Hello -

I’ve written this before but the software booted me and now I’m more frustrated. So I’m writing this in word so I have a hard copy of it for future reference. Don’t know if this will be good or bad at this time. All I know is that I have to tell my lengthy story.

Here is My story – how do I grieve? It has been three weeks and a few hours since I put my dear friend to sleep forever. Never to be seen (physically) by me again. And to this day I wonder how come I have not spilled the tears that most normally people do. Did I do the wrong thing or did I really do it for compassion, why did I do this? Why did I decide to do this? I honestly don’t know the answer. Was it really the time? I cannot change what I’ve done – how can I live with this decision? Should I call the vet to ask? Even though they said I was doing the right thing - in the end.

The story. I brought my puppy home (whimpering) with me and I slept with him next to his kennel until he got use to me. He became my pal, my friend. I didn’t even name him until it was well thought out. So I chose Sir. Chesterfield. Don’t ask me why, I don’t know but throughout his years he was known as Chester.

He traveled from Southern California to Minnesota with me in 1994. This is the year my dad died. He was 3 years old at the time and had quite a few airplane trips with me by then. He was my pal all the way. He was good, he comforted me. He was always there for me when I needed him most. He even dealt with me meeting my husband in 1993 – he. They accepted each other, that was about it at that time. They did grow on each other but not like the “mom” I was. He was my Pal. My Buddy. My Life.

For the last 7 years or more he had to deal with his knee displacement. I regret not having the surgery when he was young, But it didn’t show it’s prominence until he got older. So I didn’t’ respond to the issue. My mistake! I pray for forgiveness for not dealing with this.

Chester – my buddy – my pal! In the end he had fatty tissues, was going blind, and had an urination problem. I don’t think he was happy with all this - I’m not sure. He was happy with me – that I do know. I feel I was his comfort blanket. I found out today that I could have possibly taken him to the vet to determine if I could have given him drugs for the incontinence issues. This was only confirmed by a friend not the vet.

My problem – I keep thinking that I should have given us more time together. He was eating well and wagged his tail when he saw me. There was life. He loved me and I loved him. No doubt. The only thing is, when I made this decision I knew it was because I didn’t want to come home to my friend dying. He may have eventually been in a state that he was suffering unbearably. Was I wrong in making this decision? At this time I think so. He could still be here with me – maybe not comfortably – but still with me. Oh my god – I may have made this decision too soon. But was it – all that know me and my beloved Chester say that it wasn’t the wrong time – “it was time”.

My house smelled, he was uncomfortable, he slept tons of hours, and he was only living on my deep devotional love. I know this. But now he is buried towards the back of our property, in a shady area under some trees. With a wire fence around his grave, and a loving memory stone my friend gave me. With some flowers I have planted. Which are all probably washed away now during this past weeks storms. I feel so bad that I did this to my soul buddy. He was my life, he was my friend. How does anyone get over this? I have been told it is the part of life, but I don’t accept this. I have no children of my own so this is very deep in my heart to live through. I don’t know how to do this. I have not grieved like most people and I wish I could. All I know is I miss my pal and want him back. Oh by the way – I have chatted with some friends about this and I have told them – please do not forget that the decision you make when you choose to do this – is completely irreversible. It is constant and you cannot change the clock.

Now – I only wish I could grieve like the others. I have cried. One time (a week ago) many tears and loud tears. But I feel I have led an injustice by not grieving like I should. My very best friend is gone – and I need to grieve – but the emotional tears that everyone speaks of do not appear. I think of my dear darling when it is time for bed and such, but I only wish I could come to grips with my loss in a more physical way. I truly loved my dog – but I’m having a hard time with my tears – even though I feel they should be there for him and me.

Does this make sense – has anyone ever experienced this? Please help me, as I am grieving but not the way that I know I should be.

Your friend, my friend. Grieving

I don't know how well you're dealing with this now, it's been a little while. I don't think there is a timetable or a right or wrong way to deal with grief. I've done it differently with different pets, and I know I'll do it over and over again, because I love every one of my pets, cats, rabbits, and feral cats equally. I know that Chester seemed to have some amount of pleasure when you were around, but I think dogs have a strong sense of pride and he would have done anything for you if he thought it made you happy, even if it caused him discomfort. I didn't think my Groucho was that sick and that he certainly had time, but he thought otherwise and went off to die - he knew he was just staying around for my pleasure in seeing him, and that breaks my heart. When you've lost a companion of so many years, it's going to hurt, and nothing will stop that, and there will be days that seems unbearable, and just when you think you have it under control, something will trigger a memory and it will all come back. There is no playbook for something like this. I wish there were, and I wish I could carry your grief for you, but it's a process that's personal and no one but you can carry it. There are so many here who share your pain, so please know you are not alone and please come back and share how you're doing. Take care - Barbara

Dear Myfriend,

I am so sorry for your loss. And I know exactly how you feel. The most difficult thing in my life was to have to decide to put my love Guinny to sleep. He was my best pal too, just like you he was with me all through the hard and sad times. I could not imagine I would one day have to miss him.
I have an enormous respect for life and so deciding for another living being to die was very difficult, like it is for most of us. And it is scary exactly because it is irreversable.
I worried about the same things, did I do the right thing, was it too early, too late, was it the right thing, what did he think, was he dissapointed, and even "Did I murder him?" and why, why, why.
It is a very difficult thing. But I said it before and I'll say it again, it is a courages thing, because in spite of the love, in spite of the fact that we can not bear the fact that we'll have to go on without our furbabies, we choose what is good for them. Suffering is never justified when it can not be cured. You did an act out of love, because you did not want Chester to suffer. That is something to be proud of.
All you write shows that you gave it a lot of thought, but in the end you chose the best for him.
Animals do not think of death like we do. They carry there illnesses with grace and they always go on. That makes it harder for us.
As for your emotions, every one grieves differently. My tears are under the surface as well. I know they are there but they seldom come out. I had a lot to handle lately, lost a lot of loved ones in such a short time. So I do not rush myself. If I can not cry, so be it. It does not mean I love Guinny any less.
I'm sure it's the same for you. Give it time, give yourself time to grief.
This site really helps me, because here I can talk about these things that I do not even talk about to my boyfriend. It is a great support.
I hope it can be the same for you.

I wish you strength

Essy

Dear "Grieving"

Tears don't only fall on the outside. We cry in our hearts as well. Your post was written by a woman who is in deep mourning...whether or not it mirrors the grieving process of "the others".

My story of loving and losing Spike on May 23rd is similar to yours in many ways. I just can't tell it here and now, but if you need me to, I will share it with you.

There is an article on this site called "Dealing with the Guilt". If you haven't read it, I hope you will. And I will look for future posts from you. In the meantime, please know that you are exactly where you are "supposed to be" in the very personal grieving process for your beloved Chester.

Juanita

Making the decision to have one's pet euthanized has to be one of the most painful decisions possible. I always felt that one should make the decision for one's pet as one would for oneself or any human that one loved. I knew that when Daisy got to the point that, if she were human, she would say, "I am ready to die," then it would be time. She got to that point on April 1, at the end stage of liver disease when she was in a untreatable seizure.

To kill her before that point would in my mind be immoral.

So, the only question is -- would a human being to die if they were in the condition that that the pet is? If the answer yes, than euthanasia is moral and humane and there is no reason for guilt.


Daisy's Mommy

I am so sorry for your loss. I am a vet tech, and I find it is much better for people to euthanize their pets when the pet can still reconize them and still has some quality of life. I felt the same way as you when I put down my cat, Carl, after 18 years with him. He had good days and bad and the day I chose to put him to sleep was a very good day for him. He marched across my lap in the car, purring and enjoying the trip. I couldn't help the guilt, feeling I'd done it too soon.
But now when I see people bring in their animals to the clinic for euthanasia and the pet is just an empty shell, I see the guilt they feel that they had waited too long. Prolonging the suffering is much worse than letting them go with some dignity.
I will soon be facing that decision with my young dog who was just diagnosed with a brain tumor. Even with extensive experience with euthanasia, I will still be unsure of when.
As for grief, people grieve in many different ways. Just because you are stoic in your grief, doesn't mean you feel any less than the person who breaks down in the grocery store. I wish I could be a little more stoic - I cried until I made myself physically ill and my Meg is still here with me. I should be with her, giving her comfort and enjoying the little time that we have left, and all I can do is mourn her before she is even gone. None of us is perfect and dealing with the death of a beloved pet (especially when they are like your child) doesn't have specific rules.
Emily

Megsmom,

A beautiful message from someone with insight into the issue of euthanasia. I'd like to see your post become part of the "articles" section of this site.

Juanita

I know that these are extremely personal decisions, but since most people don't want to die when their quality of life is good and they recognized their loved ones, why would a pet feel differently?

I believe that living things want to die when their quality of life is such that their lives are functionally over. And since pets cannot talk, the hard thing, I think, is judging when your pets life is over - it is at that moment that euthanasia is appropriate.


Daisy's Mommy

Hello -

I appreciate all the kind words. They have and will always help me in this healing process. Yesterday was one month since I put Chester to sleep. I still miss him terribly. I visited his grave tonight and left two treats. Maybe another dog in the area will enjoy them if they are running about.

I still feel I should have waited - but as Megsmom said I made the decision before he would have suffered (anymore) or worse. It still is hard because he is gone permanently, gone forever physically. I have to keep reminding myself of the issues he was having with his accidents, his back legs, his crippling paws, and the sleeping 23/7. Even though he still showed his affection and love - even in those last few days. I feel bad - and I think of sitting at the Vet's and Chester bee-lining towards the front door before we went into the room. I wish I could get this out of my head. I keep thinking he was trying to say something to me - that it wasn't time yet mom. I do remember after it was over that he looked so peaceful and just like he did when he was a pup. The pain had disappeared from his face. He looked content. Now I pray and ask for a sign that he is okay with what I did to him and that he truly is free from all the pain. I will just have to be patient because I believe it will come - when I least expect it.

So again thank you for all you kind and thoughful words. I will check again soon. And I'll keep each and everyone of you in my thoughts and prayers.

MyFriend