Today is my beautiful baby boy's birthday, the first birthday that he is not here to actually share with me. Tomorrow is the anniversary of his death. I don't have to tell you all how horrible this weekend is. I am trying so hard to celebrate his life and not his death, but this weekend just holds such importance. Last year on this day, I had him with me.....we went to the park and he went swimming and acted like all the pain he had been living with wasn't there anymore. Then, we went to Three Dog Bakery and got his favorite treats and finally he had steak before going to sleep that night. He was pooped!!! I laid with him in my arms and just smelled him, hoping that that smell would stay with me in my memory forever. It has so far. I am so afraid of losing it, I still can NOT come to grips with the finality of his death. That I will never see him again until hopefully we meet at the rainbow bridge. I can NOT accept that he is not here......I can't feel his beautiful hot tongue on my face and smell his salty ears and paws. I can't feel his soft fur on my skin or look into his cloudy brown eyes (from cataracts). Half of me has died, and I know it will NEVER come back. I can not accept that I made the decision to never see him again. He was in horrible pain and the doctor told us that he basically should go now. I tried to treat his leg but I was just watching my baby detiorate before my eyes. No matter what anyone says......I just don't know that I made the right decision. I could still have him here and what if his leg would have healed against the odds. He had alot wrong with him still, severe hip dysplasia, arthritis, dementia etc. But, I can't help but think, I wouldn't have made that decision with my husband or one of my children. He was just the same to me as they are so why did I opt for that choice with him ?
Parker's Mom.