Hi all,
I will keep this short, because we just buried Beaner ( Zack- was his given name).
All of this death and grief, makes one wonder what it is all for. He died of acute colitis at 14 years and 3 months, a condition that first appeared last year, about 2 weeks after Cosmo passed away. After about 6 weeks, and the loss of a few pounds, he recovered and was back to his healthy self by fall. This year, the episode started a month earlier than last time, and I guess, deep down, I was hoping for another recovery. Not this time, not for him, not for me, and not for my other furbabies who will miss him so.
The pain is unbearable, and so is the guilt, as I am sure most of you can relate to. To top it off, my trusted counselor, who has been helping me with my grieving process, will be moving out of state this summer. She is not sure when, I could have one more appointment or 3, noone knows for sure. What will I do now? I just passed my 1 year mark for Mo, and my 2 year mark for Creep, and she was helping me work "through it all", now there is noone that can help- except for you loving souls here at this forum.
I needed to let this out tonight, and now I will go cry.
Thanks for reading, and any insights,
Peace, Love, and Prayers,
Michelle

These are pics of some of my furbabies, as I posted pics of my new baby Wilson over the last 2 weeks, but this is a decent pic of Beaner- We will miss you, anmd love you always.

I'm really sorry about Beaner. Though it may seem that this is not bearable, with or without your counselor you *will* get through it. We get through it because that's what we must have the fortitude to do. Humans have to take on and deal with times like this so our furkids will have a good life with us while they are here on Earth. It is the price we pay for inviting them into our hearts and it is one we know we will have to eventually pay. You have had more than your share of sorrow the past several years but think of all of the love you have experienced. You have been blessed with a house of furkids who have given you their unconditional love and affection. There are a lot of people in the world today who will never experience that. We are fortunate to have known furkids like Beaner. May she rest at the Bridge. Now take care of yourself and give yourself permission to deal with this the best way you can. Don't beat yourself up emotionally over having to say goodbye. Beaner had a good life and a good, loving home with you.
Grieve for the loss but don't lose sight of that.

<hugs>
Ken Albin

Thank you, Ken.
I do see and appreciate all that I have had with my babies, but the house changes so much when they go. The personality here is different than when we bought it 6 1/2 years ago. Thankfully, I have Wilson who adds his own interesting spark, and refills some of the loss that we have been feeling. I think, for me, that I just need to get more furkids, no matter the cost on my heart, to refill, what has been lost, in their own way.
I am getting "through", but I am not at all happy about the effect that this is having on all of us who still remain here alive.
I hope that this is it for a little while, so I can really get "through". Too much during one small space of time, is overwhelming- I need a break for my heart to mend.
Michelle

I am so sorry for your loss. I too have cats and losing my dog Emily this past May I know the hurt and pain that you are going thru all to well. Please know that Beaner loved you and wouldn't want to you be sad , just remember he is in heaven playing with all the other furbabies.

Hi ((((Michelle))))!

Gee, I was just looking at your new post (regarding Wilson ), and I saw at the bottom that lil' Beaner passed on June 18th!!
I'm so sorry that I didn't see that to give you my condolences........

I know that your beloved Beaner was met at the Bridge by Mo and Creep.... She probably already has her Angel Wings!

God Bless You & Yours!

Peace, Love, Good Health & Happiness,

Denise

I am so sorry to hear about Beaner. I remember you were terrified of Beaner passing so soon after Mo. Perhaps Beaner waited until now, so your heart had a bit of time to mend.

I know that I certainly haven't been the best friend lately, but please know that if you need anything at all, you can write or call, or IM or whatever method of communication you want/need.

Take care, and remember that Beaner and Mo are now together.. I can imagine what a wonderfully joyous reunion that was!!!

As I sit here alone this morning, unable to sleep and feeling lost and confused, I came here to try to comfort others, as well as myself.
It has been 10 days since Beaner passed away, and the feeling is different than it was with all of my other babies (feline, human, and rodent). I feel like I can't cry, or talk about it to anyone, and that is not like me. Sometimes, I fear that I am turning to stone from all the grief that I have had since May 2004. I know I have been changed by it all, but these changes are scary, I feel despondent, detached, and yet the pain is intense. I used to have depression, and was on medication for 6 years, but this feels different, even the xanax I've been using isn't helping to calm me. I think I am finally starting to lose it. I don't know how I've even kept it together this long. If it was only grief, that would give me time to deal with it, but it is all of life's other problems that are distracting me as well, and that means that I am not going "through" it, it is just blocked. When I lost Mo and Creep, I had the luxury of time, but our lives have changed since then, and there is too much to do. If I take time off, others will suffer and I'd have to catch up in a frenzy, like I did last year when Mo passed and 9 days later found myself in the emergency room.
I don't even know how to describe what is in my heart and soul right now. I have rarely been at a loss for words, I am not used to it. I feel like I am drifting through my life, and sometimes, I feel I am being punished and I don't even know what I did. I've been the best furbaby mommy that I could be, I've tried being the best friend I could be, the best spouse I could be, but I am failing the tests of love and loss. I can say that because I have changed so much since Cosmo. I've become hostile and distant, and I used to be so forgiving, no matter what anyone did or didn't do to me.
My Faith is weak, and I am weak.
Even as I type, I am geting angry over the stupid typo mistakes I keep making. I know that I have always been a perfectionist, which is unrealistic, but close to perfection was enough, now that is further away than ever.
Thanks for reading, and any insights you may have, I have to go- the anger is really building, and the tears are flowing.
"Heaven Help Us All"
Peace, Love, and Prayers,
Michelle