I have just been through the most emotionally draining experience of my ife. My beautiful cross collie Lucky was put to sleep on Friday. She was my constant companion for 15 years since we got her from the rescue home when she was 8 weeks old. I will forever treasure the memories of the many happy years we spent together.

She was always beautiful and sleek with a gleaming black coat but unfortuantely time was taking its toll. She had arthritis and was becoming more and more feeble. Sometimes she could not stand up and I to lift her to her feet. I have been agonising for the last 4 months about when or whether I could pluck up the courage to say goodbye. I always knew that I would have trouble letting go and the fact that she didn't really have a serious medical problem but was simply fading away made it an impossible task to decide when the moment was right. I always just wanted to give her more time but the quality of that time was diminishing fast

I finally plucked up the courage 10 days ago and made the appointment at the vet for the following week so that I had one final week to say my goodbyes. I wanted to take her out for lots of walks but whenever I took her outside the house she just wanted to go back inside and go back to sleep so I respected her wishes and ended up just giving her lots of her favourite food. The only way I could get through the week was by simply trying to blank it out completelyand try to pretend it wasn't happening. The week whizzed past until on Friday I took her out for her final walk and while we were out in the woods we met a young family who were making a big fuss of her and saying how lovely and sweet she was. She happily stood there as they all stroked and fussed over her. They were asking me all about her and I could barely speak as I was fighting back the tears knowing that she looked so lovely and happy and yet only a few short hours of her precious life remained.

The short walk to the vets was the longest walk of my life and I thought my heart was going to break as I held her in my arms as she drew her final breath.

I am now going through an unbearable mix of emotions - grief, sadness, guilt, anger, loss. I feel horrendously empty inside and I feel guilty, guilty that maybe I let her go too soon and also guilty that maybe I left it too late and should have let her go sooner. But the worst feeling of all is that I feel relief that the decision has been made and the agony of indecision has come to an end. How can I feel relieved that I will never again look into those beautiful brown eyes or hear the tinkling of her name tag on her collar as she ambles through the woods at my side? She has been a huge part of my life and her presence has brought me such joy, happiness and unconditional love for so long and I cannot believe that I feel a sense of relief. That just fuels my guilt and makes me angry with myself.

Lucky, I know that you will forgive me if I let you down at the end. Whether I waited too long or didn't wait long enough I honestly don't know but I hope you understand that I was only trying to do what I thought was best for you.

I will love you forever - you will alway be in my thoughts.

God Bless

I am sitting here with tears pouring out of my eyes as the story I have just read could have been written by me 4 months ago.
I like you had my cross collie Jude put to sleep after months and months of helping her up staying up with her sometimes all night, the last month of her life I did not sleep in my own bed at all but on the settee as she preferred to sleep in the living room.
The feelings you are having are normal and you will fight with them for some time to come I'm afraid, but take it from someone that’s been there, in time you will accept that what you did was the right thing to do and if put in the same situation would do again.
I wish no one had to go through those nightmare months but I guess it’s the price we pay for having had their devoted love even if for just a short time.
To help the healing I made a memory box especially for Jude and Sadie (Sadie died naturally 3 months before Jude) with photos, their vet cards a lock of hair etc. we scattered their ashes by the stream where they loved to play, their leads today still hang by the back door and their dog bowl still sits in the kitchen.
Little things we do help to ease the pain a little at a time until eventually we come to a place of peace and acceptance.
I wish I could say do this and tomorrow the pain will be gone but when you love someone sooo much it just takes time.
I have posted here for four months and it has helped to know that we all feel the same and I could get up in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep and say all the things that were going through my mind and it didn’t matter how silly they sounded because somewhere on this site someone else had the same silly thoughts.
Keep coming back to Lightning Strike whenever you feel the need to share your anguish because we all understand.
Love Sue

Steve,

What you did was for love. To help her avoid suffering and die with dignity.

It was very brave. Your relief isn't because you aren't seeing those big brown eyes, your relief is because it's finally over. A long, wonderful life has come to an end.

For some of us whose pets faced illness, that decision was rushed and frantic. It is, perhaps, a bit easier for US. Your decision was made with a great deal more thought and care - which I think makes it a bit more painful.

Lucky, I'm sure, would have preferred to pass on with her dignity intact. Before her body began to truly fail.

A true friend til the end. She was Lucky to have you.

Sue and DJ, thank you for your kind and reassuring words. It really is a heartbreaking experience to watch something that was once so full of energy slowly fade away until the slightest movement seems to require a huge effort. The last few months have been a nightmare because I just did not know when to let her go. Sometimes Lucky's back legs were so bad that she could barely walk and other times she seemed much better (although still very frail). In her last few days Lucky was relatively good which made me unsure whether the time was right and I was agonising over whether to give her a few more weeks. This pattern had been repeating over several months. There were peaks and troughs but the troughs were getting lower all the time.

Sue, I have done the same things as you - I have kept her lead hanging in the usual place and her food bowl is staying on the kitchen floor and I have taken loads of photos of her to put in an album.

I have experienced the grief before when my other dog Kiri died 3 years ago but she died of natural causes and I did not have to make that impossible decision of when to end her life. Parting from Kiri has prepared me for the pain of Lucky's loss but I was not prepared for the emotional tormoil of having to choose the right time to say goodbye.

DJ, you are rght I am definitely not relieved 'that' I will not see Lucky's beautiful brown eyes again (I definitely messed up the wording there). I would dearly love to gaze into her eyes one more time. You are absolutely right that the sense of relief is because I have finally made the hardest decision of my life and that I no longer have to agonise over when is the best time to let her go.

Thank you for your support. It is so nice to be able to say the things I want to say, to people who know the joy and love (and sadly, at times like this, the intense pain) of sharing your life with a pet, and who have experienced the deep, lasting bonds that develop between us and our beautiful animal companions.

Thanks for listening.

Steve,

I am so sorry for your loss....

Like you, I had to watch poor Freyja deteriorate in her last years. I had to help her up, help her potty... Sometimes, I could feel her hips grind with the arthritis.... this from my most exuberant and energetic pup.

I don't know how many months Tim and I started talking about putting her down before we finally did. We knew it was going to happen eventually... I guess I probably started crying months before it was finally time. I knew I would know when it was time, and I did, but it was still the worst experience of my life.

Don't feel guilty about feeling "relieved." In a way, I don't think YOU feel relieved -- what you are feeling is Lucky's relief. She is letting you know that you did the right thing. So don't feel guilty about it either...

Love to you,
Jennifer

Jennifer, thanks for your kind words. It really is the most distressing experience just watching your little baby's life ebbing away. Lucky was becoming very slow but I just did not know whether she was in pain. The vet gave her painkillers and she was on these for the last few months but I could not see any noticeable effect. I really found it an impossible decision to let her go because I could not take a clear objective view. I still don't know whether I should have held on for a few more weeks or maybe a month or two.

Steve,

I used to agonize about whether or not I cut Jesse's life short. But now I don't - do you know why? Because it's done. I can't take it back and he was suffering. About 6 months after that I almost died in the hospital from pneumonia and I remember thinking how different it is for humans. We have all sorts of medications and procedures and we can TELL each other how we feel.

With our pets we have to use our hearts and logic. I am sorry that Jesse died, but my decision was necessary and second guessing it only hurts myself. It seems a shame to take all the love Jesse and I had for each other and turn it into pain. Jesse wouldn't want that.

And neither would Lucky.

Freyja was on rimadyl for the arthritis. And one day I went to the vet and said "Screw that -- she needs PAIN killers..." And the vet said "If she is really hurting, you need to think about putting her down..." And I said "Gimme pain killers!" So he did. She was only on them for a month or so, and there wasn't a huge difference. And after she stroked out or whatever, she didn't seem to be in pain. She couldn't move -- but hey --- she wasn't in PAIN. She bit the vet when he tried to find the vein to put her down... She'd never even SNAPPED at anyone much less bit them. And in my heart, I can't help but think she bit him bc she knew and she wanted to live...

I don't know if that matters. She HATED going to the vet and getting shots. But every year, I took her. Bc her general health was more important than the quick pain of the prick of the needle. My brain is bigger. And even if Frey was gonna fight to live -- she couldn't MOVE. She could only move her head. And even if I was quite willing to feed her and water her and put a towel under her bottom... (all of which I actually WAS quite willing to do...), it would not have been right. Even if **I** could have her live that way, she couldn't...

What I am trying to say, Steve, is I always did the right thing by my pets. Even when they and me didn't like it, I did the right thing. And -- Freyja knew that. And Lucky knows that too. Maybe you COULD have waited a week or a month.... but Lucky WOULD have suffered a lot during that time. Maybe somedays less than others, but...

It IS hard to get over the feeling of "I killed my dog..." For the first month after, I wandered around muttering this. And -- well, I DID kill my dog. But all I can say is that it was an act of love. Freyja knows that, Lucky knows that and God knows that. Can you know that????

Love to you,
Jennifer

Hi Steve how are you doing?
I went round a friends house and their dog is deteriorating like Jude, however this dog has no fur and I can now see what others saw when looking at Jude I think shes got a ways to go but it hurts so to see this once full of life dog who jumped all over me whenever I visited be all skin and bone, Jude I'm sure was the same but the fur hid so much of it.
Guilt is a complex emotion, sometimes we feel guilty with no reason to, something we said or did, and the other person probably didn’t even notice but we chew it over and over in our brain.
If you had listened to the people with the clear objective view you would have acted months earlier, my friends and family gave up trying to advise me because it was going to be my decision and mine alone, nobody had the right to tell me it was time, they simply didn’t love her enough to give up their whole life for her and as I was the decision was mine.
When she had her stroke the vet wanted to keep her in to observe her overnight as the signs can be the same for an ear infection or a brain tumour. No way, she came home with me, if these were her last hours then she was not spending them in a cage at the vet.
I've said on here before and I stand by what I said if I could take the pain away from her I would have and in the end I guess that’s exactly what I did as she is no longer in pain but I am and that’s fine by me.
And to be honest if you hadn’t helped her up it would have been painful for her to do it alone, and in the end Jude would sometimes give a little whimper when we helped her as her ribs and belly must have been so bruised.
Wish I could take your pain as well but in time this will make us better and more compassionate people who show their families and loved ones how much they love them while they still can, that’s at least one thing that’s come out of all this.
And don’t think of the any time you may have taken from her (easy to say as I had the same thoughts) but the extra time you gave her by helping her as much as you did.
I could give you 100 other thoughts to torture yourself with as I'm sure you could me but in the end what it comes down to is at the time we knew we were right, (or at least some unfathomable force did), so therefore it must have been.

Love Sue

Jennifer, DJ, Sue, thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. Today is one week since I said my last farewell to little Lucky and I am still finding it hard to ajust. Generally I don't feel too bad when I am at work because I have to focus on other things but it is a different story when I get back to my flat and I am all alone. It will be very sad at 4 o'clock this afternoon as that will be exactly one week since that heartbreaking moment. I will find a quiet place in the office to spend a few minutes alone with my thoughts in silent contemplation.

Last Friday was the most horrible, heartbreaking day I have ever had as I counted down the last few hours of Lucky's precious life. Even at that late stage half of me wanted to give her a reprieve and cancel the appointment. But the other half told me that it would only delay the inevitable. Even when I got to the vets I was thinking about whether I should save her from her fate and cancel it.

I was very disappointed with the procedure. I was hoping that it would be quick and painless but it did not seem to be. The vet gave her one injection to put her to sleep before giving her the lethal injection. He said that the first injection would be uncomfortable for her but not painful. But when he gave it to her whe was growling and seemed to be in a lot of pain. I just started crying my eyes out as I cuddled her and I will never forget the feeling as I cradled her head as she drew her final breath.

Looking back I think I did the right thing. I think I was in denial about how bad she really was. Although Lucky's back legs were giving her real trouble she still seemed very alert and still had a huge appetite. I interpreted this as meaning that she really wasn't so bad after all but I think now that I was only fooling myself.

Thank you all very much for you kind words and I offer my heartfelt sympathy to you all for your bereavements. I find it very therapeutic gathering my thoughts and posting them on this board knowing that other people will take the time to read and respond with kind words of reassurance. I have not told anyone in work yet about my nightmare past week because I really don't think I can talk about it. I think one of you wrote elsewhere on this site that it is very difficult to speak through the pain but it is much easier to write. That is certainly the case for me.

Dearest Steve I will be thinking of you today at 4pm and will say a little Prayer for you and Lucky.

Fondest wishes
Sue

Sue, Thank you very much.

How old was Jude when she died? It seems from your previous postings that you faced a similar predicament to mine. It must be horrible to have lost both Jude and Sadie in such quick succession.

Anyway 4 o'clock is fast approaching. I am just reliving the longest, saddest walk of my life as I walked Lucky to the vets.

Thank you once again for your kindness.

Steve

Steve,

Quite a few of us lost one or two (sometimes three) in quick succession.

Edgar died of a heart attack and Jesse's cancer became unmanageable two months later and I had to take HIM to the vet and hold him while they... well, you know the rest of the story.

Sue, I really feel for your friend and their poor dog. Lucky was all skin and bone in the last few months. Her back legs were really thin - she had lost a lot of muscle and was in a pitiful state. I really feel for your friend, I will shed a tear for him/her becaus I know all too well the pain of watching something you love so dearly fading away. I hope that they enjoy their remaining time together.

DJ, my deepest sympathy over the loss of Edgar and Jesse. That sounds like an awful lot to go through in 2 months. I don't how I would have coped with all of that. When Kiri died 3 years ago I was devastated, I had never known anything like it. I just felt so empty and I was dreading the time when I would have to say goodbye to Lucky. The 3 year gap gave me time to recover and realise that in the long term I would be ok. I am therefore better able to deal with Lucky's passing because I know that time will heal. The sad thing is that I don't seem to feel the same grief over Lucky as I did over Kiri. I feel guilty about this because it suggests that I did not love her as much but that is simply not true. I loved Kiri dearly but Lucky was my always my first little baby. I think I am just less frightened of what lies ahead. Knowing that time heals is a very useful weapon in the grieving process. Just hang on in there and things will gradually improve. Maybe I am just grieving differently. It is strange how emotions just run riot and invoke more emotions in a vicious spiral of guilt, loss and anger.

Hey, Steve,

It's about 5:00 and I am reading your posts and sending good thoughts your way. I hope the last hour was ok for you.

It's a nice thought to me that maybe you learned to cope a bit between Kiri and Lucky's deaths. I lost Freyja May 28 and then Saki 3 weeks later on June 19. These were my first pets in my adult life (other than Electra, who is still here). I hope I learn to cope...

And I don't think you should feel guilty. I lost my Grandmother, also, on May 29 and like to beat myself up for crying more for my pets. But I think the grief is QUALITATIVELY different for each, not quantitatively different...
It's hard to explain. But it is what it is, and I don't feel so guilty anymore.

Thinking of you,
Jennifer

Dear Steve
I hope today wasn’t too bad for you especially seeing as you were at work.
Jude and Sadie had celebrated their 17th birthday in the October before they left, they were from the same litter, and my friend’s dog is a she, Cassie, she is a vimorana and now you know why I didn’t mention this yesterday because I cant spell it.
I can bravely say now that I think the grieving process is wonderful (for lack of a better word) wouldn’t it be awful if they died and we just thought oh well never mind!
It shows how much we loved them and how much were missing them and how important they were to us in our lives, I wish I could have saved every tear then I could have held it up and said see an ocean full that’s how much I love you.
Take care
Love Sue

Dear Steve, My heart goes out to you. I know what you are going through. I lost my "Babygirl" Michaela (Kayla) on May 2nd 2003..her12th Birthday. Much like you I had to make that decision. We found out on St. Patty's Day that she had a malignant tumor. We could have brought her to Tuft's in Boston for Chemo & radiation but at her age our Vet didn't think it was a wise decision for her or for us (money wise). He felt that since she wasn't in a great deal of pain we should just treat her with prednisone to try to slow the growth of the tumor. He said if I could deal with her "loss of control of her bladder" (the tumor was pressing on the bladder) then I should just let her live out her day's surrounded with love & that's what we did. My husband's X-wife is a Vet tech where we bring our "kid's" and I called her about 2 weeks prior to putting Kayla to sleep. I too kept questioning myself if I should let her go on and if I was doing the right thing for her or was I doing it for myself. She reassured me that as long as Kayla was eating and still came to greet me to let her keep going but she also told me I would know when it was time. I kept telling Kayla, "Baby, you have to make it to your Birthday & if you do Mommy will make you a NY Sirloin steak"! I had noticed about a week before that her breath was really rancid so I knew something was going on. Well, for her B-day I went and got her sirloin as promiced. I had the broiler going when I noticed she had blood on her fur and there was blood on the floor. I took a paper towel and wiped her and the floor. I then swabbed out her mouth and it was full of blood. I think I went into denial for a minute or two; I then swabbed it out again and there was more..I then went into a panick. I now realized what the rancid smell was, she was bleeding internally. I called the Vet's & told them what was going on & I thought the time had come. My delima at this time was I couldn't get Kayla into my SUV so i had to wait for my husband to get home so we could bring her over in the car. The up side to this is that I was able to cook her the steak I promiced her and she ate it! Our experince with euthanizing a beloved furry kid has been really good. The whole staff was kind and sympathetic and Kayla passed on to "Rainbow Bridge" very peacefully. In the past I had to do the same for my brother's dog (who he ignored) and my faithful cat Spunkie. I think what I did different from you was that the weekend before this happened, I went to a local Pet cemetary/crematory and got all the info I needed so I knew what I wanted. We had Kayla cremated (alone) and I picked out a burial urn. We gave the vet all the info and they called to have her picked up and returned there & then all I had to do was go back to pick her up (that was tough) and bring her back home. I have her buried in one of my window (garden) boxes that are on my deck and I have a Sleeping Angel on top and she is surrounded by flowers! It is going on 3 months and I still cry because I miss her so much..yet having her so close brings me comfort, esp this time of the year because she and I always were outside on the deck together; she was "My Sun Puppy"!! I'm also going to have a plaque made to put in her favorite corner of the deck..God forbid if anyone should have sat there when she was here!! It's going to read, "Kayla's Korner" and her date's on it. In closing, it might be helpful if you got another furry child..I did..THREE!! I adopted 3 little kitten's (who lost their mitten's) and they bring such joy to my life! I have still cried because I know Kayla would have Loved them and they would have Loved her! (Kayla Loved my Mother-In-Law's cat) You could also see if you could plant a tree where you use to walk Lucky; to see another dog "making use of it" and to see a living thing might bring you some happiness! I wish you well..it takes a long time to get over this..don't be ashamed or afraid to shed your tears;you would be surprised to find out how many people are "True Animal Lover's" but never say anything because they think other's won't understand but they do and they are out there!! You Take Care, Kathy PS..I just had one of my Kid's crawling on me..Big Smile!!

Thank you all again for your kind words and thoughts. I had my quiet little moment of remembrance on Friday at work. It is a bit difficult in a busy work environment. Being at work is actually quite a nice sanctuary from my grief. There are not as many reminders of little Lucky to keep stirring up my grief. It always hits me hardest when I get home and she is not there waiting for me.

Kathy, my heart goes out to you over the loss of Kayla. I hope you are coping well with it. I am sure the three little kittens help. I will not be getting any other pets for the foreseeable future. My personal situation was not ideal but was the result of various unforeseen cir%%stances. Poor little Lucky spent every weekday stuck in the flat alone while I was at work. At the weekends when I was there she would spend most of the day fast asleep anyway so it probably wasn't a big problem for her but I didn't really like to do it but there was just no alternative.

My thoughts are with you all

Steve

Hi, Steve,
Take your time with getting a new pet. After Freyja died I swore I'd never have another dog. Actually, I swore that even before Freyja died!!! She's been gone two months and we already have our new little Hathor dog. She's great. She's a distraction. The house isn't so darn quiet anymore. And yet... she's eating the paint off the wall right now. And we just had our first official spanking.

And yet she doesn't fill the hole that Freyja's passing left. And I do weird things (like get paranoid about her health) that I wouldn't do if I were more healed... So take your time....

Love,
Jennifer

Hi Jennifer, it sounds like you have your hands full with Hathor. I am glad you mentioned her chewing the walls and things because it has brought a smile to my face. I remember when Lucky was a pup she used to chew the skirting boards and shred duvets etc, etc... It's nice to look back and think of her with laughter rather than tears.

What breed is Hathor and how old is she? She can never fill the void left by Freyja but it must be nice to have a little pup running around the house again.

I am definitely not ready to get another dog just yet. For the last couple of years my life has been totally dictated by Lucky and I need to get things back into order. For the last 2 years I have lived in one country (Holland) with Lucky while my wife and children lived in another (England). We all left Holland 2 years ago when the job I was doing ended and we all moved back to the UK. Unfortunately, because of her age and inability to build up rabies antibodies Lucky was not able to return to the UK without going into quarantine (ie stuck in a cage for 6 months with very little contact). Given her age this really was not an option. I therefore had to search for another job in Holland so that I could be with Lucky. This was a far from perfect solution but I just could not abandon her or bear to put her in quarantine which I think would have killed her.

Looking back, I am not convinced that the quality of life Lucky had during the 2 years we lived like this was really worth it. It all adds to the emotional turmoil I am going through at the moment but all I can say is that I did what seemed right at the time. It may seem callous that I put Lucky before my wife and children but this is not really true because if I moved back to England I would probably have had to work away from home anyway. There are very few opportunities for the work I do in the area in which I live and due to government activities in the area where we live our house has been unsellable for the last 3 years so we do not have the option to move to were the work is. Now that little Lucky has passed away I have a little bit more flexibility and freedom to move so hopefully I can start to put things back in order and at least I can see more of my family.

Sorry for boring you with all the details

Steve

Dear Steve you sound like a man after my own heart what so many people don’t get is that when they take on the responsibility of an animal it is for life, I hope your children will grow up to realise this and appreciate what you did for Lucky makes you one of the best dads in the world. If nothing else they know that when they need you you will go to any extreme to be with them.
Not heaven or earth would have separated me from Jude and Sadie (Ok that’s a lie heaven did separate us) when my husband and I went through a bad patch I only stayed with him because of the dogs!!!
I wish you every happiness in your new life and you can go forward knowing that Lucky was very lucky to have someone who would give up so much for her.
Love Sue

Hi Sue, some people will probably think I am mad for doing what I did but I know you will understand that the bond between Lucky and I was just too important to me to do anything else. When we first got Lucky she was our little baby and when the children came along she had her nose pushed out a bit but she was always absolutely wonderful with the children. She usually tried to stay out of their way but if they did jump on her and pull her fur she was always very gentle. I have lasting memories of how she used to try to crawl out from underneath them so as not to hurt them rather than just standing up and letting them fall.

The children were really understanding of the situation over the last couple of years and even though they wanted to see more of me they never held it against Lucky. My little girl who is 4 last saw Lucky 2 years ago but she still used to go round telling everyone that she had a dog - she couldn't remember what colour her dog was or anything else about it (except her name) but she just loved having a dog. My little boy who is 8 did remember Lucky and was distraught when he found out that she was going to be put to sleep. I am going to take her ashes home and we will scatter them in the garden where she used to play.

It is very sad to say but now that Lucky is gone life will be a lot easier. I feel very guilty that I feel a sense of relief that I now have a lot more flexibility and freedom of movement and I will be able to spend much more time with the family. I hope Lucky would understand that this does not mean that I did not love her.

Thanks for listenening

Steve

When Electra cat was diagnosed with FIV, I considered living in a different house than Tim. Saki was negative and I wanted to make sure she stayed that way.
We finally decided that Saki's chance of getting it from Electra at that point were so infintesimal, that it would be ok. FIV is spread thru birth, bites and sex, and as she has never been outside, she must've been born with it (we got her from a dreadful place). But she wasn't diagnosed until she was 10 and had lived with Saki all Saki's life, so... Still, if it had been highly contagious, even though I love Tim, I would have moved out with Saki, and left him with Electra.

I feel like an animal is like a child. And when you take one in, you have to act like a parent. If you are not ready for all the inconveniences -- big and small -- then you shouldn't get a pet.

So I really admire you, Steve, for staying in Holland.

And it sounds like you nursed Lucky those two years. I know that when human loved ones die after prolonged illness, the survivors often feel guilty about the relief. But it is a normal natural thing to feel. So don't beat yourself up over it.

Hathor is a chow shepherd mix. She is keeping me busy. I thought I had wanted some more freedom and flexibility, but I just couldn't stand how quiet the house was. Neither could Electra (or Tim). And right now she wants to play...

Love,
Jennifer