I lost my baby on May 12. I still hurt so bad and cry all of the time. I feel so selfish because I have two beautiful children and a wonderful husband but I can't find happiness now. I also worry about my other cat all of the time. I am worried that she is going to die too and I am finding myself obsessing about it. I don't think I could handle losing both of them. I know that it is suppose to take time but I do not know if I can handle it anymore. He was like one of my children. I can't imagine my life without him and I am having a hard time accepting that he is gone. I have to fight so hard everyday to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. It almost seems like someone who has a drug addiction, if they could just get through one day at a time.
I got another kitten for my surviving cat because she started to get sick. I am not sure if she is going to accept him or not because it isn't Meiko. She wakes my up at 4 in the morning (every morning) to play with her. Her and Meiko use to wrestle around and play through the night. I get up and play with her because I know that her heart is hurting probably more than mine, which I can't imagine. He was my friend, my companion, my constant. Somedays I think if I could just die, I would be with him again, but that isn't fair to my family. I have had a million animals, but none have EVER touched my heart the way he has. I went into a petstore one day just to look at the animals and there he was. He was missing his back foot and the lady that worked there said she would sell him to me for $150.00 since nobody wanted to take him. His was a pure bred Maine Coon. Without a second thought I told her yes. I brought him home and immediately fell in love with him. I can't stop thinking about all of the what-ifs and I-should-haves. He was still so young. It isn't fair that God took him from me. I try and hide my pain from my kids and husband so I spend a lot of time alone, crying. His ashes are going to be ready soon, I dread that phone call. I have this pain in my heart, thinking I want him back. I know that no matter how much I cry and want him he will never be with me again. This thought kills me and is driving me crazy. I am having a hard time typing.....

Mymeiko I just want to let you know that while reading what you wrote it could have been me typing.
I know how bad it can be. My mornings are unbearable, remembering all over again that Taylor is just not here.
I grab her photo and walk round with it, talking to her as I go. For me it helps.

I think I have gained some strength knowing that others feel what I feel. On here I am not so alone.
I believe tomorrow my girls ahes will be returned. Tomorrow I will again want to be wherever she is.

The pain is ours because we miss them so desperately. I know that no matter what, Taylor is at peace with no pain. I despaired at her unhappiness (she wanted to be released) now I despair over my own.

Life has to get better and we have to heal. We wont ever forget or stop loving them because they are entrenched in our hearts.

I imagine Taylor looking at me wondering whats wrong! I tell her 'well its because Im missing you mrs!'.
Talking to her is helping me.

Still there are moments.
Im thinking of you and understanding your despair.

Thank you for your encouraging words. Some days I do not think I can even get out of bed. Some moments I am fine and then it will just hit me. I can actually feel pain in my chest as the tears start coming out.
I am sorry for your loss. I do not wish this sadness on anyone. I hope that with time we can heal. I do not want to feel selfish because I know that everyone here has felt similar pain but sometimes all I can do is read what people post. It does help a little, but nothing can bring him back and that kills me. I think it might have been easier to accept if I knew what took his life. Not knowing makes me think about what I could have done differently or the vet (which is who I put most of the blame on). I know that he is not suffering anymore, I just wish he was here not suffering.
My female cat is also mourning really hard. There isn't much else that I can do for her other then give her love and attention. It just isn't the same for her though, I am not him. I know that we are helping each other, I wish I could do more for her. I keep obsessing that she is going to make herself sick.
I had a bunch of his pictures developed, some days I can look at them enough and others it hurts too much to look at them. I can still hear him cooing and I can still feel his soft fur.
I know that nothing I do can bring him back, I am still lucky that I got to spend what little life he had with him.
Anyways, thank you for your kind words and listening to me vent. It does help. I hope that you are able to find peace with your loss.

You are very welcome.
This forum has helped me a lot simply because I know I am not alone in my despair.
I get through the day (just sometimes) but the evenings are eased by coming on here and being able to connect with others experiencing the same depth of loss.

It makes this darkness less lonely if only for a brief time.
It gives me strength.

The words on here are obviously not simply lip service and that makes a difference I think.
I know on here the advice and support is genuine.

I think I believe that we will heal. At the moment that thought is more like a betrayal to Taylor than comfort. I suspect we will reach a place when we absorb the idea that our beloveds would not want us to feel so terrible.
Its one thing knowing that in our heads but another to accept it.

My thoughts are with you.