My cat, Connor, died two days ago. He was alive for half of my life and I can't believe he is gone. I watched him fading and the night before he was having trouble walking. Through the night he cried once in a voice I didn't recognize and the pain was so evident on his face that I was sick and angry at myself for letting him get to that point. By early morning he couldn't even get up. I was literally shaking with the thought of taking him to be put to sleep. I took him and I am so sorry on the one hand but I know that it was better than to let him die slowly in pain. I have many emotions going on. I feel helpless. I feel out of control. I have a lot of guilt. I am angry. I'm scared. I'm heartbroken.
One thing that I am scared of is forgetting him. Having his memory fade...forgetting things like the sound of his voice etc. I've had other pets and some from my childhood I can barely remember the details at all. I've always thought that I would have pets my whole life. But the thought of my memories of him fading like that I just can't take.
I just want to go back in time you know. I can't believe that I have to go on without him.

I am so sorry about your loss.

Believe me, everyone on this board is feeling or has felt what you feel. It is a hard decision to put a pet to sleep, but just remember you did it out of love.

I have read on here repeatedly that we take on our pets pain by putting them out of theirs. And it is a lot to take on, but you helped Connor to avoid suffering.

I know it's hard to imagine life without our pets in them. It hurts. And sometimes the sorrow and sense of loss feels overwhelming. It's normal to feel this way--you have lost a family member, and it takes time to get through it.

You can do many things to remember your boy. Make a special photo album dedicated to him. Write a poem about all the attributes you want to remember, or just make a list of why you loved him. If you don't have video or audio of his voice, write about it. What words would evoke his voice in your memory years from now? I know my boy had a specific yipe-y noise that he made when he wanted my attention. The word "yipe" (if that is even a word) makes me think of that sound exactly.

I am so very sorry for what you are going through. It is excruciating, and the feelings you describe are indeed horrible but normal. The important thing right now is that you don't try to force anything. Don't force yourself not to cry. Don't force yourself to try to remember. That will come with time. And I hope you will stop worrying about forgetting things about Connor. That sweet friend was with you for 20 years, and right now you might feel that you can't recall anything. Please be patient and gentle with yourself. If memories of your life with Connor don't come easily to mind, rest assured that they are imprinted on your heart and will be available to you again.

Jakey Boy's Mom made some good suggestions for projects. If you feel like doing something like that now, it can be great therapy. If it doesn't feel right for you today, save it for another time.

Please know without a doubt that you did the right thing for your dear friend. I had to make the heartbreaking decision to euthanize my own 15+ year old dog Spike on May 23rd. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever done, and I have owned and lost pets before. But the connection between Spike and me was a bond like no other. I always talk about the Spike-size hole in my heart that can never be filled. But remember that it takes great love and courage to decide on euthanasia. Almost everyone, including myself, experiences doubt afterward, but I am convinced that when we experience the feeling that "it's time", it is based on compassion, and is is always the right decision.

If you do nothing else, keep coming to this or other pet loss sites. The people here are the most sensitive, compassionate, caring I have ever met. They saved my sanity before, during and since I said good-bye to Spike, and they can help you too.
Juanita

I'm sorry to hear about your precious boy Connor .



I feel that you did the right thing.... You gave Connor a loving gift - and that is -- the gift of peace. When our furkids are very ill, we can pray that they go to Rainbow's Bridge in their sleep -- but, very often, we as their parent's have to help them in their final journey. Rainbow's Bridge is a wonderful place where our furkids go when they die -- there is no pain anymore. They are happy & young once again !

Everything that you said you are feeling is normal when we lose someone we love. Always know that Connor is with you -- right inside your heart. And, he loves you very, very much!

Please stay here and post as often as you need to here. Everyone here has gone through something similar, and we all understand.

God Bless You & Yours,

Denise