I have always had the best support from all of my family, friends, and co-workers when it comes to grieving for Sasha....I've been pretty lucky in that department... until now. My sisiter-in-law (of just over a year) said something to me that was very hurtful. She is one of the sweetest people I have ever met otherwise, so I know she didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but she did. Here is the situation...
I had just gotten off the phone with a friend of mine and I was crying because we had talked for a long time about the 2 year anniversary of Sasha's death. Then when my Sis-in-law called, she said 'what's the matter? are you okay?'. I told her why I was sad, and she just paused and said 'ooookaaaay' like I had lost my mind or something! I said 'you can think I'm crazy, I don't care. I don't expect you to understand since you have never had pets before. She said 'I don't think your crazy...just a little strange' and then giggled. I didn't think it was funny at all. She tried to be nice and say 'It doesn't matter why your sad, I'm just sorry you are sad and I wish I could do something to make it better.' I wanted to say 'for starters you can not call me strange!' but instead, I just said "I appreciate you not wanting me to be sad, but there isn't anything that anyone can do to make it go away. I know you don't understand, but if you can imagine your child dying and the hurt that would cause you not only now, but years down the road, then that is what I am feeling. She just changed the subject on me. I know she doesn't know what to say. I also know she has never experienced even having a pet, needless to say a bond with one like I had with Sasha, so how do I get beyond this? I don't want things to be 'strange' with us, but the thought of her thinking I am some kind of nut case is really bothering me. I have been trying for a couple of days to let it go, but I just can't. Can someone else share any experiences they have had in this department?
Thanks guys!
Kim

I haven't even talked to any of my family members yet. They don't even know that I had to put my buddy to sleep yet. I am sure they will be supportive but I am just a little afraid they will say something to upset me and then I will be mad at them. My brother just had a few dogs but the only reason was because his kids seen puppies and you know how kids and puppies are. Unfortunately they are the kind of people that don't want anything to do with the animals after they grow up and aren't puppies anymore so they end up giving the dog away after neglecting their needs for attention for a while. I told my brother once that it should be against the law for him and his family to get pets.

Kim,
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's apparent that Sasha was very very loved. And I'm sorry that your sister's comments were so unsupporitve. I think you handled the situation very well. I'm sure it made her think and she probably changed the subject because she knew she was insensitive. We all hope our loved ones will realize their errors and apologize at a later date, but usually that doesn't hapen. I don't think there would be anything wrong with contacting her first and being honest with her. Let her know you don't want there to be any weirdness between you two and what she said hurt your feelings. She doesn't have to understand what your loss feels like, but you say she is a caring individual, so she should realize that the pain is still there for you and to minimize it directly affects you. She still may not respond in the most understanding way, but at least you can know that you were honest and forthcoming. That's all we can do, right? I hope everything works out.

Kim - I'm sure your sister-in-law was uncomfortable with your grief, and didn't know how to respond. Some people respond with an uncomfortable giggle, becuause they do not how to respond to your pain, so, she changed the subject to avoid it. If it is really bothering you, just talk to her open and honestly about how you feel. You will feel better for letting her know how you feel, and hopefully work things out. Let us know how things work out

Hi Kim,
DITTO what Blackjack's Mom said. You SIL doesn't have to understand your pain, but she did seem genuinely sorry that you were hurt by her remark. For future ref, should anyone else make a similar insensitive remark, you can just say something like "I don't expect everyone to understand, but thank you for your input". Roughly translated, this means "Shut up you idiot!".
I often find it hard to put stuff like that behind me, but this really sounds like a relationship you want to preserve. I try to remember that, while I may not have control over what happens, I do have control over how I react.
Juanita

My own sister saw my beloved dog's photo engraved plaque I had made, that was on my living room wall, and said with slight disgust in her voice: "It's a bit much, isn't it?" GRRRRRRRR.

Thanks to everyone for their input. My relationship with her is definitely one that I want to preserve, but like blackjack's mom said, i just don't want any 'weirdness' between us. It's not even that I think she was being deliberately insensitive (because she was truly concerned that I was sad), I just think that she feels like I am some kind of lunatic now (because of why I was sad) and I wish there was a way I could help her to see that I'm not. I wish she could understand that my feelings about Sasha are legitamate, but how do you make someone understand that if they have never had pets or known the love of an animal? I think THAT is weird! I couldn't imagine life without furbabies! Poor, poor, girl!
Anyway, I guess I'm wanting the impossible, for her to suddenly understand the deep level of love that can be shared between pet and owner and respect that. I guess it's just something I will have to 'let go' of and hope that I can just forget about it.
Come to think of it, it is probably really 'strange' for her any time she is around my family (parents included) because a majority of our conversations always revolve around animals which will always lead to some kind of Sasha story....she probably thinks we're all nuts !! My brother (her husband) has been asking me some questions about different dog breeds...I think he is actually wanting a dog of his own now that he has bought his own house...that should be interesting! Who knows...maybe she will be a dog lover too before it is all said and done !!

Remember that she wasnt around when you are Sasha were an item, she has never witness the close bond that you had, and would probably be jealouse if she did.

Im afraid my own mother never understood how i felt about my girls and even said to me after theyd died 'perhaps now you can have a life'

em ecuse me they were my life? but she would never understand.

You have to just accept that experiencing the deep love that we have all experiance isnt one of her lifes lessons, and looks to me like it may be few more lifetimes till it is

dont take it personaly we are all meant to be different and learn from one another, she is probably wondering what she is missing out on.

Love Sue

Dear Kim:

Ditto, ditto, ditto on what Sue said !! I'm in total agreement .

Sue's quote:


EXACTLY !!



Kim....in the time that you and I have known one another, I KNOW that you are NOT a lunatic!!! If she happens to think that you are, then...well, that really is HER problem, not yours, my friend.

And.....If being sad (and expressing your sadness), because you miss your precious girl Sasha more than any written word could EVER explain, is looked at as being "loony", well....your sis-in-law has to deal with it b/c it's really HER problem.

(I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say..... )

Some people will never truly understand the way WE feel about our furbabies, unless they have a furkid themselves!!!

We here are all the very, very lucky ones, aren't we ???

God Bless You & Yours, my friend,

Love, Denise

Your sister-in-law may have not known how to handle your grief. I doubt she meant to cause pain, we're all different. Maybe she hasn't had a deep relationship with a furbaby, yet. Be patient, even though I understand your anger.
I remember when I was very young and I found out my cat Taffy had been killed. Mom played it off from discomfort.
Some people have pets others have furbabies, We all handle thing in different ways. It's good you can vent to those who understand, and go easy on her. She cares for you. She may not understand the way you feel or share in it to the depth you do, but she does care. Nina

Well, I admire your restraint, cause I may just have had to reach through the phone line and throttled my SIL, but then we don't have a good relationship, anyway. To some people it may seem odd to mourn this long, and in the end, I think it's more to do with a person's comfort level with grief and abilty to empathize with others who are mourning. I remember at my Grandma's funeral, after it was over, my 2 cousins and I just broke down with giggles (out of our mothers' hearing, of course) and I felt later that it had more to do with the fact that none of us had ever dealt with death before. Grandma would understand, I think. For people like your SIL, maybe she'd never dealt with the depth of grief that others can feel, be it for family, animals, whatever. It's kind of sad really, for her. To not be able to feel that sense of closeness to a soul who gives without conditions, never complains, and always loves you, must be - well, lonely. I guess after the feathers had settled, and the fur stopped flying and the phone cord straightened out, I would say something like "You just don't know the level of caring my furbaby and I had, but I hope someday you will."

Well, just my thoughts. You'll do and say the right thing, Kim. At times like these, sometimes words initially blurted out are painful, but when thought out, as you have done, the right thing will be done. Take care - Barbara

One relative said to me - well now that you have a real baby, (we recently adopted), it shouldn't really matter so much, referring to the death of my beloved Yorkie.

At first, the statement made me feel angry and bad, but then I felt sorry for this relative. He has never had a pet, and is incapable of having that bond. In fact, he is incapable of any real bond with any living thing.

Some people can't understand. Perhaps something is missing from their souls. That is just how it is.

I had another relative, who always thought my relationship with my Yorkie was a "little much." She said things like "She's just a dog." Well, this relative got a dog through some strange turn of events. About a year later, she called me and told me that she now understood my relationship with Daisy. Her dog was the love of her life. So, perhaps people can change.

Daisy's Mommy