I had to euthanize my baby yesterday. Cinnamon was a beautiful 12 year old tabby cat. She was my little princess. She was beautiful and she knew it. Last May, she was diagnosed with diabetes. It took us a year to finally get her regulated. Then two weeks ago, she started becoming lethargic again. She'd stopped eating and I tried everything - even my secret weapon - tunafish. Nothing worked. Then I discovered a spot on the floor near the litter box. It was blood. Unfortunately, I have three cats so I didn't know who this came from. After a couple of days, I found that it was Cinnamon and I rushed her to the Emergency Clinic. There they diagnosed her with a urinary tract infection. Needless to say, things went from bad to worse. Tuesday, I came home from work and found her on the floor barely moving. I rushed her to the clinic and there they found that she was so bad that she barely registered a temperature. She was just a short time from death. Yesterday, we discovered that she had fluid in her abdomen and was begining to have seisures. The vet called me back later in the morning and said that I could take her to an internal medicine vet but that he said that it didn't look good. I knew he was right. I knew that Cinnamon's little body was giving out on her. I told him that I didn't want to put her through any more. He asked if I wanted to be there. Through my tears, I told him that I couldn't bear it. I know that I did the right thing for Cinnamon, but I feel so guilty about not being there for her at the end. I just couldn't handle it and I don't want to remember her that way. But I can't get over the guilt. I miss her so badly. I know it's only been a day, but I see her everywhere in the house. I have been crying non-stop since this started. I feel so badly because throughout everything that this poor cat has been through in the past year, I always told her that I was there for her and I couldn't be when it counted the most.

I keep expecting her to come around the corner or to be lying in her favorite spot soaking up the sun. I realize that everything will get better, but I can't believe how empty this house is without her. I have two other cats and they seem to be handling this ok, but I'm not. I am sitting here thinking that I can't wait to get her ashes back because then I'll have her with me again in a way. That way she'll always be with us.

Thanks for listening. I've been crying the whole time that I wrote this but it really has helped to put my feelings into words with people who don't think that I'm crazy for feeling this way. I only hope it gets easier.

cinnagirl:
First off, let me say how truly sorry I am that you've had to endure making this horrific decision. It is by far the hardest one I ever had to make. It sounds to me that it was the best decision for your little angel though. As horribly hard as it is for me to comprehend, I do believe that we are forced to make the decision to take the pain on for ourselves rather than have them suffer.

As for the guilt, you'd be feeling that whether you were there or not. I was there when my Freeway was put down, and the guilt I still to this day experience is unreal. Not to mention that most of the time when I think about him, all I see is him dying and that I LET someone kill him. Guilt is a natural (albeit, horrible) emotion as a result of this kind of situation. It does get easier with time... It's been a year, and I'm having a lot more happy memories about Freeway now. I smile more than I cry.

Hang in there, and write as often as you need to. You may not always get a response but you can be sure that people are reading and thinking about you. I remember when my pain was fresh I had a really difficult time responding through my tears.

I'm so sorry for you loss. Guilt is normal and something we all have to work through. As jenn aptly put it you would be feeling guilt whether you were there or not. As one who has been there for all of my animals in the end, I felt (and still do) guilty. But you know you did the right thing. Her time had come and you made the most loving decision you could have made.
As for promises, I made a promise to my Rock that after he got better from one of his problems I would give him a nice piece of steak. I never did give it to him and when he was gone I felt absolutely awful I never gave him his steak. Silly I know, but I felt I had lied to him by not giving him what I promised. It still bothers me I did not do it (he went to the bridge in January).
Even though you are devastated right now it's best to think of all the memories you made with her. Think of the all of the good moments you had with her. You've given her a loving home for 14 years which is more than a lot of animals receive.
Take your time to grieve and know you can come here anytime to vent, cry or whatever. We've all been through it and can help you work through your pain.

Take care,

Chris

I felt guilty too and I think that it is a very normal thing to feel. I felt like a murderer even though my dog was suffering badly and it was time. I felt like scooping him off the table and running from the vet. All his life, I had protected him from dangers and accidents, etc and now I was letting someone kill him. But what if I had stopped the euthanization? It would have been cruel to him because he would have just suffered even more. I think everyone here felt just the way you do. I think that if we could have asked our pets, they would have said that they were proud of us for being so brave to think of them and put them to sleep.