I lost the center of my universe on Sunday June 11th. My dog Lucky was the source of my happiness and the light of my life. I have been going through a rough time lately and he has been the only thing that seems to make me happy. I could look into his gorgeous innocent eyes and the whole world and all its problems seemed to melt away. When that car smashed into his tiny little body it smashed my heart into a million pieces. The moment he left this earth he took my entire heart with him.

I can't even explain these past few days... I have felt completely empty and numb. I cried the first day but thats been it. Its as though I can't feel anything but anger... anger seems to be the only emotion that I can let surface... I feel angry at everything and everyone... I am angry because I feel as though no one understands how much he meant to me. I am angry because i don't want anyone to forget how amazing an animal he was. I am angry because he is gone. My lucky ducky is gone.

I want to know if this is normal... and if so is there someway to get over it and grief... I want to be able to cry and I want to be able to smile about the happy times...

I really want to become a part of this online community because I think thats what i need... I need to know that there are people out there that know the depth of my love for him and know how hard it is.

Thank you for listening and I will really appreciate any response.

There isn't anything that anyone can say that will ease the pain. I lost my Meiko on May 13th and I felt as though I wanted to die. Killing myself actually crossed my mind but that would have been selfish since I have 2 beautiful children and a loving husband. It has been over a month and I still cry a lot. I can say that the pain does get a little better with time but each person is different so what took a month for me to stop crying every waking hour might be 6 months for you. Each day is different for me. Some days I can't get out of bed because I am so upset and others I cry a little throughout the day. There are many steps in the grieving process and unfortunately only you can decide when you get though to the next step. I felt as though my whole world died with Meiko, he was the constant in my life. When my kids were frustrating me or I was upset with my husband he was always there. He shared the good and bad times with me. I actually cried more over losing Meiko than I did when my grandfather passed away and he was like my father. I was embarrassed to say that because I felt bad but reading everyones responses, it is normal. Our pets are like our kids and we love each other unconditionally. It is still VERY hard for me to accept that he is gone, but I am still in the process of teaching myself how to live life without him. Part of me died with him and I will never get that back. There is nothing that will fill the void in our lives that our pets filled. I can say that the pain does get better but everything you are feeling is completely normal. I actually got put on medication because I would wake in the middle of the night from a nightmare and just cry for hours. Those were the nights that I actually got to sleep. I am not taking medication anymore, but at times I feel like I should be. You will mourn when your heart and mind is ready to. My prayers and thoughts are with you. I am sorry for your loss.

Here is my Meiko that joined the pets at the Rainbow Bridge....

I think people here can appreciate your despair. I lost my girl Taylor 3rd June.
The pain at times is unbearable. True no one can take that pain away but I found that this forum helped because I realized I wasnt alone in my feelings. I also wished I was dead and again I thought of my family.
I couldnt deal with anything. Sometimes I was like a zombie.
Two days ago I got through my first day without tears (although my heart constantly ached) and blew it in the evening. Last night I cried like a baby. I do know that I am making longer periods at a time.
Now I can read my son his bedroom stories and have even started with the voice impressions.
There are times the pain takes over everything but there are now other times when the pain is not so raw.
A week ago I didnt think Id be able to say this.

We all deal with it differently. I have her pictures everywhere so I am constantly looking at her. I talk to her, I explain that Im only crying so much because I miss her and love her.
I feel better talking either about her or to her.
I thought no one could grasp how much she meant to me. She was my child with 4 legs!
I avoided friends because I thought they wont understand. I called the first one yesterday and she already knew how devestating this would be. She was very supportive, I had underestimated how often people can understand. She told me 'Taylor was your baby'. She didnt feel the same grief but she understood and respected the depth of mine.
On here I think you will find other people that truly understand the depths you are in.
It can feel like your soul is being shredded.
I didnt feel anger till about the 5th day, then I went slightly OTT in the bathroom.
With a toilet seat! It actually survived..

I am doing small things that I thought I would never do again. This tells me I am climbing out of the hole. Slowly. I think I realise now that healing is not being disloyal to Taylor, if she were here my distress would upset her. I'm far from healed but I feel I wont despair forever. I will however love her always. Right now Im typing and feeling okish, tomorrow morning I may be in floods again. Its up and down whereas in the begining it was constantly down.
Another thing I realise is that my grief is for me. I hurt so badly because I miss her. Wherever she is now she is no longer paralysed or in pain. She is free, healed and happy. Probably her only concern is why her mum is crying so much.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know at one point I never wanted to feel better so right now for you perhaps feeling better is not an issue, but sharing your pain and knowing you are not alone may be enough to give you some strength.

Thank you both for your responses... they have meant so much to me...
And you're right... right now i don't know if healing is something I am looking for.. I just want to grief for my angel... I want him to know how much I miss him....
Once again thank you so much for understanding....

Dear Luckyone,

First of all I want to let you know how sorry I am for you. There is absolutely nothing worse in the world than loosing a loved person or pet in an accident. It is unjust, unfair, unacceptable, uncomprehensable. It's only normal that this makes you angry with everyone and everything. Even I, who lost my dog to old age on May 6th (which must be far more easy to cope with than what you have to go through, in my personal opinion), have been mad at moments with the world, with my boyfriend, with everything. It's easier to be mad than sad!
When Guinness was gone I felt absolutely nothing. That upset me a lot. I think it must have taken over a week before I could even cry again over him. In this week my mind must have protected me, because it did not even feel strange that he was not there to greet me, not there to pet, not there to take for a walk. Taken into account that my father died only 6 months before, I think I just could not cope with this intense loss
I knew this was not normal, of course, since I had loved him more than anyone in the world for 11 years. Bit by bit things have changed and I had crying fits from time to time. The frequency has decreased, but at some unguarded moments something can hit me like a hammer and I am off again.
I do not try to hide this, but I do feel I am alone with this, however much other people understand this. It is true, nowone can take away the pain when the link between you and your best friend is cut, when he/she dissapears. But as you said, it helps to come here, with people who are in the same situation and just let it out.
Back then the advise I remember reading on most sites was that you should just live through it, that there is no way avoiding the pain, nor can anyone say how long it takes and how you will experience your grief.
But you should take care of yourself, rest, eat well, sleep a lot, take a holiday, give yourself the time to heal. And remember as much good things about your lovely pet.

I hope this helps you to see that what you experience is completely normal and also that you are entitled to feel angry.
I wish you all the strenght to cope with your loss

Essy

Oh, my dear....yes, yes, yes, EVERYTHING you feel and don't feel right now is completely and absolutely normal. It can be no other way, and everyone who has responded to your post knows precisely what you are going through because we, too, are living in our own private prisons of grief.

There are so many things I would have said to you had I been the first to reply, but those who got here first have done a wonderful job and, if you do nothing more than continually re-read their responses, it will help.

But I must respond especially to your feeling the need to be part of this forum. Please, please, please do come back again and again, no matter what your state of mind or emotions...we will always welcome and support you and do our best to comfort you as well.

The picture of you holding Lucky immediately re-opened the wound of losing my precious Spike, my soul dog of 14 years, on May 23. It reminded me of our "tummy naps", where I would lie on the sofa and he would lie on my stomach...tummy to tummy...and how I would risk starvation, dehydration and a ruptured bladder so as not to disturb his peaceful little snores. I would give anything for one more tummy-nap with my boy.

Love and prayers in this long, slow process of healing,

Juanita

Lucky's Mom, how are you doing? You and I lost our babies the same day, in the same way. I am sooooo sorry. It's taken me days to even begin to accept that he's not coming back. That I can't undo this. I still keep having hope that maybe, just maybe I can change this. It's just so wrong. For them to die for such a random senseless reason. I alternated between absolute numbness and howling grief for days. Oh, and anger! That didn't hit me until Day 3 and then I wanted rip anybody's head off. One thing that made a difference to me was remembering how I met Mink. He was at a kitten rescue shelter, and from the moment I walked in the room he recognized me. I don't know exactly how I've known him before, but *bam* he knew me from the first instant. "Oh! There you are! Been waiting for you." It was truly odd, and I even wrote about it in my journal that day. So when I think about having to let him go, there's a tiny ray of hope I cling to that if he found me once, he'll find me again. His brother Willow is a new soul to me, and we aren't nearly connected the same way, but we're going to have to learn how to be family to each other. Another thing that helped was writing down all the little things he did that enchanted me. I didn't want to lose him from 'here and now,' because I knew I'd forget details, so I wrote pages and pages of them down. His horrible little kitty breath. The fact he kept his claws sheathed when we played "pounce" with my hand under the covers. The fact he'd arm wrestle with me for Chinese barbequed pork. Or lie across my keyboard until I couldn't type anymore and had to pet him. (There is still some of his fur here, and I won't clean it up yet.) The first days suck SOOOOO badly. If you're not hungry, forget the food, but keep up with water and vitamins. Keep posting here, I want to know how you're doing.