After losing my Daisy on April 1, 2006, I luckily found this group. Reading and posting has helped me so much, but I keep wondering about one thing. I have read countless posts of people expressing their guilt regarding the end of their pet's life. And I felt terrible guilt myself.

I wonder why all these people, who obviously took wonderful care of their pets and made that loving decision at the end to let their pets leave without suffering, felt guilty.

Then I realized, that for me perhaps - it was less painful in a way to focus on my guilt, to replay each decision in my mind - then to face the reality that I could do nothing for someone I loved so much and that she is really gone. The what if's and the guilt serve to keep the more painful thoughts out of my mind.

Does anyone have any thoughts about this?

Daisy's Mommy

It's funny, but I didn't feel too guilty with any of the dogs I put to sleep. It was their time and I knew they were really suffering. If I didn't do it, they would have died anyway, but with much pain and suffering. I would have felt more guilty about that. Also, I tried to give them the best lives any dogs could have, often making sacrifices when I did that. I think that helped any guilt.

BooBoo's Mom - it's great that you are able to look at the situation so rationally. But, if you read many of the postings, it is clear that so many people, including me, feel guilt - for no rational reason. I am wondering why.

Daisy's Mommy

I wish I knew the answer to this one....I am the worst when it comes to guilt. It is very rare for someone to have to make that decision and not feel guilt over something, but I would give everything I have to be able to just that...BooBoo's mom makes me jealous that she is able to. We all know that our babies lived the lives of queens/kings, and were as spoiled as any animal could ever be, and when their time came for them to go, we allowed them to do so without pain and suffering....most people don't experience such a wonderful existance and departure, yet we still beat ourselves up over anything and everything we can. I find myself feeling guilty over the smallest of things and let those things drive me absolutely crazy. My husband said if I didn't have something, at any given moment, to feel guilty about my Sasha, I would feel guilty for not feeling guilty...that pretty much sums it up on my part! He says it's a way I try to punish myself for what I did to her. That as long as I am suffering from such horrible guilt, I am proving to her that I didn't want to do it, and that my pain over having to do it is always 'visible' as proof of that....in a strange way that really does make sense. Like it is a billboard that says "I love you and I didn't want to do it". It is an emotion I wear as a 'badge' of mourning for her being gone I guess, and as long as I focus on that, it keeps her memory closer to me. I think it all has to do with trying to keep some kind of connection with them. Just like coming here every day (even though it will be 2 years on the 28th since she has been gone) makes me sad and my husband thinks it makes my grief worse, it also helps me to remember all the little things about her. As long as I come here each day, I am thinking about her and all the little things I miss so much about her...I can honestly say that I can still remember each and every detail about her after all this time, and that is a blessing to me, so as long as it makes me feel closer to her I will continue to carry the guilt...I hope this makes as much sense to you as it does to me!
Your friend in grief,
Kim

Emotions are such complicated things. It's so hard to understand them or control them. I think we all react differently because of different upbringings and childhood experiences, etc, although it seems that the grieving process is very much the same for everyone!! Some will feel more guilt than others. I have read that "people pleasers" have a hard time with guilt because they feel responsible for everyone's feelings and happiness. People who had an alcoholic parent will often struggle with guilty feelings. You might search on the Internet for "causes of guilty feelings" and you might get some answers from Professionals.

I am going through guilt with Nugget. Because I was not home when the police arrived, I feel as though I could have saved him if I had been there. Also, since he did not die right away, the police had me wait for animal control to take him to the vet. He was shot twice, so I have to believe that even if I had gotten him to the vet sooner, he still would not have survived.

guilt, guilt, and more guilt. not only do i feel guilty for having to put my sweet blackjack to rest (the day i can say that and not see his precious eyes staring at me can not come too soon), and re-examining our 15 years together and feeling guilty because i wasn't with him 24/7 (as if that would have been possible), but i get a call today - i had been volunteering with the local shelter - and the lady asks if i can foster a dog who had until 4pm to find a home. i think and think and think about it, but i'm just not ready. as much as i don't want this dog to die, i can't handle having another dog in the apartment yet, sniffing in blackjack's bed(s), food bowl, etc. it's too soon (3 weeks tomorrow). my cat is barely acting normal; i'm still a mess. so now i feel guilty about this other dog AND i start thinking about the weeks prior to blackjack's death and the times i spent at the shelter should have been spent with him!!

from a logical standpoint, i can say to myself, 'it's all irrational. blackjack had a wonderful life. you were helping other dogs who were not as fortunate as blackjack. this other dog (and consequently all the dogs in the shelters) are not your responsibility. but what i FEEL is completely opposite of this.

i wish there were some answer to guilt and why we punish ourselves by concentrating on these feelings.

My husband and I have had to euthanize several animals over the years. My guilt comes from waiting too long, not the decision to euthanize. So - keep in mind that we have this compassionate gift that we can give. One of my cats, Blaze (8 years old) was recently diagnosed with liver cancer. The question is not if but when. This time we hope that we have the courage to do sooner than later. My memories of some of my other animals is that last night of suffering before we took them to the vet because we put off the decision. As I write this, I flashback to a last terrible evening with one of my dogs. I would much rather have the memory of Blaze passing from this world with dignity rather than us holding on too long.

I've thought about the guilt thing a lot over the past few days. I think the guilt comes because there's a decision involved, which includes room for error. Did we wait too long? Did we do it too soon? I know when I called the hospital to arrange to pick up my boy to take him to his own vet, I almost hoped they would tell me that he didn't make it through the night so I wouldn't have the terrible weight of the decision. (I'm glad that wasn't the case and that I got to say a proper goodbye and he was in a familiar and loving place when he passed.) We don't want to see them suffer, but sometimes there is a fine line between what is suffering, what is discomfort...how do we really know? And that is what eats us up with guilt.

With people, we often have the chance to discuss with them when it will be enough--what they can and cannot take or do and do not want. We don't have that luxury with pets. So we're going on signs and instincts and what a vet thinks, but there's no way of knowing for sure that we're doing what's best. We're acting out of love and compassion, but that doesn't assure us that our pet was ready.

And of course, with any death of a person or animal, we can always think of times when we were angry, didn't pay enough attention to them, and any number of ways we let them down. You know there were a million ways you made their lives better, but it's that "if only I would have..." that sticks with us.

Because in the end we are taking a life. We know that ending the life of our loved is the right thing to do, but you are making a purposeful decision to do it. We are not accustomed to doing so (unless you're a murderer). It goes against everything you believe in. Rationally it make sense, but deep down it doesn't feel right, nor will it ever.