Today was hard there’s this guy that lives down the road who lost his wife a few months age and hes been doing odd jobs for the older ladies around here so we asked him if he would paint our shed, greenhouse and bungalow.
We didn’t really know him and would cross the street if he came towards us with his dogs as ours would kick up such a hullabaloo seeing other dogs.
He asked me one day after theyd both gone if they were ok and so we started saying hello when our paths crossed (I didn’t have to cross the street and hide anymore)
Well two weeks ago he lost his job and today he was painting the front of the bungalow and I took him out a cup of tea and he mentioned that he would be leaving early to go to the vet, I asked if they were ok, god forgive me I don’t know what the older dogs name is, and he went quiet, I actually didn’t know what to say knowing that if it was me id start crying when I tried to answer, he talked a bit then went thoughtful again and eventually I went back to my weeding after having a good cry in the house.
So after much thought, knowing hes on his own I made another cup of tea for him and asked if anyone was going with him he said no so I asked if I could take him trying to be oh so brave.
But he said hed rather be on his own, he wanted them to come to him but they charge £80 plus £50 for the cremation and remember his just lost his job so he was having to face going into the vet with 8 to 10 people outside.
He asked if I was having tomorrow of as well and hed bring Poppy with him I said no having had today off there would be plenty of work waiting for me.
Again after much thought (its hard work this thinking) I decided to go into work this afternoon and take tomorrow morning off so he didn’t have to leave Poppy on her own in an empty house.
You guys post much later than me so I'm hoping for some advise in the morning on whether I should ask or just take it for granted if he brings Poppy along. I know if it was me id rather not be asked as id start crying again, but not everyone’s like me some people are offended if you don’t ask. And he’s such a quiet man.
I did ask him what he intended to do with the ashes as hed volunteered the cremation information and he said he was going to put them in the garden with his wife and that hed planted two trees for her and that one of them had died…….
Life really is a b£%ch

Sue

Sue,
You're such a kind and generous soul. And you can't really do anything wrong, being that way. Just continue to trust yourself and listen to him and listen to your intuition, and you'll know how best to help. It's just like you always do...
--Jennifer

Do what you feel is right. And if the subject of the tree comes up - tell him "Maybe she wanted one with her."

I am so sorry for his losses - so take OUR support in your heart as you help him. And remember - if you are trying to help, and being as sensitive as possible, then nothing you say or do is truly wrong. So ask.

Well it went well this morning thanks for the advice.
He came round without Poppy so I just asked how it went yesterday.
And yes he had Tigger put to sleep, but he seemed ok and we were talking, well he was actually.
His girlfriend has moved in with him so he was not alone (I did mention that I didn’t know him very well didn’t I), he has three dogs not two, so the one I though was going to the vet was not and Poppy is a he not a she (that assuming gender conversation comes to mind)
At least now I know he has someone to talk to and some people handle this whole business of euthanasia better than I do.
Thanks again
Love Sue

I know DJ hates gender stereotypes, but I still say men are different. I am glad he has a girlfriend and remaining pets, but still sometimes people, especially men, may have trouble opening up about this kind of grief and may need someone special like you to listen...

When we were at the shelter getting Hathor, there was a man there looking too. And at one point he said to one of the workers "I lost my (previous) dog..." It was something in the way he said it -- I knew the dog hadn't run away. Later, we were at the front desk doing the adoption paper work together and I said "Congratulations on your new dog... and I am very sorry for your loss..." He started crying. And the whole story about his Irish setter who died a year ago came tumbling out. He was ready for a new one now, but that loss really tore him up....

And the reason WE are out here is to bend a truly sympathetic ear (and to be that sympathetic ear). I have people in my life -- even some nice people who "understand..." But sometimes we need all the help we can get...

You're such a good person, Sue.

Love to you,
Jennifer

I'm not such a good person I think too much and miss the moment of giving comfort and then spend the next god knows how long wishing id said so and so.
You took the moment and gave that poor man someone to talk to; I'm a too reserved English person who feels I shouldn’t intrude (keep the stiff upper lip what).
Although there was this one time in June in Liverpool when we went to a Macca concert and we were in the Lennon bar and this man told me hed had his dog put to sleep last Nov and I said nothing to him just through my arms around him and gave him the big hug id wished I could give all of you guys.
His wife looked on very suspicious but when she came over I gave her a big hug too.
Course when I explained to him why he understood, before I think he was totally shocked.
Now as DJ said id had a drink or two and my inhibitions were down, wish I could be like that without a drink or the distance of a computer!
I love you all and although I love being able to talk to you I wish it was for different reasons.
Love an inebriated Sue
***

I think that when it comes to comforting people "spontaneity" is the key....

I wish I had met all of you for different reasons too. But the universe keeps moving, the world keeps on turning and Oscar keeps on putting his stupid bouncy balls in his water dish!!! He was neutered this week and NOTHING has changed - thank heaven.


And Jennifer, dear, I do NOT hate stereotypes - I think many of them are very useful when it comes to human interaction. We men AND WOMEN are TRAINED to respond in certain ways and stereotypes help us anticipate the reactions we may get from people. I just think that assuming men don't feel as deeply or get wounded as easily is a mistake. We just don't often SHOW those emotions as much but we FEEL them to the SAME degree as a woman. Often MORE deeply because their depth and intensity surprises even US.

As protectors we aren't ALLOWED to show them in our society for fear of seeming weak. So remember - the stereotype that men don't SHOW their emotions is often true - the stereotype that we don't FEEL as deeply for our pets is NOT true.

And Sue, I'd return that hug in a second if I was within arms reach

That's all I've ever said-- is that women and men have been trained differently. I've NEVER said men don't FEEL the grief. Just that in some ways it is harder for them bc they have not been trained in how to DEAL with it, how to open up, how to seek comfort, blah blah blah... Of course, I also think that you DJ, are quite exceptional in this regard. I admire how empathic and open you are...

Fortunately for me, I never (ok -- rarely) think before I speak. Or write. And my upper lip is anything but stiff. In fact, I have real drama queen tendencies.

And I don't believe for a minute Sue that you need a drink and the distance of a computer. You were really feeling for your neighbor, and that makes you a compassionate and lovely person.

Terrible things sometimes bring people together. Maybe that's what we're supposed to learn from terrible things... Anyway, I'm glad I found ya'll...

I am glad to hear Oscar did well with his neutering. Give him a big kiss and some tuna from me.

Love to each and every one of you
Sue

Well that’s for sure my sister never did get on very well with her ex husbands new wife but since his accident they have become good friends and tell him all the time how he has to get well so he can see for himself. Although I believe that when someone is in a coma that they do know whats going on around them.
I have actually contacted a brother whom I haven’t spoken to for 10 years because after Jude and Sadie died I thought what if something happened to him ………..
Maybe sometimes that’s why tragedies happen!!!!!!!!!!
Its all too confusing for me.
Love Sue

Hey sue,
I sent you a PM. DOn't know if you got the last one....

The board looks different. And it sure seems quiet out here.

I sitll haven't gotten Saki's urn sealed. I need someone with really strong hands or something! For the longest time, the (empty) urn was sitting here at the computer table and I'd stare at it while I worked and I miss it. It's shaped like a cat and I always felt like Saki was watching me...

Hathor is sleeping and I should probably play with her so she isn't hyper all night. Sometimes I get the urge to play special Freyja games with her, and then I feel guilty. And Tim and I are going to have to push three twin beds together when she gets big, so everyone will fit!!!

Love to all,
Jennifer

It has been quiet and I pray that’s because everyone is at peace and not because they’re fed up with reading my chattering!
The board is different and my lovely red hearts have turned into sad faces.
Never mind.
Good night and god bless all those lovely red hearts out there.
Love Sue

I had a guest today and i think their are two upset spirits in the house

Let me introduce you to Poppy

HI Little Poppy!!!! Aren't you a little mop dog!!!!

How did everyone else react (the birds, etc.) to your visitor. I am sure Jude and Sadie were kinda like "that little squirt doesn't even hold a candle to US..."

I was wondering why their were sad faces up there. The new skin is ok, but I don't like the sad faces...