I know this is long, but I have to get it all out! I apologize for the length, but once I started, I could not stop...

Our Little Nis' left this world on Wed, Aug 23/06. There it is, in black and white, and I can still hardly believe it. I've been numb, probably in shock, but now the feelings are beginning again and I can't bear it, can still hardly even let this reality into my mind.

She was 19 years and 7 months, almost to the day. We ended up feeling we had to euthanize her, at home....so suddenly, even though we'd been battling her many conditions for so long. I'd been in anticipatory grief for a few months already. But this.....this was still felt as a sudden loss, because we'd expected and been told to expect a slower decline. We'd expected she'd go from her renal failure, and not what happened instead....not that we'll ever really know if her failing kidneys played the biggest part or not, but it still wasn't what had been anticipated, what I'd researched and prepared for.

I'd been using our normal course of antibiotics to try and control another one of her bladder flare-ups. No bacteria and very little inflammation, either, after 13 days on this drug ( a longer period this time as the # of pees/day wouldn't settle down enough ). Yet I still wasn't panicking. Then she started getting a bit of bloody pee, even after this long course of drugs. We made the decision to switch drugs to one we'd always kept on stand-by if the first one should ever stop working. After only 3 days on the newer one, she suddenly went completely blind. We quickly researched this drug and found that this could happen, that her dose was likely too high for her weight along with having CRF as well. Our local vet was away, as she too often has been when I'm in the middle of a crisis. Our distance vet was also away for a couple of these days. She was taken off this drug, as per directions from another vet at our local clinic. All we had left then was her original drug, which continued to not work, but thankfully her limited sight returned w/i a day. We still had another week to wait for her local vet to return. We began trying other remedies from her distance vet. They, too, weren't quite doing the trick, although at least nothing was getting worse.

But within just 2 more days, there was suddenly nothing but bloody pee. I inquired about possible anemia, as she was already slightly anemic from the CRF. No, no need to worry, at least not yet. But the blood wasn't stopping and she was getting weaker. Nothing left to do but wait for her local vet's return and hope she might have some answers for us. I talked some more to the alternate local vet. An ultrasound or other more invasive tests were pointless, as any 'cure' would end up meaning surgery, which we knew she'd not survive at this point, at her age and with heart, hypertension and kidney issues. I felt the end might be approaching, but was still hoping, praying, trying everything that was left to us to try. Then 3 days straight of many bloody pees, so many I finally quit counting them or adding them to the charts I'd been keeping for her for the last decade or so. She was getting a bit weaker by the day, yet still eating the same amounts in total as she'd been for months; still going through her usual ( newer ) routines day and night; still spending the warm days outside in her fav*orite spots.....just having to get up to pee all too often and no longer bothering to cover any of them. We'd moved one of her litterboxes to the bedroom at night. She had a stool to get back into bed, though still often was able to leap right up. We'd just built a carpeted ramp for her to get upstairs with greater ease. I think she only used it, by her own choice, about 4x's, maybe because it was a novelty, as she still preferred to go up each riser on her own.....our Sturdy Girl.

Her last day outside ended up being Monday, Aug.21. We took more videos of her, though she wasn't doing much but resting, with the odd trip to her 'watering holes'. I'd read of the usefulness of these end-stage videos, to help allay the usual guilt after euthanizing, when one can clearly see later on WHY this decision had been necessary. I took a couple more still pictures, too. I did an animal communication this same day as well. She 'said' she needed help in going, that the one fear she had, that was holding her back from leaving, was having to leave ME....that she'd need help to let go because she couldn't, didn't want to, leave ME, her MOMMY. My heart was breaking, but I had to still DO for our girl....whatever she wanted and needed. She was getting so exhausted, just taking a few steps from here to there. I began offering her treat-foods. We stopped all meds that weren't strictly necessary except to keep her conditions stable enough for comfort. She stayed outside, by choice, until the sun started going down. I think she knew it would be her last chance to be in her beloved yard, the one I'd landscaped for my kidlets so long ago....the one that had become Nissa's yard, with Nissa's couch, Nissa's watering holes, Nissa's chairs, Nissa's fence, Nissa's rock garden, Nissa's trees and bushes, Nissa's benches...all and everything, for my little girl. I got what turned out to be her last kisses for me at bedtime. If I'd known, I would have insisted on more, just as she so often had from me. But we cuddled close as always, she next to my heart, her little head in my face and nose......this....this was always my own personal Heaven On Earth. I NEVER took it for granted, but revelled each time in her touch, her love, her Heaven-sent Heaven Scent. The only time of each and every day that I completely relaxed, remained in the Now, just being with my Little Nis'. Such a treasure no money could ever buy.

By Tues morning she could no longer get up to use her litterbox. She was still eating, though a lesser amount. I finally gave in and fed her nothing but the junkier foods I'd never allowed her to have, and more treats. She did enjoy them. She didn't want her homemade Super Ch*icken Soup, which she'd always loved. We tried to make arrangements to get a vet out for that evening, feeling that the end was near....and I'd promised I'd help her cross. No one could come - all too busy. Our regular vet was back now but had an evening meeting, but would see if she could swing by after 9 p.m. or so on Tues. No call....not even to check in with us, to see if any saving could be tried. Someone could come on Wed., though, for sure. Nissa spent the day in our/her bed. In the evening, I realized we hadn't had one last 'lap-time' on the couch downstairs, so we set her and I up there. She stretched out fully on top of my chest, with her face close to mine and my hands, as always, giving her Reiki. She looked like she was finally relaxing some. We'd gotten and started using the homeopathic remedies for pain issues, though she didn't seem to be having much....so we just assumed. All this day, and the next, we constantly changed the cloths under her rear, swabbed her off and kept her clean and dry, gave her water from a syringe, gave her her remedies, her 2 necessary eyedrops ( dropped the 3rd ), her blood pressure med., finger-fed her as I'd been doing for so long anyway, gave her flower essences to help her release attachments to this world and us, to allay any fears, to help with change, to help her open up to the Other Side. Constant doing for her, yet trying to just BE with her every second I wasn't doing.

Wed. was spent in bed again, my husband and I taking turns with her, never leaving her alone for more than a minute at a time, making sure we told her everything else we might not have said before, praying for her, reading some poetry just for her, doing visualizations, going over the procedures to come so she would be prepared which had always helped her ( and other cats, too ) lay most fears to rest. We had liquid Valium for her at home, but never did use it, as what we were told to look for when assessing pain didn't seem to be present. I only hope we were right. I created the most peaceful atmosphere I could think of for her. CD's of Gregorian chants, new-age relaxation tapes that we both liked, and finally my CD of Gongs - nothing but the slow, reverberating sound of ( Tibetan? ) gongs that I'd often used for meditation, kept at low volume so as not to disturb but just relax. I made us one of our common 'caves' with the bedclothes, to keep her warm yet not have any undue pressure on her tired and probably aching body. I remembered this advice from when her brother was dying. Whenever I'd have to get up for something and my husband would take over, she'd be staring at nothing really. Then I'd come back and her face would instantly pivot around and we'd lock gazes, staring into each others' souls, as we'd done so many times before, but more intensely, more 'desperately', both of us trying to hold onto every millisecond together, as Mother and Daughter, never wanting to part. I kissed her everywhere, down to each and every one of her toesies, so like pu*ssy-willows, grey like her, her "tumble-of-toesies" with all her feet clustered in one delicious bundle, ripe for the kissing. Her mouth, those loving lips, that had blessed me with our "miiiiillion' kisses" ever since she was a wee, little kidlet. Her plush yet sleeky cheeks; her soft ears, still, as always, too sensitive for anything but the lightest touch....and everywhere else my own lips could still reach her laid-out body...that body I loved to pieces. That dainty but huge, fuzzy soul that had, as my husband kept telling her that day, totally ruined us for anyone else, ever. OUR girl....our girl.

The vet came at about 4:30; I couldn't even look at the time as that would have meant taking my eyes off my girl, my oh-so-precious girl. Things weren't as we'd expected. I'd been told by her distance vet and the clinic staff that likely we'd not be able to do an intravenous injection, what with her history of collapsing, too tiny veins, plus her dehydration ( tho we'd been able to give her small amounts of sub-cu. fluids for comfort-care the last 2 days ). So we were expecting the abdominal injection, which would have given us a minimum of 10 more minutes, up to about 30, with her. But after the vet ( we knew him from one appointment about 3 months ago when our regular one was, once again, away during Nissa's eye crisis ) assessed her, he strongly suggested, with explanation, the one directly to her heart. We were stunned and completely unprepared for this! He said it would be as quick, if not quicker, than an intravenous. We took a few minutes, but decided he might know best, so agreed. The vet's stupid cell rang -- LOUDLY. I instantly wanted to punch him. He'd just ruined the peaceful atmosphere I'd worked so hard to create for her! He turned it off, or so we thought. I prepared Nissa for the change in plans and apologized for not knowing sooner. He gave her the sedative, which I'd told her would be like others she'd gotten before surgery, making her feel sleepy and fuzzy-headed, but that's all. Something went wrong though. As my husband, and her doc said afterwards, if there was a strange or rare reaction to anything, trust OUR girl to find it, cuz that's our Nis'! She got an immediate bad taste in her mouth, or so it was presumed, and started licking and jawing and becoming distressed. I almost died right then and there. I ended up having to give her water again, apologizing yet again for this horrible disruption, feeling the guilt cut like a knife.....the one thing that I'd felt better about was being able to stop all the horky-tasting drinks, etc. that I'd had to give her for so long every day....and here she was, in her very final moments, being subjected to something that looked just as bad as what she'd been spared for 2 lousy days out of so many! I was sick with despair. Then, whether it was the water &/or the sedative taking effect, she relaxed again. Then the vet's damn phone went off, again! I wanted to scream at him, "Ok, plans OFF!! GET OUT....NOW!!!!" I'm still angry as hell about that, and likely will always be. He ruined it, and there's no do-over now. He'd also rubbed her head and back too hard for someone who's dying and maybe has some pain, earlier. I'm mad at myself, too, for not stopping him in mid-stroke and telling him to take it easier on her. I'd been too busy just trying to keep breathing, trying to stay as calm as I could for our girl. Now all THIS! But I knew it was too late to stop anything. So we gave him the go-ahead. Again, SOOOO angry at self....I FORGOT, to ask him to leave the room for a few short minutes, for one last private time with our girl. I was panicked by all this disruption in plans, and I FORGOT!!!! I said a final prayer that I'd just made up in the last 5 minutes, a new take on one I'd always said over her before I'd leave the house. Now I can't even remember how I ended it.....damn, shot, grieving memory!! I didn't even get to kiss her on her lips one last time. ( someone told me later that when you're that sick, you often don't want to be touched much anyway, but still..... ) I was so distraught that I had to check with my husband as to whether I'd had my face right in front of hers when I saw the light fade from her eyes....he assured me I was right there, with his face right behind and to the side of me, so that we were both there for her. I'm not sure if she might have even looked, for a split second, surprised. How much did she feel that last needle? More than the one for the sedative, which didn't seem to bother her? We both broke right down. The vet said a prayer. I said something in response to something he'd said, about her possibly returning to us in another body. He shared with us that he was positive he'd had 3 of his dogs return to him, and why. But he was talking too loudly, while we were talking in hushed tones. He mentioned that it was good not to move the body for awhile afterwards....I already knew that, but appreciated this advice. Thankfully, he left soon thereafter.

And then the numbness started. I was dazed and could not even cry then. And only a few times that first day, whenever my husband would start bawling. We kept her laid out in state for 2 days on our bed ( I'd asked around about this first ), knowing we had a little while until we could place her body in our deep-freeze to await the custom casket, as we'd done for her brother.

We ended up receiving 5 wonderful bouquets of flowers, and so far 8 cards, all so very appreciated. It was even more than what we'd received when Sabin died, so I've been very pleased about that. One couple came over for an evening, to allow us to talk about it all. We ended up going away only a week later, for the first time in about 13 years ( and that was only for a wknd, once only ), as I think I needed to run from the pain....which was stuck deep-down anyway for the most part. It was a mixed trip. I couldn't sleep w/o her and most nights got only about 4-5 hrs of interrupted rest. We were both bagged, and both of us with painful injuries, too, which kept us from being able to get out and hike as much as we'd wanted. We both got massages, which helped somewhat but not enough. I did NOT want to come home. We'd already found that entering our empty, seemingly soulless house, was too difficult. And now that I'm here, alone all day while my husband is at work.....well, the feelings are finally starting to surface and I've sobbed quite a bit while writing this....but not enough. Nighttimes are still impossibly hard....after having at least one fur-pot to send me to sleepy-bye for almost 20 years straight....I can't do it, though my husband hugs me tight and rocks me. As someone on some site said ( I forget where I found this recently ), "Spouses are fine, but we need fur." She couldn't have been more succinct and right about that if she'd tried.

I've had no blatant visitations, either ( just the one more subtle one I also wrote about here ), though Nissa supposedly 'said' that she'd be right ON that, and that she'd be right there with me, even as SOON as she was physically gone. I found one new penny, with the current year on it, while we were away. I had one dream, with Sabin, not Nissa, in the forefront....the rest have all been nightmares about her, about abandoning her in her needs.....I never even had that happen with her brother.

I've finally 'gone public' here with what happened, to our darling Nissa, to me, to our family. I've dreaded this day for so long and am still sick to my stomach about it all, even knowing it would someday be a reality. I can't even express everything that's going on inside, except to say.....I just want my girl back, this hurts so horribly, terribly much and I can't believe this day has finally come to pass. How can it BEEEE that our GIRL is gone now, too?!?!?!

"My darling, sweet Little Nis'....my Button.... my gal with over 60 nicknames.......I miss you so much more than words can ever say....My Pee-Pop, my Pee-Pop, my Love."

Thank you for reaching into your heart and soul and sharing that. I'm so sorry that you're still grieving so much after a few weeks, but it will get better. I promise! Knowing my Precious is blessed and is with my mother somewhere acting as my guardian angels helps me cope and go on with my life. Patches will be coming to my house tomorrow and this will be a good, positive thing. He will never replace Precious, he will be a new addition, and will hopefully get along with the rent-a-cats. (keeping fingers crossed!!) I hope you may give another cat a chance someday. The memory of your baby will always be with you and I pray it gives you comfort.
Will light a candle for you Saturday...
Lisa

I just wanted to say, your story touched my heart. I feel like I knew your sweet Nissa just reading her story. Don't worry about the length of it, every detail needed to be there, not just for us to know her but for you to remember many years into the future. Not that you can ever forget, but the details are important to convey her story and for you to keep. I lost my Kitty on Sep 7th. I know how you feel, needing to get it out!. I just wrote her (very long) story yesterday and posted it here. I'm printing it out and putting it in a scrapbook I'm making for her. My heart goes out to you and your husband, it really does. I'm just now able to go back to work and control myself, and respond to the loving support I've recieved here. I can't promise the pain and grief will get better, or even go away, but it will get easier to handle. Post as many rants as you need to, we're here for you. I feel a special kinship with fellow kitty lovers because I know they know how wonderful they are. Nissa will find little ways to let you know she's there, don't you worry. Maybe she's just taking a little time to get used to her new surroundings. In fact, she's probably showing my Kitty around the place I miss my baby so very badly. Take care of yourself hun, and try to get some rest. My hubby holds me tight too but you're right, there's no replacing our warm, fuzzy, purring furballs. You and Nissa will be in my prayers, and I'll ask my Kitty to have Nissa come visit you soon.

hugs and friendship,

Linsey, Kitty's mommy

Thank-you, Linsey, for such a warm reply. ( and I finally got around to posting one for you under your own story ) I think that's a good idea to print at least some of our own postings out to keep - never even thought of that! But good, cuz I don't like to write by hand ( my hand cramps up too much ), so this is, in effect, my form of journalling. And thanks, too, for the encouragement to write as much as I feel I need to.....I know it's often hard for some of us, or at some points, to read something really looooong when we can barely focus our attention for more than a few seconds....but I often just NEED to talk about those details, regardless.

I hope Nissa and Kitty DO get to meet and share their own stories with each other. We ALL need friends to help support us when we've had a loss or major change in our journey.

Holding you in my heart, too,
F's Mom