I am so sad. I said goodbye to my 17 year old beautiful kitty 4 days ago. I don't know how I will ever get over this. She and her brother PT are my soul mates, I brought them home when they were just 6 weeks old. I know everyone must write this, but they are truly exceptional cats - part siamese and almost part human. I read some of the excerpts from My Cat Saved My Life and that could very well be the title of my story too.
They've been thru so much with me, moves from coast to coast, realtionships, job loss, emotional highs and lows, and the biggest change of all - becoming a Mommy to my daughter just 1 year ago. I worried about their adjustment at first. I never wanted them to feel as if they were second best after so many years of such love and trust. And both cats adjusted beautifully...and Ella even more so. She loved my daughter...trying to comfort her in the night when she cried and sleeping as close to her as possible. You see my daughter has been thru so much . We adopted her at the age of 14 months and she had lost her birth Mom and then her foster Mom before coming to us...and her transition was difficult.
Ella's purpose in life seemed to be giving comfort and she seemed renewed when we brought Madeline home...a new human to love!!! I was so proud of her.
And now I've had to say goodbye. The steady deterioration of kidney disease left her incontinent in the end, lying in her urine in a hunched over pose 24 hours a day...never sleeping, but always purring if we came to find her in the nest she had made far away from the family.
I feel so horribly guilty for not being able to spend time in the end the way I wanted to. Having a very demanding 2 year old meant Mommy could only go to Ella when the baby was sleeping or when my husband was home. I tried to keep her comfortable with hot water bottles and fresh food and water and dry woolies to lie on and as much attention as I could give her. But it wasn't enough. And when I finally made the horrible decision to end her discomfort I read as much as I could so that I wouldn't make any mistakes or have any regrets. I had read about sedating kittys that weren't good at being handled and knew this was best for her. We had decided to not to torture her with sub Q injections and hormones because she always hated being given medicine and I had promised her all her life that I wouldn't keep her alive with needles and pills. Her litter mate is very different and handles beautifully and we were very lucky to haev kept him alive at the age of 13 after a terrible car accident. We ahd to syringe feed him and keep him immoblized for 3 months after 2 surgeries.
So my husband called my vet and made the appointment and I made sure he called back and was specific about sedation. Do you know where this is going? It was horrible and I will never get over the horror of that moment for the rest of my life. My vet showed up and when he started to pull out his bag and stuff I said you are going to sedate her right? Although she was sick she was alert and eating and still purring and I was back and forth so many times about what to do. He said no and that he didn't believe in sedating pets prior to euthanasia because of the possible complications with low blood pressure and finding a vein. And so because I had already come so far, and was so afraid and very alone I agreed to hold my beloved Ella down while he injected her and for that I am so sad. I will never get over the feeling of holding my baby as she struggled against the needle. I was so traumatized that I begged the cremation facility if I could go and see her one last time, and they were so kind. And so I held my baby and read her a letter I had written apologizing and begging for her forgiveness. I had her cremated with the letter and a picture of PT.
And so now I have to function everyday and be a Mom and I am dying inside. My daughter is missing her too. Asking where she is everyday and waking up crying in the night saying a "piece is missing". She too ahs had so much loss already in her short life.
I feel as if this is a confession of a sort because there is so much guilt surrounding Ella's passing and the struggle and also I wonder if only I had waited a little longer...maybe I could have been that the time was right but I felt so horrible having her lie all day and night most of the time alone and looking so uncomfortable. Because of the odour she had (called uremetic?)my other cat had stopped sleeping with her after 17 years of them being inseperable. I should have had the courage to stop the Vet and call it off. So horrible. Please never have this happen to you. Demand a sedative for your pet. I don't know how I will ever do this again for her fur brother and sister Lucy the dog. I only wish Ella hadn't been the one to teach me this lesson.
I am switching vets this week and interviewing them to see what their practices are. This guy had been my vet for 15 years and had always been kind and supportive and had helped us thru PT's lengthy recovery. I had no idea that this could have happened.
Anyway, sweet Ella if you are listening tonight please know that Mommy loves you very much and is so very sorry. Please don't think that the way we parted company is any indication of the love and loyalty and gratitude I have for you. I will truly never get over this. I am forever changed and emotionally ruined.

I am so sorry for what happened to sweet little Ella. I know the pain as I took my boy, Oscar to the vet yesterday to be put to sleep.
The loss is awful,but I hope you can be better to yourself and let go of the guilt. Like Ella, Oscar struggled a little with the shot, he also hated shots and visits to the vet. I held his head in my hands telling him to just look at me. It was surreal on how fast it was over. You have to realize the momments it took of discomfort for the shot are nothing compared to the hours of pain, and discomfort she was going through. You gave a supreme gift to your baby. Mourn but don't torture youself. Like me you didn't make the decision to make your life easier, or because you didn't want to be bothered. We did it because we love them. Oscar was still able to eat, to go potty outside, and get around. The tumor was invading his mouth, neck, and chest. He had lost his joy and was miserable putting a brave face on for me. I was so scared when I walked into the vets office and every step of the way I kept debating, but I did the right thing and so did you.
My thoughts are with you and your daughter. Don't focus on the few minutes at the end, focus on the ggod times. Nina

Oh, I am so sorry to hear of your pain and anguish. Your love and care for Ella are so clear. Please do not feel bad, you helped ease her pain at the end. She knew you were taking care of her. Euthansia is the last act of love. 17 yrs is a long life. I understand - I love my buddy of 18 yrs.

By having the courgage to share your story, you may help others here prepare and ask questions of their vets....my vet did give my Cleo a sedative...

Don't beat yourself up. You did nothing wrong but deeply care about Ella. Try slowly to stop replaying how it ended, but think of the peace you gave her and your happy memories.

Let us know how you are doing.

So many things in your story brought me to tears as I can relate to them all too well. I too have so many regrets surrounding the way my Sasha's euthanasia went. So many others here talk of how their pets were so brave at the vet. How they usually tremble with fear but on that particular day they didn't. It was just the opposite for me and that haunts me. I actually used to work there, and my Sasha would go to work with me, and she was never nervous. On that terrible day, she seemed nervous and was panting and drooling. My husband thinks it was mostly because she was in pain....I just don't know what to think. We did have our Sasha sedated...but it now carries it's own source of guilt. My vet was a friend of mine, like I said earlier, I had actually worked for her before I became pregnant, and she was talking to me (trying to keep me preoccupied, knowing I was struggling to remain calm for Sasha's sake) while she gave Sasha the sedative in the muscle without discussion. Sasha cried out from the sedative, which burns terribly when injected into the muscle. My plan was to have an I.V. catheter put into the vein so that wouldn't happen. I was also upset because it works almost instantly and I didn't get to say the things I wanted to say to her before she was out. I know my vet/friend was only trying to make it easier on me...but that wasn't her call to make and it has left me very bitter toward her. I haven't spoken to her since that day and I have since found another vet. It is also very hard for me because, although Sasha was fully sedated, as the vet injected the lethal solution, I could here a faint whining coming from my girl. Was she trying to say "NO!! I"M NOT READY YET!!" Just typing it out makes me feel sick to my stomach....did I do it too soon? God, I hate this. My great Dane had to have a 'knee replacement' several months ago and they used a fairly new medication on her to help heal the cartilage. It is used for arthritic dogs mostly and is considered a miracle drug of sorts (unfortunately, because of its cost it isn't readily used much). Now I'm left with the thoughts of whether I could have kept her around long enough to maybe try that drug on her...maybe it could have helped. My husband keeps reminding me that Sasha was 16 years old...I couldn't keep her alive forever...I know that, but even one more day would have meant the world to me. Now it has been 2 long years and the memory of that day continues to haunt me. I hope she knows how much I love her, and miss her..I always have and I always will.
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with what I know to be an unbearable guilt. I hope for you it will lesson in time.....
your friend in grief,
Kim

Dear Ellas Mommy,

Please dont carry such a weight on your shoulders. God wont let you do anything that is not his will. We all have an instinct in us to know when the time is right....I dont know how I did it either because looking back 3 days it all happened so suddenly without even thinking about it....I just knew .... then when he went to sleep in my lap for the last time it hit me.

My baby lived for 23 years for me as long as his little body could hold him.....your babys soul just outgrew his body much sooner then my baby did.

Please know that Ella is fine and if you have no other people souls in heaven ....she's a priveledged kitty as she'll jump right in gods lap....

have faith,

Pepe's daddy.

Dear Ella's Mommy

Pepe's daddy could not have said it any better, or beautifully. You did everything for Ella out of love. Just know she is at peace, and not suffering any more. We will see our beloved furbabies again. I truly believe that. It would not be Heaven without them.
We are all creatures of God, and I believe there is a place for all of us to be together again. This is just my belief.
Take care of yourself, and there is no need to carry your burden of grief alone. There are so many people here who will support you, and I feel your family has also.

Scooter's Mommy

DEAR ELLAS MOM, SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. I HAD TO HAVE MY 151/2YR OLD BICHON DOG RAGGS EUTHANIZED AND I HATE THAT WORD I LIKE PUT TO SLEEP BETTER. I THINK WE ALWAYS WISH WE COULD HAVE DONE THINGS DIFFRENT. MY VET GAVE HIM A SEDATIVE FIRST WHICH HE YELPED AT BUT HE ALWAYS YELLED WHEN ANYTHING WAS DONE TO HIM JUST LIKE HIS HUMAN MOM. BUT THE ACTUAL LAST SHOT WENT WELL AND HE SLIPPED AWAY EASY BUT I FET HE WAS TAKEN FROM ME TOO QUICK I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO HAVE SPENT MORE TIME WITH HIM BUT I WAS SO UPSET THAT I GUESS THE VET FELT HE NEEDED TO TAKE HIM AWAY. WELL TIME DOES HELP IT WAS JULY5TH 2006 AND I DO HAVE HIS ASHES IN MY BEDROOM AND I FEEL LIKE I BROUGHT HIM HOME BUT OF COURSE I WOULD LOVE HIM BACK AND WELL. ELLA LIVED A LONG LIFE AS DID RAGGS BUT NOT LONG ENOUGH.BY THE WAY ELLA WAS BEAUTIFUL. I WILL GET A PIC OF MY RAGGS ON SITE AS SOON AS I CAN. PEACE TO YOU ELLASMOM.
RAGGSIE'S MOM

Please please don't feel guilty. Sweet Ella didn't know what kind of needle she was getting. Only you knew that. She's had shots before and probably had blood drawn. This was no different for her and wouldn't it have been more traumatic for her to have2 needles instead of just one? I've heard that animals are only sedated if they are very restless or agitated. I had to euthanize my sweet 20 year old Siamese girl five weeks ago tomorrow. I wasn't as brave as you and was not with her at the end, but the vet told me the process is so quick it in many cases is over before the needle is withdrawn. I know what you are going through and I think we all feel a certain amount of guilt in some form about having to make this decision. My guilt centers around the fact that in addition to making the decision, I wish I had been calmer during my last moments with her. It must have upset her that her last time in my arms I was practically hysterical. Beautiful Ella is at peace now and just remember this was your final act of love for her.