On Saturday, July 15th, 2006 at ~ 10:30 in the morning I had to choose suffering, or peace for my beloved friend and pet, Chelsea. She was 10 years old and 3 months to the day. She was a Muted Calico Persian, of the gentle and sweet persuasion. She and her brother Teddy Bear, (a Blue Persian) have been my faithful and constant companions for over 10 years. Chelsea was closest to me. Her death has caused me unspeakable grief. When her grave was dug, I wanted to crawl in with her. Is this normal?....can't be....but to put her in a cold foreign ground away from her home seemed hideously harsh to me. I had taken her on a 3 day vacation with me to the shore...3 hours away. The guilt, that I had somehow created stress for her, by being in a car for 3 hours, hit me like a ton of bricks.

I cannot stop crying for long. Periods of weeping interspersed with periods of numbness, sleepless nights, an aching heart without relief.....I feel her jump onto my bed at night...tippy toeing to me...lying down....I can hear her purr. Am I going crazy? I have experienced this before....with another furry friend....she still comes to me gently in the night.....less frequently than before. Have any of the rest of you felt this kind of mystical experience? I even hesitate to write about it as it seems so unlikely......so insane. I know the pain will subside, even lessen to a sweet soft memory that will bring me pleasure instead of this terrible flow of liquid hurt being poured out for her. I ache for all of us walking the same road, each to a different stride, in a different time.

TO CHELSEA

Another friend was put to sleep.
Our ties are broken
My wounds are deep.

I rocked her gently to my breast,
I kissed her face, her dainty paws,
Then gave her to God for eternal rest.

I miss you so much Chelsea Girl. You have a part of my heart buried with you.

Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss, and none of your feelings or emotions are abnormal or unusual at all. Grief is individual for everyone, and all of what you describe makes sense to me, and your poem is absolutely beautiful and heartfelt. How is her brother doing?

If I had had any of your mystical experiences, I think I'd be so grateful for the visit. I've never actually had something like that happen to me, but I'm convinced that at least one of my departed cats comes around sometimes. Occasionally one of my remaining cats will stop completely in whatever they're doing, and stare into the corner of my bedroom by the door. We've come to call this experience "Floating Heidi" and the whole family thinks that Heidi is here at those times. No, you're not insane - I think you're blessed to have those visits, and I think with time those visits will be a lovely and welcome part of your life.

This doesn't take away from any of your grief, I know. I think that only those of us who've been lucky enough to become so close and loved our pets so much can understand the heartbreaking, aching, sickening feeling of loss. The first days can be absolutely unbearable, and you can only take it one day at a time at first, but please understand that there is no rule book, and no pattern, and no timetable for this kind of loss. I think you probably already know that from your previous loss, but each time this happens it hurts as if it's the first time. When I lost Magic in December, I grieved terribly, and when I lost Groucho 3 weeks ago it hurt just as much. It never becomes any less painful whenever and however it happens.

Chelsea was blessed to have you in her life, and to have to make the choice you did shows how much you cared for and loved her. Not everyone believes it, but I like to think, and I'm convinced, that one day we will be reunited with our departed loved ones.

I send my deepest sympathy for your loss, and I ache for your loss as you ache for all of ours. Take care - Barbara

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved kitty. I had to have my kitty euthanized two weeks ago and even though I think of him every day, the excruciating pain is not as bad. I cried like you. I would go through periods of just extreme sorrow. I even yelled at God. I went through all the emotions. The intensity of the pain and the fact that I allowed myself the luxury of many crying jags, helped me start to heal. I wrote like you did. I wrote about Chestnut and what made him special because I did not want to forget. In fact I always tear up when I post, but that is good, because the healing is still occurring. One of the things that Chestnut did was lift up on his hind legs to meet my hand for a pet. He was a lover. Even an occasional drooler. But I didn't mind. I loved it. He would stretch his paw out at me and I just loved that. I am now crying again. The pain is still there. Noone seems to understand except for those of us who post on this website. I do understand completely what you are going through. Please don't ever feel that anything you do in the grieving process is unusual. You have a big heart and loved your kitty. I totally respect that. You are not alone.

Chestnut's mommy (Catherine)

Oh how I can empathize with you. I understand completely what you are feeling. When I lost my Rocky I wanted to die right along with him. I didn't know how my life could go on without him there with me. It's a very scary feeling because you think to yourself, this is a cat, nothing to get crazy about. But, until you experience that loss, you don't know the depth of your feelings for your companion. Obviously I've recovered from those feelings but every day is a reminder off him being gone and it still hurts (he died in January).

You will get through this, though right now you are in terrible grief. Just keep reminding yourself you had a wonderful life together and have all of those memories to fall back on. I know this doesn't help you at the moment, but in awhile you'll see.

In the end take care of yourself and allow plenty of time to grieve. Remember as well you have her brother and he needs your support too. Together you'll make it through all of it.

Chris

Oh I'm so delighted Chelsea's visiting you! Now you know for sure that she is with you and Teddy, not lost at the coast. Go back out to the Pet Forum page, and scroll down to CyberShoulder. Open that, then select the posting Visits from Pets after passing on (or thereabouts). You'll see several of our stories, including a visit I had from Mink, only I didn't know it was him at the time because it was so loud and bold. She'll come visit in your dreams too.
Hugs,
Kimberly