Two years have come and gone since I had to say goodbye to my best-friend, my 1st child, my soulmate. When I think back on that day, it stilll seems so surreal. I knew I would miss her terribly once she was gone, but I never knew pain like this existed. I see people come here to LS, stay a short while, and move forward. I am still here. I am still so sad without her. I can't stand the thought of living without her...yet I have to do it everyday. My family and friends would always joke with me, saying "When something happens to her, you're gonna be in the 'looney bin'"....sometimes I feel like that's exactly where I should be.... but I would always say back to them "My Sasha is going to live forever!". I think I somehow convinced myself that was true.
I can't believe it has been two years already. It seems like an eternity since I have seen her, yet it seems like just yesterday. I remember every detail as though she never left. Her smell, the way her fur felt, the way her 'voice' sounded...all are burned into my memory.....forever I hope. I still have those dark days where I just can't face thinking about so many years ahead without her, but I must say that those days are becoming fewer as time passes. I thought there was no way I could ever go on living without her, yet I somehow am. I thought I could never have happiness in my life without her, yet I somehow do. I sometimes think that things worked out for me (in relation to timing) the way they did for a reason. Sasha never showed a single symptom of her illness until I became pregnant. I would think about how much she was going to love the new baby and what great friends they would be...never thinking about her age and, contrary to my wishful thinking, that she wasn't going to live forever. It was almost the same time I found out about the pregnancy that I noticed the first signs, and it was all downhill from there. My husband began hinting that it was probably time when I was in about my 7th month, but I just didn't feel like it was her time yet, and he respected the bond I had with her and trusted that, when the time came, I would do what was best for her. Well, she made it to the birth of my daughter, but it was only 10 days later that I 'knew' it was time, and I had to say goodbye to her.....my life was changed forever. I think God knew that I would need to feel a love as powerful as that I feel toward my daughter to get me through the loss of my Sasha. I truly believe if not for my daughter, I may have done something I could have never taken back.
Overall, I guess adjusting to life without her does become less painful with the passing of time, but the hole in my heart she left will always be a great source of sadness for me. She was my whole world, and when she left, it was like I had to rebuild from scratch....that is a very hard thing to do. I still, even with all of the other sources of love I still have in my life, can feel very lonely at times and I miss her deeply. No other has had the same connection, understanding of my feelings, or overall bond with me as my Sasha...no other ever will...that is very hard to accept. It seems like no matter how much I type, I can never relay just how much I love her, miss her, need her here with me. I can only hope that the years ahead will pass as quickly as these past two so that I can be with her again. I am counting the days....
Kim

Hi Kim, I just went to Sasha's page, and -- What a BEAUTIFUL tribute!!

I'm so sorry about the ongoing pain. I know there'll never be anyone like Sasha.

I am glad you found this site---both for yourself, as well as for others. You have written some very supportive letters to others on here. You are awesome!

I'm so thankful that you didn't do anything to harm yourself. Sasha is fine where she is and you'll be reunited when it's your time! I know it's hard, in the meantime, though! Maybe one day Sasha will lead you to another needy animal who needs your love.

What's your daughter's name?

All the best,
Love,
Kathy

She was certaintly a Lady. She posed so well in the picture you posted.
I believe that animals live on this earth and have more peace in their short lives
than we as humans could ever have. They do not know war and all of the horrible things we as humans know. No politics, no religion, no prejudice because they are able to love truly with a pure heart. She was a gift in your life and just having her share part of your life with you was a blessing.


She is watching over you and knows you are sad but she is at peace and wants
you to be happy. She wants that for you because she was pure of heart.

Baby Kings MamaPerson

Kim,
Your tribute to Sasha - here and on her page - are so moving. I also find words hard to express the pain I feel sometimes. I'm glad, though, that God saw fit and just the fact that your daughter came right when the time came to bring Sasha home to Him. I know, in my heart, that there is a reason for everything that God does for us, and the fact that Sasha knew, however briefly, your daughter, seems to me to be one of those signs from God.

I don't think it's at all unusual that you still come to this site to share what you've learned in the last few years. Again, I think personally, that God has a hand in that, too. You have offered and given support and strength to so many people here that in my opinion, Sasha would be extremely proud that part of your tribute to her includes helping other folks who're experiencing such agony at the loss of their beloved companions. You always seem to say the right thing every time I've seen one of your posts, and I think that Sasha looks down on that and knows that she has just been so blessed that your memories of her have taught you how to comfort others. I know you've comforted me countless times, and so often I find myself thinking "Yes! That's exactly how it feels!"

I know you have many dark days, and some memories that really, really hurt, and there's no way to tell, much less know, when or if they'll ever stop hurting. They may very well never stop - and I have to believe that God in His infinite wisdom, knows why that is. I know that sometimes you may think that you'll never be one of those people who are able to share their grief, recover somewhat, and move on. The fact that you haven't, in my humble opinion, is not any kind of inability of a lack of moving forward - it may be the way that you, in your own way, heals some of the rest of us. I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks that.

You and Sasha have graced our lives in so many ways. I'm sad that you are still hurting - I'm not sure that anyone who suffers such an extreme loss ever really stops hurting - but in the grand scheme of things, at the final end of your life (a long, long time from now, I hope) you both can know that you've offered so many people a measure of comfort that they may well have never found otherwise.

And for that, I thank you both. Take care - Barbara

Thank you all for your replies. I had a dream of her last night. It wasn't one of the 'visitation dreams' that I sometimes have(at least I don't think it was), it seemed more like just a regular dream of her, but fitting that it was last night, since I haven't had a dream of her in a while now. I think the dream was sparked by a conversation I had with my husband. He knew how upset I was last night, and he stayed up until 2:00 in the morning trying to comfort me. He was trying to run through all the worse case scenarios if I hadn't put her down when I did so I could see the other side of what may have happened. Sasha had a lump come up several months before I had her euthanized. It grew so quickly during that time and (with the rapid weight loss she was also experiencing that I somehow convinced myself was just age related ) the vet thought it was more than likely cancer, but I wouldn't put her through any diagnostic testing knowing her time was limited. Why make her go through the pain of a surgery if it isn't going to change the final outcome....my vet agreed. I often forget about that part of her illness...I guess because it wasn't a true medical diagnosis of cancer, only a guess, that I allow myself to ignore that it may have been something quite bad. The dream...I dreamt that I had somehow gone back to before I had her euthanized...a 'do over' of sorts. I remember that I was just laying on the bed with her, thinking "this can't be...I actually have her back!" I was hugging her and just staring at her, thinking about how lucky I was to have this second chance. It was only a short time that passed when she turned over and her tumor was HUGE. It was terrible looking, all bloody and oozy, and she just whined when I tried to look at it. I just squeezed her so tight and told her how sorry I was to wish her back only to suffer more pain....that's all I remember before waking up. I guess it was just a huge wake up call that since we can't see the future, we have to trust our instincts on when it is the right time to say goodbye. I know everyone is different, but I truly think it would be harder for me to know I made her suffer needlessly, and yet she still died anyway, than to think I may have done it too soon. Either way, she was going to leave me soon, so I'm glad I didn't wait until she looked like she did in my dream....that would have been worse for me. I'm not saying that this dream 'cured me' of my guilt by any means ( I only wish it were that easy), it is just one more stepping stone that helps me to remember that, although I often beat myself up over whether it was truly the right time, she wasn't going to live forever. At 16 years old, her journey was coming to an end regardless of what I did or didn't do for her, so I am glad I was at least able to help her leave this world without pain and with the pride and dignity that was always so important to her.


LittleGirl'sMommy,
I'm glad you took the time to view my tribute to Sasha, It makes me feel like she is still reaching people's hearts. Yes, there is no doubt that no other could ever compare to her, yet my love for animals will always drive me to share my life with them. I still have my Great Dane , my 2 kitties, and my 3 horses, to keep me busy and surround me with the kind of love only furbabies can give....but although I love them all dearly, they aren't my Sasha.
P.S. My little girl's name is Regan

babyking's mama,
Those are truly beautiful words you shared with me. Our furbabies truly are of pure heart...we can always learn so much from them. These words really struck me. They are so true. I feel as though I am the luckiest person in the world to have been the one who was chosen to be her mommy for her short time here on earth. I owe so much of who I am to her, and for that I will always be greatful to her.

5catsmom,
Thank you also for viewing her tribute. As I said, when people spend even that one moment thinking about only her, in a strange way, it makes me feel like she is still able to touch people's lives. It is such a wonderful feeling to think that through this painful time in my life I may have been able to somehow help others. You don't know how much your words meant to me. It really did give me a sense of pride (thinking that Sasha would be proud). It may seem corny, but this part made me cry. It was so touching to me that you included Sasha as having a role in things here, and a role in what help I may have been to others...it makes me feel like she is still able to do what she loved to do so much in life...try to make people smile..thank you for that and keeping her memory alive for me....

What a beautiful tribute to your beautiful friend. It brought tears to my eyes. Two years is so short; two years is an eternity.

Kim,

I have been away for a while. It is summer and my children are out of school and we have been to Disney World and the Beach. I have had lots of fun and created many memories for myself and my children, but the one thought that always creeps back in my mind during the happiest moments, is how much I still miss my sweet baby Crystal. She has been gone 4 months now. I come back to this site for support occasionally, but I am coping better now. (As I wrote in earlier posts, I went through so much stress and depression with her loss, that I was under the care of a cardiologist.) Summer with my children has helped pull me out of the depression and my heart seems to be functioning much better now. I still have melt downs though. I couldn't stop crying one evening after a day at Disney. I couldn't pull myself out of it for about 2 hours. I still believe that my baby fur ball was my soulmate also. I understand completely what you are going through. When I broke down, my husband said "You just need to get over that. This is getting rediculous." So I don't have the support that you have with your husband which makes it that much harder because I have to hide my emotions. It has gotten easier to cope, but there is still a hole in my life that was hers. I still miss her terribly.

I read all of your posts. I admire your decisions with Lucy. You are a caring person (everyone at this site should know that about you) or you would not have rescued Lucy to begin with. OLDER DOGS, no matter how long they have lived with someone (or not) are just less tolerant. My Crystal who was there from day 1 with both of my children, became less tolerant of them with her aging. Luckily, she was only 5 pounds and had worn teeth so no decisions had to be made due to her aging temperment. Lucy not only is an older dog, but also had no experience therefore no tolerance with children. You daughter is THE most important person in your house and should not be put in a situation where she could accidentally go somewhere/do something that she wasn't supposed to and have permanent scares (or worse) to show for it. She is only 2. She cannot be expected to understand why she can't play with that doggie the way she does with your other animals.

Sorry about the comments of your sister-in-law. She has no concept of the LOSS you feel therefore doesn't even realize she hurt your feelings. Even if someone has a pet, it still does not put them in the same cognitive level of having a "soulmate." So there are many "pet" owners out there who are just as uncaring and incensitive as your sis-in-law. Well, she is one step more removed. She has NEVER had a pet or loved the way you have and may not be capable of or lucky enough to ever experience such a bond. Just consider it a moment of ignorance on her part and let it go. I am sure it was unintended and only her misjudgement of the depth of the situation that made her try to make a "light" comment about it. Be thankful of all of the family support that you do have. The rest of the family will probably "clue her in" on your & Sasha's special relationship.

My thoughts are with you as you continue to struggle after 2 years. I know with Sasha, as with Crystal, it was just their time and we did what we had to do out of LOVE! That LOVE will continue with us until we are with them again and are able to hold them and tell them face to face how much we have missed them.

Sonda

Crystal's mom,
It was really comforting to hear from you...I have often thought about you and how you are coping without your Crystal.


I thank you so much for these healing words. It was quite a difficult time for me when dealing with this situation, certainly not made any better by some of the judgemental comments that were made to me here about it. With the help of many great friends and supportive family members, I realized that, regardless of whether or not she lived with me or another loving person, that I had done a beautiful thing for Lucy by saving her life. It was my responsibility to not only ensure her an existance, but a happy one, and she wasn't happy here. I haven't written anything about her current situation (didn't need any more negativity), but I am glad to tell you that she is in a wonderful new home! Through the rescue I fostered her, I was able to find a special rescue in North Florida that specializes in placing elderly pets with elderly people who crave the companionship of a pet, but can't deal with the training of a puppy. The rescue always places their new comers into one of their designated foster homes first to observe them, and her foster mom has fallen deeply in love with her! They have two different people that are interested in Lucy, but her foster mom said she isn't sure she wants to give her up....they are keeping me posted as it unfolds, but from the sound of it, she already has her forever home! Regardless of what others here may think about my choice to place her in a more suitable invironment, when I saw the pictures of her that they e-mailed me with a little 'thank you for saving my life' letter attached from Lucy( ), and I saw the happiness in Lucy's face, I was very proud for what I had done for her.....no one's self-righteous negativity can ever take that away from me ! Yeah, I have pretty much accepted that my relationship with my Sasha is one she will probably never understand...her loss. I can't continue to dwell on it because I won't let someone else's distorted view of it belittle what I had with Sasha, and I feel that starting to happen in my mind ( a sense of 'maybe I am crazy'), so I will go with my family's advice....move past it and just accept that although she really loves me, our life experiences have been very different and just respect that...so I am.

Thank you for stopping back in and checkin up on things. I guess I will probably be here for a long to come, so please keep in touch....you and Crystal are often in my thoughts...especially when I see blue jays ...they're common here...
Love,
Kim

kimr- I just wanted to say that I read your post regarding Lucy and I am so glad to hear that she is doing so well. I have thought of your situation with Lucy from the time you posted about it (that is about the time I joined the group). Having a 14 month old daughter of my own, I know and fully respect your need to ensure her safety and well-being. You did exactly right by your family and Lucy. The chance you gave Lucy to be completely happy in an environment she feels safe in shows your love for her. Just in the fact that you are still staying involved in her well-being shows the amount of love you have for her. I know just from what I have seen in your postings since I have been here that you are not the type of person to just hand Lucy over to someone where her future would be uncertain. You did a great thing for Lucy and I am sure she appreciates the chance you have given her!

Bellemocha,
It is such a wonderful feeling to read these words. I think that is what made the negative comments on here so hard to swallow. No one here really knows me....knows the things I do to help save and protect animals and the great lengths that I go to to try to make a difference in the lives of those animals that are less fortunate than my own furbabies. It was just really painful to me (after all I had done to try to save Lucy) when I was made to feel that by not keeping Lucy here with me I was somehow failing her....throwing her away just like the family before me had. My rational mind knew this was rediculous...knew that my only concern from the moment I went to get her was to provide her with a safe and happy home to spend her golden years, be it with me or someone else, but when you are as sensitive as I am when it comes to animal welfare, it wasn't difficult for those negative people to convince me I was a horrible person for the choice I was making for her. Like I said, I am now completely happy with the choice I made for her, and I know she will be much happier where she is than she would have been here....it is just her and her mommy, which is what she is used to, and she is doing just great! I keep in touch via e-mail, and I even sent her a 'goodie box' from her "Auntie Kim" (which is what her new mommy calls me!) It was a difficult road, but in the end, it was definitely worth it all!
Here is one of the pics they have sent me. I love this one because she actually looks like she is smiling...she really looks happy...
Thank you so much for caring,
Kim