Yesterday morning I had to put to sleep my beautiful cat Puck. He had been with me 16 years - my entire adult life. He was the one true constant in an ever changing world of people and places and things. His little body suffered diabetes and chronic renal failure and by the time Sunday night rolled around he was having stomach problems, had lost 5 lbs., and we couldn't do anything but give him peace. Now I can't get the thought out of my mind, and I can't stop crying.

Is it natural to feel this empty inside after losing my kitty? I don't feel like doing anything, nothing interests me, and it's so painful to think about. I can't look at pictures of him without crying. I never thought it was possible to feel this much pain but he was my little buddy and my loyal friend and now he's gone. I just want my kitty back.

Dear Shaun I am so very sorry for your great loss.I felt just like you when My cat passed on.She had been with me for around 18 years; I felt empty and nothing else mattered, I just wanted her back. As you say, they have been your constant companion for so long,it is terribly painful. I hope it is some help to know that you are not alone in feeling like this.

It is absolutely and completely normal to feel as if your life has been shattered. So much changes in an instant.

We will always miss them but for better or worse will will manage to move on. Just remember and cherish all of the wonderful things about Puck as those memories are made of gold.

Good luck.

Time really does heal all wounds. My beloved dog went to Heaven in March and I thought I would die. But now, I feel much better and the grief only comes back occasionally. For example, I went to the store yesterday and was almost reduced to tears when I passed the dog food section and realized that I would not have to buy dog food again. Our pets are the lucky ones. They are free of pain and suffering and are in eternal bliss. We, on the other hand, are still living in this broken world with all its problems and suffering. The grief DOES get better as the weeks roll by. I know it's hard to believe, but it's true. Grief also makes us weary and tired and drained, but that gets better also. I am sorry for your loss.

Dear Shaun: I too agree, it is time that will help and the length of time is different for everyone. I lost my Abbie 3 weeks ago this past Monday and I was still crying myself to sleep as of this last Mon., 6/12. That was actually the worst night and I thought I was losing my mind; I felt like instead of getting better, I was getting worse. She was almost 18 and just the most wonderful, sweet kitty. Putting her down about killed me and I still haven't been back to the Vet's to pick up her ashes, I feel like I'll get sick just walking in that office. She was like my little girl baby and I too felt worse over losing her than when my Dad died 4 years ago. I keep trying to figure out why this is so horrible and the bottom line is that I miss her so much it hurts. She was just sweet and loving and the unconditional love and her companionship is what I miss. The "constant" of her is gone and my house feels empty. She was a real "snuggle bunny," so I miss simply holding and hugging her. I find pieces of her fur in the oddest places and lose it all over again. I went to a Hospice Grief Counselor last Thurs. and am going again tomorrow morning. I can actually say though, last night was better and today, so far, even though I feel sad and miss her like crazy, the intense grief seems a little less so. If you would have told me last week that I'd feel like this today, I would not have believed it.
So, cry as much as you need to, take off of work if you have to, LET yourself grieve and keep coming back to this site and any others you can find to get it out. It really, really does help. Hang in there...I am maybe considering going in a few weeks to the local Pet Refuge (no kill) shelter to look around. I was told I would just know when I was ready and/or if I found a kitty that tugged at my heart strings. I am scared to death in some ways, but the gift of Abbie that I had for so long was worth every minute of it.

Dear Shaun,
What can I add to what others have said? We are all here for the same reason and, although the cir%%stances vary, the result is the same. Intense pain, crying and usually doubts, second-guessing and "what-ifs". It sucks, but it's normal, and it can't be gone over, under or around....it has to be gone through.

I can relate to the message posted by SHO713. I made the heartbreaking decision to euthanize Spike, my soul dog of 14 years, on 5/23. The first week was absolute hell...half zombie-numbness and half searing pain. Week 2 the numbness went away and made way for more pain, this time physical. The one-week anniversary of Spike's euthanization was torture. I watched the clock and re-lived what we had been doing at the exact time one week before. I lost it at work and had to leave early.

The three-week mark was this Tue, and I thought I was doing better, so on Thur I didn't check into my support sites. What a huge mistake! I cried myself to sleep that night, with pain as intense as I felt at first. As soon as I got back in touch with my friends here and in another forum, I started to feel better. There is something about knowing other people are feeling the same thing at the same time that is comforting. So, Shaun, please keep coming back to this site and any others where you feel comfortable. And keep crying when you need to. It all helps, and it does take us different lengths of time to heal.

I've been trying to figure out why it hurts so much to lose a pet. I have no human children, so I thought maybe I was substituting animals for kids. But then I read from so many people who do have children, and they suffer as badly as I am. I think the reason is because the animals are totally dependent on us for their entire lives. They look to us for love, care and protection, and we do everything we can for them. Then, when old age or illness or an accident takes them from us, we feel that we somehow failed them...that we should have done more, done better, done something different. Making the decision to euthanize has its own special set of "the guilts", but I'm finding that, no matter how the end came, we who are left are suffering because a light has gone out of our lives.

Sometimes when pain threatens to overwhelm me, I say this "Rather than mourn the absence of Spikey's flame, let me rejoice that it burned so brightly for so long". This is not a miracle healer, but it does bring me back to a place of gratitude and reminds me to say Thank You for the 14 wonderful years I was privileged to spend as Spike's best friend.

Dear Shaun, it only three days since you said good-bye to your sweet friend. Just know that everything you feel is appropriate, understandable and normal. I believe it is something of a tribute to our dear pets when we allow ourselves to mourn their passing gracefully, without trying to rush the process. The depth of our grief is equal to the depth of our love...and we loved them...a lot.

Prayers that happy memories will soon replace the sadness you feel today,
Juanita

Thank you for this enlightning quote. Each time I see it, it acts as a reminder of what is really important. I think I need to make something permanent with it that I can place with her other stuff that I look at each day. Ya know, all I tend to do is beat myself up over thinking she feels I betrayed or abandoned her by choosing to end her suffering, when instead she is probably feeling nothing but love for me and grateful for all those beautiful 16 years we spent together making wonderful memories. As though losing her by putting her to sleep isn't bad enough, I really hate that the dreadful decision I made on that terrible day is also able to cloud 16 years of loving memories.....

I can attest to the fact that what you're feeling is absolutely normal, and you'll go through it again and again. I went through it in December, and now again today. You really never get over something like this - it becomes part of your life and becomes part of who you are as a person. It hurts and hurts and hurts some more, and I found in December that the only thing that helped me through it was reading the words of others who have been through this same thing. My family, bless their hearts, tried to help but really had a hard time relating to the utter devastation I was feeling. I fully expect it to be that way now - they'll try, but they have lives and graduations and summer plans and work, and while I know they care, there's just so much other people can do to really relate to what I'm going through. Anyway, the short story is please come back, we do understand, so please take care - if you were feeling any other way, you wouldn't be normal!

Dear Shaun-

I am truly sorry for your loss. You grief is completely nautual. A special relationship that lasted an amazing 16 years deserves to be mourned. Don't let anyone tell you any differently. I was an absolute mess after my most beloved friend of 9 years died. Today marks 5 years since he passed. Honestly...I didn't know how I could go on living without him. I had never had any pets before him, and I always thought of him as my little boy who needed me. When that was gone, it was like I had lost my only sweetest child. I couldn't function very well for the first month or 2, following his death.

Grief counselors say that the 'stinging' unbearable pain will last about 6-8 weeks.
Then you move into a sort of numb place. The first year, for me, was mourning. i mourned every montth on the 18th. I mourned his birthday, his death day and all of the 1st holidays without him.

Posting at LS helped. I bonded with several people here who were suffering with me also. I chose to get professional grief counseling...that helped too. Even though I could never 'replace' zachary, the act of literally rescusing a dog from an animal shelter, to honor Zachary, brought me a degree of comfort.

I found an odd sort of peace in knowing that through Zachary's death...another little soul would be saved and be united with ME! I co-existed with this new little rescue dog for months....I gave her a home and tended to her basic needs.

She was saved because of Zachary's passing. That was a comforting thought. her name is Lucy. She is alwyas and was always a very gentle, loving, low-key dog. I never felt that she competed in anyway with Zachary's Memory. I never felt like I betrayed him. I felt that his death gave her new life with me purpose, and THAT is what i needed so badly. Purpose.

I wish you much healing on this long journey without your sweet friend. I hope that that you have loving and supportive people nearby who respect your loss. There are many here like that. Remember, your kitty dwells within in your heart now, she is ever close!! Soon you will feel her there... after the truly sharp pain subsides a bit.

In Peace and Healing,
Kathleen
Loving human to
Zachary *daiquiri*
November 8, 1991- June 18th 2001

[quote=5catsmom,Jun 17 2006, 09:14 PM] I can attest to the fact that what you're feeling is absolutely normal, and you'll go through it again and again. I went through it in December, and now again today. You really never get over something like this - it becomes part of your life and becomes part of who you are as a person. It hurts and hurts and hurts some more, and I found in December that the only thing that helped me through it was reading the words of others who have been through this same thing. My family, bless their hearts, tried to help but really had a hard time relating to the utter devastation I was feeling. I fully expect it to be that way now - they'll try, but they have lives and graduations and summer plans and work, and while I know they care, there's just so much other people can do to really relate to what I'm going through. Anyway, the short story is please come back, we do understand, so please take care - if you were feeling any other way, you wouldn't be normal! [/quote]
[/QUOTE][QUOTE] you never really get over something like this-it becomes part of your life and becomes part of who you are as a person. How true! I want this suffering to have a purpose. I feel like that, family do not really understand the utter devastation. I felt a bit guilty too because I seemed to feel a little better and also I cannot cry,although I did the first few days. If you will allow me to pour my heart out I have suffered with depression since My mother died when I was a young teenager. I was already on anti depressants when my dear cat died.She had been with me longer than my m other, I realised. I went to the doctor and he arranged for counselling. I was feeling suicidal to be honest. I think I have been in a numb stage. I worry that I took my cat for granted.I can also empathise with ,for example ,avoiding certain aisles in the supermarket,and feeling emptiness when you visit places you went to with your pet.This is Grief.My other worry is that I haven't looked at photos ,I should have done earlier but I am afraid of how it might make me feel. Reading the messages here helps me feel that I am not alone. I notice that a lot of people seem to worry that they will be thought 'mad',but I find it natural to care deeply for animals.

I, also, can't look at photos, and find myself avoiding the street where we found one of our departed cats. And I think when we have depressive tendencies anyway, it just multiplies the pain when we lose a beloved pet. (Although I keep waiting for my anti-depressants to kick in now when I need them they haven't yet done so.) I keep waiting for my Groucho to show up to be fed- he came at night usually, being a feral - and stand at the door and cry knowing he won't be back, and it's an agony no one else can understand. I know from experience it will fade and he will become a cherished memory, but these first few days I can barely take care of myself, never mind the kids, cats and rabbits. But I also know, from experience, that we take care of each other and hold each other up through cyberspace the way no one else can, perhaps. Take care, you're not alone - Barbara

Dear Taggy's Mum

May I respond to feeling that you should have looked at photos before now? You may or not know Dr. Wayne Dyer. He has written many self-help and self-improvement. His very first...about a hundred years ago when I was young...was called "The Erroneous Zones". I will never forget his suggesting that readers ask themselves at day's end "Did I should on myself today?". Say it quickly a few times, and it sounds exactly like what we do when we try to accelerate the grieving process. We may not be able to look at photos...or touch the "blankie" or put the collar and leash away...until next month, or next year. It's OK to feel whatever we're feeling. Let us not add self-punishment to the pain that is already in our hearts.
Juanita