My best friend Frizbee (my persian cat) passed away in the early morning of May 5th, 2003.Even after a year, I still find myself crying either when I'm alone or during the night. I've become so depressed over the last year that I don't know what to do. I hide my emotions from my family, friends and my boyfriend I live with.

A week before Frizbee's passing, 2 small dogs from across the street had gotten into a fight with Frizbee. They pretty much ganged up on him. He seemed like he was fine, there was no bloodshed, he was just a bit upset. After that things went downhill. He didn't want to eat or drink. He was 14 years old, and he had a heart murmer, but I don't feel that was the main reason for him leaving me. I feel responsible for his passing.

I gave birth to my son 2 weeks before Frizbee left me. It seemed like I didn't have time for him. Before I gave birth, I lived upstairs with my mom for years. So did frizbee. My room was his room and we shared my bed. My mom and stepdad had built a basement suite for me, my boyfriend, my son and frizbee to live in. Frizbee didn't like it very much. There was too much change going on around him. I feel that he died from a broken heart. The last few weeks of his life, I didn't pay enough attention to him.

Personally I think he knew that he was going to pass away. The day before it happened, he wouldn't come near me. He didn't want to be in the basement suite at all. He passed away in his sleep in the living room upstairs under the coffee table. I never saw him. My mom came down at 9am and told me that she thought frizbee was dead and that she wanted my boyfriend to see if he was. I guess I was shocked at first. I told my boyfriend calmly what my mom had told me, and didn't realize what she had said until I had said it. I became hysterical. My boyfriend had to hold me up or I would have fallen onto the floor. I cried for hours. I didn't want to see frizbee at all. I knew I would probably lose it. I kind of regret that now. He was taken away that same day to be cremated. A few days after I received his ashes and he was then buried under his favorite tree in the backyard. I still have the collar with the bell he was wearing, and a bunch of pictures of him that I can't help but look at.

I don't know if how I'm acting is normal. I'm so depressed. I won't let my loved ones know how upset I still am. I also think that this is doing something to me physically. When I was at the hospital to have my gull bladder taken out, a Doctor had come to check on me right before I was to go into the operating room. He had discovered that I had a heart murmer also. I never had one before. My doctor says that it could be from stress. My grandfather had passed away in Augest too.(I wasn't as upset with my grandfather passing away as I was with frizbee, my grandfather had cancer and I knew beforehand what was going to happen) I don't know what to do.

Sarah! I am SO sorry about your pain and about the loss of sweet, precious Frizbee.

My sweet Little Girl had a heart murmur too. Her heart just finally wore out---it doesn't necessarily mean there was too much stress or anything. Sometimes it is just "time" for physical bodies to stop working. But the soul goes on and from that day forward knows only bliss and joy (that's why those who have had near-death experiences don't tend to want to "come back" even if they have families who need and love them. The joy on the other side is intense, and that's where our babies are).

Guilt is part of the grieving process. I think the reason for this is because we're human---not perfect at all---and we tend to have regrets about things we feel we did wrong, or about things we feel we should have done but didn't. In your case, you were having a baby---a huge event that does demand your focus (you can't help that. You would have to be superhuman otherwise).

Frizbee understands EVERYTHING now! I am sure he doesn't want you being hard on yourself. He loves you as much as you love him . Imagine the roles having been reversed. You would completely understand what Frizbee was going through, you would know how much he loved you, and you would definitely not want him torturing himself. You would want as much joy in his life as was possible. Love is a 2-way street.

If you adopted another furbaby some day, this wouldn't replace Frizbee. Love doesn't run out. You are obviously a very loving person and have lots of love to give, and those who receive it are lucky. Frizbee has always felt lucky, and loved, and I have no doubts that he wants you to know that.

I am glad you found this site. It has helped my healing journey/grieving process SO much. And there are certain people's situations that you'll find you can relate to in particular; writing to each other really really helps.

I am sending prayers and hugs your way. Please keep in close touch and let us know how you are doing!
-Little Girl's Mommy, Kathy

Sweet Sarah,

I joined this board about a year ago, and my first topic was titled "can't stop crying..." So I already feel you are a kindred spirit.

I had a really bad year last year. Within a 3 week time span last Spring, my dog died, my grandma died and my cat died. My mom has alzheimer's and (my husband and) I had moved back to be closer to my parents and help them. I had a new job. Husband had a new job...

There was a lot going on. You said that when you moved to the basement, Frizbee was having a hard time because there was so much change in his life... you recognize that in a cat, but seem unable to recognize it in yourself.

YOU HAVE HAD A STRESSFUL YEAR. Your grandfather died, your cat died, you had a new baby, moved in with your boyfriend... youve had a lot going on and you need to be gentle with yourself.

And you need to forgive yourself for Frizbee's death. 14 years is old for a cat. I know you miss him. I know you regret not treasuring every single last moment with him... that is normal. We all go through that. No matter how or when they pass on, all of us out here seem to be able to find a way to hold ourselves responsible. I do not know why Frizbee died, but I do not think it was of a broken heart. It is your heart that is broken, sweetie...

As for the "normality" of it all... Someone said you can expect a month of grief for every year of love you shared with your furbaby. So, no, you are NOT crazy.

However, if your depression is truly debilitating, you might consider checking with a physician about medications -- they have some good anti depressants out there.

I am so so sorry for your loss. I will send you happy thoughts.

Love,
Jennifer