It's been 4 1/2 weeks since Blackjack died. The hardest 4 1/2 weeks of my entire life. I've cried for 30 days straight (I didn't know it was possible). I can't eat. I can't sleep. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. My emotions shut down a couple of days ago. I think my body was telling me 'no more'. I haven't wanted to think about Blackjack but unfortunately my brain doesn't want to think about anything else. I've consumed myself with meaningless tasks to not think about him. But all day today I was consumed with anger. Anger towards everything. Blackjack, myself, the stupid thing he injested, my cat, other dogs on the street, the person walking next to me. Just angry at the world. So again I distract myself with a movie and when it's over, everything hits me again. MY BABY IS GONE!!! I'll never see him again. Never hold him again. Never walk him again. Never brush him again. It's not fair!!

I don't even know why I'm writing this here. I guess I just need to get it out. As incoherent as it my be. I thought that I would feel somewhat better at this point in the process, but I really don't. I tend to just 'not feel anything' at moments. Maybe that's considered 'doing better'. I don't know. All I know is that I want him back. I miss him so much!!! I want more time with him. I'm completely lost without him. He's been my baby, my constant, for 15 years...and now he's gone. I have a big gigantic hole in my heart and I don't know how to fix it.

Thanks for listening.

(((((((((((((Blackjacksmom)))))))))))

That is what this board is for....greiving and talking about it with people who have or are going through the same thing.
The anger you feel is part of the greiving process. You have to let yourself go through process in order to heal.
I know you are missing your baby, its overwhelming how much we miss our babies. It does feel like a big gigantic hole, but Blackjack still fills that hole. Though he is not there physically he is with you in ever move you make. Have you read the poem Rainbow Bridge? When I am feeling sad and lonely and angry I force myself to, and though I cry, it brings me such peace.

Here is a link:

Rainbow Bridge


Please let it out, I am here to listen as well as the whole board.
(((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

Michelle

Blackjacksmom,
I am so, so sorry for your loss and grief. In the beginning, I also had those continual days and nights of overwhelming emotions - you get to the point where you really believe you're losing your mind. Anger, sorrow, guilt, loss of control, wishing beyond belief for your furbaby to be back and for things to be the same as they should be - it shakes up your life more than it seems possible. And yes, eventually your body has to tell some part of your brain that it just can't take anymore. Hard as it is to accept, your body needs to be listened to, much as your brain doesn't want to accept. I know it's easy for me to say, but you can't let yourself lose yourself (if that makes any sense) because if you think about it, and as much as Blackjack loved and cherished you, he would not want you to die inside on his behalf. He loved you too much to want that for you.

As I see it, you are in a torment which will lead to your health being damaged, and Blackjack would never want or expect that. The grief and the overwhelming anger are entirely to be expected, unfortunately, and the feeling of the loss of control and wanting him to be back - you're not losing your mind, you're reacting in an unfortunately totally normal way. And you're not incoherent, either, you're going with your emotions, and we all do that and expect that from each other.

Please come back and let us know how you're coping. I've learned through my losses that sharing my sadness, anger, guilt, etc., with other people who have experienced those things, and want to help us, does help immeasurably. Please take care of yourself, see a grief therapist if you think it will help in any way, and come back at any time. Someone is almost always here. Take care - Barbara

I am sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. Cry if feel like. It helps. I lost my Snoopy (dog) 2 weeks ago. My sorrow is deep. I found relief by reading the Bible about God's promise for eternal life. Perhaps do some reading on similar topics in your belief. Your pet definitely wants you to live happily.

I can totally understand where you are coming from. I think similar thoughts. Like I will never play ball with her in the backyard or when I get home, hear her cute yawn/howl of excitment. I will never have her in here keeping me company while I am on the computer, or snuggle with her at night again. I am just trying to make it through each day as you are.
Try and think of Blackjack and all the great times you had with him. Think of how happy he used to be to see you and think of when you will see him again. I know it seems like it will never get easier, but perhaps when we find some inner peace, the pain will lessen. *hugs*

thank you all for your kind words and loving thoughts. i always find some comfort in coming to this site. it pains me to read about everyone's loss and hurt, but as much as i'm struggling and as alone as i feel, knowing that that we all are together in our sorrow, makes it seem a little less lonely. thank you.

I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I lost my dog on June 7th. I've gone through every emotion possible. Now I am faced with having to put my cat down tomorrow. It's absolutely awful.

I'm not sure there is anything anyone can say to ease your pain, but sometimes it helps just writing down your feelings, and knowing others are experiencing the same pain as you.

I hope time helps to ease your pain and heartache.

I too am very sorry to read about your grief and pain about Blackjack...healing will take time, and sometimes a very long time. Or hopefully, it slowly will get easier?

Take care and know that there are others who understand and care for what you are going through...

RIT