I just needed to come here again. It's been almost 10 weeks since we had Scooter pts. I was doing ok, thought I'd found a new kind of normal without Scooter. I WAS WRONG. I've been feeling awful and tired, and just want to sleep in the morning. I've been teary and in physical pain too. Now I need two surgeries. The one has to be put off for a while. The other one is just for my hand, but still, I just don't think I could do it., not feeling like I am, all down and out of energy. I cry and get teary all the time again. I miss Scooter terribly. I do what I can around the house, when I feel like it. I find myself having to force myself to do things, just to try and keep moving forward, but lately, I feel like I'm going backwards again. When I woke up this morning, your new little brother Marcel was sleeping on me. While I was glad to find him there, and he wanted lovies, it reminded me that you are not here. Prehaps, you are somehow, loving me through Marcel in a way. I know it's crazy, but he acts so much like you did. He loves running water, and goodness, he loves the curtains too, just like you did. I remember you used to think you were hiding behind the curtains.

I am exhausted beyond belief. I went to my doctor today, and my blood work is the best it's been, everything "normal". Nothing like sitting in a doctors office for over 2 hours for 15 minutes of his time, Why on earth do they overbook like that? After all of that, he just gave me some samples of anti depressants and said see you in 4 weeks. Please don't think me nuts, but, if you are in physical pain all the time, can that cause you to become exhausted? That seems to make sense to me. What on earth is wrong with me? I've fallen back into crying and not wanting to do anything, but, force myself to do stuff. I keep hoping that it will break this awful yearning for Scooter to be here with me again. I know that the grief process can have you moving back and forth between emotions, but, when you least expect it, it hits you like a ton of bricks. No wonder I'm exhaused.

I feel like I' just rambling on here, not making mucj sense, but it helps to get it out in writing. I know you'll understand.

Thanks for listening again.

Scooter's Mom

Trish

Trish,
I am so sorry for your pain, both physical and emotional. Loss of any kind is hard. I still see my father grieving for my mum and she's been gone two and a half years now. I miss her terribly, and Precious just as much. But it gives me peace that he's with her and they're doing fine. I'm coming up on two months (on 06 October) and I try not to dwell on that as a "death day" -- it was the beginning of Precious' eternal life. He was reborn the day he left this earth. I hope you can view Scooter like this. He misses you too but he's not hurting, he's whole again and with other family members (and cats) that went before. Visualise him laying in the sun, being eternally happy! I know that probably tears you up because he's not with you...but he actually is, he's a part of you, and that bond you had cannot be broken. You will be reunited someday, but for now take comfort that he is rooting for you to cry happy tears, not sad ones, and remember all of the good times you had together. It sounds like Marcel is trying his best to make you happy. Patches is making me laugh again and actually look forward to getting up in the morning! Give him a chance and let him wipe your tears, hug him and tell him you love him and big brother Scooter is making sure that both of you bond too.
It will take a while to get past your loss but do not rush it, take your time and grieve as long as you need to. The days may seem dark and forbidding now but the light will shine through the clouds again and kiss your soul. You will feel like yourself again and find there will be a time for healing. I hope it is soon for you.
I also hope your surgeries go well. If your doctor does not understand the depth of your grief, please consider getting a second opinion or changing doctors. Antidepressants cannot solve anything. Do yoga, take walks, meditate, go to church. Make new friends who are also cat owners, I have and we all have a common thread...our love for our babies! Keep on talking on this group, we will help you through this difficult time in your life. God bless you!!
Hare Krishna!
Lisa

Dear Lisa - Thank you for your beautiful and such kind words. They did make me feel better. Marcel is indeed trying to make me feel better. He does make us laugh at the silly kitten things he does. Just tonight, he cuddled with me on the couch for the longest time. It felt so good, his soft warm fur, and his gentle purr. I love this new little guy so much, and he is helping us heal. I know it will take time, emotionally, and physically. I won't take the anti- depressants, because what you said about getting out, or going to church, and being involved with other people, makes so much more sense. If the exhaustion does not go away, I will definitely see another doctor. These guys see so many patients in a day. Heck, the nurse only took my pulse, never took my blood pressure.
Anyway, you make so many valid points, to see Scooter as whole again, and happy, not sick or in any pain. He has made his presence known to us through various signs, and I have found comfort in that. I guess it's easy to get frustrated with one's self, when you're doing better, then, you're not. I'll just let the feelings flow when they happen, since I don't seem to be able to control them when they come upon me. At least I have more good days than bad, but the last few have been tough. This is the only place I can come and speak my true feelings. After awhile, the ones who are close to you, really don't want to hear about it, and that in itself is a let down.
I'm sorry about the loss of your mom and Precious also. I have read your posts, and it is so sad, what our pets have had to endure, but, we have all loved our pets so much, and helped them through illnesses and injuries. And, we have helped them and loved them through their final moments, when possible.
I have been able to look at pictures of Scooter when he was being silly, and laugh at them, and I am so glad that I have them. But, like you said, he lives on in my heart and always will. There he will always be.
Again, Lisa, thank you for your help.

Trish

Trish...

I am so sorry about your loss.....just know that you are absolutely not alone.....

I lost my sweet Dani girl Dog on June 2nd, and have been devastated, but was hanging in there for a bit....lately though, I've been going through the same thing you described.....the hurting physically, not wanting to get out of bed, thinking about her all the time....it really does go back and forth......

Just know that you are not at all alone in how you're feeling - I am so sorry for you loss, and hope that you begin to feel hopeful and happy again.....what a wonderful thing to at least be able to share your feelings at this board.....if you want to share stories about your wonderful Scooter, I'd be happy to hear them!!!!

Sometimes, I try to just think how our beloved pets are perfectly happy again, and waiting for us at Rainbow Bridge - and although I still feel the deep and profound pain, I can try to take some comfort in knowing that they are running free, healthy and content and we'll meet again....just imagine that perfect place and time when you will again hug your beautiful pet and cross Rainbow Bridge together, never to be apart again!!!

Trisha

Trish,
Please take care of yourself during this difficult time of healing. It will take a long time to feel normal again. I lost my Tabbie only 7 weeks ago & I still cry every day & feel depressed. Its very hard to lose a loving pet that you have bonded with very deeply. Let the tears flow and try to sart some new projects & activities. Nurture yourself. It wil get better.
Jeanne

I thought I was ok now too until last night when I started thinking about Simba alot and then started crying. This morning I was reading my first couple posts in this forum and started crying again. Good thing no one came into my office or that could have been a little embarrassing. I am a 35 year old grown man that hasn't cried much at all during my life. Not even as a child and at relatives' funerals.

Our furbuddies are special and dear to us. When we lose that it hurts like we never felt before. But the pain takes time and needs to be let out when it wants to come out.

Just as cooler said, we need to make sure that we take care of ourselves. We cannot take care of others or other furbuddies the way they need to be cared for if we neglect ourselves.

I visited with my brother one time since I had Simba pts. I used to go there a few times a week. I can only imagine he must think I am mad at him for something so I should drop in on him so he at least knows I am still alive. But I just don't feel like going anywhere much lately.

"Simba II" has been an angel for me and has helped me so much the past 2 months. I know things probably would have been alot worse if he wasn't around.

I feel like a part of me has died with Simba that I can't get back. It's amazing how much of an impact our pets have on our lives.

I know what you mean. It has been 2 years and 2 months(on the 28th) for me and I still have those 'meltdowns' from time to time...last night was one of them. We went to my parents house for dinner, and I saw that they had put a framed picture of Sasha on their fridge (it is one that Babyking's mom had made of her at the rainbow bridge and I e-mailed it to them to see). It was so emotional for me. I'm not sure if it was because it caught me off gaurd to see her pic there, or if it was because it was heartwarming to see that my parents must really miss her alot, too. It was just nice to see her face in their home for some reason. I'm really too emotional about it to try to pinpoint why it is touching me so deeply, but I would just do anything to have her back happy and healthy again.....anything. I see people come here after the 1 year mark and talk about how they are better now...I see people come here after the 2 year mark and talk about how they are better now...and then there is me. I have given up on ever being better. I don't think I will ever be better until the day I can hold her in my arms again. My baby, my child, my heart....I miss her so much...

I've been doing my best at trying to get out and involved. I know we need to take care of ourselves so we can give the love and care we need to our furbabies that are here with us. If not for them, I don't think I'd have gotten to this point. And, if not for this site also. I've been trying to get up earlier in the morning, not that 9am is late, but since I'm not working anymore, there really is no reason. But, if I want to get anything accomplished, I'm trying to get up earlier, to enjoy the day. I have to say that Marcel is the reason I get up earlier (he's quite active in the AM). He's like riccochet rabbit, running around like crazy. Then he comes up and lays by me for some cuddle time, before he's off again. When I get the picture, I'll post it of Fidget and Marcel. Fidget was on the bed with Marcel last night, and Fidget had his paw wrapped around Marcel, and they were cuddling. It was sooooooooo cute.
I've cried more about losing Scooter than I have cried over losing relatives. I'm having an ok day today. I actually got out into the garden and cut back some flowers. Not good for my knee though. I'm still getting shots, one more to go, in a series of 5. When you're in physical pain, I think it affects your emotional status too. Everything just seems hard. I am going to visit my son this weekend and his new wife. Her mom is having a yard sale, and I need to get away. My hubby is going to kitty sit for one night. They have 3 cats and a puppy. Her parents have 3 dogs and a cat. So, I will be in the company of people who love animals. I'm going to look for that picture and post it of Fidget and Marcel.
Everyone, take care, and know that I'm thinking of all of you always.

Trish and everyone else. I so identify. I was feeling so good after the Blessing on Sunday and everything went so great but Sunday night I could not get to sleep until very late. By Monday night I was having a total meltdown all over again. I could not crying. I felt so bad for my H because he said if there was anyway in the world he could fix this he would. (I mean that is what guys do right?) It is hard on him and all the other people who love us to watch us be in such pain and know that there is nothing they can do about it. I just hate the WAVES of grief. Give it to me all at once and then let things slowly get better. I hate being up one minute and in the basement the next. I just never know what is going to set me off or when.

Kim I understand what you mean also. I was looking for closure and I have finally realize that won't happen until I am holding Dugan in my arms forever. This is always going to hurt and be painful. I am just trying to learn to live with this pain in some manageable form.

Trish I am glad that you have Marcel and that he is helping with healing. I have tried visiting my daughter and her cat Jasper, but he is really her cat and won't let me hold him

My hope for all of us is to have hope, peace and acceptance. I still struggle with these but tomorrow is a new day.

Dugan's Mom
Krissyo

Krysso - I'm glad that the blessing went well, but am sorry you're suffering so. I know how you feel. You never know when those waves of extreme grief are going to hit. I just try to get up and have a plan of what I'm going to do each day. I have the hardest times in the morning, because that's when Scooter would wake me up so he could have his special food. And, of course the evenings, because he used to sleep on my side all night. The other night, before we went to sleep, my husband must have thought me crazy, because I called out for Scooter to come and jump up on my side. (I think I was falling asleep at the time). One night I thought I felt a pressure about Scooter's weight on my side.
It is hard for our family to know how to help us. I've given up on telling my family how I feel, so everyone here, has become my family.
I couldn't help smiling before, because Marcel was sitting on my shoulder as I was typing, and just like a little kid, was trying to get my attention, so I stopped, and we played for awhile. He's moved onto another play thing, for now. He's learned how to shut doors now. So, he is helping me get on with every day stuff, but, I will forever have a hole in my heart for Scooter.
Scooter used to sleep in this kitty condo. Since he passed, none of the other cats go near it. I keep expecting to see him in it. That was his favorite place to be his last few weeks. I remember him just jumping up out of nowhere onto my lap and cuddling.
The up and down of emotions, is unfortunately how the grief process works for most of us I guess. For some, it takes longer. And, when you think you're ok, the grief feels just like it just happened..
I have been doing better the last few days. Just tired. Grief and pain knock you down. My doctor said that's why I've been so exhausted.
I hope that each day brings you closer to peace in your heart, though I know it will take a while.

Scooter's mom

I'm sorry for your pain. I too am having a very hard day. After reading here, it seems that is okay, it is a part of the emotinal rollercoaster of grief.
I also have given up on telling my family. My husband came looking for me tonight and I had been out at Buddy's grave talking to him. The night sky was dark grey with clouds. Through my tears saw one lone star shining brighter and brighter into my eyes. My husband came out and I said look! There were no stars out and after I started talking to Buddy, there is it, one bright star, do you see it too? (thinking maybe I am just going crazy afterall) Yes, he too saw the lone star. I am just operating on sheer faith that my Buddy is with me, without a body, in sprirt. It helps me to cope and to accept that death is not the end. Not for any of us.

I feel so alone in my grief and pain, but then I come here and feel united with other people who understand, who express the exact same feelings that I feel.

A book that is helping me tremendously may help you Shortish, and others, I hope, deal with our feelings and our situation:

ANIMALS AND THE AFTERLIFE
THE STORIES OF OUR BEST FRIENDS JOURNEY BEHOND DEATH
BY KIM SHERIDAN

EXCELLENT BOOK, that I have read over and over again. I have tried many, but this is the absolute best.

Rockadoodle,

Thanks for the tip on the book. It sounds like an uplifting book, I am going to look into it.

Dugan's Mom

Rockadoodle - Thank you too for the tip on the book. I'm going to try and find it. Anything that would be of help getting through this rollercoaster of emotions. I need to keep believing that we will see our beloved pets again. My husband last night told me a song came on the radio that made him teary, thinking of Scooter again. It seems as if he and I are both are still having trouble with our grief, but it was good to at least have him acknowledge that he is too. There is an awful void in our lives without him. While we have 4 cats again, he was such a part of our daily lives, caring for him and loving him. We love our other 4 cats dearly, and I love every moment with them. I know you understand what I am feeling and going through.

Again, thank you for the tip on the book.

Scooter's Mom

I haven't been here to this site for quite awhile - mostly computer problems (it's kind of a sad commentary on how far we sometimes have to reach to find comfort for grief in our lives, but at least it's there - I'm so grateful for that). Not having anywhere or anyone to share my grief with (although I do thank you, Trish, for your great videos and pictures) has been kind of disconcerting, but everyday I sit and talk to Magic and Groucho. There are times when I have meltdowns - literally, cause I had a grand mal seizure a few weeks ago and can find no reason for it except that I'd been having trouble sleeping and eating for weeks. I guess it caught up with me. So I really do believe that physical issues have an effect on our emotional pain, and of course vice versa. My other cats have been my lifeline - my other family members seem to have moved on but I sometimes feel so stuck in what I know can never be again. It's more often an empty feeling now than an acute agony, but it varies with what's going on. I have to say that I have developed a terrible fear of something happening to one of my other pets, and obsessing on that is taking a toll. They seem healthy, but who knows? - I thought Magic was young and healthy too.

I'm going to look for that book also - I know I'll see my furbabies again one day, but sometimes you just need that reinforcement, you know?

It's been real weird lately around here too in one way that has struck me. My garden, which I've neglected terribly all year and am now frightened to even venture into, has been absolutely overgrown with huge catnip plants - just gigantic. I bring some indoors sometimes to my cats - washed carefully of course - but I've never had that kind of growth before cause our local ferals and strays took care of that, one reason why I think our yard was so popular with the local feline population. But since Groucho passed, there have been no cats whatever around (or else I wouldn't have these tree-sized catnip plants). But - the other day one cat showed up, and I was just so pleased to see him/her. It just gave me such an emotional lift. I just felt like sharing that, don't know why, but life just isn't the same without cats inside, outside, wherever. It somehow makes me feel closer to my departed ones.

Even if I haven't been here in awhile, please know that I think of you all and pray for you all and your peace of mind every single day. This has become the most supportive community I've ever known, and the comfort and grace I've learned from you all have saved me from so much - I can't begin to express it. Bless you all, and please know that you're in my thoughts every day,