On Friday June 16 2006 at 4:12pm my Zuulie took her last breath. She was 15 years old and had a presence bigger than life. She was an old girl but my girl. She had very bad arthritis and 3 days earlier started loosing that presence in the house she was so known for. Life started getting hard for her very quickly. So I made the choice and made the appointment. I was at work and unable to be there but her other mommy was. I was there in spirit and heart though. The Doctor looked at how she was and examined her and gave us our choices. My partner gave me a call and I spoke to the Dr the decision was made that she be allowed to go and rest. I started crying that moment and have really not stopped since then. She was my bestest friend and companion. Whenever I was down she would kiss my face and lick my tears away. Whenever I was happy she would get this high pitched almost squeal in her bark to show she was happy too. I miss those kisses specially now. I miss the long talks we had that shared all my secrets. I miss the constant that was in my life for 15 years. I feel like the lost puppy. I know she is waiting for me but the grief is so hard. The other dogs know what is going on and they are trying their best to be helpful with mommy but it just isn't the same.

I try to be strong because Zuulie wouldn't want me like this. But it is very hard to be when your friend, companion and confident are gone.

I know it's only been 5 days but I was hoping to be at least not bursting out into tears quite as much. I guess I just wanted to make sure I was normal about this and get some insight as to how others have helped theirselves through such a painful time

Thank you all

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. You're grieving and will experience the whole range of emotions. Now as for normal, normal is different for everyone. It may take some months to get over a companion, some weeks, some even years (or never). Now if your not functioning, stopped going to work, haven't gotten out of bed then it is time to see a doctor.
In the end just give youself the time and space to grieve. Eventually you will come through the other side with less pain and more of loving memories.

Take care,

Chris

I do understand how you feel.What made a deep impression on me was your description of your beloved Zuulie's last breath. My cat Taggy was with me for 18 years and her last breath had a profound effect on me.They were with us for a long time and it is a deep shock even when we are expecting it.I don't usually cry but I couldn't stop crying for 2 days. Now I worry that I don't cry.The grief is very hard to bear,and I do understand about your other dogs,I have other cats but it isn't the same. I try to think that she isn't suffering anymore and that she had a good long life and I hope I will be reunited with her one day. I still miss her very much and it is very difficult to come to terms with. Best Wishes and may you have some comfort.

The pain goes with time. We don't stay in a state of perpetual mourning or none of us could stand living. It hurts horribly, but it is a process.

After I took that hard last trip to the vet, all I could remember was the way Oswald looked when he was leaving his pain behind. That stayed with me for weeks. It would come back, accompanied by grief, unbidden. My eyes were swollen and red from all of the tears. You are hurting now, remembering that tough appointment that you made and how the doctor looked when the hard news was given. Of course it hurts; you are losing a big piece of your heart when that happens.

In time, though, I started remembering Oswald and the way he was throughout his life. When he was a kitten and knocked over the plant on the table. When he was a teenager and sprawled out on the chair. The way he looked as a senior, before he got really sick and before he was dying, rolling in the grass on a warm summer's day. You will, too. The walks, the play, the cuddling.

Those memories are as important as the last days we shared with them. Those days we spent with them, loving them and being loved back are as real as the hard, last days that we had.

In time, those days will come back to you in a bittersweet way. Your eyes will still well up with tears because that is the pricetag attached to any great love. But there will also be a warmth in your heart as you remember all of the good times.

You have kept that hard part of the bargain that you made Zuulie. You promised her a good life and a good death. You made that promise based in love and caring - you wanted the best for her and if there were any way to take the arthritis away and turn her into a young pup again, you would have. You are unbelievably brave to have put her comfort ahead of your own.

In time, you will know that. Just not right now.

dee dee

I am so very sorry that you have joined us in our various stages of grief, but you will find comfort and understanding here that is available in few other places.

DeeDee's message said what all of us need to hear in these times of sadness. I know the pain will dull in time because it has before. For now though, it really hurts.

Please don't add worry to your grief by being concerned about still crying after only five days. It will be one month this coming Tuesday that I took that last, sad trip to the vet with Spike, my constant companion and "souldog" for 14 years. Not a day has gone by, including today, that I haven't cried several times...at home, at work, in the car, in the supermarket.

What is "normal" is wherever you are at this moment. There is no scale or timetable by which to measure the grieving process although others sometimes try to make us think differently.

I hope that you will honor your beautiful Zuulie by allowing yourself to mourn for as long as you need to. Just as you knew when it was time to release dear Zuulie from her pain, you will know when it's time for you to stop hurting.

I'd like to share a little prayer of sorts that I say when sorrow threatens to overwhelm.... "Rather than mourn the absence of Spikey's flame, let me rejoice that it burned so brightly for so long". This doesn't always stop the pain, but it does bring me back to a place of gratitude for the 14 wonderful years I was privileged to share with my dearest Spike.

Juanita

Rest assured - you are normal! Five days is not a long time to "get over" the loss of such a dear friend. I don't think we ever get over these losses, we just learn to live with them. My Daisy passed away on April 1 of this year. Although I am getting on with life, waves of grief come over me often - mostly at night. I expect that I will feel this from time to time until that day when I hear her bark again and know that my time has come also.


I am sorry for your loss

Daisy's Mommy