My best beloved Furry, only 12 years old, had to be put to sleep yesterday at 4p.m. She'd had a battle with Hypertrophic cardiopathy since October 2004. She was on so much medication & in February this year she lost the use of her back legs due to a blood clot. The vet wanted to put her to sleep then, but I wouldn't let him & after 2 days she was up & walking again. So when the paralysis returned I believed she would recover again. Even on Sunday morning when I carried her out into the garden, because she was paralysed, I was still hoping for a miracle. But at midday she collapsed even more & lost control of her bladder. I feel so guilty because I still waited & hoped. This meant that instead of being put to sleep without pain she had a terrible last half hour of crying out & gasping for breath. I feel as if my heart is going to break & I want to die with her. When the Vet came it was a quick & painless end, but why didn't I do it sooner? She died on the bed with me holding her & talking to her. But I am torn apart by feelings that I should have done more - taken her to the Vet's more? Spent more time with her, as even the day before & on the day of her death I went shopping. Now my huband wants to bury her in our garden but it seems so final that I'm trying to keep her above ground. I keep going to look at her in case she wakes up. Does everyone feel as bad as this?

Furry's Mum,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I believe we all feel this way. Atleast those who cared and loved like we have. I know how much it hurts I just lost my precious Pumpkin on the 11th. I am devistated. Again I am sorry.

Michelle

I remember when my Magic died on the evening of 13 Dec this last year, I had to wait till the next day to take her to the crematory since it was closed by the time I found her. I wrapped her in a towel and placed her tenderly in a big box inside an even bigger box so my other cats wouldn't try to get in to see her. I kept checking throughout the night till around 3 AM to see if by some miracle she'd have woken, come back to life, just anything to change the inevitable. I knew the truth, the whole family knew the truth, but I couldn't help it, I wanted her back so badly. So, I can understand why and how you want this to somehow change - unfortunately, it doesn't and won't. The only being who ever did come back to life was Christ, I believe (although I know others don't believe that and I respect their convictions) and some people I understand can have near-death experiences, but this is what it is, and after one last check in the morning I took Magic to Heavenly Days, and now she's home forever and will be with me when I go someday, like so many other of my pets.

You can second-guess all your actions forever - and you may very well - but in the end, you made the most loving decision to give her the peace she deserved, in your arms. So many, many other animals don't have that last loving embrace, and my heart breaks for them as it does for you, in this time. In the beginning of the grieving process, and for a long time afterward, the guilt is the one emotion which so many of us have in common - and the what-ifs follow us for so long. It's a tribute to your Furry that she had your love for so long, and it's natural to want to see her recover now when she came through so many other times. But the final decision of placing her to rest does need to be made - even if in ever fiber of your soul you want it not to be. It can be the first step toward the acceptance of a grief that will change you forever, and in the changing, you may become a different person in many ways. Please come back and let us know how you're doing - we've all been there and this site has been, for me at least, a great source of comfort and sympathy. Take care, and with my greatest sympathy - Barbara

We all know exactly how you feel. My Spinoza crossed Rainbow Bridge on Tuesday, July 12. She was diagnosed with FIP one week earlier. I did what I could to keep her alive because she wouldn't eat or drink any water. So I gave her fluids daily. When I knew I couldn't let her life end this way in so much pain, I let her go. I still cry every single day for her.

My biggest guilt trip is that Spinoza spent one year in an animal shelter where I volunteered. She was caged with a big sign that said "must be only cat". My house was full with cats and dogs and I was afraid to bring home yet one more. But, finally, I couldn't stand it and I brought her home. She was the love of my life. She loved me so much more than any animal ever, I think. So, now I beat myself up for waiting so long to take her home.

I don't understand why we do this to ourselves. I think with time the guilt will dissipate and we will just remember the good times and all the love they brought us.

Please let yourself grieve. Let the tears come and surround yourself with people that understand. Come back to the message board and look around at all of us who care for you and know exactly how you feel.

Take care of yourself. Don't bury her until you are ready to do so. And when you are ready, have a memorial service. Plant a tree, or a flower that will grow tall and beautiful.

Joelle

I am so sorry about Furry. The worst day of my life was when my cat Pooka was hit by a car. Even though it was 20 years ago I remember sitting out in front of my house and holding him and petting him for a long time. I didn't want to let go. The pain was so bad I wish I could run away from it. For some reason it's natural to think of all the things we could have done differently. If you had chosen to put Furry to sleep you would be wondering if you had done the right thing or whether you should have waited. Be kind to yourself. You did what you thought was the right thing to do at the time--with great struggle, I might add. He is completely out of pain now, and he had the joy of you being there when he went from this world into the next. Karen

Thank you for all your supportive replies - it helps so much to know I'm not the only one to feel such grief. We buried her in the garden last night, with candles & incense burning. We listened to Mozart's Requiem as we placed her in the ground.
I put grave goods in with her- a gold ring that was my mothers, 2 photos of us together, poems & a letter to her asking my forgiveness for causing her pain. Also, her toys - a piece of string & a mouse on a string both of which she'd loved to chase, some crunchies for the journey & her water bowl. Finally I cut off my hair & laid it under her beautiful head so that she would have something of me with her there forever. then we wrapped her in clothing from both of us & laid her in the oak coffin that Steve, my husband, had made for her. .Steve laid her on a bed of catmint & rosebuds.
Now I have to somehow carry on without her, but at the moment my only thoughts are that I want to join her & end this awful pain I'm feeling.
R.I.P. Furry Furskin, best beloved.

No time is every right to say good-bye to a dear friend, especially when we have to make the decision to help them leave this earth. If we do it sooner rather than later, we feel guilty that we did it too soon. If we wait, we feel guilty that we waited "too long." You see it again and again on this site - the regret that there was something more that the pet owner should have done - one more dog biscuit while he could still enjoy them; one more cat treat while she still had her appetite, more petting, more walking, more playing, more kisses, more time spent together. But, the sad fact is that what I think a lot of people really regret, certainly I do, is that in the end we could not save our beloved friends' lives - that is the one thing beyond our control.

As to the timing - one can only make the best decision one can based on the information one has at the time. You had every reason to think that your baby might not remain paralyzed since she had come out of it before. So waiting was a decision made with love and concern for her welfare. Such a decision can never be morally wrong.

My prayers are with you.

Daisy's Mommy

Furry's Mum,
What a beautiful description of the ceremony you held for Furry Furskin. It brought tears to my eyes. I'm sorry for your loss, but I have no doubt you all will be together again one day, and all pain, doubts, guilt - all those negative things will be as if they never existed. You will never forget your furbaby, but you are on a path that will one day lead to some form of comfort. Please come back and share your journey with us, in good times and bad - we all know that recovery (if there is such a thing) from grief is a roller-coaster, but we've been there and we always will be. Take care - Barbara

I hope I have managed to post a photo of my best beloved Furry - she was so beautiful & her fur was the softest & her ears were like silk.
Today seems even sadder - I keep reading the diary I kept of her last two years. Knowing that she was alive this time last week, but that I had to leave her & go to work, luckily I came home early so there were a few extra hours with her. But she wasn't one to be fussed over all the time, it was at night that she would sleep on my tummy & wake me for food by patting my face with her paw. Although in the last month she hadn't got up in the night so I was always going to look for her & checking to see she was O.K. every hour or two. It would have been so much worse if her final illness had happened when I was at work or during the night & I hadn't heard her in pain. I am glad I was there right to the end, even though the memories are so painful at the moment.
I realise now that she was more ill than I thought. We all wish & try to ignore the bad things I suppose.
The tears keep falling & I think my husband is fed up with me, he just doesn't want to keep re-living her final day, whereas I do.
I hope you will all look on the picture of Furry & say a prayer for her.
Judith

What a beautiful picture of Furry! She was very pretty. I'm so sorry for your loss.


[/QUOTE]No time is every right to say good-bye to a dear friend, especially when we have to make the decision to help them leave this earth. If we do it sooner rather than later, we feel guilty that we did it too soon. If we wait, we feel guilty that we waited "too long." You see it again and again on this site - the regret that there was something more that the pet owner should have done - one more dog biscuit while he could still enjoy them; one more cat treat while she still had her appetite, more petting, more walking, more playing, more kisses, more time spent together. But, the sad fact is that what I think a lot of people really regret, certainly I do, is that in the end we could not save our beloved friends' lives - that is the one thing beyond our control.
[QUOTE]


Well said Daisy's Mommy. Couldn't agree more.

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish that I could say something, anything that would make you feel better but the only thing I can say is that I know exactly how you feel. Hopefully, we will all pull through this together. I just sit here reading the posts and crying. I am thankful there are other people who loved their pets as I loved mine. Nobody around me seems as upset as I am and I know they are getting fed up with me. I can't help it. I can't function. So read some of the posts from the wonderful people on this site and you won't feel so alone. I'm sorry if none of this makes any sense. I've been crying so much since last Friday that I know I'm not all that cohesive. I miss my beautiful golden every second. I pray our babies are happy and not suffering as we are.

Doesn't she just look so beautiful. I tried to function today- went to the supermarket but broke down when I saw the pet food aisle & everyone around me seemed to have cat food in their trolleys. I felt like screaming at them- take care of your cat, don't let it out on the road, give them all your love & attention. Then my husband told me to "get over it" when I got home so that was hurtful too.
I don't care if everyone around me thinks I'm a madwoman, I will love & grieve for my Furry as I believe she deserves.
Judith

Judith,

You have evry right to grieve as you need too. Not all people understand that. My husband is the same way "get over it".
I found this artical it helped me alot:


Dealing with the Guilt.

Guilt. It's a word that can invoke in us the deepest, most terrible feelings of loss, horror, anger, and helplessness. Why did I do what I did? Why couldn't I have done more? Did I kill my beloved pet? Did I not do enough? Did I do too much? Did I put him/her down too soon? Did I wait too long? If only I had closed the gate. If only I had noticed sooner. If only I had waited longer. If only I had more money. If only I had rushed to the vet sooner. If only I had known more at the time. If only I had listened to my gut feelings. If only I had gone to a better vet.

And we beat ourselves up for all these questions and "if-onlys". Why do we do this? Because we loved our pets. Because we wish we could have done more, or wish we had not done what we did.

But we cannot bring them back. We cannot change what we did or did not do.

What we can do is stop hurting ourselves over the guilt. Each of us, in our own way, did what we thought was right at the time, using what we knew and felt. Each of us tried to do the best we could, and did it with the intention of love.

We are human beings, with frailties and faults. We don't know everything. We make mistakes. But we make them with the best of intentions.

To hurt ourselves with the terrible additional pain of guilt is to do disservice to the love we felt for our pets. With very, very few exceptions, we did the best we knew to do at the time. Even if we feel that we didn't do what we should have, or did what we should not have, we have learned, and everyone will benefit from that knowledge now.

Our beloved pets are gone, and out of pain. We still torture ourselves with the pain of guilt and doubt. It's human to do that, too, but are we being fair to ourselves?

We loved, deeply, and that says that we have a deep capacity for love that many do not. We are basically good people. Should we not recognize that goodness, instead of inflicting pain on ourselves for what we could, or should, or should not have done?

We took in a beloved creature, and gave him or her everything we could. We petted, we walked, we fed, we changed litterboxes, we played, we stroked, we sat sleepless on difficult nights. We cared, and did everything we knew to do at the time. And we looked in their eyes, and knew they understood that we loved them, and knew that they loved us.

If we didn't know enough, or made an innocent mistake, do we believe that they did not understand, and love and forgive us in spite of it? I believe they did, and that they do.

We need to forgive ourselves. If we can, we can increase our knowledge, reach out to help others, and use our pain to make things better for our pets, for others' pets, and for those animals out there who are alone and lost. We can make a difference. But only if we quit hating ourselves, blaming ourselves, for being human.

Let the guilt go. Know that your furbabies don't blame you; they understand, because they know your heart. Let yourself forgive yourself, and allow all the love you have to be there for another. There are so many who need it.

Learn, and then teach. Keep learning, and don't stop. Every pebble of knowledge and caring you send out will ripple throughout the world, and keep growing. And perhaps in time, every animal will be loved, and well-cared for, and there will be a great golden age for the animals, and for those of us who love them.


Ginger-lyn Summer
September 10, 1999

I hope this helps you.
Your baby was beautiful. I am so sorry again for your loss.

Michelle