I am thankful I found this site because otherwise I would just be sitting here immobilized as I have been. I can't share my grief with my family. I know how much they all loved Haley. She was the most special Golden of them all but they all seem to be getting on with it and I am a basket case. She just went so suddenly. I feel so guilty that I did't know she was sick. She threw up Thursday night and by 10:30 the next morning the vet said she had a tumor on her heart. We spent the last 3 hours sitting with her hugging her and crying. I feel so selfish because all I do is sit here and think of how Haley made me feel. Not how she felt. When she was here it was always about her. She needs water, food, treats, hugs,it's too hot, put the fan on her, bring her in here so she's not alone, everytime we'd walked by her and she'd be sitting and looking cute somebody in the family would say "come here quick".We'd all come running. We all knew it was just to look at how cute she was. We did this for 10 years. Just 10 years. When she was here outsiders would tell me I was ridiculous with THAT DOG. I know this sounds crazy but I never thought of her as a dog. Now I just sit and and think of what she did for me. I miss her bows, she used to bow for me. I miss her hugs. I miss singing her song. I have no one to sing to. Her song was.
There once was a little girl named Haley.
HaleyKate Connors
Everywhere we went everbody said
I'm gonna steal that little girl
Mom and Daddy said No way
You can't steal our little girl
Cause she's the best little girl in the world
and we love her very very much.
I sang this to her everyday of her life. Now all I do is sit here feeling sorry for myself. I haven't gone back to work yet. I don't want to tell the people I work with and I am just going to have to go back by Tuesday. I had another job just on Fridays but I called and quit. I was there when I got the call from the vet asking permission to do a chest Xray. I feel so guilty I let my 18 year old son take her to the vet by himself. I had no idea she was that sick. I thought she just had an upset stomach. The first few days all I did was think of her. Now all I do is think of me. What I miss. how I feel. I just can't think of her in the ground. All alone. I always said I wanted to die before her. I can't say anymore right now. Thanks for being there and letting me go on and on.

Hayley's Mom - I am so sorry, and I feel your pain. It is awful to lose a pet, they become our children, our condidants, our soul mates sometimes. They love us unconditionally, not like our human counterparts. Our pets, don't care what we look like, if our teeth are brushed, or what we are wearing. They are always glad to see us, love us, and make us happy, no questions, or doubt, they are there for us. So, when we lose them, it is natural to be unbelievably devistated, and heartbroken. What you are going through is normal. Unbelievable sadness, anger, you can't function, and you don't want to do a thing. There was no way you could know that your Haley was so sick. So, please, don't blame yourself for sending your 18 year old son to the vet alone with him. If you had any idea, you would have been there with him, but there was no way you could have known this. So, don't blame yourself for that. It is ok to miss everything about how Haley made you feel, and the things you did for her. Please, write here again, I have found this site to be so helpful fo me. We lost our cat Scooter 13 days ago. He was only 6 and his kidneys failed. My family does not understand, but everyone here does.
Trish

Dear Haley's Mom,

I'm so sorry for your excruciating pain!

The lyrics to your song are beautiful. I can just imagine everyone coming running to see the next cute thing Haley was doing, or the way she was looking!!!

You have nothing to feel guilty about (even though guilt is a natural part of grief ). You were and are an awesome Mom, and I hate to think of you feeling so all alone.

When I lost my Little Girl, I did what I needed to do, and that was to not see or talk to anyone who wouldn't understand what I was going through ... stay on this site (I left my computer on the site even at night, to feel close to others who truly would understand).... watch movies.... I made a list of the things that almost, or could have , happened that would have shortened Little Girl's life, or taken away from her quality of life. This helped to remind me that things could have been a lot worse, and that I WAS a good Mom.

I went on to adopt 4 new needy furkids in her honor----Dolly, Cubby, Sunny, and Farmer.

So, don't let others tell you that you SHOULD be getting on with any aspect of life if you're not ready, etc. etc. You just do what you feel you can handle, and please come back here for all the support you need !

Haley is in bliss right now. You gave her as much bliss as there was to be found on earth, and now she's experiencing the ultimate. There's no distress of any kind for her, no sense of separation from you. To her it will be like no time has passed, and there you'll be, by her side, when it's your time to pass from your physical form.

Sending you prayers of peace, and loving understanding,
Kathy

Dear Trish and Kathy,
Thank you so very much for your kind words. It is so helpful and hopeful to have someone tell me it is OK for me to feel this way and I am so sorry for the losses you have experienced. But I have found someone who truly truly understands how I am feeling. Even my mother who has suffered so much loss in her life was here yesterday telling me I have to just get over this. I'm making everyone around me depressed she said. My poor mom is 86 years old. I made her upset and I yelled at her. Another thing to feel bad about. I cannot thank you enough for being here for me. I just want to surround myself with people like you. I know eventually I will have to try and pull myself together just to try and act like a normal person but I know I will never get over this loss. I waited 20 years before I got another dog after our last dog Patty died. Patty lived to be 16 years old. The kids and my husband all begged for a dog. When my oldest was 15 I finally gave in. When my sister called the other day the first thing she asked me was "So, will you get another dog" I swear if she had said that to me in person well, I don't know what I would have done but, in my head I would have reached out and strangled her. I have decided that I am going to surround myself with people like you. Kind, loving,helpful people. Life is too short and so many of the people I know would never understand the love or the grief I feel. Your kindness will get me through another day. Today I have to go to my nephews graduation party. My brother, the father of the graduate got a golden "Lucky" from the same breeder a year before we got Haley. Lucky died of cancer almost a year ago. He just last month got a new golden. They named her Trouble. I saw her a month ago. At first I told him he should not call her Trouble as a name. I said it would be a self-fulfilling prophecy. But after meeting her I had to agree, it might be an appropriate name. He will train her. He is very good at that. My family, on the other hand was not good at that. Haley trained us. We did what she wanted. She was so smart. I don't ever remember getting really angry with her. It's so strange because people make me angry all the time. I know I will never get another dog. I got her just because the kids begged and begged. After 20 years I still remembered the pain of losing Patty. From the day she came home she became my baby. For the first month she wouldn't sleep at night. She would cry and cry. So I would lie on the couch with her on my chest and she would fall right to sleep. Just like a newborn. I swear I worried about her every minute I wasn't with her. I have to go to this party today but I really don't want to see this puppy. I look like hell. I don't care. Can you believe I have only showered once in 7 days? I feel as though the least little thing takes too much effort. I think about getting up and doing something but then I can't move. I will go to work, put on a brave face and try to get through the days. One day at a time. These people at work have lost cats and came to work the same day and said oh, my cat died yesteday like it was nothing. Maybe they were just being brave but they seemed to be able to function really well. I will not tell them what happened. It is a small office and I will have to tell them that I had something bad happen but I will not tell them what has happened. I have worked there for 10 years and I know they would not understand. But, if I go to work in a bad mood they are the type that will go in to the boss and say she's being unpleasant to us. Very catty. I'm sick of that. But I always had Haley to come home to.
I feel as though my heart is gone. I feel mean. I'm not a mean person, but I feel really mean. I don't like feeling this way. Your kind and loving words make me want to be nice like you but I am just so sad right now I can't see straight. For you to reach out to me while you are suffering with your own loss and grief well I cannot express in words how much it means to me. Thank you from the bottom of my empty cold heart. I hope I will someday be able to offer comfort to someone else just as you have done for me. Jeri

Jeri - You have expressed your feelings very well. And, you are welcome to vent here anytime. We have all been where you are, and still are there for that matter. It's been 2 weeks since we had to let our Scooter pass. I am angry at everyone, even my 86 year old mothe, who does not know when not to say certain things. She just says what she wants, and send me e-mails about life. Yeah, ok, I really don't want to know about life. I'm experiencing it right now, and it hurts. My mom invited me to breakfast tomorrow, but I'm going to turn her down. Who needs the lectures, and you should do this or you should do that. It's easier to avoid them for now. Anyway, they are not a comfort to me. So as you see, you are not alone feeling like crap and not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. I started a new job 5 days before we had to put Scooter down. Talk about having to put on a brave face. I told them what I was going to have to do. And going into work the following Monday was pure agony. But I put on a phony smile, and just could hardly wait to get out of there. They at least asked me if I had to put Scooter to sleep, and I told them I had. They didn't ask how I was doing, because I guess they dont know me well enough. Take care Jeri- let your feelings out here and talk with us. We certainly understand. Now I'm going to e-mail my mom and tell her I'm not coming tomorrow .She'll be mad, but you know what, I don't care right now. I feel better for venting that. Take care, and please keep in touch. I hope eveything goes ok at the graduation party.

Dear Trish, Thanks again. You are definitely making me feel better. I have to run off to the party now so I don't have much time but everytime my mom says something to me today. I have to bring her to the party. I will think of you. And give a smile. Talk to you soon. Jeri

Hi, I made it through 3 weeks and 2 days without my Haleykate. This is not getting any easier. I am however getting better at putting on a brave face for everyone. Only if somebody comes up to me and expresses sympathy do I burst out in tears. But in private I cry all the time. When I wake up, while I drive to work, in the bathroom, just about anytime. I am getting so good at hiding it from everyone. Even my husband. One would think after almost 30 years of being married one would be able to express themselves but every time I say how much I miss my baby he says yea, I miss her too. But there is no discussion about her. He justs goes on doing the things he's always done. I am so angry with everyone right now, but I cannot show it. My youngest son who brought her to the vet and chose to stay with her until the very end ( i just couldn't do it) I think is feeling pain like me but he won't talk about it. I went into his room the other day and saw that he had enlarged several pictures of her and framed some of them. His best friend breeds boxers and they have one puppy left and the mom called him the other day and said we could have"Chubs" I looked at him with disbelief and just said NO. I think he misses Haley very much. I don't know how to help him feel better because I am such a basket case. I really cannot accomplish anything. My house is a mess. I would like it to be clean and everyday I put a plan together in my head to do something but before I know it, the day is gone and I have done nothing. I have four really wonderful kids ages 25,23,21,and they are all at stages in there lives that they are just starting on some wonderful adventures. I used to be a really good mom and help them and listen to them. Now when they ask me for something or advice or anything I say things like "Whatever" or "It's up to you" or "I don't care". I am so consumed with my own grief. I feel as though I have no heart anymore. That is such a bad feeling. I feel cold and hateful and mean inside. I try not to show it but the things I think inside my head, things I don't say out loud are really viscious. I am not or never was a cruel person. I guess I need Haley with me to ground me. Now I just don't care. Now I know what people meant when they would say someone has a bad attitude. Cause, I have a bad attitude and I don't see it getting any better. I feel as though it is just festering and someday I will just explode. I wish I could be as compassionate as you have been to me and I was hoping by now I could reach out to someone in pain but honestly I can't think of anyone or anything but Haley. I see her face all the time in my head. She is in our backyard and we put up a headstone that says "A friend leaves a footprint on your heart" and it has a pawprint on it. I want to plant some grass seed there and some shrubs and flowers to make it look nice for her, but I haven't been able to go down there. I just stare at it through the window. I haven't even gone on the deck or in the backyard for 3 weeks now. All the flowers and pots on the deck have just about died cause I don't want to be out ther without her. I want to sell this house and move. Too many memories. But then I think I can never move cause I couldn't just leave her here with strangers. I am going crazy. I am sure of it. Is this how one loses their mind. Slowly day by day. Or will I just wake up one day and find myself in a padded cell? These are the kinds of images going through my mind.

Jen - It sounds as if you and I are going through exactly the same emotions and feelings right now. It has been 4 weeks and 1 day since we had our precious Scooter put to sleep. I've stopped even trying to talk to my family, my husband included. My sons are both married and on their own, so I don't have to take care of them. My oldest son and I have not spoken since the night before my husband and I put Scooter to sleep. A few days later my mom had send me an e-mail that set me off, so I called my son and expressed my feelings in anger, because she made it sound as if my son was in on her "plan" . It doesn't matter what the plan was, but I just was so nasty. I told him to come and get the many toys he had left here that are my grandson's as I hardly see him anyway. I was really nasty. We've not spoken since then. My husband and I seem to be getting farther away from one another since Scooter died. I'm going to unplug my phone today and not turn my cell phone on. I don't want to be bothered with anyone. So, Jen, you and I are having the same awful feelings. My husband takes care of the yard and garden. If he did not water it, everything would be dead, just like my feelings. It just hurts to much to function. I, like you, have intentions of cleaning the house up, but my days get away from me too. I lost my job 1 week ago. They decided that they needed someone with billing experience after all. When they interviewed me for the job, they said they wanted someone with NO experience, and I told them I had none. 4 weeks later they changed their minds. I was mad and relieved at the same time. I really just wanted to be home with Scooter's ashes and pictures. I have had to force myself to go out and do things. I've been to the local shelter, not to adopt another cat, but just to give love to the many that are there hoping for adoption. Most of them look so sad and depressed, like they've given up all hope. Maybe I go there, because I feel just like they do, but I want them to know, that I care that they are alone, and just want to show them some love. After all, the human's I'm involved with in my life here, I just want to be left alone, and I guess you should be careful what you wish for, because I've gotten that. My younger son calls about 2 times a week, and he still cares.
I just wish that I could get my feelings under control. I don't want to get up out of bed, it's 10am and all I've managed to do, is clean the litter boxes, brush my hair, and cry. This is the only place I can come for comfort too.
Jen, I think we're both experiencing that awful anger/depression that they speak about in the grieving process. I just didn't think it would be so long lasting.
But, in our defense, it has not been long since we lost our pets. It is obvious that we were both extremely close to our pets, and we are entitled to our feelings. I don't think we're going crazy, but I understand why you feel that way. I want my life back to some kind of normal, but normal it with my beloved Scooter here.
That is not going to happen, so, we have to find a new "normal". Heaven help the two of us find that.
I did phone my sons that I spoke harshly to, and left a message on his voicemail. I did not appologize, I just wanted to find out how his new job was going. No emotion in my voice at all, just words. He hasn't called, and I don't expect him to. I guess I've lost seeing my 2 year old grandson out of all this too. Have I become so hardened that I won't let that bother me either?
I'm telling you these things, so you know you are not alone in how you're feeling. This is the only place I can turn. I know there are others that feel like we do, and I feel helpless and lost and right now, very, very alone.
Jen, write again soon. maybe we can get through this together some how.

Trish

Trish, It does seem that you and I are having very similar reactions but the difference is (and I've been reading your posts) is that you are so much more compassionate and caring than I will ever be. What I love about this site is that I can be absolutely honest and I don't feel that anyone will judge me. I feel like this is a place where I don't have to be NICE if I don't feel like it. I am very close to my kids and I put on a good act for them except for maybe my oldest daughter because she lives in London and can't see what a mess I really am. She is so happy and she knows me so well that she can hear it in my voice. I just want to stop crying. Like you , I don't want to push the people in my life away but I really just want to be alone for awhile. Not forever. I'll bet you have a wonderful family who loves you very much. Maybe they realize that you need some space. I want you to know how much I appreciate your support and kindness. It means so very much to know that somebody else truly understands. I hope that you find a really good job where you will be appreciated. Most employers don't have any loyalty to people. Its just the bottom line. You are so nice to be going to the shelter and giving love to other animals. I'm glad that helps you. I know that I will never become attached to another dog. I will never have another pet. This is too hard.Take care and Thank you
Jeri

Jeri - I guess I need glasses. I'm sorry I called you Jen. I just realized in your last post that your name is Jeri. Not that it's any excuse, but I guess it's hard to see right when you have tears in your eyes. It's 11:30 am and still I haven't had any breakfast. I poured the OJ, but just haven't gotten around to drinking it yet. What on earth am I doing with my time? I have no idea. My husband gets up early, does whatever, then when I'm up and around, he ends up laying on the bed with the 3 cats sleeping or watching TV. I know he's in pain over losing Scooter too. I could tell it hurt him while we were at the shelter yesterday. I wanted him to meet Mookie. My husband seemed to enjoy the kittens and was playing with them, but I was attached to poor old Mookie the whole time. I don't have a very large family, I am an only child and my parents are 86. I know my mom knows I'm hurting, but I don't want her to know how bad I really am. She keeps sending me inspirational, emotinal e-mails with beautiful music attached. Makes me cry even more. If you're like me, you read a lot of posts here, and one that has touched me is the story of Simba I and Simba II. All of the stories here break my heart, but their story gives me hope, that we will be ok someday. I think in one of his posts under new beginnings, I think he is the one that sent a few sites to go to that would hopefully cheer some of us up. See if you can find it. It was about cats, there were 2 video sites. And, they did, temporarily put a smile on my face.

Be well, and good to yourself.
Trish

Dear Jeri,
God I know just how you feel - it's 3 weeks today since my dearest Furry had to be pts. My husband seems to cope by playing really loud rock music which I find totally insensitive to her memory. He doesn't want to talk about her anymore & I just can't understand that attitude when she was with us for 11 years & so much a part of our lives. Plus today at the time she died 3 weeks ago he tried to give me a meal, doesn't he understand that I don't want to eat when 3 weeks ago she was dying with me holding her head. Then someone called by just now & asked how was I? Instant tears & incapable of speech again.
Like you I always hoped I would die before her & now I have thoughts that it would be better to be dead & with her, than to carry on for years without her. I guess the pain will fade over time, but the grief is so much worse than when my parents & my brother died.
I have to go back to work tomorrow, but the thing that I hate most about it is that if I hadn't had to work then I could have had so many more hours loving her & being with her.
Love, Judith

Dear Jeri,

Everyone experiences grief differently. The worst will pass in time and life will not look so bleak. No, you are not being selfish thinking of the effect upon you at the death of a furkid. It is human nature to look inwards when in pain. As you get out in the world more the next few weeks that will change. There is no magic formula for getting over a loss like yours. You will find your way just like all the rest of us are doing. Putting your thoughts in emails is a very good way to help get a handle on your thoughts, as you have realized by now. Getting back to normalcy is not easy and it requires a lot of soul searching and reflection to adjust to the changes you face. It will get better.

Take care,
Ken Albin