God didn't take her as we had prayed, we did the most loving thing that we could in having her put to sleep.
She was my "best girlfriend", and I will always miss her....................
But, I know, that we will be re-united again.....

God Bless you Mitzi's Mom,
Know that we are here for you!!!!!

You and your dad (and, your wonderful Mitzi), are in my prayers & thoughts!!!

Love, Denise

Dear Mitzi's Mom,

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad's terrible experience and loss, as well as little Mitzi's being so sick. I know that you will give Mitzi some more good times and memories and will cherish the time you have left with her.

About your Dad, it is so true that as we get older, we experience more losses, and they do add up. As we experience these losses, we can't help but be reminded of and probably relive past losses as well. Also, many of those we loved aren't here with us to help through these sad times, and that makes the current loss even more difficult to bear.

When I was about 18, I got a little toy poodle named Pepi that I subsequently left with my mom and dad when I moved into my first apartment. My mom died several years later, and so Pepi became my Dad's best buddy. He used to call Pepi his "step-son." He told EVERYBODY about Pepi and whenever we went out to eat, he always asked for a to-go plate to take home for Pepi, telling the waitress it was for his "step-son" and then telling them about Pepi. Anyway, a few years later, Pepi got very sick. We took him to two vets before we could find out what was wrong with him. Apparently, my brother had sprayed for bugs, and some of that bug spray had gotten into Pepi's dry food. (I have not talked about this since!) I remember being very upset (angry?) that my brother was not more careful, but I pretty much had to keep that to myself because I knew my brother didn't mean to do it, and that he was upset too. This has never been brought up again, and I guess it won't, becaues I don't want to hurt my brother.)

Anyway, by the time the vet figured out what had happened, he gave Pepi some treatment, but it was too late. Poor little Pepi died there in the den early one morning. My dad called me and my then husband to come over. We all went out and buried Pepi in the back yard. As we were walking back to the house, my Dad went ahead of us. I tried to reach out to comfort him. His head was down and his shoulders were shaking with the tears, but he would not let me comfort him because he did not want me to see him that way. It was so, so sad. He missed Pepi so after that. When my dad got really sick a couple of years or so later and was in intensive care in the hospital, I told the nurses if only Pepi were still alive and I could bring Pepi in to see him, he might be able to pull through. Of course, Pepi wasn't still alive so that was not possible. This was all a long time ago now, but it still brings so much sadness and sorrow to my heart.

I know there are some things you can do to help your dad. Of course, first and foremost, is to be there for him by phone to let him talk to you about it, even if he says the same things over and over. As you know, as we all know, being able to talk about it to someone who cares is the most important thing. I do hope he will be able to keep his son's dog, and if I were you, I'd tell his son how important that is. If he isn't able to keep that dog, I think this will be another loss for him.

Here is an article for your dad. I posted the link to it in another topic here, but since it's such a major issue for many of us, I am copying it here. I know it helped me tremendously. (This article can be found at the petlovers.com

Dealing with the Guilt.

Guilt. It's a word that can invoke in us the deepest, most terrible feelings of loss, horror, anger, and helplessness. Why did I do what I did? Why couldn't I have done more? Did I kill my beloved pet? Did I not do enough? Did I do too much? Did I put him/her down too soon? Did I wait too long? If only I had closed the gate. If only I had noticed sooner. If only I had waited longer. If only I had more money. If only I had rushed to the vet sooner. If only I had known more at the time. If only I had listened to my gut feelings. If only I had gone to a better vet.

And we beat ourselves up for all these questions and "if-onlys". Why do we do this? Because we loved our pets. Because we wish we could have done more, or wish we had not done what we did.

But we cannot bring them back. We cannot change what we did or did not do.

What we can do is stop hurting ourselves over the guilt. Each of us, in our own way, did what we thought was right at the time, using what we knew and felt. Each of us tried to do the best we could, and did it with the intention of love.

We are human beings, with frailties and faults. We don't know everything. We make mistakes. But we make them with the best of intentions.

To hurt ourselves with the terrible additional pain of guilt is to do disservice to the love we felt for our pets. With very, very few exceptions, we did the best we knew to do at the time. Even if we feel that we didn't do what we should have, or did what we should not have, we have learned, and everyone will benefit from that knowledge now.

Our beloved pets are gone, and out of pain. We still torture ourselves with the pain of guilt and doubt. It's human to do that, too, but are we being fair to ourselves?

We loved, deeply, and that says that we have a deep capacity for love that many do not. We are basically good people. Should we not recognize that goodness, instead of inflicting pain on ourselves for what we could, or should, or should not have done?

We took in a beloved creature, and gave him or her everything we could. We petted, we walked, we fed, we changed litterboxes, we played, we stroked, we sat sleepless on difficult nights. We cared, and did everything we knew to do at the time. And we looked in their eyes, and knew they understood that we loved them, and knew that they loved us.

If we didn't know enough, or made an innocent mistake, do we believe that they did not understand, and love and forgive us in spite of it? I believe they did, and that they do.

We need to forgive ourselves. If we can, we can increase our knowledge, reach out to help others, and use our pain to make things better for our pets, for others' pets, and for those animals out there who are alone and lost. We can make a difference. But only if we quit hating ourselves, blaming ourselves, for being human.

Let the guilt go. Know that your furbabies don't blame you; they understand, because they know your heart. Let yourself forgive yourself, and allow all the love you have to be there for another. There are so many who need it.

Learn, and then teach. Keep learning, and don't stop. Every pebble of knowledge and caring you send out will ripple throughout the world, and keep growing. And perhaps in time, every animal will be loved, and well-cared for, and there will be a great golden age for the animals, and for those of us who love them.

By Ginger-lyn Summer
September 10, 1999

Also, Kathy and Denise's suggestions about your dad somehow getting connected with this site are really good. That would be so good if he could see that he is NOT alone.

There are hotline numbers that grieving individuals can call. These numbers are posted on many of the internet petsites. That also might be a good idea for him. Actually, he could call me too, and I know there are lots of us here who would be happy to give you our phone numbers so he can call us.

Does your Dad still drive? If he does, couldn't he bring the dog with him to visit you? If not, is there someone that might drive him and the dog there? If he could bring your brother's dog with him and go visit you, that would probably be really good for him.

It's probably more difficult for your dad to talk about his feelings since he is from a generation that didn't usually permit men, especially, to even acknowledge their pain.

Even though we will eventually come to accept the loss and hopefully become happy, productive people again, our lives WILL NEVER be the same. A most special friend that was always here for us is not here physically anymore, but as everyone encouragingly says, we have some very, very special memories and we had a very, very special love that will never be forgotten.

I am still searching for a good book about dealing with the loss of pets. When I find one, I will let you all know. Again, I am so sorry. Please let me know if I can help. Oh, and you did not sound negative at all. You care about your Dad very much, and you are just trying to help him.
Marcia

Denise, Kathy, Marcia and Patti,

Just had to tell you what incredibly caring, loving, feeling, kindhearted people each of you is - just in case that bit of knowledge has escaped you! Each of you shared your memories, insights, suggestions, and a bit of themselves - in hopes to uplift or prevent others from falling into the same pitfalls on this sad road each of us is walking down. Although I would never wish such a painful journey for any of you, it does help knowing we're in such good company. I can relate to each of your stories, and hope to find time soon to respond to each individual post.

I just typed a very long posting (& lost it!) - & it's late but I wanted to at least post a quick response to let you know I very much appreciated your responses, advice and stories. You all obviously have a great capacity to care, and your pets were very lucky recipients of that love.

I wish each of you (including myself when Mitzi is gone), a speedy journey from the empty space, sadness and pain of losing our little loves, to the warm feelings of love and happiness at the memories of the joy shared between you. I hope you can smile with these memories very soon. Your loved ones are at peace now. They can never be in pain again. If fate had turned the tables around, and instead of them, you had to be the one to leave them behind in this world, you would want them to be happy - they would want the same for you.

Love, Laura

Hi Laura--yes it is so sad that any of us are here!! but glad you found us--you have a good and caring heart. Maybe you will post more about your discoveries along this road that we are traveling. I Hope so!

love,
Patti