What is wrong with me? I had to say goodbye to my baby Misty Sept. 12th and
I've only cried 3 times since leaving the vet. I miss her terribly and at times I find myself calling her name but I can't grieve. This time it's so different. It seems like I was more emotional when I put Emily down. I don't know if it's because I knew that at her age it was inevitable that I would lose her .

I did go to the Dr. in July after 2 months of trying to cope with the loss of Emily and alot of other personal problems and got on Paxil CR. I wonder if it's because of the anti depressants.I have been working alot too. My last day off was last Weds. so I wonder if maybe I haven't had time to accept the idea.

The tears don't come like they did before. I feel like such a lousy Mom because I'm not grieving the way I should. It's so unfair to Misty because she deserves so much more than this. Maybe I haven't accepted the fact that she is gone yet. I don't understand what is wrong with me. Is this normal? I wonder if that will change when I pick her up Sat. to take her to be cremated. I am starting to feel so guilty because I feel like I'm being disloyal to Misty.

Please somebody tell me what is wrong with me.

Denise, In your post you sort of answeed your own question. But first, there is NOTHING wrong with you, and you are NOT a bad mom. In '98 I had to put my big orange guy Gizmo to sleep and I was devestated, and like your recent loss, my losing Tiger two days ago was different. When Gizmo died, I had Tiger to comfort me, and I comforted her, so we shared our grief. I have no four legged to share my grief with. Am I correct in guessing that you shared your grief of Emily's passing with your Misty baby? It could be that because you had your baby to grieve with that your grieving came easier, as a shared burden is always easier. As you know each of grieve in our own way, in our own time. You say that you aren't grieving as you should, well don't look at it that way, rather you are grieving as you need to for your Misty baby. This does NOT imply that you loved your baby more or less, or that she was more or less important. I think it means she is a unique baby and how you grieve now mirrors her uniqueness. I hope this makes sense and wish there was more I could give you to comfort you.


Mark

Emily's Mom,

You might be interested to know that that's exactly what I was going through, too!! From the very moment after Nissa was euthanized, I couldn't really cry....just a little bit at the start, whenever my H would start sobbing, but not on my own, then only in little bits here and there. I felt deadened, numb, frozen. The very WORST part about it was that I couldn't really feel the intense LOVE I'd always had for my girl, either!! And THAT was sheer torture! There was some sort of anguish deep down, but it wouldn't really surface. It's not like I was normal, as I got all sorts of other classic symptoms of grief, like memory loss, etc., but the sorrow just wouldn't really make itself felt. Then we went away for a long wknd. and while I couldn't sleep and had one night of some crying, I was also trying NOT to dwell on it and ruin the whole trip with sorrow.

But, when we came home, after about 5 days or so, the feelings finally started to surface and it finally became apparent that this was, indeed, shock - the defense mechanism to keep us from being overwhelmed by the intensity of all our emotions after a severe trauma. I'd had shock before ( 3x's in 6 years ), but never to this extent, hence my confusion and doubt that that's what I was experiencing. I'm still suffering some from it, but that terrible sorrow is also now coming out in spurts.....that I'm still not able to allow in to its full extent. But now I know my grief is patiently waiting for me to be able to process it, even if it can only BE in little bits at a time.

I was told to try to relax about it, let it be whatever it was going to be....and that helped it evolve. Now, the pain sucks, but so does the deadness, so neither is worse than the other....except for not feeling the love, because w/o love, what are we? Pointless!

Also, what Mark said rings true, too. This time, I don't have Nissa to share the grief with, as she's the one who's left here, so it has become that much harder for me to face.....life w/o ANY kidlets.....such a scary prospect that my heart and mind don't want to approach it at ALL......hence, avoidance and shock. I've heard that some people stay in this place for months, but I'd already decided that if it went on too long for 'comfort', say a month or so, I'd go get counselling, to help bring it out, but with steady help.