I just need to write. I feel so alone today, but know I am not here. I took part in the Candle Ceremony last night. Last night, I just felt emotionally empty. So much loss and pain there, as there is here. The ceremony started, but the prayers went by so fast, I could not read everything, so I felt as though so much was lost. I did my best. I did go and print out the prayers, so I could read them better, and that helped. I just felt so numb. I can't really find the words to describe how I felt, maybe hopeless? I don't know. I guess I felt that I had cried all my tears, and felt emotionless.
Today I got up, and it was a different story. On my way to work, I just started crying for Scooter. It is such a beautiful day today. At least I managed to pull myself together for work.
During lunch, I went outside and looked up at the sky, and I had to run inside to get my cell phone to take a picture. So clearly in the clouds, you could see the head, body and wings of an angel. Her wings were made up of beautiful clouds that looked like cotton balls. You could even see clouds that formed praying hands. I was grateful that there were two other girls out there because they saw the angel too. Not only that, one of the girls said, look out ahead of the angel, there are clouds that have formed a cross. Sure enough, there was the cross.
I went back inside, and my husband called. I thought he had gotten over Scooters loss, because he didn't talk about him anymore, but he said that he had been thinking about Scooter and how he would put his head in his arm pit(why I don't know), and some of the other things Scooter would do. This brought up the tears still left in my heart for Scooter.
The angel was amazing though, and got me to wondering if she was a sign, that the Candle Ceremony Prayers had been heard. Or, maybe because I've been feeling lost, she was a sign that I am not alone or lost at all.
I want to cry so bad,, but am trying to hold it together. My new kitten goes for his first vet appointment this afternoon. I have not been back to the vet's office since we picked up Scooter's ashes. I'm dreading going back there. I have to go alone, since my husband will still be working. If I see the vet that put Scooter to sleep, I will lose it for sure, let alone, just being there. I will see the room where Scooter was sent off to be at peace, and know it will be so hard not to cry. I just want to let out this awful cry right now, one that I feel cannot be consoled. If there is anything that can possibly help me, is to try and remember the angel in the sky and the cross. Writing here is always helpful, and writing how I feel, is a way of releasing that pain.
I suppose I feel guilt at laughing at little Marcel's antics, but I have a feeling that Scooter would like him. After all, Marcel watches TV, just like Scooter used to do. And, Marcel just loves to try and dive into my bowl of cereal, just like Scooter would try and do. I am an absoulute mess right now. I know, there will be better days ahead though. I guess today is one of those emotional ones.
I think I'll just take it easy, until it's time for the vet, I don't seem to have the energy to do much of anything else.
Scooter's Mom

Hi, I can really understand what you're going through. And yes, I think the angel was a sign of comfort from sweet Scooter. My Little Girl sent me signs, too, especially when I needed extra comfort. And then I adopted other needy furkids, in honor of Little Girl. Your Marcel is lucky to have found such love with you---and Scooter is proud of you.

Write any time.
Love, and prayers of comfort,
Kathy

DEAR SCOOTER'S MOM
I CAN JUST FEEL THE PAIN YOU ARE GOING THRU BY YOU MESSAGE. HAVING LOST MY DOG RAGGS JULY 5TH. IT DOES SEEM TO HELP TO SIT DOWN AND WRITE IT SEEMS TO LET A LITTLE PRESSURE OFF. IAM SO GLAD YOU SAWS SIGNS FROM SCOOTER AND I HOPE YOUR PAIN WILL EASE SOON. MISSING YOUR FURBABY WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU BUT THE FRESH PAIN WILL END SOMETIMES IT TAKES LONGER. I KNOW HOW YOU FELT RE YOUR HUSBAND MY HUSBAND DOES NOT TALK ABOUT RAGGS BUT HE MISSES HIM ALOT. RAGGS WAS MY SHADOW AND HE LOVED ME AS MUCH AS ANYONE EVER HAS AND THAT IS WHAT MAKES IT HARD WHEN OUR FURBABIES LEAVE US. I FET SO ALL ALONE WHEN IT DIED AND FELT LIKE I WAS THE ONLY ONE SUFFERING UNTIL I FOUND THIS SITE AND WHEN I FEEL BAD IT SEEMS TO HELP JUST TO WRITE MY FEELINGS DOWN. THINKING OF YOU AND ALL OF THE PAIN WE ALL ARE FEELING.

RAGGS MOMMY JOANNE

trish,
cry, cry, cry to your hearts content and laugh as much as you can!! it's a gift.
debbie

The Cloud Angel was a blessing from your furbaby!

Plus, you have a new one who needs care and compassion as well!

Challenge yourself to remember a happy thought, get into the practice of seeking the happy memories and the less than happy ending will fade from memory and be replaced with strong memories of great times the two of you shared.

Peace be with you.

Thank you all for your kind words and support. It really does help. I guess I needed that Angel on my shoulder today. I took my new furbaby Marcel to the vet for his first visit, and all was well. He is a healthy little guy. The only down thing, was, his first visit was in the room that we had to have Scooter put to sleep in. It was so difficult for me, that table and all those sad memories of that moment. But, I think Scooter would want me to look at it as a new Beginning, difficult, but, maybe the angel was a sign for that too.

DEAR SCOOTERS MOM,

I HOPE MARCELS VET VISIT WENT OK. THANKS FOR THE KIND WORDS. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT FEELING GUILTY WHEN YOU LAUGH. THAT HAPPENED TO ME TODAY WITH CHARLIE'S SISTER DARLA. SHE JUST DOES THE SILLIEST THINGS AND I CAUGHT MYSELF LAUGHING AND THEN CRYING. WELL I HOPE YOU ARE DOING OK.

MICHELLE

What a beautiful sign. Enjoy Marcel, laugh , be happy and know Scooter is watching and happy.
I know how you feel about the vets office. Our vet has a very small clinic so it would be the same vet and I think there are only two rooms. They were all so sweet and even sent us a sympathy card. Even so I have thought about changing vets. Fear of being put in the room where everything happened. It's to bad because she is a good vet, we'll see.
I hope things get easier with more happy days than sad. You will probly always have those bad days when the tears come, and thats ok.
There is nothing wrong with our grieving, and missing our furbabies. We have to move past the dibilitating grief and find a way to enjoy life. It sounds like your off to a good start with your new baby. Nina

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Scooter's Mom
I too am without my boy Whisky for about six weeks now. He died on July 9th and his twin brother, Frisky died on August 16th, five short weeks later. I know how sad you must be. My boys were almost 18. It is so painful to be without them both now---and unimaginable that this could happen all at once. I too feel sooooo lost!
My boys died at home but both had a very hard time their last month or so. My Whisky had bowel cancer, but we had a miracle take place, and despite the fact that the vet had given him a few months at best back in March of 2003, he went on Prednisone and except for minor bouts, he was well until this January when his abdomen began to grow quickly. He never seemed to suffer though but he couldnt walk towards the end because his belly was so big and hard for his little back legs.
Frisky on the other hand, we didnt even know was so ill. I thought he was just very depressed when Whisky left as he wouldnt eat right. It got worse and so I finally had the vet do blood work and they found reason to believe he had cancer and the beginning of renal failure. He had lost weight, but we never thought it was cancer. After Whisky died, I think he just didnt have the fight in him anymore and gave up---gave in to the disease and it flourished so quickly.
I am glad you have a kitten to love---and in time I am sure he will be the light at the end of the storm for you. I send my sympathy and hope you are doing better each day.