Full Version: Just Missing Her...
I have been really missing my girl something awful the last couple of days. I always miss her....but it has been amplified for some reason lately. Like today, she and Zada would always get their baths outside during the summer, and Sasha always loved it. Since Sasha has been gone, it has always been rather depressing during bath time...I'm always thinking about how she would be standing next to me and Zada waiting her turn (she always went 2nd because she really enjoyed it so I would take my time with her). Today, I was thinking about Sasha while I was giving Zada her bath, and I began to cry. I was thinking about how that would probably be the last outside bath of the summer this year, which led me to think about the passing of time, which then made me think about how long Sasha has been gone...and how long it will be until I see her again,etc., it was a pretty rough 'bathing session' to say the least. I actually found some comfort in the dumbest thing...the overspray of the hose started making a rainbow right next to Zada. I know that water makes rainbows, so I'm not saying that in itself was anything special, it just made me feel a little better and served as a reminder that Sasha will always be with me and that is what I need to try to think about.....
I think Sasha was sending you a not-so-subtle sign that she is okay! (What a brilliant sign!!) She is still a part of you and will always be with you!
Lisa
Lisa
Oh, Kim......what can I say? To hear you still feeling so poorly makes me want to give you such a big hug, in empathy and understanding. You know how I, too, suffered for so many years after we lost Sabin, and I suspect, like you, I will be here for at least as many, if not more, over Nissa now. ( I shudder to think, but I can't see how it would be otherwise, short of some kind of miracle ) I guess it's partly because there can be just so MANY triggers and the memories to go with them.....thousands....and yours is a soft, sensitive heart, just as mine is. Sometimes I think of this grieving process as similar to homeopathic principles, where they say that for each year that you've had a chronic condition, it can take about the same number of months for a remedy to heal you....so for each cherished memory we have of our babies, it can take ????? months or years for those pangs to settle down some.
So all I can really tell you is that perhaps you'll be like me ( and probably many others ) and it will be a few more years until those pangs aren't quite as heavily charged with emotion, although that emotion will never be lost entirely, similarly as Sasha's love for you and yours for her never will be, either. It will just be more liveable, more manageable, a softer pain, when you recall those cherished memories.
So I see both your future, and my own past and future here, and although that's hard to bear in and of itself, the healing takes as long as it takes, like it or not. I don't know if anyone has ever told you this, or if you may have read it somewhere, but it applies to so many of us in mourning that I think I should mention it. There is a perceived benefit to 'hanging onto' that pain, and that is because it is the last earthly/emotional connection we feel we have to our beloveds after they're 'gone'. In many ways, it honours our relationship with them, even if it brings us such misery. I discovered this for myself, with my grief over Sabin, and then I read about it years later, so knew it was true for me. I know how debilitating it can feel, but you're not alone in this, as many people who have lost their human children take YEARS to climb out of this pit...and of course, we think of our relationships to our furbabies as the same as those, so how unusual could it be? So try to be easy on yourself and just accept that this is how it might be for you, too. That alone may help soften things.....until you're ready, dear girl, you're just not.
So all I can really tell you is that perhaps you'll be like me ( and probably many others ) and it will be a few more years until those pangs aren't quite as heavily charged with emotion, although that emotion will never be lost entirely, similarly as Sasha's love for you and yours for her never will be, either. It will just be more liveable, more manageable, a softer pain, when you recall those cherished memories.
So I see both your future, and my own past and future here, and although that's hard to bear in and of itself, the healing takes as long as it takes, like it or not. I don't know if anyone has ever told you this, or if you may have read it somewhere, but it applies to so many of us in mourning that I think I should mention it. There is a perceived benefit to 'hanging onto' that pain, and that is because it is the last earthly/emotional connection we feel we have to our beloveds after they're 'gone'. In many ways, it honours our relationship with them, even if it brings us such misery. I discovered this for myself, with my grief over Sabin, and then I read about it years later, so knew it was true for me. I know how debilitating it can feel, but you're not alone in this, as many people who have lost their human children take YEARS to climb out of this pit...and of course, we think of our relationships to our furbabies as the same as those, so how unusual could it be? So try to be easy on yourself and just accept that this is how it might be for you, too. That alone may help soften things.....until you're ready, dear girl, you're just not.
Thanks to you both.
Lisa,
[quote]I think Sasha was sending you a not-so-subtle sign that she is okay! (What a brilliant sign!!) She is still a part of you and will always be with you!
Lisa,
[quote]I think Sasha was sending you a not-so-subtle sign that she is okay! (What a brilliant sign!!) She is still a part of you and will always be with you!
I would love nothing more than to think this was a sign from Sasha....but, I'm such a realist. I know that water and rainbows are a frequent, however, it is nice to think that she may at least have had her paw in the timing? Ya know, not so much the rainbow being there that is so impressive, just that it wasn't there (or at least I didn't notice it) until that heartwrenching moment that I began to cry...then, there it was...
FK's Mom,
[quote]There is a perceived benefit to 'hanging onto' that pain, and that is because it is the last earthly/emotional connection we feel we have to our beloveds after they're 'gone'. In many ways, it honours our relationship with them, even if it brings us such misery.
FK's Mom,
[quote]There is a perceived benefit to 'hanging onto' that pain, and that is because it is the last earthly/emotional connection we feel we have to our beloveds after they're 'gone'. In many ways, it honours our relationship with them, even if it brings us such misery.
As usual, much of what you say makes so much emotional sense to me, but this really rings true. I want to think of her everyday because it makes me feel more close to her. It makes the days since we said goodbye seem shorter, and reassures me that I'll never forget her, but it is painful to do so because it only makes me miss her so much. I want to be free of this pain, but not at the expense of having to leave her memory behind and right now the two go hand in hand...so what does one do...nothing I can do really but ride it out...
Kim,
Yup...that's it exactly...that ambiguity between wanting to remember as much as we can, yet it being so painful to do that remembering. That's just the phase you're in and that's all there is to it, really. As you said, nothing to do but ride it out, and accept it for what it's being right now.
But there is something about being in extreme pain, I think, that naturally makes us remember more, or remember more acutey and fully, as once we've healed more later on, the memories we have of our loved ones just aren't as all-consuming, as we begin to fill our lives more with the components that are part of our 'new normal'. So while of COURSE we never forget about all the memories ( both good and bad ), they just don't make up the majority of our days anymore...... and by the time this happens, we can handle even THAT, as part of the journey. I know that right now this may even sound like a hideous idea ( if you know what I mean ) and yet that's what grief evolves into after we've worked through enough of it to honestly begin to reclaim our lives. This is probably why it seems like a 'dishonour' to our loved one's memory and why we feel the need to stay in the painful parts for so long. At least, that's how it seems to me. If it helps with this concept, those anniversaries, holidays and other important dates....almost always, with most people, remain huge triggers.....so if you ever start feeling guilty about NOT being triggered as much later on.....you still have those special dates to return to the pain in as much intensity as you desire.
I think though, that most of us finally reach a point somehow where we're so tired of hurting so badly that that then gives us a turning-point from which our grief can evolve into more healing.
But for now, wherever you are, however you are, it's acceptable. That's where you need to be or choose to be...whatever, it doesn't even matter which it is. It's okay to be there, even if it's a love-hate thing. One day, at your own pace, you'll move beyond that and while it will have changed you, you'll still love Sasha just as much, without it killing you to feel that love.
Yup...that's it exactly...that ambiguity between wanting to remember as much as we can, yet it being so painful to do that remembering. That's just the phase you're in and that's all there is to it, really. As you said, nothing to do but ride it out, and accept it for what it's being right now.
But there is something about being in extreme pain, I think, that naturally makes us remember more, or remember more acutey and fully, as once we've healed more later on, the memories we have of our loved ones just aren't as all-consuming, as we begin to fill our lives more with the components that are part of our 'new normal'. So while of COURSE we never forget about all the memories ( both good and bad ), they just don't make up the majority of our days anymore...... and by the time this happens, we can handle even THAT, as part of the journey. I know that right now this may even sound like a hideous idea ( if you know what I mean ) and yet that's what grief evolves into after we've worked through enough of it to honestly begin to reclaim our lives. This is probably why it seems like a 'dishonour' to our loved one's memory and why we feel the need to stay in the painful parts for so long. At least, that's how it seems to me. If it helps with this concept, those anniversaries, holidays and other important dates....almost always, with most people, remain huge triggers.....so if you ever start feeling guilty about NOT being triggered as much later on.....you still have those special dates to return to the pain in as much intensity as you desire.
I think though, that most of us finally reach a point somehow where we're so tired of hurting so badly that that then gives us a turning-point from which our grief can evolve into more healing. But for now, wherever you are, however you are, it's acceptable. That's where you need to be or choose to be...whatever, it doesn't even matter which it is. It's okay to be there, even if it's a love-hate thing. One day, at your own pace, you'll move beyond that and while it will have changed you, you'll still love Sasha just as much, without it killing you to feel that love.
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