hi all

have been scouring the internet for advice on how to stop this pain in my heart and my tears for my little baby.

The main thing is my brain continuing to say "what if" and "if only" that is driving me crazy.

Nicky only turned 2 on the 6th October, 2006. Initially when we first bought him home he was an indoor only cat. When we purchased our own home in 2005 the first thing we did was build a cat enclosure, i have attached the photo of the look on his face (excitement) that he had with the first day out in it... He seemed happy with this new enclosure for around 6 months when we noticed that he never wanted to come inside, and when he was inside he would wreak havok so we saved up and spent another $1000 au to build a tunnel that went to the cat enclosure. It finally seemd that we had found the solution!

But alas, 6 months later, he managed to excape the enclosure. He came home, unhurt, but was never satisifed with loosing his independance again. This resulted in the usual bad behaviour of trying to pull down blinds etc and a general bad mood telling us that if he couldnt be free, he couldnt be happy.

So then we trialed him going outside, at first for a few hours just after work, say between 5 and 7. This worked for a few days, then he didnt come back at 7... i suppose its the old saying, give em and inch and they want a mile.

So anyway, we ended up cutting a hole in the cat netting, and gave him his freedom. He was soooo happy. In fact, so much so, that he stayed inside with us 80% of the time. He would come to bed when we went to bed and would wake when we did, as that was his habit. We thought we had finally found the solution.

That was, untill Wednesday night, the 25th when he did not come home. Thursday the 26th the Neighbours a five doors down on the other side of the road came and asked us if we owned a grey cat as it had been hit by a car. We took him to cat hospital straight away. The vet called us with what we thought was good news after she had taken the xrays... his pelvus wasnt broken, and his chest xray was all clear.

We were told to leave him with our local vet overnight, and that hopefully in the morning he would have more feeling in his left leg and the shock would have died down. Friday morning i was all ready with his cat toys waiting for the vet to open at 8am when i get the phone call that he didnt make it through the night. They said it must have been a bleed in the brain, and the vet said he did not even expect it. My partner and i are devestated. He isnt there any more. He isnt coming home.

I thought perhaps if i write all this down it may help. I cant help feeling that by giving in to him and making him happy and letting him be free i have caused his death.

wondering if anyone has any words of advice, about how to deal with this. We have not lived in this house without him, and we are so lost...

elisha

What a lovely face Nicky had, I am so sorry for your loss.

Please dont blame yourself you did your very best, some cats just like to be outside thats were he was happy.
We all feel guilty no matter how our pets have died but Nicky was loved and that is the main thing.

Thinking of you, Cleo 1

I'm so sorry for your loss of your Nicky. There are some cats who just hate living indoors even though it's best for them - they don't know that and can't understand it. We took in a stray cat who had been living in a sewer near our house for years, and she escaped regularly because she hated being inside so much. She'd sit and watch out the window all day, and it made all of us feel bad because she so clearly wanted to be out there and we didn't let her. We were fortunate that every time she escaped (probably once a week) she'd go right back to her sewer and all we had to do was go up there and she'd trot out to us for her treats, and we'd just scoop her up and bring her home. It could get very inconvenient especially on rainy or snowy days, and once on Thanksgiving. But almost till the end of her life last December that was her pattern, and a constant battle it was, too.

Unfortunately, even cats that are indoor-outdoor cats like your Nicky can have this type of outcome, and it's heartbreaking. Cars are just something that I think cats don't quite understand, and I've taken care of feral cats who live only outside all their lives - so you'd think they'd know to avoid those big noisy machines - be killed or badly injured by cars. Usually they know better, but if you have a cat in pursuit of another cat or prey or a cat in heat, cars just don't register as dangers with them in the heat of pursuit.

We all know that empty and guilty feeling you and your partner are going through, and it does help to verbalize about it and share your feelings. It's tragic when any pet dies, and when you're expecting them to improve and instead the opposite happens, it can be overwhelming. You'll have a difficult time ahead of you, but you know, you were doing what you felt would make Nicky happy, and it did, and he had much more than so many other animals out there. Again, my sympathies to you both, and please know that we are always here for you in this time. My belief is that our pet's spirits never really leave us, and they know our hearts sometimes better than we know them ourselves. Please let us know how you're doing, and take care - Barbara

thankyou for your thoughts barbara. The mornings and the nights are the hardest, and yet again i have woken up in a panic as to where he is and subsequently started crying again today. He would always be there for a cuddle before bed, and again when i woke.

I just cant understand why this had to happen. We suspect that the main part of the problem was the ginger cat that moved into the neighbourhood lately. He used the hang around the outside of nickys cat run when we werent around and taunt him. I think that perhaps nicky might have been chasing him.

One part of me wishes that i had of just kept him locked up instead of giving in to him. The other part of me is glad that he had time to lie in the sun on the front porch and run around the perimiter of the house like a rabbit as he so fondly liked to do. The house was just not the same, he could not run. He tried, but you should have seen the look on his face the fist time he ran around and around the outside of house.

All i keep thinking is, was there something that caused this to happen? like why didnt he come home the night before, if he only got hurt in the morning.. what was he doing... you know all of that....

anyway thanking you for your kind words...

elisha

he did have the most beautiful face Cleo. that photo was taken on the first day he had his partial freedom in the cat run. Mum and dad had come to Brisbane to help us make it for his first birthday.

I think that smile is priceless.

Some people have cats that live forever (old age) outside. (like all the cats when i was growing up) and some people loose them so soon to the roads. I find it hard to find the balance in my mind between letting him have freedom and being a bad mother.... some people tell me that i shouldnt have let go of my control and i should have kept him locked up and unhappy. But as Barbara said, hers kept wanting to escape, and so did nicky...perhaps then the odds of an accident would be less and he would therefore still be with us. But on the other side of the coin, Wednesday might have been the night that he might have darted out the door anyway, and subsequently not have come home. We just thought if we gave him his freedom he wouldnt want it so much... and that theory worked... he was actually inside the house more often and more affectionate, we felt as if we had done the right thing after the trial because he seemed so happy.

its just so sad here now. and lonely. we miss him so much.

Elisha,
No, please don't think at all that you were a bad mother! Cats are individuals just as we humans are, and if they've an itch for freedom, they have to have it or they make life miserable (dogs do this as well!). He was such a beautiful boy (Russian Blue?). He had a short life but it was a good life with you as his mum. He's still with you in many ways. I know it will be hard in the coming days and weeks but time will help heal you. Take all the time you need to grieve.
Praying for both of you,
Lisa