It has been almost 4 months that she has been gone. I still think of her almost every day, and I still feel the loss like it was yesterday. She was 21 years old, and I had her since she was a tiny kitten. She was like a child to me, a best friend, a soulmate.
This year was her first ever illness. It scared me so much when we realized she was sick. We spared no expense for her, including 4 days in icu. We thought she would die, but she recovered when they told us there was no hope for her and that she only had weeks. She began eating again, and gaining weight, and even playing, and acting like her silly self.
When she became ill the second time (months later, after a full recovery), we didn't worry. We took her in, and had her checked out. They told us she had a bad tooth and it was a quick fix. So we had it fixed, brought her home and within days she was back to her normal self again.
About a week and a half later we got the call from the vet's office. They had taken a biopsy of an abnormal tissue growth (that they had no real concern about), and much to everyone's surprise it was cancer. We were refered to an oncologist for treatment since she had no other health problems (other than being very old).
The oncology appointment did not go very well. We were given a pain medication and told to take her home. She was given 6 weeks.
I don't think that the real meaning of what was going on really sunk in for me. We continued to spoil her with all her favorite treats, and made sure she was comfortable. The weeks passed by like nothing. Her tumor grew and grew, but she continued to eat and play.
Finally, about 4 months later she was exhausted. I asked my friends to pray that she would go peacefully in her sleep. I didn't want to face taking her there and coming home alone. I sat with her, I told her that it was ok for her to let go. I waited a week at the most, and I knew that she would never stop fighting so I made the appointment.
We didn't even have to use the carrier to take her. She just layed in my boyfriend's arms while we drove to the vet's office. It was like everything was in slow motion, except it all went too fast, and she was gone, but she was there.
I cried constantly for days. I woke up in the night to check on her because I thought I heard her. The worst was feeling sad and not having her warm body there to snuggle with to dull the pain.
We had a brief joy imediately after her passing in the form of a crow. It was a sickly looking crow that began appearing on our porch, and looking in our window. I just kept thinking that maybe it was her spirit not ready to leave. We fed it for a few weeks, but then suddenly one day it was no longer there.
I still think sometimes I see her out of the corner of my eye, or I hear her. I still cry almost daily for her, because she is not here. I still have a hard time believing that she is really gone.
I have never felt such loss in my life, and though it seems better most days, some days still feel like the first day and like I will die from grief.

From my own experience, the way you are feeling is perfectly normal. My dog died on Friday and I could hardly get through the weekend. Yet you have to remember how lucky you were to have your cat so long! Many animals that I have loved immensely did not live very long at all for various reasons, like disease or congenital defects. 21 years is pretty miraculous for any animal!

Hope you start feeling better. It is not easy - it like losing a child and that won't go away overnight, but this site will help. Keep posting.

I'm sorry for your loss. Remember the good and fun times you had with your kitty. It sounds like you gave her a great and long life of happiness. I think we all pray that they go peacefully in their sleep but it doesn't always work out that way and we have to help them. To have the strength to give her that final act of love is a great thing to make sure she does not suffer or be in constant pain.

Remember her, look at pictures, and let out your emotions. If you don't have friends or family that understand your situation there is always this place. We are all here for you.

Sometimes I think I see Simba out of the corner of my eye standing there in the shadows watching me. I won't look directly at him because I know he will just disapear. Sometimes I swear I could hear purring from the spot on the couch where he used to sleep all the time. Just the other night I heard something that sounded like when he use to jump from the kitchen counter onto the floor... that "tha-thump" sound.

So I do think they come around to check up on us after they move on.

lovelost,

I'm so very sorry your kitty cannot still be here with you, and I understand your terrible pain. For me, it's been 40 days, and is only getting worse with each passing day. I won't tell you anything of what to do, but will only say that you will feel whatever you're going to feel and that it would be helpful to give yourself full permission to feel just that. You're enti*tled. It's called grief for a reason ~it hurts like nothing else does! Grief can make you feel so insane witih pain and like wanting to die, or more accurately, like wanting to lose all consciousness.....anything to avoid having to feel such unmanageable pain!

21 years is a long time for a 'love affair' and it's going to take as long as it takes, to learn to cope w/o your beloved kitty and your relationship with her. Our Nissa was 19 yrs, 7 months and was, in effect, to me, my daughter, so I will never get completely through her crossing....it will be with me until the day I die. It will just, I hope, get easier to live with the more griefwork I do. But there's no need to rush the process. It's just very hard to live a long time with the pain, but it usually DOES get less intense with hard work. Time itself does nothing.....it's what we do with it that counts, but patience with ourselves is paramount. We must learn to give ourselves as close to as much love as we gave our beloveds as we can muster, in order to eventually heal. Coming here is one step of many towards that goal. You're in a safe place to share your journey, here at LS.

As for the signs from your dear one.....it does sound JUST like she's trying to send you the message that she's still near you. Hang onto that cuz it will help you during your journey.....and they DO want to help us still.

Lovelost, so sorry for your loss. 21yrs that is a long time for a kitty to live but makes it even harder(if that is possible) to lose because I bet it is hard to remember a time without your kitty. my boy was almost 16. he was pts in July.
This is a good place to share your feelings and to me it helps keep my Raggs alive.
Raggs mom Joanne

All I can say is I'm so sorry for your loss. It's been almost 4 months since my baby died and it still hurts so much. It physically feels like my heart is breaking.

Your baby was so lucky to have you. You did everything you could to take care of her.

I saw an epitaph on a gravestone once that say "if our love could have saved you, you never would have died." Sounds like that's true for you and your baby.

Magdalene

Thank you everyone for all your kind thoughts and words.
It's hard for me to remember a time when I didn't have her because I was so young when I got her.
All I hope for now is to just forget so I don't have to hurt so much anymore..

YOU WERE SO LUCKY/BLESSED.
How I would have loved to have had Furry with me for so long instead of just 11 years, I wanted her to be here when I retired so I could see her all the time, but it was not to be.
Furry was ill for all but the first 4 years of her life with us. Did all the treatments & medications cause her early death or help prolong her life?
Your Kitty was such a part of your life for so long no wonder you are grieving so bad, but no one could have done more for her than you.
The best comfort for me has been to adopt Bella, who is 13, so older than Furry was when she died. It is bittersweet, because I keep thinking that if only Furry hadn't died then I wouldn't have had to adopt Bella. When I see her running around I realise how poorly Furry must have been feeling, without me knowing her pain. Do you have a photo to post?
Judith

I put a picture up as my avitar, it is one that I took of her in the week of her cancer diagnosis. It is a very special picture to me because it was after we knew she was dying, but before she was really sick.
The treatments we did for Kitty in the last year did prolong her life. None were for the cancer as they told us that there were no treatments for her particular type (squamous epithelial carcinoma, invading the gums, salivary gland, and her jaw). Her first treatment was for hyperthyroidism (common to elderly cats) we treated her with medication rather than the radioactive treatment because it sounded so risky. Within a couple months she had stopped eating and was generally lethargic so we took her back. I felt so bad for her thinking that it was because we couldn't get her to take her pills, but that wasn't the case at all. When they ran her bloodwork her thyroid was normal... The vets were surprised since the medication had cleared her system already. The bloodwork also showed that her liver was failing. They told us that there was really nothing that we could do so we took her home and feed her small amounts round the clock just to get the food in. About a week later we had to take her back because she was jaundiced, her liver had failed. She was admitted to icu and force fed for 3 or 4 days, and underwent many many tests. The end result was disappointing. We were told that she would die from this and we should put her to sleep. We took her home, on prescription food, and instructions on force feeding. To our surprise she began eating ravenously and gaining weight again. She became active again, playing and acting like her usual spoiled self. It seemed that she had fully recovered. It wasn't until about 4 months later that we found the lump. It was just there one day when it hadn't been before. So, back to the vet. They told us that they believed it was an abcessed tooth (and what a lucky kitty! No dental problems till age 21!) So she had the tooth surgically removed. They were surprised to find on the inside of her mouth, protruding from the gum, a smalll pink lump of what appeared to be gum tissue. They didn't think it was anything but they did a biopsy anyway. The bloodwork they ran prior to surgery had shown that he liver was working perfectly! So, needless to say, when we brought her home we were exstatic to have a healthy girl . About a week and a half later we got the call about the biopsy, that it was cancer. We were given a referal to the oncologist and told that she wouldn't have much time left. It took me a while to make the decision to take her to oncology. They took one look at the report and told me that she had 4 to 6 weeks at the most and there was nothing thay could do for her. We were told to feed her anything we wanted (including people food, and to just spoil her... Since she wouldn't live long enough for it to have any effect on her health). Soon she was enjoying boiled &en breast everyday, occasionally salmon, hamburgers, and tons of parmesan cheese. It was great to be able to spoil her so much. She lasted about 4 months after we were given 4 to 6 weeks. Sometimes I think she held on for so long because she couldn't give up all that good food. We ended up having her euthanised, she just couldn't give up the fight, and we knew it was time.
It was a long road, about 10 months total. Plenty of time to prepare to let her go, but it still doesn't help the grief of her not being here.

lovelost,
That seems like a perfect board name, cause that's what it really is. What a tragedy, to think she was healthy and then to get that kind of news. I can't even imagine what that might be like. But you know, 21 years is such a long time, and for her to be so healthy for so long - I just have to know that you did a wonderful and loving thing (or things) for her to be with you so long. In a way, that has to be part of the pain, cause it's really hard to think of a life without her. I had a kitty pass at 17 - longer than I'd even known my husband, and my kids had never known a life without her. It's an agonizing acceptance to have to live with.

Give yourself time - I remember thinking that the pain would pass in a certain amount of time and thought something was terribly wrong with me that it didn't. It's absolutely normal to ride that roller-coaster of emotions - times when you think you've begun to understand and other times when you just want to give up cause you believe you can't possibly survive the pain. I remember thinking that with all the losses that people all over the world face, and the grief they must live with - how can the human race even continue? It seemed unfathomable to me. I still have moments, especially since I've lost 2 other kitties since then, when it just seems impossible for us - for me - to go on, much less go on with a semblance of a normal life, that includes taking care of other pets, and the kids, and the house - those insignificant things that never go away. And in a way, even with the pain, that may be a saving grace, cause it gives me a reason to continue in spite of it all.

Sharing your pain, and the journey it takes you through, unwilling as it is, does give some comfort. It will never make it all better, cause nothing short of having our loved one back could ever do that, but it will help. At least, it has in my experience. When the shock wears off the agony and the guilt will hit you, and going through that with others who've been there can give you a sense of kinship.

I am so very sorry for your pain, but I have come to believe that our departed ones do stay on with us in their own way. Not all the time and not always in the same way, but it's given me some peace to believe that they are watching over us all, and one day in the distant future we will be reunited. I'm sure by that time there will be more of my little furry ones waiting for me, and I have faith that your Kitty will be there for you, too. Please come back and let us know how you're doing, and take care of yourself - Barbara