Not up to doing anything fancy with coding. Just hurting. Feels like everything in my life is steeping in the grief after putting my dog to sleep this morning.

At least he was only really sick a few days, and I had one him one whole day to myself where I could say goodbye while he was still with it.

We watched the sun come up this morning after stumbling and having to be carried/drug (he weighed over 120 lbs) onto the front lawn. He was more alert than he had been in 3 days. He chewed on a few ice cubes, and seemed to be
enjoying the breeze and the sunshine and the nice day, he tired quickly.

And fell asleep with his head on my lap, and waited for the vet. The vet is a family friend, so she put him to sleep after saying her own goodbyes and carried him back to the practice and took care of all the paperwork.

He was 11, which for a Newfoundland is a good ripe old age. And while we always know we will outlive our pet, somehow, when the day comes, we are never quite ready for it. I wasn't. Am not.

I feel crazy being so out of control upset, but I can't stop crying. I've tried everything, going out in public, cleaning the house, working out, taking a long bath, being alone, meditating but it just steeps into everything I do.

I feel like I should just finish blast funacing my soul and going to the park where we would always have a great time. And force myself to confront the fact that I will be there alone from now on. But I think that would hurt too much. That I would just blubber like a lunatic and be dragged off to the looney bin. ;-) ;-(

Sorry if I've brought anyone down. But the grief is so fresh and hot that I just have to share it . Let it cool off. Kind of like bread out of the oven.

Please know how sorry I am for your loss and that you are not alone in your time of grief. It is never an easy decision to have to put our furbabies down. Please know that your feelings are normal, it is an emotional roller coaster and you are not going crazy. Everyone here can attest to that.

While there are no words that can ease your hurt and pain, please know that you are among friends here and everyone here is just so great and supportive.
It sounds like you were very lucky to have your furbaby for all those years and I'm sure he knew how much you loved him.

Please accept my apologies but I am going thru my own relapse of grief right now.

Other people will respond to your post and they will be more helpful than I have been.

I just wanted you to know that we are here for you.

I've been trying all those things, too, and nothing helps right now. It's so hard to hang on.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Magdalene

One more note. I just wanted to say that it's ok to cry, I think tears are very healing and while it won't bring our babies back ,it really does help.

I thought I was going crazy too. It's normal to have very physical symptoms of grief - screwed up temperature, nausea and even vomiting. I went through all that, and remarkably, I'm alive to tell the tale. Cry your heart out - cry as long and hard as you need to. Cry until your head hurts so bad you think it might burst, cry until you are exhausted. Then you will be able to sleep. Crying and time seem to be the only therapies for this kind of grief. But every day is a tiny bit easier. I know you yearn for your life to be back to normal, but you will never have that normal again, and that's ok. Your life will always be different, but that doesn't mean it will be bad. Some day, when you have the strength, you will give your heart to another dog and teach him/her all your lost baby taught you.
It's important to have some sort of memorial service for closure, whether it's setting up his own photo album, buring him or some of his stuff, writing him a letter, or just sitting by yourself remembering him and talking to him.
You will heal. It just takes time. I know that's the last thing you want to hear, but you already took the first step by coming to this forum and sharing your feelings.
Best of luck, and hang in there.

To Geebles:

I am so with you. I put my cat to sleep yesterday and I've been crying every since. I knew when I woke up that morning that it was the day. My Chestnut (beautiful domestic longhair red and white kitty) was very special to me and I can't stop crying. I keep telling myself that I need to shake this and get going. I'm actually moving into a new place this week. Of all the weeks this has to happen. In a way I'm glad I'm moving because everywhere I look, I see one of his favorite spots. The pain is so excruciating and just when I think I'm strong, a new wave of pain hits and there I go again crying. I still have one kitty, Bonnie that is with me. I want to give her lots of love, but even looking at her reminds me of him and I get so depressed. It's just terrible. Please don't feel ashamed or crazy or anything but the loving and sensitive person you are who just lost someone you loved very much. It's okay to let out the grief. It will help you heal faster.

Remember to take care of yourself too. I have to force myself to do everything today and I can't get motivated at all. They say this too shall pass and it's true. Every day we get stronger but we will never be the same, because losing someone you love changes you forever. By walking through the grief we forge new paths of understanding of the human spirit and of our connectedness with all that is. We are all connected and we feel that when we lose a loved one we lose part of ourself, but the beauty of it is that we never really lose them because they will eternally be a part of us.

God bless you.

I'm sorry for your loss, geebles. You're right, though- 11 is pretty amazing for a Newfoundland. He had a wonderful life because of you. It will take time for you to heal, and remember that your baby would hate to see you in so much pain. Hopefully in the near future when you think of him you smile at all your memories together instead of crying at the loss.

-Kat

Thanks for the support. The logical side of my brain *knows* that this will get easier. It's the emotional side that can't see it yet.

The house is *so* quiet. I never realized how many pops and creaks the house is making that I always attributed to Lancelot wandering around at night.

I went to the SPCA to allow others to have his toys and beds and 60 lbs of food etc etc. And while one part of me was crying my eyes out, another was affirmed that none of this was *him*. That it was all just *things* that are not part of him.

I had to talk to one of their staff, because I was donating meds as well, and they sohuldn't sit out on the loading dock where all other donations go. They must be used to people coming who are upset. My throat closed up and I had trouble talking so he just quietly handed me a clipboard and asked me to write the meds down.

It's getting easier. Crying less. But I know one day soon I'm going to be in my car, miming scratching an invisible giant dog's head in the seat next to me, minding my own business, and I'm going to look over at the driver next to me and it's going to be a cop, sitting there taking my license plate down....he's thinking --gotta watch THAT one. ;-)

Hi Geebles,

For right now, screw the "logical side of your brain". Grief is not a practical issue but a matter of the heart. Please don't try to rush through the mourning that is not only necessary but also a tribute to your dear friend. Trying to feel "normal" and holding back the tears does nothing except prolong the process. You didn't grow to love Lancelot overnight or in a few weeks, and you can't expect to get over him that quickly.

I had to make the heartwrenching to decision to have my beloved Spike euthanized on May 23. Sounds like a long time ago, doesn't it? Well, I still cry every day, several times, and my throat still closes up when I start to talk about him. I am crying right this moment.

About a week ago someone asked if I was "still" sad about Spike, kind of hinting like...enough already! From deep in my heart came the words "It will take me a long time to get over a 14-year love affair".

I wish you peace of mind and heart...and beautiful memories.

Juanita