I let my my baby boo boo kitty die on september 18th. I let him stay out after dark, in the woods and he was killed. I 've searched for his body for weeks. I know he is dead because I felt him die. I had more than one premonition that he would be in some kind of danger weeks before that evening. I had a premonition that day, but I didn't connect it to my baby. I failed him and the pain and guilt have kept me from sleeping or working, or doing anything except crying. I have two other babies, who grieve for him and they need me, but I can only feel the pain. I should have kept him safe. I was warned he was in danger and let my baby be killed. I deserve to suffer for what I didn't do, but I can't handle not being able to see him or hold him again. He loved me so much and wanted only to be with me. I don't want to go on without him.

I am sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose a furbaby especially before their time. Try to remember the good times, like I am trying to do.
I will pray for peace and comfort for you. It doesn't get easier, maybe more tolerable as time goes on.
Theresa

STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!!!

You did not let him die. I cried a river before I could type this. Your post moved me very deeply. We also have a cat, actually 2. Piper stays in all the time. The outdoor cat we took in as a stray. I wish she would not go out but she is compelled to and I fear the worst every time she goes out. How can you you punish yourself and hold yourself responsible for one of Gods creatures own actions?. You are feeling typical guilt for Boo's loss. I believe guilt begs the #1 spot in the catagory of "SELF DESTRUCTION" when it comes to stages of grief. If a put myself in your shoes I will begin to cry uncontollably. I know, I just tried it after reading your post. Please in the name of God, DON"T STAY THERE!! I feel your pain & loss. If you have to seek the help of a professional there's no shame in that. I did such a thing upon returning from Somalia after not being able to save a freind in a landmine incursion. You must move forward in the grief process. ANGER is next, I'm sure you have probably been there also and you can't stay there long either, that's the #2 slot. Guilt, anger, both are consuming and totally self destructive. Back to Boo....he may be gone but YOU DIDN'T DO IT...so let out some more of the grief in tears and crying but move from the spot you are in. Please try....you DO NOT DESERVE to suffer and you have "other babies" to tend, they need you, don't let them down. I pray for you.. I will be watching this post.

It's eight weeks tonight. I've been keeping the outside light on or leaving candles in lanterns on the deck. I walked the fields and woods tonight in the dark. I called to him, but I can't find him. My crying upsets my other two babies, and they try to get on my lap or get me to play with them. I don't know how to get him back. I don't know how to make up for my failure to protect him. I would give anything right now to hold him again. I can't function anymore. My baby ...

First of all I totally agree with what John said...you are not to blame!! Please don't do this to yourself! It is desructive behavior and it won't do you any good.If you need help,then by all means,get it.Thre are lots of help lines you can call to help you thur things like these.You have tried your best to find him and that's all you can do.Your not responsible for him getting lost or his passing.It is out of your hands.I agree with John that you have other babies that need you right now and I think you should concentrate on them more so it would take you mind off your lost kitty.My heart goes out to you and please keep posting so we can try to help you thur this awful pain you are in.We care and there are others out here who care too.Please let us know how you are doing.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

I'm begging you to stop. You will not move forward in the grief process until you ACCEPT the fact that your baby is not going to come back. It is the first stage in the process of moving forward in grieving. I cried a river when I read your first post. Your second one did me in as well. You are in an emotional place that threatens your very psycholocical & physical being. If you stay there you will become sicker & sicker. I'm am deeply concerned about what you are writing here. THE LIVING NEED YOU!!!! Please...PICK THE PHONE UP AND CALL SOMEONE. Talk to someone professional. There is nothing wrong with that. Keep writing posts here, pour it out, send a private messge to someone, do anything but don't stay where you are. I will close by saying this, God please forgive me

If you continue to live day after day with shattered hopes like you have been doing for the past 2 months there is every chance you may get sick enough to require hospitalization. You CANNOT continue down the dark path you currently tread. YOU MUST SMASH THE PERSISTANT NOTION YOU WILL FIND BOOBOO. Only then will your recovery begin. You have 2 others that need your care. I'm very worried about you. Check your private messages....

Oh Boo Boo was so handsome!

I'm so sorry for you. I think one of the worst things that could happen is for a furbaby to just be gone and not to be sure. I think you are sure, you just don't want to be.

It's not your fault, shtuff just happens in life. How many times did you let him out and it was okay? you never meant for something to happen, you only loved him. Your other babies need you now. Cling to them and be gentle with yourself.

Like others have said, guilt is a big part of the grieving process. If not this you would find something else to be guilty about, I know I've found dozens. Would Boo Boo want you to feel like this? I think he'd just love you.

Love
Lori

It has been nine weeks since I last saw, held, or heard my baby. I am taking care of my other two babies. I function for them, but the ache is permanent. There is a part of me missing. My baby would be here now if I had called to him nine weeks ago. He would be alive if I had listened to the warning. I don't know how to go back and correct my failure. Time is passing so slowly. I have no interest in the outside world, or in the future. My baby died too young and too horribly. This is not a good world to live in.

That's right isn't a good world....but it's people like you that make it better... The world needs caring people to make it safe for animals. You have a a part to fill, an obligation if you will to stand up for that which cannot speak for itself. Please keep doing that. It is our duty as gaurdians of these furry & wonderful creatures

Beautiful

Please don't blame yourself. You gave nothing but love and your baby knows that and wouldn't blame you. This is not an easy time but try and find comfort in the two babies you have at home, they need your love and support. Know that we are all here for you, and that the world needs more people like you in it. Your baby's at peace now, and has nothing but love for you.

many hugs Jazmin

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate each one of them. I have been living in a hell on earth for the past nine weeks. I am powerless to go back, to correct anything. I have no way of seeing my baby again. The loss and emptiness of this reality has forced me to become numb in order to take care of my other two babies. The replies help me to know I'm not alone. There are people who understand this grief. I try to make myself go forward, but I'm terrified of placing more distance between myself and Boo Boo Kitty. Time is already doing that to us. I keep trying to go back, and I try to bargain with whatever power exists. Nothing seems to work. I can't believe I won't see my baby again!

Whether you are Christian or not, I believe that these are helpful words - "Forgive them for they know not what they do." Jesus wanted those who were murdering him to be forgiven because they didn't understand the nature of what they were doing. If that is true in such an extreme case, how much more true is it in yours? You made a mistake perhaps, didn't trust a premonition, but you didn't want your baby to die, and are grief stricken now. It is time to start forgiving yourself.



I have said before and I believe this - a lot of the guilt is really a mask, covering the real pain, the true grief - which is knowledge that are babies are gone and we will not see them again on earth. Think about it - it is less painful to feel guilty - to think - I chose the wrong vet, I gave the wrong medicine, I waited too long, I missed the signs, I didn't pet her enough - than it is to think "The thing I loved most is gone and there is nothing I can do about it."


Your baby loved you and would not want you to feel so badly. It is time to feel the pain of his loss rather than guilt for things beyond your human control.

Daisy's Mommy

I do have a lot of guilt, but the pain of not having him here is greater. I can't accept the fact that he is gone. I know he is dead, because he loved me so much that he would not leave me, or his sister and brother. I want so badly to get him back. It's ten weeks today. In my craziness, I've been thinking that I should go through the woods this evening and call to him. Maybe, because I love him so much and need him so much, the calls will go back through time and he will hear me. Then I can have him back. I know this is nuts, but I am not able to let go of him. He love me more than any human has and it has been horrible without him. I love his sister and brother dearly, but they have not needed my love as much. I will carry the guilt for life, but the pain is making me crazy. I miss him just as much today as I did nine weeks and six days ago.

Booboosmom,
I feel just like you.........God help us

OreosMama

booboosmom,
I feel so badly for you for your loss and the agony you're going through. I wish there were words to make you feel better, but the only one who can make you better is you, if you let yourself. I understand the guilt, believe me, we all do, and I have to agree with Daisy's Mom, you're hanging onto the guilt because your instinct is to do so, but in the end, in order to move on (which you have to do) you'd have to face the grief head-on, and that's a scary thought for anyone. I sense from your last post that you're acknowledging the guilt and starting to feel the pain. And it will hurt,very much, to realize that your baby may not come back, is probably gone. This is such a different situation than most pet losses, because you don't have a physical being to grieve over, and the uncertainty has to mix in with all the other emotions flooding your senses. I think that may have something to do with why you've been dwelling on this loss so long, and I can understand that. Yes, your life has changed due to his loss, and that's heartbreaking. It's hard to adjust to that, so many people have to work hard to do that adjusting. It can be hard to understand that adjusting means accepting that he's gone, and it can feel that if you do start adjusting that you're giving up on him, starting to forget his importance in your life. But that can never happen, he will always be in your life, even if he's not physically with you. He is in your heart, and your soul, and you carry that memory of his Boo Boo-ness with you all the time. In the depths of my grief, whenever I've lost a pet, that sense of my pet's soul sharing mine sometimes was all I had to give me any comfort. Because, in the end, you have to find your own comfort in this, no one can give you that. I pray that you do find some comfort, and I have no doubt that Boo Boo would want you to find comfort. He loved you, still does, wherever he is, and that won't change. And one day you will be reunited in your own time.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. Missing him and wanting him back is entirely normal and understandable. But as others have said, you have 2 other furbabies who need you, and it may seem as if they don't need your love as much, but believe me, they do. They may sense that you're concentrating so much on Boo Boo that they are not needed as much as you need them. Again, when I've lost a pet, my other pets were sometimes all I had to keep myself somewhat sane. I don't think you want to carry the guilt of losing them emotionally.

You and Boo Boo Kitty are in my prayers, and I wish you peace. Take care, Barbara

Thank you Oreosmama and Barbara.

BooBoo's Mom,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know how guilt feelings can be destructive and eat away at your spirit. Please don't feel guilty!! BooBoo had a great life with you, you did NOT kill your cat. Please know that. He's in a better place and waiting for a reunion with you someday, but he doesn't blame you for what happened. I know you've probably heard of a thing called "karma" and how things happen for a reason? His death did not happen because of you, it just happened because it was time for him to "go home". Please believe that. I hope you will grieve as long as you need to, there is no time frame on it. If you need to, please talk with clergy. They will tell you that an animal's soul is individual as you and me and that they do go to heaven when they die. If you need to, have BooBoo blessed. You will feel a tremendous sense of relief knowing your baby is a full-fledged angel!
Talking about it helps, and remembering all of the good times you both shared will also help. BooBoo loved you very much, you were his Mum, and you both shared a very strong and special bond that can't be broken by anyone or anything, not even death. I hope this brings you some comfort.
Lisa