[AS YOU CAN SEE, THIS IS AN OLD THREAD, ORIGINALLY POSTED ON MAY 10, 2004 --ONE OF MY FIRST POSTS ABOUT HANNAH] --

Three weeks ago today, I had Hannah put to sleep. I have worried and worried that I didn't do the right thing. When I got home from work last night, I finally went searching on the internet. I was afraid that my fears would be confirmed, and I almost didn't do the search, but I knew I had to. My worst fears were confirmed. I am just sick in heart and mind. I don't think anything can help me now. "Poor, poor pitiful me," but it IS all just so sickening to me. I am now even more disgusted with myself. Poor, poor little Hannah. . .

I did not know that a heart murmur was treatable. I was told by Dr. B that Hannah could stay on antibiotics and pain meds. I asked him what te heart murmur could do, and he said she could have a heart attack or a stroke. That is what really scared me. I did not know that instead of the pain meds, I could have just given aspirin. I knew that the pain meds could be dangerous. I was not told there were meds for the heart murmur, diet, etc. He did say although she wasn't really a good candidate for surgery (for her teeth) that it could be done and she might just come out fine. He said he'd recently had a successful surgery on an old dog. I was afraid she might have the surgery and then be sicker because of it and suffer even more and then maybe not make it.

I did give Hannah the antibiotics faithfully for a period of a month or so. I did treat her little right eye with ointment faithfully for probably 4 months or more. I wiped her eyes, wiped her mouth, trimmed her hair. I carried her in my arms around the house. I gently picked her up and put her in the bed or down, when she wanted. Sometimes this was 4 or 5 times a night. Just a couple of months ago, she would wake me in the night eating her little dry dog food, crunching in the night. I would smile even though I was tired. I never minded any of these things. But why oh why didn't I find out if there was more I could do???

I do not ever remember having been told that an older dog should be taken to the vet more than once a year for thorough checkups. I took Hannah in for her shots and we got the vaccines and rabies at different times since she was so small. I also brought her in to have her nails clipped and "bumps" checked when I found one or to get the ones she had checked.

It is true I don't remember having asked if there was anything that could be done for the heart murmur. Now I find that when it was diagnosed a few or several years ago, there were things I could, should have done. I don't remember if I ever said I would do anything and everything to keep Hannah alive and well.
Maybe the vets just assumed I was not willing or didn't want to do more. I should have told them!

I know that I said she was still eating, still wagging her tail, was still happy to see me, and still liked to go out. She loved to visit with other people and see other dogs. I now am just again devastated because I believe I should not have had Hannah put to sleep when I did. I know she was feeling bad. She had the heavy breathing a couple of times, some coughing and some spitting up. Her tooth was bad, but when the last vet looked at her, he didn't say, and i didn't ask, was the tooth better since she had been taking the antibiotics. I know it was better because she had stopped the "bubbling" around her mouth. Before I could see that she wanted down, she even jumped down off the bed twice after she had been taking the pain meds, so I know she was feeling better.

I listened to my brother and a friend of mine who both said Hannah really looked like she was in pain. I listened to the vets. I prayed for signs. I never ever once went to the library or bookstore or internet and looked any of this up. It was only after I had her put to sleep that I went on the internet about all of this. Yet, I have searched on the internet about my health, I have worked on Ebay and other sites to see about the value of some THINGS I have, etc. But never once did I go check out this. I did go to one site and make a post about maybe having her put to sleep.

I had taken Hannah to my aunt's and she almost walked into the wall in the bathroom (which she was not familiar with). Yet here, at home, Hannah got around okay even though she didn't see that well. I even put up a cloth covering our door from living room to bedroom to keep out the cold. Hannah immediately learned that she could walk right into the cloth and into one room from another!

I would have done anything for Hannah. I cooked for her. I tried to find things she liked. I probably made everything worse by the food I did give her, because I would just give her just about anything she liked, especially in the last few months. If I had known, if I had gone on the internet, etc., I might could have found healthy foods she would have liked. Why was I never told there were things I could do to help her, instead of having her put to sleep? Why did I not make every effort to find that out?

Why only after I came home from having my precious little baby put to sleep did I start searching? Right when I got home, I said, I could have still had her! That seemed selfish at the time, but now it's probably true, I could still have her, and she might be feeling better!!!

I almost had her put to sleep on the Saturday before, because she seemed in such pain. She was shaking, etc., and I didn't know what was wrong. But she has done that shaking thing many times before. It was then that I made the appt. just to put her to sleep on Monday. I didn't even make an appt. for her to be checked out because I DIDN'T WANT TO SPEND MORE MONEY for someone to tell me the same thing! Why did I not search and search the world for someone to tell me she could be helped???

I do not know the answer!! All I know is in my mind, I was afraid she was going to die and die soon mainly because of the heart murmur. I did not want her to die here all alone and in agony. In retrospect, she was sleeping well every night I got home, even though I worried while I was gone to work. I was so selfish and so afraid that I had my precious little Hannah put to sleep before it was time, I do believe. Even though the last vet told me I was doing the right thing. He really couldn't know, could he? He didn't know Hannah, and had never seen her before. One of the worst things of all is that I thought she was 17 years old. Again, after I got her put to sleep I went and looked it up in a journal where I knew I had written down when I got her and the date she was born. Lo and behold, she was born in 1988, and she was only 15 years old, not 17!! That might have made a difference if I had told the vets she was only 15. Fifteen is not that old.

If I hadn't moved so many times or if I had kept on taking her to the same vet over the last five years or so, a vet would have known her, and he might have concluded not to put her to sleep.

How in the world could I have done this to the "person" I loved most and who loved me most? Now, she is gone, I really did nothing to help her. I knew that she needed exercise, but I also knew she hurt. I did not give her enough exercise at all! Why did I not check out every alternative to diets, medicine, etc. Other people do! Why didn't I? God only knows how much longer she might have lived if I had done the things I should have done. How can I say I loved her more than anything when I did nothing to see how she might be saved. How will I live with myself. Hannah is gone, and I cannot bring her back. I will never look into those sweet, precious, loving eyes or hold her tiny body next to me. She is gone because I put her away. I did. The one who was supposed to protect and love her, keep her from harm.

I know I didn't want to let her get so sick that she couldn't walk, etc., but I don't think she was anywhere near that point. What, oh what have I done to my little girl? I now find no real justification for what I have done. None at all. I do not know how I can ever forgive myself. Hannah is gone because of me. I always thought I'd take her to the moon if that would help to keep her here with me, but I didn't. No, I didn't. It really can't be said that I did my best. I did not do my best -- nowhere near. I was lazy, cheap, self-absorbed, panicked, and afraid. I just did not do the research I should have done. I did not ask the questions I should have asked. I really thought I loved her, but did I really love her?

Some people are so kind-hearted that they could probably come up with something to say other than "Yes, it's true. It's all here in black and white." I cannot see how anyone could honestly come to any other conclusion than the ones I have made. So there are probably no answers to console me now. As far as I can see, I don't deserve any consolation. But I must be looking for some! I can never make this right or okay. That's why the first thing I said when I got home was I could still have her. I could still have had her if I had kept searching. Put this behind me is probably the only answer, but how in the world can I do that? I wished when the vet game Hannah the shot, he could just have given me one too. And now I certainly do! That's no answer either, I know that. But I will always know that I was wrong, that I didn't give her my best, and I'm not sure that I will ever have any peace in my heart or ever be able to forgive myself. I took a precious, precious little life, held her in my arms while it was done, buried her in the ground myself and I, I, was so wrong.

Marcia,

You are going to kill yourself with all the second guessing. You are right, feeling the way you do, maybe no one can help you NOT feel guilty, even though I feel you did everything you could have done, at the time it happened, with the information you had. All we have is the present, and at that present moment, you did the most loving humane thing for your baby. She depended on you to make those decisions, and you did. This reminds me of the times I say I wish I could be 20 years old again, but know what I know NOW. It's fruitless.

Maybe you could go talk to someone professionally to help you with this guilt. Sometimes they have the tools to answer some of the most obvious questions about guilt and grieving, and why we second guess all that we did.

I wish you much peace and serenity and forgiveness of yourself. I believe your baby Hannah is smiling down, happy and content, and without pain and suffering.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

cindy

BabyHannah'sMom - PLEASE don't do this to yourself!

I am literally at work, crying, after reading your post.

It is terrible enough that we have to make the decision to put our furbabies to sleep, DO NOT DRIVE YOURSELF INSANE WITH THE GUILT AND THE SECOND GUESSING.

Okay - YOU feel that you didn't do enough for Hannah, right? How would you have felt if you had not put her to sleep, and you came home from work one day and she was in the middle of a heart attack, or if she had died - alone - while you were at work?

My heart is broken too about my Phoenix - yes, we COULD have tried to keep her alive with a feeding tube, we COULD have treated her pneumonia EVERY TIME she got it. But, as much as my heart is shattered, I felt at the time we made the decision, and I still feel that that would have been more selfishness for ME not to have to let her go 2 weeks ago than it would be a benefit to Phoenix.

That's what I'm trying to get across to you. DO NOT Feel that you sent Hannah to the Bridge too early. Be proud of yourself and take some tiny bit of comfort in the fact that you were UNSELFISH enough and LOVE Hannah enough to ensure that she would NOT suffer on this earth because of YOUR desires.

Does that make sense? Sweetie, you can drive yourself insane with this guilt and there is NO reason to do that! PLEASE stop torturing yourself!



Jan

Hannah's Mom,

I don't have the words to make you feel better or to take the guilt you are feeling. What I do have is the sum of my experience having dealt with similar issues. My Snoops was 16.5 when I had to let him go ... he had a brain tumor and a heart murmer among other things. Here is what I learned: Firstly, whether Hannah was 15 or 17 does not make any difference in the treatment. My dog was only 15 or so when he started getting ill and the vet told me then he was probably too old for surgery. So, please stop torturing yourself over those two years ... most likely the answers you received would have been the same. 15 for a pup is still pretty old.

Second, you can read all you want on the net about specific illnesses (I know I have read everything there is to read about brain tumors, kidney failure, thyroid condidtions etc) but what made your Hannah unique was the sum of all of her issues. Yes a heart murmer is treatable but whether this was a good option for her you don't know. You have to trust the vet and what the vet was telling you at the time. Most vets will not put a dog down (particularly one like Hannah who was very obviously loved) if that is not the right thing to do. The vet would have found some way to let you know there were other options.

Third, the guilt you are feeling is perfectly normal. All of us who have been in your shoes and yes a great deal of us have have all experienced the I should have and I could haves. It's hard not to do that when you have lost something so precious. However, you also need to know that what you did for Hannah was done out of love for her. To let her go and be at peace was the most unselfish thing you could have done. You took Hannah's pain onto yourself. You did what was best for Hannah not what was best for you.

I wish I had the magic words to take the guilt away ... I really truely do as I would use them not on you but on everyone here (myself included) to wash away the guilt and the doubts. I still have doubts and guilt 8 months later but I have learned through this site that it is OK and it is OK.

Hannah is at peace now ... she is waiting for you at the bridge and she will be there when your time comes. I believe that and until then she will be silently looking over your shoulder and taking care of you.

I am deeply sorry for your loss. It is obvious to me that Hannah was loved and loved well. If this were not the case, then you would not be feeling as upset as you do.

Hugs,
Beth

14 months ago I had Jude put to sleep, I had not slept with my husband for months choosing to sleep with Jude who preferred to sleep in the livingroom.

The vet, my brother the man down the field Fred Bloggs all tried to tell me that it was time, but I alone could make that decision and finally it was as if it was made for me.

I swear it wasn’t me – I could never have made that decision, it couldn’t have been me who phoned the vet and it couldn’t have been me that held her in my arms while the vet injected her, I could never have been that strong.

So why then after she had gone did I start to torment myself with I could have spent the next 200 years without any sleep to help her, my elbows weren’t in that much pain that I couldn’t have lifted her again and again.

I searched my heart my head and God, I tortured myself with every ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’ finally I tried to forgive myself and I just waited for time to heal.

I went to see a medium – I had to know that she made it to the other side ok that she was ok. A dog was there but from the description I knew it was Sadie who had died naturally, the pain went on.

Then last Friday I went to see the same medium again, there was a dog – this time I was determined that I knew exactly which one, “which one” I asked finally after ‘female’ and ‘high spirited’ and ‘cross boarder collie’ he said her tail is wagging like the clappers “ that’s her” I cried out.

So now I finally know that she made it to the other side ok why am I crying – I guess that I can finally just grieve for having lost her.

I wish I could help you get through this quicker but I guess these things take their own time and we learn a lot about ourselves and the life we are living in the process.

Please be gentle with yourself, your heart let you to do the right thing, it is just your head that doesn’t understand.

Love Sue

What a wonderful site. Thanks Marcia for posting the link on Petlovers.com.

I did reply to your post on Petlovers... but just wanted to say it again here. There is nothing to forgive you for. You did what was best Hanna and your heart was in the right place. She is now smiling down on you, free of pain and playing with the angels. There never really gone as long as they live in your heart. Sending prayers your way.

Jan

Marcia,

I know this must be unbelievably and excruciatingly painful. My heart goes out to you. The other responses people sent are so full of wisdom. For instance, Beth said,

"you also need to know that what you did for Hannah was done out of love for her. To let her go and be at peace was the most unselfish thing you could have done. You took Hannah's pain onto yourself. You did what was best for Hannah not what was best for you."

This site is wonderful! Here are my thoughts after I read your post:

Dental problems worry me. To me, there is hardly anything more painful than pain in the dental nerves. Thank God Hannah won't have to experience that.

As far as having gone to the vet more often, that itself can be extremely stressful, especially for an older animal with a heart murmur. My sweet Little Girl had a heart murmur and I limited her trips to the vet.

You listened to people's observations and to the vet's recommendations. I'm sure the vet knew you would have done anything possible (they can tell by how we act with our pets when we are in for a check-up).

You are an amazingly special and loving Mom and you DID do everything humanly possibly---super-human is more accurate. Hannah absolutely thanks you for ending her pain (and for preventing what would have been some serious suffering).

Pretend for a minute that the roles had been reversed, and it was Hannah who made the decision to end your earthly life because she loved you SO SO much and was SO worried that you might be suffering. She provided medical care, she cooked for you, she carried you around, etc. etc. ...and now, she's feeling like the worst person in the world because she thinks she made the wrong decision. She is torturing herself beyond imagining. How would you feel? You wouldn't want your sweet Hannah to go through ANYthing bad or sad. You would be feeling grateful that she loved you enough to be so concerned about your well-being. There are always more things that someone can do, but you know it would have only been a matter of time before you'd be in all kinds of pain---tooth, etc., and 15 is old when you have a heart murmur. You would know that it was a miracle that you had lived that long. Most of all, you love Hannah so much that you would want her to be okay---to be able to go on. Remember, love is a 2-way street!

You WILL be reunited. And in the meantime, you are still connected. And Hannah is experiencing only complete bliss--no sadness or pain. And no sense of time or space. To her, it will seem like no time has passed...and there you'll be, joining her!

I am sending prayers and love your way. You will be okay.

As the others have said, don't do this to yourself. Oh yes, I felt guilty about putting Kitt to sleep. I had the

'What ifs?" What if we could have operated on her, what if she could have been cured? But in the end, I think the right thing was done. Of course, I don't know how much pain Hannah was in, but isn't it better to know now that she's in no pain? Please quit beating yourself up over your decision. If you need to talk, you know I'm willing to be there for you.

I still feel awful about my Ginger. I sometimes think that if i had the lumps on her belly removed earlier they would have been able to catch the ones filling her lungs. But i also know that i did everything i thought best for her and that she was a very happy dog til the end. Ginger was 14 and at the end she was ready....i could see it in her eyes. I feel guilty. I probably always will. She would be giving me one of her "looks" if she knew how i was beating myself up over her death. All i can do is remember the great time we had together. I don't know you but i know what you are feeling. And i hope you will understand, as i am beginning to, that we have nothing to be sorry for or ashamed of. We did all we could and we did what we thought was the best thing for the ones we cared so much for. Take care, Ricky

Again, thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Your words help very, very much.
I really, really hit the wall yesterday for most of the day and the previous night after I got home from work.

I went up yesterday and talked to the grief counselor and finally the vet who put her to sleep. The vet (Dr. Dill), a young, very nice and compassionate person, confirmed again and again that I did the right thing. He said that, while there may have been some things we could have tried, Hannah's heart murmur was really, really bad. He said she was a very sick little girl. He said just the stress of more office visits and tests could have killed her. He said there would have been no guarantee that anything could have helped much or for very long. He also said we would not have really known for sure how she was really feeling anyway (Just as Jan said about her babe.) He said there were possibly lots of other things going on with her. He did say that if he thought there was something else that I might have tried, he would have told me so, and he would not have put her to sleep. Finally, he said that as she was when he put her to sleep, she probably had no more than two weeks to live.

I guess I really felt/knew all of this pretty much when I made my decision, but the fog of grief clouded my memory. As Sue said, it couldn't have been me (alone) who made that appointment, who held her in my arms to be put to sleep, and who buried her. It couldn't have been me alone, because I wouldn't have had the strength and courage either.

I pray will be able to move forward with my life and remember all the good times. I know I'll still have ups and downs and that I will miss her terribly for a very long time.

Thanks so much for your caring and sharing. Soon, I'm going to post a copy of something this kind vet has on the wall in his office. It really makes one think. I know we all feel that way, but it would be so wonderful if more people in the world could see animals as we do. It would be a much kinder world.

Marcia

Marcia,

I'm glad you were able to talk to the vet and are feeling a bit better about the decision you made. The guilt can be awful and it can eat you inside if you let it. When you are feeling particularly bad try remembering some the funny things that Hannah did. Soon, you will find that these memories will make you smile through the tears. This was a piece of advice given to me right after my Snoops went the bridge and it does work. You have to try really hard at first but eventually you will find yourself smiling as you cry.

Hugs,
Beth

Dear BabyHannahsMom:

Hi! I haven't been on the site for awhile because things have been so busy, but I just wanted to say that from your post
on 5/10 in the AM, to your most recent on 5/11 at 9:36am, it really sounds to me like you've been through a lot.

First, there is nothing that I could add, that all of the wonderful people on this site already talked with you about.

I am very happy that you went to see the grief counselor and also, spoke to your vet, Dr. Dill. There were lots & lots of
things that you needed to talk about, and I am sooooooo glad that Dr. Dill spoke with you...

As you even stated, "I guess I really knew/felt all of this pretty much when I had made my decision"................

I really believe that YOU NEEDED TO HEAR FOR YOURSELF, THAT, EVEN THOUGH YOU TRULY FELT IN YOUR HEART THAT YOU HAD DONE WHAT WAS IN HANNAHS BEST INTEREST......
AS "HUMAN BEINGS", we always second guess ourselves................ "I should have"...."What if I"............., "If only I had".....
We do......... I think all of us drive ourselves crazy with the "what if's", etc., etc....

You did the most loving, courageous, wonderful, etc...... thing that you could have done for your little Hannah....
I know she is over Rainbow's Bridge, thanking her mom..... for loving her enough to let her go!!!

Soooo many people on LS have helped me after we had put our Ernestine to sleep on 2/7/2004..... There are so many
wonderful people here...........(and, you all know who you are-----BECAUSE, IT IS ALL OF YOU!!!!)

The one thing that absolutely made ALL THE SENSE IN THE WORLD TO ME, AND HELPED ME SO MUCH WAS THIS:

****** "You took on Ernestine's pain so that she finally would be without pain" ******
NOTHING ELSE MADE SENSE TO ME ------------------ BUT, THAT STATEMENT DID!!!!

It's only been just over three months that Ernie hasn't physically been here with us, but, I know that she is loving it where she is at!!!!
No more pain, no more retching -- all that agony....

As Beth wrote, "eventually you will find yourself smiling as you cry".....
And, HOW VERY TRUE THAT IS....

IT SHOCKED ME..... I remember crying & crying, and being so very sad because I missed my girl so much; but, one day,
I found myself smiling & laughing at all of the beautiful, wonderful memories that Ernie left in my heart!!!!!

I thank God that Ernie & I had soooooo many wonderful years to spend with each other.... She was my best friend..

God Bless you Marcia..... This is truly a journey... I know it won't be long before one day your thoughts drift off, and you too will find yourself smiling with beautiful memories of your Hannah..

Love, Denise

I am very happy to see that you are feeling better about your decision. It is not an easy one to make - to send a loved one on that final journey. Second guessing, guilt and remorse are just our mind's way of working through the pain by finding something to blame.

But there isn't any blame, is there? I am glad you are seeing that.

Please know that the rest of us don't just share your "words" - we share your pain. While our own pain may fade, the memory of those first few moments/days/weeks will never go away. We understand and KNOW what you are feeling.

When my Jesse died (put to sleep) he possibly could have had a few more days. We could have drained the fluid in his lungs, given him enough medication to stop some more of the symptoms and perhaps a week or two later I would still have had him to hug. But the cancer and the kidney failure weren't going away. Delays would have made the entire process even more painful (if that's possible).

No regrets. As the song says "we did what we had to do. Won't forget, can't regret what I did for love."

Thanks, DJ. I do know we do all share the same pain and longing. It's so heartbreaking hearing, "I just want my baby back" from so many people. Such a sad echo that we understand only too well. I am so glad we have all found each other.
Marcia

Oh Marcia my heart breaks for you and all you've been through. My heart breaks for all of us but through all this pain there is this incredible love....look at how much we loved our babies....if we didn't we wouldn't be feeling this agony.
There aren't words to make this better but believe that you did what needed to be done....i am so glad that you talked to the vet and to the grief counselor.
I don't know how we survive this or where we get the strength to go on...I know that my Daphne Jane is in my thoughts every second and I know that the pain doesn't seem to be easing but i get up every morning and I go through the day because I don't know what else to do.We are lucky to have found each other and to know that we are not alone in this great grief.
Daphne Jane's Molly

This is a poem by Shel Siverstein in the book "A light in the Attic"

Whatif

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow taller?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems swell, and then
The nighttime Whatifs strike again!
--------------------------------
We all have been there -- second guessing and torturing ourselves. For months I could not say that we put Freyja to sleep... instead it was "I killed my dog..."

Marcia, you did the right thing, the only thing you could. You have taken on all this pain, all this suffering, all this self torture so that the one you love could be WITHOUT pain, WITHOUT suffering and WITHOUT torture. Remember that.

Love,
Jennifer

Thank you, Jennifer. I printed the poem to remind myself! Monday was an awfully bad, bad day. Everyone here really helped and so did the vet. Also, we had so many good years together, Hannah and I. I don't want to let these last bad thoughts/feelings, etc., overshadow our life together. We were best friends, after all.

I just came home from visiting a friend of mine and Hannah's who has known me and Hannah all Hannah's life. Ironically, in all the time I've known this friend, she never had a dog. About 3-4 months ago, she got a little puppy. Now today, she has a baby and I don't. The puppy is a precious, sweet little thing. It was pretty difficult being around her, but it was nice too.

Now, I'm back home. I miss Hannah soooo much. It's sooo lonely here without Hannah.

Thanks again, Jennifer. Take care.
Marcia

Here is one of the first posts I made about Hannah. I haven't even had the heart to read it again until yesterday.

Oh dear sweet Marcia, You do not give yourself the credit you deserve for all the love you did give Hannah. You did what you felt was right, you did not want her to be in pain. That very love was what helped you leave this world to a better life.

I did most of the things you wanted to do for my little Snookie. I know I am blessed she lived 4 months past the time they thought she would. But don't you see even though I did all I could it was not enough. There was no help and no hope for my little girl. My husband and I spent an unbelievable amount of money on medications, tests, biopsies, hospital stays and such. Still our little girl left us anyway, it did not save her life in the end.

I have never posted this before but perhaps my guilt is I did not take Snookie soon enough to help her out of her pain and she died so sick. I was selfish and wanted her own vet 80 miles away to do it. His office was not open and I told her he would be in the next day. So Snookie shivered and shook and made the most God awful moan I have ever heard in my entire life and she passed away in my arms. I am the one who is guilty for not helping my baby before she suffered all that pain.
Love, Ann

Dear Marcia-
I had never read your original post about the loss of Baby Hannah.
Reading it now brought tears to my eyes. You poor dear, how you suffered and blamed yourself.
As Ann said, you gave Hannah so much love for 15 years. She had a wonderful and happy life becasue of you.
I hope after the passage of time, you are no longer feeling so responsible.
I hope and pray you realize the wonderful life the two of you shared.
I would give anything to have had that long with my dear little man, Indy.
He died far too soon. I am learning to be grateful for the time we did have together.
Thinkng of you.
Love and hugs,
Fran

I to did not realize the depth of the grief you endured baby hannah's mommy....my heart broke for you as I read your post. I read about the deep love you had for your girl, at 15 you would have had to face that and you took away any suffering that may happen later like going through a heart attack or something tramatic. It was that way with my baby Summer, she was eating, everyone had ailments teeth,thyroid, ect. but were basically doing okay...one morning I woke up and did it, I went into auto piolt, I felt so guilty for so long, all of them gone in one day. Over the years I only remember how much they all meant to me. I am sorry you had to have that awful day. Love, Pamela

Dear Marcia,

Thank you for re-posting your story. After reading this especially (*and* so many others' stories here, but I think yours was the story that pushed me off the fence) I think I am finally convinced that no matter how our pets lives ended, we all feel equally terrible and guilty about it, we are all equally blameless, and thus we should all forgive ourselves.

Reading this and then thinking over all the other stories I've read here on L-S, I do believe it has finally sunk into me that it makes no difference whether it's you and me worrying that we took Hannah and Shelby to the vet a little “too soon” (we did not), or others worrying that they got to the vet too late, or left them at the vet too long, or didn't get to the vet at all, or left the back gate open at the wrong time, or found their young/old/middle-aged pet dead or dying and never did find out why.......we all had different experiences that we didn't want to happen, didn't mean to happen, and desperately wanted to handle well. But guess what.....we are all *equally* in pain after the fact and beating ourselves up to some degree or another. Yet we are all such loving, devoted pet owners that we are suffering from their loss weeks, months, and even years later. My point is.......we can't *all* be wrong and guilty and irresponsible, can we? I don't think you or anyone else on this board behaved badly or did anything but their very, very best.......and all of you have said the same thing to me.......so if we can forgive each other why can't we forgive ourselves?

That is why I am going to try to forgive myself now and I think you should too. Here’s the thing: Death sucks. It just does. Other pets' deaths are going to suck. Family and friend's deaths are going to suck. *Our* deaths our going to suck. I am still repulsed by the way my Shelby died but if you step back a little and think about it, the very best ending *any* living creature can hope for is to 1) go after a long happy existence with 2) a minimum of pain and 3) a maximum of love and company. However, even with friends and families and insurance and 911 and doctors and hospitals, even the healthiest, wealthiest *humans* are lucky if they score even *one* of those 3 on the way out. So if you want to look at it this way, and I think I want to, you and I were *astoundingly* lucky to be able to provide ALL 3 of these to Hannah and Shelby! After 15 years together! This is HUGE!!!! Yay us!!!

I know I am going to keep missing Shelby and feeling her soft fur and listening for her walking around and barking to be let in and wanting to be chased and walked and petted and just being there. Oh it hurts. But I am going to try to be just sad now, instead of tormented.

Oh wow, this is weird......I am writing these words at almost exactly the moment I was watching Shelby go 2 weeks ago today. I hated that moment. I will always hate that moment. But that moment was going to come, hell-or-high-water, no matter what I did or didn't do about it. Same for you. And with 15-year-old animals it was going to come for us sooner rather than later. Much sooner.

We knew, after 15 years with our babies, by watching them and listening to vets and listening to our guts and hearts, that the end was near. We didn’t wish it, but we KNEW it. My heart, like yours, told me to let her go *after* I knew she was going to die and *before* it got really painful for her. And, maybe even more important to you and me, before she DIED ALONE while we were out one day. I forgot about how important this was to me before Shelby died, but I am remembering it now. I think it was important to you too based on some things you said in your story. Because these were our core values we had to choose a moment......but tragically there was no perfect moment for this…..there would only be progressively worse moments until it got to be too late to do what our hearts told us was right for us and for Hannah and Shelby. Marcia, it is so hard for me to say this but we should be proud that we had the courage of our convictions and took matters in our own hands and did what our hearts, full of love, told us to do.

Whew, I’m exhausted now. I hope I didn’t step on anyone else’s toes while trying to help Marcia and myself……I felt our stories had something in common. I have every respect for those whose core value was to keep their pets alive as long as possible. Sometimes I wish I had done that. But it wasn’t the most important thing to me at the time. I see that, am remembering that, now. My main point is that we are all loving caring people who did our very best with what was in our hearts and minds and souls at the moment and in every moment leading up to the last. As someone famous said recently, “you go to war with the army you have, not the army you wish you had, or think you should have had later” or something like that. We all went to our small but terrifying personal wars, an army of one, with the knowledge and beliefs and passions we had at the time. We witnessed casualties, and now are suffering from everything we saw and lost. But this suffering doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have gone at all, shouldn’t have shouldered our responsibilities like grownups and done what we were convinced was right at the time.

Love and Peace,

Susan

Dear Marcia,
Thankyou for reposting that - I hadn't known what had happened to Hannah. That was very moving. Oh you poor thing, what you put yourself through! It's such a human trait to feel guilt about things & agonise whether we did the right thing or not. It sounds like you did absolutely nothing wrong & you did what any of us would have done. Also I'm so glad that you went back to talk to the vet shortly after & he reassured you that you had made absolutely the right decision.
Susan made a good point when we said that, being so close to our furbabies, maybe we do instinctively "know" when it's the right time for them to pass on.
You gave her a wonderful life for 15 years, & looked after her so wonderfully when she was ill, & helped her peacefully on her way when the time was right, and reading about what the vet said, it sounds like the time was right.
Sorry you had such a hard time & I hope you feel much more at peace with the issue.
Love,
Elsie

Thank you all so much -- Ann, Fran, Pamela, Susan and Elsie -- for all of your reassurances. I really, really appreciate it. I have good days, and sometimes I have bad days, but mostly the bad days are not as bad as they were for the first six months or so.

Susan, our "stories" are so very similar. You sound like me in your post about Shelby. I mean I can hear myself saying most of the things you said. You really did help me here. Of course, without any doubt, we all loved our "children," and every single thing we did, we did for them, for their benefit, not for our own. I do not understand why we all find it so easy to "forgive each other, but not ourselves." I don't know.

You reminded me of something else so very important. After I read your post, I looked at my little adopted "pound" Poodle, Maggie, and my little adopted feral kitty, Sophie, and I realized that one day I most likely will have to face the day when they become very sick too. That reminded me again also that we must love those who are in our lives now, and by doing that, we honor those precious ones who have already left this world. And also we have learned a lot and if there truly are things we wish we could have done differently or do over, we just need to remember those things and do them now.

Susan, I am so sorry that you lost your precious Shelby. I have no doubt that you did do the right thing, the only thing really, that could be done. I know that. I understand all that you said about the vet and all that because I too felt the same. But as you said and others have said before, we are just already hurting and afraid and sick when it happens, and there is no good way. We all did do the best we could with the very best intentions for our babies.

And Ann, we all know how much you loved your precious Snookie and Snookie knows it too. Please don't feel guilty about trying to keep her alive.
Thank you again, all of you.
Love,
Marcia