Well, I've just spoken to our homeopathic vet today, regarding the guilt I'm carrying about the last 2 remedies we could have tried, to possibly stop Nissa's bleeding before it was too late...the ones we never picked up...the ones I'd apparently given up on trying ( tho I don't remember at ALL having said this, I was so messed up ). This vet is nothing if not honest, as he's always been and I've always appreciated this over all the years of her care. I consider him a very smart man, a very compassionate person and so dedicated to helping his patients and their people. But here's the bad part:

He couldn't reassure me, one way or the other, that they wouldn't have either helped, or not. That's his honesty speaking again. He said for all he knows ( because he can't possibly really know ), she could have gotten up and "done a jig" if we'd tried them, or they could have even made matters worse for her in some way.....there's just absolutely no way of knowing now. His focus was on me making a conscious choice ( not TRYING, but just DOING it ) to give up the guilt, because it's so counter-productive, unhelpful, harmful to myself, serves no purpose whatsoever, is pointless, etc. While I know what he says it true, and good advise ( I've read lots about guilt in the last few years ), that's all I've got to work with now, and I don't know how in the world I'm going to do it. I just have to live with the fact that I may have made a huge, final mistake.....because I'm only human. He said I'm just looking for something to make myself feel like I'm not good enough ~ that it's one of my patterns, and needs to be overcome cuz it's killing me. He suggested that my guilt is what's keeping me from just pure grieving....hence all the frozen grief. He suggested a counselor, too, among other more esoteric things I might try, but we've not found one yet who deals with pet loss here, which would be preferable. So now I'm stuck with this, unless our local vet can offer anything else ( appt with her tomorrow ) to alleviate my concerns.

This time, there's no telling myself that I can at least learn from this mistake and swear I'll never repeat it......cuz we HAVE no more kidlets to care for, or not make mistakes with. Add to this the fact that I swore to myself after Sabin's death that I'd not only never make the mistake again of NOT euthanising if it was needed, but that I'd try my very best to not leave anything ELSE to chance with Nissa, either, expressly in order to not have to have anything to feel guilty ABOUT, with her! So I lived up to my first promise, but failed miserably, on just one stupid point, on my second promise.........and now it can never be undone. All I can do now is apologize to my precious girl for being a stupid human, as I've done for anything I ever did or didn't do before.....and hope like hell that she's okay with that. Sure, I can tell myself that her time was coming to an end soon anyway, that even if they had stopped the bleeding she may not have lived much longer regardless......but is that enough to get past the guilt, ultimately? All I hear right now inside my head is that I SCREWED UP, in the life of my daughter, at another time when it really counted to not screw up, and that that just as equally might have cost her her very life here. And how do I deal with THAT? I don't know if ANYONE can offer any more suggestions, but I feel like I'm going to drown in this guilt, self-imposed or not. Too many mysteries for this logical, yet overly- sensitive mind of mine to handle and the feelings are just freezing up again, in fear of the pain.

I know this is going to sound simplistic but the answers are within you. Not the vet.

My vet suggested that maybe we shouldn't wake Buddy up from his exploratory surgery last Feb! Well that was a definte NO WAY. Buddy was coming home again.

But in the end, I knew in my own heart that putting Buddy through more treatments was unfair to him. He fought a good long fight but it was time to help him soar off and let him go in peace.

I too started to look for logical concrete facts that I had made the right choice after Buddy was already gone. I found all kinds of facts, some made me feel better, some made me only question more.

The answers to the questions that haunt are within us, I believe that. Trust yourself. I'm working on reminding myself every day that I can be trusted. I did the right thing by Buddy because it was my heart and love for him that I followed.

Yes, the answers are within us all. I think early on, our hearts are broken and our minds are racing and restless, but in time, seek the quiet stillness and there we'll find peace.

Christine,

I think you are probably quite right.....in fact, I know you are. I just can't seem to access that quietude yet and I'm always terrible at trying to meditate or do anything really peaceful to facilitate such states for quite a while after a major loss. It's that restlessness you spoke of....too many thoughts and feelings to deal with all at once. I guess it's also harder to give that up after so many months of being on high-alert during caregiving, as your mind and body get so used to that tension. Add to this the fact that my Mum and brother both died in '04 and I was having to deal with the grief over their deaths, and then just as that was finally getting easier, Nissa suddenly went blind in one eye from high blood pressure, so I had to shift gears back to yet another major health problem.....it's no wonder I'm having such a hard time with everything! Gad....I think everyone's right - many people have been telling me I need to try and relax more! If I can do that, maybe the answers will start to come.

It is now 8 days since we had to let our Nipper go, and I still feel great guilt in taking the decision. I think constantly what 'if's'. and I still cannot get out of my mind did we take the decision to soon!

I think it is a natural human reaction, as pet lovers we want to always do what is best for our babies, but sometimes it is what is best for us. I know like me you are having a terrible time comming to terms with the decisions you have made. But think about the pain and anguish that is now no longer there for your baby.

They say time is a great healer, you will come to terms and move on. I know exactly what you are going through and it does get easier. I actually said to my wife that if I had been alone and no responsibilities, I think I could not have gone on at the time. However 8 days on it would have been a great mistake as people would now be going through what we are going through now because of me. This site has literally been a life saver, and I thank everyone for that and their support. Take care and remember we are all here for you.
Ralph

Furkidlet's Mom,
I think if I'd been through all that you've been through in the past few years I'd be in a fetal position on the floor of a mental hospital somewhere, never wanting to move or think or get up or make a decision ever again. It takes so much guts to just continue on, especially with your mind racing like it is and the all-consuming guilt and thoughts that never seem to stop. I think it's an incredible tribute to you and to your babies that you even come here to give comfort, share your thoughts, and try to help us feel better through your experiences. I am in absolute awe that you can even manage that.

There are things that happen in our lives that we will always second-guess and wonder if we'd done right. For the longest time, after Magic died, all I did for hours at night was sit on the spot on the sofa where she died and sob and ask her if she knew how sorry I was, how much I'd loved her, how much I missed her and her goofy ways. Of course I didn't expect her to show up and put her paws around me and say she forgave me, but I just wanted her to know, somehow, that I was beating myself up with guilt and pain, and I was so sorry I hadn't known she was so close to leaving me. One of the things that stuck with me, still does, is that I can't remember when I last gave her some catnip, which she adored. That haunts me to this day, and I can't seem to forgive myself for that. No matter what anyone says, I will never be able to make peace with myself over that. It seems so trivial, in a way, but in my mind it looms like a mountain that I'll never be able to climb over.

I think there are people among us who have a need to understand rationally and completely what's happened to our loved ones in order to find a peace in ourselves that eludes us. I know I'm that kind of person, in a way, but not so much as I once was. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way, it's just the way some people try to rationalize logically in their minds something which may never be completely understood or rationalized. Even before I went through this latest string of losing pets, I was trying to make sense of some things in life which I don't think I can ever understand. As an example, I was an OB and nursery nurse for 10 years before I became disabled, and witnessed some occurences which for the life of me, I will never be able to make sense of. People who do things perfectly have bad outcomes, people who do everything carelessly or selfishly have beautiful outcomes. There is no sense in it, that we humans can understand. I believe there is a greater power who does know, but here in this mortal life we may never "get" it.

Sorry to ramble on like this. Words can have so little comfort sometimes if it they don't bring peace or understanding, and I always have the feeling that I'm one step away - or one bad outcome for a loved one - away from a total meltdown. But please know that my prayers and thoughts are with you, F's Mom, as you search for your answers, and I hope at the end of your journey you can stop blaming yourself, cause I firmly believe you made the best and only decision to allow Nissa to soar away, as Rockadoodle put it. God bless and take care - Barbara

Barbara,

I think you could "ramble" all day, every day to me and I'd become more and more content! So feel free!

I can't tell you how good it feels to hear you acknowledge how tough the last few years have been on me! So many people seem to be saying to me that I just have to keep going, move forward, go back to work, immerse myself in the 'rest of my life', blah-blah, yadda-yadda......when all I really feel like doing IS curling up in that fetal ball and doing even less than BEING! I'm SO tired, of life, of incredible sorrow, of feeling ( so bad ), of roller coasters, of my already-little world getting so much more miniscule with every loss. I hate to admit it but I feel like there could never be enough sympathy in the world for me and the toll everything has taken on me, from those who are geographically closest to me, for me to ever get through this. I want to scream from the rooftops, I'VE JUST LOST MY DAUGHTER, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! THERE IS NOTHING WORSE FOR ME! WHY DON'T YOU ALL JUST ALLOW ME THE OPTION OF FALLING APART, AND BE THERE TO CATCH ME WHEN I DO?!?!?!"

It feels like Nissa's loss is the culmination of every heartbreak there has ever been, as if she was my last hope and chance for real happiness in this world. Yes, I know I've still got my H, and don't even dare imagine what it would be like w/o him.....but my baby girl, the sweetest girl in the world, to me, who gave me more big, pink, fuzzy love than I ever felt I deserved ( tho I guess I must have, else she wouldn't have given it like she did ), isn't here, physically, to provide me with that buffer anymore. I truly don't know how I'm going to survive that, much less 'thrive' ever again. She was my Life, my Love, my All, as was her brother, but it was SHE who got me through the worst-ever times in my life.

This is why I HAVE to shed this guilt, somehow....on top of everything else, it's an added burden I just can't handle. I even know what you mean about the smaller things ending up eliciting such guilt. For myself, I can't seem to remember whether we even offered her her warmed pillows in bed, once she was prone and couldn't walk the last 2 days. I know she DID eventually move off the fleecy-top we'd placed under her, as I think it was too warm for her ( I've read that while some people and animals get too cold near death, others get too hot as the body starts shutting down ), so we helped her off it.....but ?????...how come I can't clearly recall those all-time-favorites, her pillows?!? There are a few more, too, but that one's the worst. My H can't clearly remember, either....we were both just too upset at the time. But they sure can GNAW at you!

My vet said that I was actively LOOKING for something to self-flagellate myself with, and thinks that all people who feel guilty for too long are into this kind of a pattern. He may be right, but then again, it's as common and natural for most of us as air.

I'm glad you shared your experience about seeing even those who did things perfectly having bad outcomes....that really helps, especially for someone like me, with a strong tendency towards perfectionism ( a lifelong battle, that I've made some progress with, but obviously not enough yet! ) These are the kinds of sharings and wisdoms I need to accu*mulate along my grief journey, so that hopefully that guilt scale will end up empty, or close enough to empty as I can get it. And thanks once again, for validating my stresses and thereby allowing me to feel en***led to feel as bad as I do. You're a real asset to this board and I'm glad you're here to give of yourself as you so graciously do, despite your own pains. ((((Bless you, Barbara.))))

Well, I'm happy to report there's been somewhat of a shift in my thinking regarding the guilt....and ironically, part of it actually came from talking to our local vet ( the one we'd had more trouble with than the other ) yesterday. I checked with her to find out whether she thought there had been anything else we might have tested for ( non-invasively ) that may have explained, and therefore been able to be treat Nissa's bleeding at the end. No, she didn't believe so. I also asked about some of the other seeming inconsistencies in our distance vet's theory about what was happening inside her, and found out they were still most likely valid theories. She'd read nothing in any vet literature that would have disputed any of it. She also was able to rule out other things I'd wondered about. And, most importantly, regarding those last remedies....she pointed out something I hadn't thought seriously enough about ~ that, had I tried each of them, or even all of them together if that had been safe to do, we would have also been faced with the possibility of having to wait a minimum of 24-48 hours anyway, to see if they were starting to work as hoped. This, of course, would have meant keeping our girl in the state she was in, or even having it worsen, for even longer.( the same last-ditch kind of effort we'd tried with Sabin ) So I realized right in that instant that this would have been even WORSE a decision to have to make than the one we'd made, as that would have meant me having to break my FIRST promise to her and myself, as well as the second promise. ( the first being not to allow her to suffer the way her brother did; the second being to do everything I knew about to help her so I wouldn't HAVE any regrets to feel guilty about later ) There is no way I could have 'won' on this. Had I not given up on those remedies when I did....it's almost as if THAT is what had been meant to happen, for MY benefit as well as possibly hers. All of a sudden, this whole dilemma has started to feel rather spiritual, as if everything happened for the greatest good for BOTH of us.

I now feel MUCH less guilty about this omission on my part. The only way this scenario could have played out better was if I'd given them and she'd improved very rapidly, which may not have been the case. Our previous experience with all of her remedies over the years shows me that this only happened sometimes, with certain remedies only...and of course there were also fewer conditions that required healing back then. So although it doesn't solve everything entirely, it went a long way toward helping me believe that she was just beyond any further physical healing, and it was just the time for her to go. This vet, too, was honest, yet came up with a more detailed perspective which ended up helping quite a bit, so thank God I went ahead and checked it out with her, too! And I'm actually surprised that our other vet didn't think about this aspect, so again, thank God I checked with both! I also got a possible lead from her for a private counselor, so that was also nice, even if it doesn't work out. I'm also setting up a free phone consult with another counselor who's willing ( and has done so before with other clients ) to work over the phone with me, if we have a good rapport and I can't find anyone locally - she's trained in bereavement, has done hospice work also, as well as taking a special interest in pet loss.

So I now feel like I'm already starting, or REstarting the purer, UNself-abusive mode of "I just can't believe she's not here anymore" part of grieving....still scared, but it IS a step forward.