I haven’t written here in the longest time. I’ve been dreading having to write here again, ever since I found this site and first wrote a bit about our fur-son, Sabin, who’d crossed over 6 years ago now and for whom I felt terrible guilt over. And now, 6 1/2 years after his transition, we’ve just lost his loving sister, our beloved daughter, Nissa, whom we had to euthanize last Wed, on Aug. 23/06, 5 p.m., at home, at age 19 years, 7 months. I find I can barely write, which is so unlike me. ( though this post turned out long, it was a huge struggle, for my usual ease with words ) I find I’m so numb I can barely feel anything, even the grief (!), which is even more unlike me. I walk around asking myself, “What’s the matter with me?!?!?!?!” How is it I’m not able to cry, wail, moan, utterly collapse, as I’ve done for all 3 major, prior losses ( Sabin, my Mum and one brother ) in the last 6 years????? Nissa was much more beloved, much more important to me than even my own Mother and brother were; she was the focus of my entire LIFE and I’d been battling for her survival ( diagnosed with early CRF only 2 wks after her brother died ) all of those 6 ½ years. I spent every, single day being her caregiver, and more importantly, her Mom, with more and more care for her increasing conditions secondary to her advancing CRF each year, each month, each week and finally each day……..so what’s going on??? Why am I so numb?!?!?!? I’d always said her loss would be the very worst one for me, and that I was terrified of going through it. And now it’s actually here….and I’m stuck in almost total numbness!
I can’t even begin to tell her story…..the words aren’t coming……they’re stuck, just like the rest of my grief. I’ve experienced nothing the same way as for all other griefs I've suffered. We’re actually going away for a few days this upcoming wknd, something I never thought I’d be able to manage for the first few weeks at least. In the last couple of months of her life I started figuring I’d actually want to get away fairly soon afterwards…..like a running-away from the anticipated pain…get away to nature, quiet, solitude, where I could hike a bit with few people around to see me weeping. But I never imagined it would be a mere week after her parting! And I surely never imagined I wouldn’t be able to weep much!!! She was our last furbaby and being in the house ( not a home now ) all by myself, without her, without being able to DO for her, is unbearable. And so we’re going. Coming back will likely be unbearable, too, but if I haven’t finally ‘lost it’ by then, it will actually feel like a welcome ‘relief’……..to maybe finally be able to wail, as I should already be doing.
I just walk around stunned and numb, guilt-ridden and painfully ashamed for being this way, feeling like I've betrayed her. I’ve been reading about and experiencing grief for all of these last 6 years and of course have heard of numbness, even experienced some of it…..but not in almost constant measure! Sure, I’ve experienced some of the other cl^^ic symptoms of grief so far – no memory, feeling lost, suffering a few guilts over things not done perfectly ( which I can’t even talk about yet, either ). And her dying and parting was so very different than her brother’s was….much better in many ways…..but still……she’s my DAUGHTER, for God's sake!!!! I loved her more than Life Itself for all these years!! Why am I not incapable of even lifting my head from the pillow each empty, lonely morning???? I’ve lost not only her, but also my own, known self!! I thought the pain would be too much to bear when she was gone. Now I’d give my eye teeth to actually feel that pain in all its ( normal ) intensity!! Am I really so distraught that I’m stuffing and blocking it so effectively, deep down, to save my own sanity and am not even aware of this internal process? Have I developed some kind of mental health condition? Or am I just some kind of horrible monster who’s never going to properly grieve the loss of my darling daughter??? It seems so terribly ironic – Nissa was always doing things, reacting to things, differently from other cats……..and now I’m being just…like….her. And probably no one will be able to relate to my experience…..I could never have imagined such a thing myself! This is worse agony than being overwhelmed by emotions!! And I have a feeling that this is also interfering in her being able to come to me in spirit, as I haven't had even ONE sign yet from her that I was aware of, yet Sabin made his continuing presence known to both me and Nissa starting on the second morning after he'd left.
Has anyone ever had such a reaction to the loss of their precious furbaby? Please help if you can!!!!!!
Full Version: Our Little Nis' Is Just.....gone
Oh, yes, I can sympathise because I'm still grieving over my loss (Precious, born 080387, died 080606). It's such an empty and horrible feeling. Sometimes I wonder what gets me through the day. I'm a weeping mess some nights, other nights (and days) I'm okay, I'm making it through.
I feel for you, you will get through it, it's going to be slow...and though you will never really get over the loss, just think of all the good times, the special times! Yours lived to 19 as well, that's probably 110 in human years. We were blessed to have them! Even though Precious is in ash form and in a wooden urn, he's still with me. I kiss and hug the urn every day and say good morning and good night...though I really miss his beautiful face and soft fur, he will always be with me. Especially in my heart!
Give yourself time to grieve. All of here have suffered a deep loss and are here for you.
Lisa
I feel for you, you will get through it, it's going to be slow...and though you will never really get over the loss, just think of all the good times, the special times! Yours lived to 19 as well, that's probably 110 in human years. We were blessed to have them! Even though Precious is in ash form and in a wooden urn, he's still with me. I kiss and hug the urn every day and say good morning and good night...though I really miss his beautiful face and soft fur, he will always be with me. Especially in my heart!
Give yourself time to grieve. All of here have suffered a deep loss and are here for you.
Lisa
Furkidlet's Mom,
First I want to tell you that I am so sorry for your loss of Nissa. It sounds like you were a great Mom, taking care of her all those years during her illness.
I think you probably are still in shock and it has not really hit you yet. Sounds like you have spent many years taking care of Nissa and living with her illness. Taking care of a person or animal thru a along illness does tend to numb you up to things. I think that is the body and mind's way of protecting itself. Grief and mourning are very individual things. I have grieved for my beloved cat, Dugan who became an angel on August 19, 2006, harder than I ever had for another person in my life. I have said things here, which I find to be a safe place, that I would never utter to another human being. Everyone's grief is different. The stages are not the same and neither is the progress. Somedays I feel better and the next I feel ten times worse.
Be gentle with yourself. It will come. One day at a time. I will keep you in my prayers. Keep coming back here. It helps.
Dugan's Mom
Krissyo
First I want to tell you that I am so sorry for your loss of Nissa. It sounds like you were a great Mom, taking care of her all those years during her illness.
I think you probably are still in shock and it has not really hit you yet. Sounds like you have spent many years taking care of Nissa and living with her illness. Taking care of a person or animal thru a along illness does tend to numb you up to things. I think that is the body and mind's way of protecting itself. Grief and mourning are very individual things. I have grieved for my beloved cat, Dugan who became an angel on August 19, 2006, harder than I ever had for another person in my life. I have said things here, which I find to be a safe place, that I would never utter to another human being. Everyone's grief is different. The stages are not the same and neither is the progress. Somedays I feel better and the next I feel ten times worse.
Be gentle with yourself. It will come. One day at a time. I will keep you in my prayers. Keep coming back here. It helps.
Dugan's Mom
Krissyo
We've had our differences, but that doesn't keep my heart from breaking and the tears from flowing when I read this post. I have thought about Nissa often, and have dreaded seeing this very post. Nissa was so lucky to have you as her mommy. I know exactly the lengths you went to to keep your Nissa well, and I really do know just exactly how broken your heart is. I feel sure the numbness will fade, and the pain will most certainly come. It is at that time that you must remember how blessed you and Nissa were to have each other for so long, and that there is NO question in my mind that you did all you could do for her and more. I don't know the details of her last days, but I am sure you did what was best for her by letting her go. You told me on several occasions that you didn't know if you could do it (euthanasia), so I know that if you went through with it, your girl was most certainly ready. She has gone to be with Sabin now....what a joyous reunion that must have been. I really don't know what else to say. I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts.....and I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain to come...
Your grief is so great that the numbness you are feeling is probably your mind's way of protecting you from being overwhelmed with sadness. Don't question your feelings. Be gentle with yourself, understanding that you have suffered a great loss. There is no right way to mourn - you will cry when the time is right for you - maybe in a day or two, maybe in a year or two. It doesn't matter if you never cry, except that crying would be a great release for you. What matters is that you loved Nissa and gave her a wonderful life. Losing a furchild is unbearable. It happened to me right after my adopted human son came home. Everyone thought that having him should make up for the loss of Daisy. Few understood that Daisy was my first child, my daughter, and no one, not even my beloved son, can take her place.
Nissa may not feel that you are ready for a sign from her. She might think that it would be too painful for you. She is with God now and knows how much you loved her and how you are suffering. She only wants you to feel better. Do what you need to feel better, for her sake as well as your own.
Post often. It helps.
Daisy's Mommy
Nissa may not feel that you are ready for a sign from her. She might think that it would be too painful for you. She is with God now and knows how much you loved her and how you are suffering. She only wants you to feel better. Do what you need to feel better, for her sake as well as your own.
Post often. It helps.
Daisy's Mommy
I know there are many aspects to grief and everyone has a different way of experiencing it. I found this website with links when I first lost Yoda. Maybe it will be of some help.
http://www.griefhealing.com/
Theresa
http://www.griefhealing.com/
Theresa
I am sorry for your loss.
I know what you mean when you say you are numb.
I nursed my dog for 3 months and when we had to put her to sleep I cried while it was happening then the next few days I felt so numb. (it was wierd bc I cry easily and alot.)
Then it hit me.
I cry when I wake up,in the middle of the day and when I'm looking in the dark trying to go to sleep.
I cuddle her cedar box of remains.
It is difficult as my family seems surprised (and probably a little annoyed) but I can't help it and I'm beginning to wonder why I should.
Litttle by little things change my grief (I won't say it makes it better.)Like cards from a friend and the vet offices we went to.
Even the birthday card that came in the days after.
So your numbness maynot last, but if it does maybe it's your sign from Nissa that she is ok and you need not cry..
I know what you mean when you say you are numb.
I nursed my dog for 3 months and when we had to put her to sleep I cried while it was happening then the next few days I felt so numb. (it was wierd bc I cry easily and alot.)
Then it hit me.
I cry when I wake up,in the middle of the day and when I'm looking in the dark trying to go to sleep.
I cuddle her cedar box of remains.
It is difficult as my family seems surprised (and probably a little annoyed) but I can't help it and I'm beginning to wonder why I should.
Litttle by little things change my grief (I won't say it makes it better.)Like cards from a friend and the vet offices we went to.
Even the birthday card that came in the days after.
So your numbness maynot last, but if it does maybe it's your sign from Nissa that she is ok and you need not cry..
Thank you ALL ( and especially to you, Kim ) for your ever-so-kind replies and words of advice and wisdom, and just for being here for me in this terrible hour. Your caring and generous hearts truly help....and actually called forth some tears....the first seeds of healing, I hope.
I fully intend on responding to each and every one of you ( and posting a pic or two of our special girl ), though it may take a few days as I had an unexpected visit from a friend today, which delayed my checking back on this board, and now I'll be under the gun to get ready for our little trip away in 2 days....not so easy when my brain won't work properly and I keep forgetting what I'm in the midst of doing.
But I will be holding all of your loving thoughts closely in mind until I can post again ( if I'm lucky, it will be before we leave ).
Bless you all for coming to my aid - this really IS the best furbaby loss board out there, with the kindest fur-people of all and your posts will help me immensely during our time away. Thank-you again, and I hope this will also help open the floodgates for me. After all...I have 19 1/2 years' worth of emotions and memories stored up inside that need expressing in bits and pieces. So tired now.....must go to bed, as best I ever can now without my girl to hold close to my heart...
Hugs and Smooches to you all. You're one special group!
I fully intend on responding to each and every one of you ( and posting a pic or two of our special girl ), though it may take a few days as I had an unexpected visit from a friend today, which delayed my checking back on this board, and now I'll be under the gun to get ready for our little trip away in 2 days....not so easy when my brain won't work properly and I keep forgetting what I'm in the midst of doing.
But I will be holding all of your loving thoughts closely in mind until I can post again ( if I'm lucky, it will be before we leave ). Bless you all for coming to my aid - this really IS the best furbaby loss board out there, with the kindest fur-people of all and your posts will help me immensely during our time away. Thank-you again, and I hope this will also help open the floodgates for me. After all...I have 19 1/2 years' worth of emotions and memories stored up inside that need expressing in bits and pieces. So tired now.....must go to bed, as best I ever can now without my girl to hold close to my heart...
Hugs and Smooches to you all. You're one special group!
Hello, everyone. Well, I'm back from our long wknd. trip, and was dreading coming back to this lonely, empty house, for good reason. I hate being here now, all by myself while my husband is at work. Luckily, an old friend called me just this morning ( my first morning since our return yesterday ), so that took the edge off somewhat, for a little while anyway. Our trip itself was mixed - I spent most of it running on empty, not being able to sleep ( about 4 hrs./night most nights ), as I'd be praying for our Nis', and her brother, Sabin, first, then couldn't get to sleep as I'd just upset myself and started the thoughts and images right up. Some parts were a nice, brief diversion where I'd be telling myself that Nissa would want me to be getting bits of pleasure, but others were horrid and felt so wrong ( to be away from her ). I finally cried some deep sobs at one bedtime, for about 1/2 an hour, but that was also frustrating cuz it was already about 1 a.m. and so I knew I'd be 'ruining' another day by lack of sleep again. I did find one penny, a bright and shiny one from this year, so hoped it was a sign from my girl. But then I also had a nightmare about her.......and no other signs that I could tell, which is killing me as I'd fully expected a bunch right away, just as Sabin had sent both her and me when he left. I even thought I'd find something upon our return......but nothing. And last night I had another nightmare about her. Everything is still so surreal, whether awake or not. I need to find myself a 'stuffie' that feels like her, so I can sleep. I've been using one of her heating pads and a pillow she'd often sleep on beside me, just so I can hug something of hers, just to get that feeling of her being next to me.
Yesterday, after I'd busied myself with post-trip chores, I finally sat down to open the 3 (more) cards that had come while we were away. I finally broke down, crying in the yard.....the yard I'd landscaped all through the years for our kidlets.....the yard I can't stand to even be in now, despite its beauty. There was a particular card ( from the friend who called today ) that has an outline of a cat, in stars, and that looks exactly like Nissa's own outline, which is a rarity, as in all of her 19 1/2 years, we've seldom found any other cats who look like her particular form. This was the card that finally got me to release some of this plugged-up sorrow, and I cried for most of the evening. But now it's going to be that long, terrible future of emotional purging/experiencing........life without my baby girl, without either of my kids....no family of my own anymore....just me and my husband.....not enough, not the same. Someone wisely wrote that "Spouses are fine....but we need fur." Too true.
And now, I said I'd answer everybody who was kind enough to reply. I'll go backwards, for easier viewing for me from this thread, if that's okay. And while it goes without saying, I'll say it anyway ~ I'm so terribly sorry for everyone's own losses and heartbreak. While we at least have each others' understanding of this type of loss, we all know it doesn't give us what we really want - to have our babies back and not have to be here.:
Starry,
I'm glad you mentioned also feeling numbness in the first while. It helped decrease some of the panic underlying my numbness....imagining that it might never go away and I'd be dealing with this alien reaction forever. Knowing that this can happen to even the more emotional of us was helpful, so thank-you for that. I'm familiar with how grief 'evolves' and changes, even if it's still a continuing Presence in our todays and tomorrows. And knowing how long and arduous a process it is, that's also why I wanted it to get started, as I remember all too well how long I felt like dying myself after our Sabin crossed....2 long years of really intense grief and depression, then another year of mainly depression, before it lifted enough for me to feel like giving life more of a chance again. I'd wanted it to go faster, not only because of the horror of it, but because it was taking away life's zest for my girl's remaining time.....something I can understandably forgive myself for, but still have regret for. And something else.........your NAME here.......a possible connection to this sympathy card with the starry outline? Is my girl actually orchestrating all sorts of things to help me feel better? I hope so......because she 'said' she'd never leave me, ever.
Theresa,
Funny you should mention this site, as I'm very familiar with it, having used it for my Mum's and brother's deaths in the last 2 1/2 years. And another strange 'coincidence'.......one of Nissa's 60-some-odd nicknames ( no kidding ) was "Yoda-Girl" ( when she'd get that ears-out-flat-to-the-side thing going )!
Daisy's Mommy,
I think you're right, in that this is a self-protection mechanism. I've been saying for years now that I didn't think I'd be able to survive losing our girl, as she's my last child.....so maybe I've convinced myself that the pain is way too great to allow it in, in full force. So perhaps I've outwitted myself in a way.
I was also 'pleased' to hear that Daisy was as irreplaceable to you as you said. It AlWAYS makes me feel more understood when others can relate to and share in that importance of relationship, no matter the species.
As for the signs, or lack thereof, I'll have to talk about that more later. It's still bothering me immensely.....either from not getting anything really blatant, OR from being too numbed-out and dazed to recognize them.....and not even being sure which one is at play here! I know many people don't get any for months, no matter the reasons, but I've just been going on past experience, and unlike most others, often got the biggest and best soon after a death, with petering-out a bit later on, when I didn't NEED them quite a much. One trained professional ( in animal and human bereavement ) suggested that I might have already done a whole whack of grieving ( anticipatory ) over the past year, which is true to a certain extent, and so my grief NOW might be a little less immensely felt. I can't really say yet if that's wholly right or not, but if that means I don't seemingly 'need' signs from my girl, I can't buy into that. I know Nissa 'said' ( through a communicator, and actually through several of them over that past few years ) that she had been a catalyst for my exposure and further learning about energy, things metaphysical and other stuff like that ) and that she planned on continuing to teach me, even when she'd left, and so I actually expected MORE signs from her than from anybody else. So now, I'm feeling like it's some kind of betrayal of hers and my intense and deep connection, that there's been nothing I can point my finger to and say, "See??? THAT can't be mistaken for anything BUT a sign from Nissa! She LIVES STILL!! She's still teaching me!!" Plus, I figure, since she's always known me so well and thoroughly, and I was always truthful with her, even with painful stuff, she would KNOW that I'd be waiting with bated breath for something from her....and maybe even that I'd be expecting it to blow the lid off anything her brother did for the both of us! I'd also spoken to her, in what turned out to be her final days here, about signs from her when she had to leave.........so it's doubly troubling now, as I KNOW she always understood human speech. If nothing else, she knew my HEART and its needs, just as I understood/felt/sensed hers. So the only other theory left for me to cling to in desperation, is that she's one of those souls who is needing to rest awhile first, after so much physical and emotional trauma on this plane, before she's capable of carrying on herself.......but I don't really know for certain.
Kim,
It was very good to hear from you here, and to hear your perspective on Nissa's precious life with me, especially since you're more familiar with many of those details. Because of that, it really helps to hear that someone thinks I did as much for her as I possibly could and also that the time was right for me/us to take the steps that we did to end her suffering. Even when I start to guilt-trip myself about it, when I look again at her last 2-3 days, and how we were unable to offer her any more conventional medical or holistic interventions that would either cure or even just minimize her final condition, it seems rationally clear that there WAS nothing else to be done. And I had always said that I never wanted to repeat the mistakes I'd made with her brother, that I could never do that to her. Unlike Sabin's death, Nissa's was so different and I was checking with both of her docs, plus others who had more experience than I, all along in the last few months....so now I've got the experience of both ends of the spectrum, something that will likely serve me well later on, after the pain has evolved. But as we both, and all, know....the deaths of our babies is NEVER 'acceptable', even with old age and illness and the bestest, most loving and complete care they ever could have received......because we LOVE them so and never want to 'let go'. And so I haven't, and never really will. Her physical life here has ended, but our relationship MUST go on. I never told her "good-bye", but only "bye for now", as I'd done each and every time I'd had to leave the house for awhile. I still check the litterboxes ( nothing but meds and other most painful things have been put away yet ) each and every time I pass by them, every cell in me jumps to replace water, get a meal, straighten a pillow....and on and on, every time I turn around in any room, in the yard.....everywhere. 19 1/2 years of offering service to my kids....and now there's nothing for me to provide except prayers and the yearning of my heart. And even though this numbness isn't quite done with me, yes, it's as bad as I thought it would be ( don't know how I can tell that underneath it all, but it seems true nonetheless ), after devoting all those years to Nissa's and Sabin's happiness. I'm told I'll always be a Mom, even with no one here to be a Mom to, but I've lost my main role in life, the one that was the most important one to me, and just don't know where to put myself now.
My very first dream after the fact actually had Sabin in the forefront, with Nissa in the background, so I'm hoping that means that he's taken charge, as was his usual mode, and is 'guarding' her as she recovers from her ordeal. I'd like to think that I'd KNOW when they're up and playing again with each other, since we've always been so connected as a team.....but who knows?........and as I know you'd understand, really...I just want them both BACK, or for me to be with them. I'm glad that you've thought of Nissa often.....it's an honour to her importance in this life that she touched someone else's heart that way. My girl, my girl, my precious, kissy girl........I can't believe our life together on this plane is just....over.
Krissyo,
Thanks for your perspective of what being a long-term caregiver can do to you. Yes, I'm pretty sure ( now ) that shock must be a part of this early time. It's just that it felt different and more pervasive than the shocky feelings that accompanied my other losses, so I wasn't sure at all. But you're right ~ long-term care wears one down over time, and I know for certain that when Nissa's brother died, I was only tired-out from his sudden illness for a month, and not for years and years beforehand, as in Nissa's case.....and I DID have 2 more complicated losses to deal with on top of it only 2 1/2 years ago, making me even more depleted. So I guess it stands to reason that my reactions this time are more likely to be somewhat different. And actually, I've been dealing with our babies' illnesses for the greater part of this 19 1/2 years, as each had various problems that plagued them, until things just got worse and less unmanageable for each of them ( and me ) over time. As my husband always reminds me, we got these 2 particular souls sent to us because most other people would have written them off YEARS before their time, whereas they KNEW I'd take the best care of them and give them the chance for a much longer life if they chose me as their Mom. Like everyone else here, though, of course I'd do it all again, given the choice......although I would prefer to take my current knowledge with me second time 'round and save us all a lot of extra angst.
I also believe more in the newer descriptions of phases, or spirals of grief, rather than Kubler-Ross's famous "stages", which were actually meant for those dying, not those left alive to grieve. But no matter what they're called, they all suck. I know.....one moment at a time is all we can realistically handle cuz most moments after our losses are unbearable in one way or another.
Precious' mom/Lisa,
I'm glad you're here, too, as I'll bet there aren't many people anymore whose cats lived as long as ours, who can share in this rarer perspective that's more akin to a longer marriage nowadays. ( probably a bad simile, but all I can think of right now ) As we were in the midst of deciding whether to euthanize Nissa or not yet, my husband came across a site that used a different way to approximate ages of cats, rather than the standard of 7 years per. This one took into account all sorts of things, like illness, lifestyle, amount and type of care, activity level, etc. According to this, in the last couple of months, Nissa was probably around 108-110 in human years. So as we grasp at straws to make ourselves feel a little better, I found this actually helpful to know. Heck, my own Mother didn't live anywhere near as long by comparison ( she was only 84 )! And everyone who knows me and Nissa does say that she never would have lived as long under anyone else's care that they know. Small comfort, but I'll take whatever I can find! And I know that a love affair of that long doesn't get mourned very quickly at all. But it's strange....I want to both get GOING on it, yet don't want to face all that pain. This road is no stranger to me after 3 major losses, but it's still one I dread.....almost MORE now, knowing how awful it can be. My innocence about loss was shattered long ago, and I think it was easier in a way not to know how horribly it affects your life. I know there have always been some silver linings from each loss, but still......those usually only come much later on. And I guess I'm also anxious about how all my knowledge and experience to date might actually lessen my grief! Sounds crazy, but it would seem like a betrayal of my all-pervasive love of my girl, rather than a as a blessing in disguise.
Now that I've filled this thread with so many responses all at once, I should stop for now. I'd just like to add that I don't know what I'll be up to responding to yet outside of this thread, as I'm still so very tired all the time and walking around in a daze most of the day, trying desperately to remember what I went somewhere to do....typical for me in grief. But if any part of me remains true to itself, that won't last too long and I'll be writing to save my sorry life, or what's left of it now. I have yet to plan what I'd like to do for Nissa's memorial service and burial ( hope I don't horrify anyone, but she's still in our deep-freeze, awaiting a response on a casket for her; learned this option after Sabin passed while I was still so uncertain about what I wanted to do with him ), write thank-you cards to all those who sent flowers and cards ( thank GOD we got lots of acknowledgements of her life's meaning! ), contact the pet loss support group here, put together a matching shadowbox for her as I did for Sabin, write a tribute, etc, etc, etc......all in my own time, I know, but it's gonna be so hard I don't know how long it's going to take. If anyone has any further thoughts on any of this, please share them with me! I'll be reading and responding whenever I can as I know how beneficial these grief groups can be. Blessings to you all ~ you're all in my prayers, too.
Yesterday, after I'd busied myself with post-trip chores, I finally sat down to open the 3 (more) cards that had come while we were away. I finally broke down, crying in the yard.....the yard I'd landscaped all through the years for our kidlets.....the yard I can't stand to even be in now, despite its beauty. There was a particular card ( from the friend who called today ) that has an outline of a cat, in stars, and that looks exactly like Nissa's own outline, which is a rarity, as in all of her 19 1/2 years, we've seldom found any other cats who look like her particular form. This was the card that finally got me to release some of this plugged-up sorrow, and I cried for most of the evening. But now it's going to be that long, terrible future of emotional purging/experiencing........life without my baby girl, without either of my kids....no family of my own anymore....just me and my husband.....not enough, not the same. Someone wisely wrote that "Spouses are fine....but we need fur." Too true.
And now, I said I'd answer everybody who was kind enough to reply. I'll go backwards, for easier viewing for me from this thread, if that's okay. And while it goes without saying, I'll say it anyway ~ I'm so terribly sorry for everyone's own losses and heartbreak. While we at least have each others' understanding of this type of loss, we all know it doesn't give us what we really want - to have our babies back and not have to be here.:
Starry,
I'm glad you mentioned also feeling numbness in the first while. It helped decrease some of the panic underlying my numbness....imagining that it might never go away and I'd be dealing with this alien reaction forever. Knowing that this can happen to even the more emotional of us was helpful, so thank-you for that. I'm familiar with how grief 'evolves' and changes, even if it's still a continuing Presence in our todays and tomorrows. And knowing how long and arduous a process it is, that's also why I wanted it to get started, as I remember all too well how long I felt like dying myself after our Sabin crossed....2 long years of really intense grief and depression, then another year of mainly depression, before it lifted enough for me to feel like giving life more of a chance again. I'd wanted it to go faster, not only because of the horror of it, but because it was taking away life's zest for my girl's remaining time.....something I can understandably forgive myself for, but still have regret for. And something else.........your NAME here.......a possible connection to this sympathy card with the starry outline? Is my girl actually orchestrating all sorts of things to help me feel better? I hope so......because she 'said' she'd never leave me, ever.
Theresa,
Funny you should mention this site, as I'm very familiar with it, having used it for my Mum's and brother's deaths in the last 2 1/2 years. And another strange 'coincidence'.......one of Nissa's 60-some-odd nicknames ( no kidding ) was "Yoda-Girl" ( when she'd get that ears-out-flat-to-the-side thing going )!
Daisy's Mommy,
I think you're right, in that this is a self-protection mechanism. I've been saying for years now that I didn't think I'd be able to survive losing our girl, as she's my last child.....so maybe I've convinced myself that the pain is way too great to allow it in, in full force. So perhaps I've outwitted myself in a way.
I was also 'pleased' to hear that Daisy was as irreplaceable to you as you said. It AlWAYS makes me feel more understood when others can relate to and share in that importance of relationship, no matter the species.
As for the signs, or lack thereof, I'll have to talk about that more later. It's still bothering me immensely.....either from not getting anything really blatant, OR from being too numbed-out and dazed to recognize them.....and not even being sure which one is at play here! I know many people don't get any for months, no matter the reasons, but I've just been going on past experience, and unlike most others, often got the biggest and best soon after a death, with petering-out a bit later on, when I didn't NEED them quite a much. One trained professional ( in animal and human bereavement ) suggested that I might have already done a whole whack of grieving ( anticipatory ) over the past year, which is true to a certain extent, and so my grief NOW might be a little less immensely felt. I can't really say yet if that's wholly right or not, but if that means I don't seemingly 'need' signs from my girl, I can't buy into that. I know Nissa 'said' ( through a communicator, and actually through several of them over that past few years ) that she had been a catalyst for my exposure and further learning about energy, things metaphysical and other stuff like that ) and that she planned on continuing to teach me, even when she'd left, and so I actually expected MORE signs from her than from anybody else. So now, I'm feeling like it's some kind of betrayal of hers and my intense and deep connection, that there's been nothing I can point my finger to and say, "See??? THAT can't be mistaken for anything BUT a sign from Nissa! She LIVES STILL!! She's still teaching me!!" Plus, I figure, since she's always known me so well and thoroughly, and I was always truthful with her, even with painful stuff, she would KNOW that I'd be waiting with bated breath for something from her....and maybe even that I'd be expecting it to blow the lid off anything her brother did for the both of us! I'd also spoken to her, in what turned out to be her final days here, about signs from her when she had to leave.........so it's doubly troubling now, as I KNOW she always understood human speech. If nothing else, she knew my HEART and its needs, just as I understood/felt/sensed hers. So the only other theory left for me to cling to in desperation, is that she's one of those souls who is needing to rest awhile first, after so much physical and emotional trauma on this plane, before she's capable of carrying on herself.......but I don't really know for certain.
Kim,
It was very good to hear from you here, and to hear your perspective on Nissa's precious life with me, especially since you're more familiar with many of those details. Because of that, it really helps to hear that someone thinks I did as much for her as I possibly could and also that the time was right for me/us to take the steps that we did to end her suffering. Even when I start to guilt-trip myself about it, when I look again at her last 2-3 days, and how we were unable to offer her any more conventional medical or holistic interventions that would either cure or even just minimize her final condition, it seems rationally clear that there WAS nothing else to be done. And I had always said that I never wanted to repeat the mistakes I'd made with her brother, that I could never do that to her. Unlike Sabin's death, Nissa's was so different and I was checking with both of her docs, plus others who had more experience than I, all along in the last few months....so now I've got the experience of both ends of the spectrum, something that will likely serve me well later on, after the pain has evolved. But as we both, and all, know....the deaths of our babies is NEVER 'acceptable', even with old age and illness and the bestest, most loving and complete care they ever could have received......because we LOVE them so and never want to 'let go'. And so I haven't, and never really will. Her physical life here has ended, but our relationship MUST go on. I never told her "good-bye", but only "bye for now", as I'd done each and every time I'd had to leave the house for awhile. I still check the litterboxes ( nothing but meds and other most painful things have been put away yet ) each and every time I pass by them, every cell in me jumps to replace water, get a meal, straighten a pillow....and on and on, every time I turn around in any room, in the yard.....everywhere. 19 1/2 years of offering service to my kids....and now there's nothing for me to provide except prayers and the yearning of my heart. And even though this numbness isn't quite done with me, yes, it's as bad as I thought it would be ( don't know how I can tell that underneath it all, but it seems true nonetheless ), after devoting all those years to Nissa's and Sabin's happiness. I'm told I'll always be a Mom, even with no one here to be a Mom to, but I've lost my main role in life, the one that was the most important one to me, and just don't know where to put myself now.
My very first dream after the fact actually had Sabin in the forefront, with Nissa in the background, so I'm hoping that means that he's taken charge, as was his usual mode, and is 'guarding' her as she recovers from her ordeal. I'd like to think that I'd KNOW when they're up and playing again with each other, since we've always been so connected as a team.....but who knows?........and as I know you'd understand, really...I just want them both BACK, or for me to be with them. I'm glad that you've thought of Nissa often.....it's an honour to her importance in this life that she touched someone else's heart that way. My girl, my girl, my precious, kissy girl........I can't believe our life together on this plane is just....over.
Krissyo,
Thanks for your perspective of what being a long-term caregiver can do to you. Yes, I'm pretty sure ( now ) that shock must be a part of this early time. It's just that it felt different and more pervasive than the shocky feelings that accompanied my other losses, so I wasn't sure at all. But you're right ~ long-term care wears one down over time, and I know for certain that when Nissa's brother died, I was only tired-out from his sudden illness for a month, and not for years and years beforehand, as in Nissa's case.....and I DID have 2 more complicated losses to deal with on top of it only 2 1/2 years ago, making me even more depleted. So I guess it stands to reason that my reactions this time are more likely to be somewhat different. And actually, I've been dealing with our babies' illnesses for the greater part of this 19 1/2 years, as each had various problems that plagued them, until things just got worse and less unmanageable for each of them ( and me ) over time. As my husband always reminds me, we got these 2 particular souls sent to us because most other people would have written them off YEARS before their time, whereas they KNEW I'd take the best care of them and give them the chance for a much longer life if they chose me as their Mom. Like everyone else here, though, of course I'd do it all again, given the choice......although I would prefer to take my current knowledge with me second time 'round and save us all a lot of extra angst.
I also believe more in the newer descriptions of phases, or spirals of grief, rather than Kubler-Ross's famous "stages", which were actually meant for those dying, not those left alive to grieve. But no matter what they're called, they all suck. I know.....one moment at a time is all we can realistically handle cuz most moments after our losses are unbearable in one way or another.
Precious' mom/Lisa,
I'm glad you're here, too, as I'll bet there aren't many people anymore whose cats lived as long as ours, who can share in this rarer perspective that's more akin to a longer marriage nowadays. ( probably a bad simile, but all I can think of right now ) As we were in the midst of deciding whether to euthanize Nissa or not yet, my husband came across a site that used a different way to approximate ages of cats, rather than the standard of 7 years per. This one took into account all sorts of things, like illness, lifestyle, amount and type of care, activity level, etc. According to this, in the last couple of months, Nissa was probably around 108-110 in human years. So as we grasp at straws to make ourselves feel a little better, I found this actually helpful to know. Heck, my own Mother didn't live anywhere near as long by comparison ( she was only 84 )! And everyone who knows me and Nissa does say that she never would have lived as long under anyone else's care that they know. Small comfort, but I'll take whatever I can find! And I know that a love affair of that long doesn't get mourned very quickly at all. But it's strange....I want to both get GOING on it, yet don't want to face all that pain. This road is no stranger to me after 3 major losses, but it's still one I dread.....almost MORE now, knowing how awful it can be. My innocence about loss was shattered long ago, and I think it was easier in a way not to know how horribly it affects your life. I know there have always been some silver linings from each loss, but still......those usually only come much later on. And I guess I'm also anxious about how all my knowledge and experience to date might actually lessen my grief! Sounds crazy, but it would seem like a betrayal of my all-pervasive love of my girl, rather than a as a blessing in disguise.
Now that I've filled this thread with so many responses all at once, I should stop for now. I'd just like to add that I don't know what I'll be up to responding to yet outside of this thread, as I'm still so very tired all the time and walking around in a daze most of the day, trying desperately to remember what I went somewhere to do....typical for me in grief. But if any part of me remains true to itself, that won't last too long and I'll be writing to save my sorry life, or what's left of it now. I have yet to plan what I'd like to do for Nissa's memorial service and burial ( hope I don't horrify anyone, but she's still in our deep-freeze, awaiting a response on a casket for her; learned this option after Sabin passed while I was still so uncertain about what I wanted to do with him ), write thank-you cards to all those who sent flowers and cards ( thank GOD we got lots of acknowledgements of her life's meaning! ), contact the pet loss support group here, put together a matching shadowbox for her as I did for Sabin, write a tribute, etc, etc, etc......all in my own time, I know, but it's gonna be so hard I don't know how long it's going to take. If anyone has any further thoughts on any of this, please share them with me! I'll be reading and responding whenever I can as I know how beneficial these grief groups can be. Blessings to you all ~ you're all in my prayers, too.
This may sound odd, but Precious' life-span outdid my mum as well (she died at 73 1/2 and of lung cancer, same ailment Precious was suddenly diagnosed with two months ago)! Cats have amazing life-spans. I was amazed Precious lived so long because when he was 12 (seven years ago), he went through a strange thing: fluid in the lungs, not eating, very depressed. My vet (same one) thought he was at death's door. I took him to a specialist and she did several ultrasounds and discovered he had an enlarged left ventricle, something heart-pills controlled for the next seven years. She gave those to him and to me and that meant a lot.
I still refuse to admit my cat was "old" or "elderly" at 19; to me, he was the same beautiful boy who adopted me when he was 31 days old and small enough to hold in one hand. My vet told me to be a little more realistic (he was Precious' lifetime vet) and I told him I tried to be but all of those years went by too quickly. And it does! It's so sad that time flies. But I enjoyed every second with Precious and all of the memories we had, even up until the end.
I will be adopting Patches, a four year old mostly Turkish Angora male (green eyes where Precious had blue ones) this weekend. He's healthy, beautiful and resembles Precious in many ways but he will never come close to the original!
Precious has been gone a month now. I miss him but cherish the time we shared, and the fact that I gave him the best life I possibly could. He certainly did the same for his mum!!
Lisa
I still refuse to admit my cat was "old" or "elderly" at 19; to me, he was the same beautiful boy who adopted me when he was 31 days old and small enough to hold in one hand. My vet told me to be a little more realistic (he was Precious' lifetime vet) and I told him I tried to be but all of those years went by too quickly. And it does! It's so sad that time flies. But I enjoyed every second with Precious and all of the memories we had, even up until the end.
I will be adopting Patches, a four year old mostly Turkish Angora male (green eyes where Precious had blue ones) this weekend. He's healthy, beautiful and resembles Precious in many ways but he will never come close to the original!
Precious has been gone a month now. I miss him but cherish the time we shared, and the fact that I gave him the best life I possibly could. He certainly did the same for his mum!!
Lisa
There is no way to no why some furbabies make an appearance after they pass on and others don't. I am only certain that it has nothing to do with their love for us.
I have this fantasy that Daisy will make herself known on the first anniversary of her death, but this probably won't really happen. And although I would like to see/feel her presence, it doesn't really matter because I know she is in God's care, which is better than any human can provide. And if I don't see her on the anniversary, I will surely see her later on.
Best wishes,
Daisy's Mommy
I have this fantasy that Daisy will make herself known on the first anniversary of her death, but this probably won't really happen. And although I would like to see/feel her presence, it doesn't really matter because I know she is in God's care, which is better than any human can provide. And if I don't see her on the anniversary, I will surely see her later on.
Best wishes,
Daisy's Mommy
Lisa,
Well, we have even more in common then - Sabin died of lung cancer ( at age 13 though ), although it had metastasized to the lungs much more quickly than even his oncologist had usually seen in a cat, so we never knew exactly where it had originated from.....likely his liver, though, according to earlier indications by Traditional Chinese Medicine. Within only 2 weeks from his first, sudden collapse, when nothing was showing in his x-rays at the Emerg. clinic, he rapidly got worse, then passed within 1.5 days of being terribly ill. I still pine for him when I allow myself to think about it....
As for Nissa being considered elderly, I know what you mean, I think. Even with all her conditions, she was a mighty trooper ( we also called her our Sturdy Girl ) and was still doing her best to get around to some of her fav*orite spots in the backyard, still climbing the stairs at bedtime, even though we'd JUST built a carpeted ramp for her to try to make her climb easier ( she only used it about 4 x's of her own choosing in the last week ) and still enjoying her food well enough, eating the same amounts as she had in the last few months. But she lost weight anyway, though not a whole lot........so her sudden decline was considered, well, sudden, despite me being prepared for her to leave us at any time. Even as of last summer, we still had people commenting on her spriteliness, thinking she was a young cat and gawking in disbelief when we told them she was 18 at the time. While I clearly saw the differences in her energy level, for the first time in years of worrying about it needlessly, she was still more active than many cats half her age, so I was told by several vets. In fact, every single one even commented on the fine state of her FUR, which was still plush and shiny, despite her CRF. They'd all expected to see a cat with that tell-tale 'greasy' fur, and skin and bones.....but our Nis' always surprised the heck out of them! But the vet who euthanized her ( not our regular local one, who was too busy to come out that day ) told us that cats and dogs who receive holistic, alternative care for most of their lives, versus those who get conventional care, classically do VERY well and stay at an above-average level.....until they crash, and when they do, it's most often more sudden and they plummet more rapidly than the other group. This was certainly our experience with Nissa. So, I'm still in shock over how fast we lost our girl.
And you're right - all those long years still seem to have gone by so rapidly, it's not funny. The worst thing for me is that with each loss I've suffered, my memory has been so impaired I can't remember half of what I used to about anything, including those precious moments with both of our kids. I can't tell you how many times I've lamented not having had our camcorder WAY back when, to capture both Nissa and Sabin and all the wonderful things they always did. We filmed Nissa up until the Monday before she left ( 2 days prior to ), just so we wouldn't have any regrets about stopping too soon, AND to remind me afterwards about how she'd declined and was in need of intervention....to allay all those guilty thoughts that so often follow.
I'm happy for you that you've decided to take the plunge and care for another wonderful soul. For me, I just don't know if or when I'll be capable of that again. I always intended to play it by ear, but suspected that I just couldn't. If I'm wrong, so be it - I'll rethink it if I need to. But I think I'd adopt a much older guy or girl, or both, to try and allay my fears about NOT outliving them, as we have no one who could take them in and treat them the same way as we do should we predecease them. Plus, the older ones are usually not adopted anyway, so I'd feel better about saving their life. However, we both are adamant about there being a more available local, holistic vet wherever we then are ( Nissa's distance homeopathic vet was ALWAYS available at short notice, but not our local one who was swamped with clients, she was so in demand ), so that that one, big worry will be taken care of before we would ever consider adopting again. This Mom just can't take that much consternation ever again!
Even though our girl showed remarkable staying power, I think her Mom has aged an entire decade in just the last year alone! Just today, I picked up the last roll of film that had pictures of her. The fact that there even were pictures of anything else is unusual, and reminds me of how I'd been preparing for this ahead of time. I'm quite sure the developer has thought I was one nutty woman, with nothing but pics of her cat for 6 years running! ( not that I really care ) And unbeknownst to me, my husband had made sure he took a couple of me and her asleep together in the morning, cuddled up close under the covers.....thank goodness he did, though it killed me to discover these. But what shocked me the most was how NORMAL she still looked, even though the last of those shots were only taken in her last few days. She didn't appear to look ill at all! So it is hitting me anew again......HOW can my girl actually be GONE?!?!?!? Isn't that her, peeking over the bathtub's edge, still looking like a kitten ( even though one eye no longer reflected light due to the retinal damage from the high blood pressure in March of this year )??? I always told her that no matter how old she was chronologically, she was ALWAYS my baby girl and always would be in my heart.......it's how I always chose to view her, and so that's how she acted. Now I have no one to keep ME young at heart. Oh gawd, it's so lonely without her, I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up ever again.
I see I've rambled on, and my husband has already gone to bed, so time to stop again, at least for today. And me.....lay my head on the pillow I've shared with my gal for so many wonderful years, and clutch her other pillow to my breast, hoping for a visitation dream and not another nightmare, or for her to send me her Heaven-sent, Heavenly scent, as she'd promised...... 
Well, we have even more in common then - Sabin died of lung cancer ( at age 13 though ), although it had metastasized to the lungs much more quickly than even his oncologist had usually seen in a cat, so we never knew exactly where it had originated from.....likely his liver, though, according to earlier indications by Traditional Chinese Medicine. Within only 2 weeks from his first, sudden collapse, when nothing was showing in his x-rays at the Emerg. clinic, he rapidly got worse, then passed within 1.5 days of being terribly ill. I still pine for him when I allow myself to think about it....
As for Nissa being considered elderly, I know what you mean, I think. Even with all her conditions, she was a mighty trooper ( we also called her our Sturdy Girl ) and was still doing her best to get around to some of her fav*orite spots in the backyard, still climbing the stairs at bedtime, even though we'd JUST built a carpeted ramp for her to try to make her climb easier ( she only used it about 4 x's of her own choosing in the last week ) and still enjoying her food well enough, eating the same amounts as she had in the last few months. But she lost weight anyway, though not a whole lot........so her sudden decline was considered, well, sudden, despite me being prepared for her to leave us at any time. Even as of last summer, we still had people commenting on her spriteliness, thinking she was a young cat and gawking in disbelief when we told them she was 18 at the time. While I clearly saw the differences in her energy level, for the first time in years of worrying about it needlessly, she was still more active than many cats half her age, so I was told by several vets. In fact, every single one even commented on the fine state of her FUR, which was still plush and shiny, despite her CRF. They'd all expected to see a cat with that tell-tale 'greasy' fur, and skin and bones.....but our Nis' always surprised the heck out of them! But the vet who euthanized her ( not our regular local one, who was too busy to come out that day ) told us that cats and dogs who receive holistic, alternative care for most of their lives, versus those who get conventional care, classically do VERY well and stay at an above-average level.....until they crash, and when they do, it's most often more sudden and they plummet more rapidly than the other group. This was certainly our experience with Nissa. So, I'm still in shock over how fast we lost our girl.
And you're right - all those long years still seem to have gone by so rapidly, it's not funny. The worst thing for me is that with each loss I've suffered, my memory has been so impaired I can't remember half of what I used to about anything, including those precious moments with both of our kids. I can't tell you how many times I've lamented not having had our camcorder WAY back when, to capture both Nissa and Sabin and all the wonderful things they always did. We filmed Nissa up until the Monday before she left ( 2 days prior to ), just so we wouldn't have any regrets about stopping too soon, AND to remind me afterwards about how she'd declined and was in need of intervention....to allay all those guilty thoughts that so often follow.
I'm happy for you that you've decided to take the plunge and care for another wonderful soul. For me, I just don't know if or when I'll be capable of that again. I always intended to play it by ear, but suspected that I just couldn't. If I'm wrong, so be it - I'll rethink it if I need to. But I think I'd adopt a much older guy or girl, or both, to try and allay my fears about NOT outliving them, as we have no one who could take them in and treat them the same way as we do should we predecease them. Plus, the older ones are usually not adopted anyway, so I'd feel better about saving their life. However, we both are adamant about there being a more available local, holistic vet wherever we then are ( Nissa's distance homeopathic vet was ALWAYS available at short notice, but not our local one who was swamped with clients, she was so in demand ), so that that one, big worry will be taken care of before we would ever consider adopting again. This Mom just can't take that much consternation ever again!
Even though our girl showed remarkable staying power, I think her Mom has aged an entire decade in just the last year alone! Just today, I picked up the last roll of film that had pictures of her. The fact that there even were pictures of anything else is unusual, and reminds me of how I'd been preparing for this ahead of time. I'm quite sure the developer has thought I was one nutty woman, with nothing but pics of her cat for 6 years running! ( not that I really care ) And unbeknownst to me, my husband had made sure he took a couple of me and her asleep together in the morning, cuddled up close under the covers.....thank goodness he did, though it killed me to discover these. But what shocked me the most was how NORMAL she still looked, even though the last of those shots were only taken in her last few days. She didn't appear to look ill at all! So it is hitting me anew again......HOW can my girl actually be GONE?!?!?!? Isn't that her, peeking over the bathtub's edge, still looking like a kitten ( even though one eye no longer reflected light due to the retinal damage from the high blood pressure in March of this year )??? I always told her that no matter how old she was chronologically, she was ALWAYS my baby girl and always would be in my heart.......it's how I always chose to view her, and so that's how she acted. Now I have no one to keep ME young at heart. Oh gawd, it's so lonely without her, I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up ever again.
I see I've rambled on, and my husband has already gone to bed, so time to stop again, at least for today. And me.....lay my head on the pillow I've shared with my gal for so many wonderful years, and clutch her other pillow to my breast, hoping for a visitation dream and not another nightmare, or for her to send me her Heaven-sent, Heavenly scent, as she'd promised......
Daisy's Mommy,
I wish I had your patience! But now I'm finding that with each passing day ( 15 now ) I'm yearning more and more for Nissa's presence here. Every cell, every molecule in my body is screaming out to see her again. I seem to have slipped into what they call "magical thinking", where I think if I just do this, do that, think this, think that...I'll see her again or I'll come back in the house or a room and there she'll be, just like normal....an especially powerful draw in the mornings, when I'd spend a good 40 minutes or more just getting her complicated breakie put together and warming her pillows for her to lay on them in my bathroom until I'd bring her food to her....then up and down the stairs several times to rewarm &/or change flavours so that she'd eat enough. Now, all I have to do is get up and take care of myself. I remember this feeling from Sabin's passing, but now I don't have Nissa to turn to, to hug and wet with tears in my sorrow, frustration and disbelief.
This is sheer hell and I can't breathe properly anymore when I think about just slogging through this, somehow. How can I possibly wait years and years, decades maybe, until I can touch her again, touch both of them again?! The "honkers" (Canada Geese) are starting to call outside and the air is getting chillier in the mornings....a sure sign of fall, a season I've hated ever since Sabin started acting odd before he got so ill and died in Feb. Even with Nissa here, it used to make me sooooo melancholy ( same as Spring, when the geese would arrive again, and honk up a storm, with no Boo-Boo, his #1 nickname, there to officially 'open up' the season ). And now?......no ANYBODY to take me through this automatic depression! I guess my feelings are slowly returning and now I don't know how in the world I'm going to handle them. The neighbourhood cats aren't even coming around as much as I thought and hoped they would, to help me by letting me pick them up and give them a short cuddle. I feel so utterly alone, I want to scream but don't even have the energy for it. I just want my girl back, but as she was before she was so beset with disease. Where's that time machine when you need it????
I wish I had your patience! But now I'm finding that with each passing day ( 15 now ) I'm yearning more and more for Nissa's presence here. Every cell, every molecule in my body is screaming out to see her again. I seem to have slipped into what they call "magical thinking", where I think if I just do this, do that, think this, think that...I'll see her again or I'll come back in the house or a room and there she'll be, just like normal....an especially powerful draw in the mornings, when I'd spend a good 40 minutes or more just getting her complicated breakie put together and warming her pillows for her to lay on them in my bathroom until I'd bring her food to her....then up and down the stairs several times to rewarm &/or change flavours so that she'd eat enough. Now, all I have to do is get up and take care of myself. I remember this feeling from Sabin's passing, but now I don't have Nissa to turn to, to hug and wet with tears in my sorrow, frustration and disbelief.
This is sheer hell and I can't breathe properly anymore when I think about just slogging through this, somehow. How can I possibly wait years and years, decades maybe, until I can touch her again, touch both of them again?! The "honkers" (Canada Geese) are starting to call outside and the air is getting chillier in the mornings....a sure sign of fall, a season I've hated ever since Sabin started acting odd before he got so ill and died in Feb. Even with Nissa here, it used to make me sooooo melancholy ( same as Spring, when the geese would arrive again, and honk up a storm, with no Boo-Boo, his #1 nickname, there to officially 'open up' the season ). And now?......no ANYBODY to take me through this automatic depression! I guess my feelings are slowly returning and now I don't know how in the world I'm going to handle them. The neighbourhood cats aren't even coming around as much as I thought and hoped they would, to help me by letting me pick them up and give them a short cuddle. I feel so utterly alone, I want to scream but don't even have the energy for it. I just want my girl back, but as she was before she was so beset with disease. Where's that time machine when you need it????
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