Here I sit feeling so much regret and remorse that it's just eating me up. As you know I had to put my sweet baby Emily down on May 6th from Kidney failure.
I think I'm still carrying alot of the guilt because I think I made the decision to quick.

Let me refresh everyone's memory. Emily was drinking alot of water and going to the bathroom alot so I took her to the vet and they did bloodwork which came back ok but she was diagnosed with a bladder infection and also a heart murmur. She was given anti biotics for the infection and enapril for her heart.

Within a week she wasn't eating , getting sick, and she was lathargic so I called the vet back (mind you this was on a Sunday April 2nd) so the vet wanted me to bring her in first thing in the morning so she could be monitored, he also told me to take away her food and give her only water , which I did.

I got off work that afternoon went to the vet to find out how Emily was and was told the vet hadn't seen her yet, ( actually he hadn't came in just, yet he was out doing farm calls) this was 2:30 or 3:00 by this time and she had been in there since 8 am.

The vet came in later and did more blood work this time it came back she was diagnosed with Kidney failure, but the girl in the office told me it was the early stages and Emily would have to stay at least the night.
Needless to say she was on IV's from Monday April 3rd and on Thurs. April 6th the vet called me at work and told me Emily wasn't repsonding to treatment and that if nothing changed within 2 days I might consider other alternatives...ie: putting her down.

Well a miracle happend Emily responded to her treatment on Friday and they wanted to keep her another night to keep an eye on her.
I picked her up on Sat. April 8th and talked to the vet as a matter of factly and asked him " How much time are we talking here"? and he responded 6 months to 2 years but he said if she got down again we could do the hospital again but he didn't think at her age she would come thru again, she was 11.

Came home, the first week was rough. She wouldn't eat, she wanted everything that she wasn't supposed to eat but then I know it's not easy on a human to change food habits overnite so Emily was even harder to convince. However after a week she started eating the Hills k/d and she was doing really good.

This lasted about 2 weeks and she was right back in the hospital again, not eating, dehydrated so we did the fluid therapy again this time for 2 days.

I brought her home and she still wouldn't eat,I went back to the vet to get some recipes for kidney failure and when I came home I found a blood clot on the kitchen floor, called the vet again and I think he was trying not to get me to upset, because he told me not to worry just yet .

So I tried cooking her rice, chicken, and other recipes the vet gave me. She did eat but however she got diarrhea really bad, only this time it had blood in it. She was starting to lose her balance at times, her veins were collapsed, she was dripping blood on the kitchen floor when she walked.

Sat. morning I called the vet again and the girl in the office said he wasn't in yet but she would call him.She callled me back and said that the bleeding was caused by ulcers from her not eating and that her intestines could rupture actually her words were her intestines could explode... which sent me over the edge.

I set up the dreaded appt. for later that day for 10:30.When he went to give her the shot he couldn't even find a vein in her arm so he had to give her a sedative in her neck to relax her then, he gave her the shot.

I'm carrying all this guilt because I didn't get to talk to the vet I had seen the night before when I was there. There was another vet there that day that put her down and I never got to ask any of the questions that I want answers to now, of course I wasn't thinking clearly that day.

I did get to talk to the one vet about 2 weeks ago and I asked him if I put her down too soon and he said no but in all honesty what's he going to say.
Maybe this is all part of the grieving process I don't know I just know that I feel like I'm back to day one and all the hurt , pain and doubts are just like they were that first day without her.

Please help me, is this normal to have all these questions this late or did I make a mistake by not asking all this before I put her down.

Sorry this is so long but I really needed to talk to somebody about this. Things have been really hard this past week, at times I feel like I'm back where I started.

Thanks again,
Emily's Mom

You are totally normal. I also know from my own journey that you are going to beat yourself up no matter what others say, but as a vet tech, please believe me that you didn't put her down too soon. Some dogs in Emily's situation can live longer than others, but once they go down like that, there is no 'bouncing back'...especially at her age. She had a devastating illness, and there is nothing that you could have done to prevent it or cure it. If her intestines would have ruptured, I can't tell you what a horrific death that would have, and the horrific guilt that would have come with waiting too long. I know that my parents let one of their furbabies suffer for far too long ( he had cancer) and they still haven't gotten over the fact that they did that to him. When I was looking for guidance when it came time for me to make a decision for Sasha, my mom said 'You know her time is coming very soon regardless of what you do, and you know that there isn't anything you can do to fix her. By holding on to her, you are only making her last days much worse than they need to be, so love her enough to let her go.' Someone else here (sorry, I can't remember who) said some very powerful words that have stuck with me....we have no control over our babies getting cancer (or any other terminal illness) or growing old and all the suffering that comes along with that,but we can control the amount of suffering they have to endure along the way. Either way, they are going ot leave us, so if we can keep them from any unnecessary suffering that is the least we can do for them for all they have given to us. You did the right thing....
Love,
Kim

I know that I just lost Mocha this past Saturday, but I have been feeling the exact same way you have just this evening. Seeing you post made me realize that I am not the only one who feels like I let my baby go too soon. For the last couple hours, all I have been thinking is that I made a quick decision without exploring all other avenues. I could have had have Mocha's fluid from her chest and abdomen drained. I chose not to because the vet said that it would only give her a few more days...maybe a week. She hated going to the vet soooo bad and was so nervous that I didn't want her to go through that. I keep thinking that maybe if I had had her drained, it could have given her a few more days, and in that time a new treatment regiment could be tried..and just maybe it would have worked. I just don't understand how in one week, she could slip so bad. The week before, I had no doubt that she would make it until my husband came home this fall. I keep having such conflicting feelings...even as I write this. Rationally, I know that I wouldn't have had her put to sleep if it was not absolutely necessary to stop her suffering. I am sure that at the time you made that decision for Emily it was out of love. You couldn't stand to see her hurting and suffering.

I think your guilt is absolutely normal. I am sure that my feelings will not go away anytime soon. Your loss of Emily has only been two months. To some that don't have pets, I am sure it seems like more than enough time to "get over it" but I cant' help but think that it's going to take so much longer.

To Emily's Mom,

First, let me say again, that I am so sorry for your loss and the pain, confusion and guilt you are experiencing. Your story sounds like you really had very little time and most probably made the right timing decision. I'm not a vet, but I do believe that there were a myriad of problems related and unrelated to to the kidney disease.

My sad guy is a cat (don't know if yours was a cat or a dog) and I wa told the he had Renal Insufficiency and that I should come in to learn SQ techniques. At first, Renal Insufficiency didn't sound so bad, but I got on-line and discovered that this vague term was really Kidney failure and that my cat would continue to decline no matter what I did. I was able to administer SQ myself but was never able to find out how far along his kidney failure was. I know that medicine is an inexact science but it seemed to me that there must be some way to determine this, but vets seem to be afraid to give an educated guess based on lab tests even when they have comparison lab tests, they are reticent about life expectancy estimates.

What I can say is that my cat seemed to be doing OK on SQ at home (for almost 10 months) but continued to decline somewhat. I was advised by my vet to switch to a different stomach medication (to help reduce the the possibility and symptoms of ulcers) which seem to go along with this disease, and the addition of a red blood cell enhancement drug which was another problem found with the disease. Problem was that the switch in medications may have sped up the Kidney failure, or may not have, but the upshot is that my cat died at home only 1 week after switching the drugs. I've been second-guessing my decision to alter the drug treatment, but I was counting on the vet to give me the best advice he could given his medical training, reading of the labs, physical exams etc.

I've read the vets notes, and it was apparent, that the kidney disease had really advanced even though it didn't seem so to me, so it was probable that there was nothing to do and that the outcome would have been the same. Problem is that the vet never came out to say anything to me when I brought my deceased cat in and I've been second guessing my decision to switch the drug regimen, so I know how you feel about not knowing if you made the right decision at the right time.

I think that your sweet one had some really horrible ulcer conditions and was losing red blood cells quickly. I'm sure that his time was near, so you should try to get past your guilt. I still DO think that these vets ought to have sensitivity training along with their medical training. We pet owners, are relying on their experience medically and their guidance in making medical decisions for our pets.

I'm so sorry that you were not able to have the same consistent vet there for your final decision. It would probably have made your decision seem more correct.

I hope we both can come to accept the inevitability of the final outcome and that since we loved them so much, made the very best decision we could.

I hope this helps to let you know that you are NOT ALONE.

Emily's mom,
I also just wanted to add how we must trust our decisions at the moment we made them. We love our babies with all our heart, that is obvious, so we would have never decided to let them go if we didn't know at that moment in time it was the right thing to do. Me personally...looking back, it almost seems like my rational side was on auto pilot and just did what I knew needed to be done when it needed to be done. When I look back on that day, it is almost like a movie in my head, almost like I'm seeing myself doing something I wasn't really present for...I hope that makes sense...now, after the fact, my emotional side always takes over and I hate myself for doing it. I always seem to conveniently remember only the good days until my husband snaps me back into reality and grimly reminds me of all the reasons it was 'time'. If it weren't for him and those reminders, I would no doubt go insane. It seems to be the same thing everyone feels after having to make the 'final' decision for their furbabies, and I'm glad we have each other to help us through it.

onahotinrf,
I ABSOLUTELY AGREE!! I had to change clinics three different times because I couldn't stand the 'coldness' of the previous two I had worked for. It was almost like they had become 'immune' to it, and that just didn't suit me. I finally went to work for a wonderful man, Dr Thomas Jenkins. He has since passed away (last year) and his death was a huge loss to the community and all the animals in it. He was a devoted Christian and a loving compasionate man. He was a Veterinarian for over 30 years and he still shed a tear every time he had to give that final injection...and he was never afraid to show it. He would also always say a prayer over the animals body, whether the owner was in there or not, and treated each one as the precious soul they are. He was also very good about helping out his elderly clients with medications that they couldn't afford, or boarding their animals for free if they were hospitalized for some reason. He was a very large man, about 350 pounds (diabetes took his life) , and it was really funny to see him holding a little kitty, or sitting with a dog as it went under anesthesia for surgery and talking the most rediculous baby talk you could ever imagine trying to soothe their fears....I just realized I was rambling on about him, but he was a very special man indeed. I miss him dearly, and the world needs more like him!
Love,
Kim

Your story sounds so much like mine, except my dog had liver disease and it went faster. She was hospitalized and the vet said that when she came home, she would either rally or not. If not, another hospitalization wouldn't help. The vet asked if I wanted a do not resucitate order." I said I wanted her resucitated. Then I called my sister, who is a doctor, and she said if resuciatation is necessary in her case, it would only prolong her life a little with suffering. So, I agreed to the DNR. But, she survied the hospital stay. She came home, looking worse than when she went in, but mentally more alert - the next morning she went into a terrible seizure. I rushed her back to vet with the seizure getting worse and worse. Another vet was on call and euthanized her in my arms. I have all the same feelings that you have - should have I tried another hospitalization anyway? Did I act too quickly because it was unbearable to see her having a seizure? What would have happened if I said "try anything - just keep her alive no matter what?" I know in my heart that had I done this, she would have died suffering and alone in the hospital within a matter of hour. Yet, I still wonder - I think that perhaps this is just some type of magical thinking - my dog really could have lived.

I think that in a way it is easier to feel guilty than to accept that one's beloved pet's life is over and nothing can be done.

My deep sympathy is with you. I know how you feel.

Daisy's Mommy

Perfect, couldn't add anything to it except.. I too felt such awful guilt. To look into my Rocky's eyes was more than I could bear when I put him down. I keep hoping he didn't think I was a traitor, that he didn't hate me for what I had done. Who knows what goes through their minds at that moment, but I have to comfort myself that he would not have wanted to continue living in his condition.

The problem is we are not used to saying take a life. That is what we are doing in the end even if it is for a good cause. It goes against what we are brought up to do. We care, love, nurture, then we have to sometimes make the horrible decision to end their lives. But, it's the quality of life that matters, that must matter. We are their guardians and bear that responsiblity, to the end.

Take care all -

Chris

Yes, and when we put them to sleep, we release them into a place of utter bliss and joy.

Thank you so much to everyone for their kind words in my time of need. I really thought I had graduated so to speak but I guess I'm still on this emotional roller coaster and will be for a while. Anyway I just wanted everyone to know that each reply was very helpful to me and was very much appreciated.

I am going through the same "what if" questions. Nugget was shot twice, in the face and in the side. He was alive at the vets and they were working on him, but then he started fading. They had to resusitate him 3 times and the doctor asked me if they should stop. What a decision to make while I was histerically crying, watching my poor guy dying. The doctor explained that his injuries were too severe and he had lost oxygen to his brain. I told her to just let him go. His heart never revived. They cleaned the blood off his face, thank God that the side that was shot was face down. I said goodbye and kissed him one last time. I keep reviewing the cir%%stances though, if I had grabbed him and took him to the vet myself instead of waiting for animal control, would that have saved him? If I had not gone to work that day, I would have been home when the police came and I could have saved him. I drive myself insane with these thoughts, I guess I feel good knowing that I am not the only one. I know that all of our dear pets cannot live forever, but why do some have to suffer so? Why did my poor Nugget have to be shot twice and linger on to suffer? I am glad he is not suffering anymore.

To All,

There is nothing I can post that hasn't already been said quite eloquently except you can add my carload of what ifs and should haves to The Guilt Train. I guess we're all on the same track because we were the mommies they depended upon, and it's so damned hard to accept that we couldn't fix everything.

Juanita...missing my soul dog Spike (1990-2006)