Hello. I guess I just need to vent my feelings because I feel I am going crazy.
I cant talk about it but writing is different to saying the words out loud.
I have asked my friends not to contact me for a while because I can not stand to explain all the misery of a week.
I am laid in my bed, surrounded by photos and one rather smelly harness (thank heaven I didnt wash it recently!).
A week ago my girl shattered a disc in her back. We had to drive 120 miles to get her to specialist surgery.
Told that she will probably remain paralysed from waist down.
I start checking out wheels, carts and dismantling door frames, thinking life will be different but still good.
Picked her up friday night and the light was gone from her eyes. Vet was worried about fatal complication where spinal chord dies all the way until the inevitable.

I think looking at her I knew then that she had the complication.
We took her home and really it was just dreadful because nothing I did brought any light to her eyes.

I made us a double bed on floor and held her paw. Told her how precious she was. Begged her to try and get better.
Next morning I took her to vet wanting her to be fed something and bladder emptying(she wouldnt eat and I was unable to empty her bladder). Think really I needed confirmation that it wasnt going to get better.

He said she was probably now in some discomfort and in his opinion there was nothing could save her.

So we asked him to end it there and then.
Excruciating. I kissed her soft beautiful sad face as she left this world.

My heart has been ripped to shreds. There is a void in the house. I cant deal with my small son. All I want is to curl up in my bed and only come out when I can be with my girl again.
Ive cried several rivers and still more comes.

The only thing bearable is the idea that there is an afterlife and so we wil be reunited yet it seems so incredible to me. Beyond my hopes. I desperately want to believe but doubt always creeps in.
I talk to her like she is still here. I have to. Ive put pictures up everywhere so she is still here wherever I look.

Can grief make us crazy? Selfishly I think death would bring sweet release but I have a child and husband who I love dearly and who need me.
All the joy has vanished. I hate my garden (which I loved) I detest the flowers because they have no right to look so pretty when all I can feel is sorrow and heartache. Minutes feel like hours dragging by.
She was 6yrs and 5 months old. A beautiful irresistable bull dog. I feel robbed because she only jumped on the sofa and wham thats it.
Is there release? How can I be a good mum again when all I feel is darkness?
Where will I find the energy?
We will receive her ashes later this week and I feel it will just about finish me off.

If there is another life surely all our loved ones would be included?

Im sorry my first post is this one. I just need to tell someone how it really is. My husband has been so supportive, I dont want to freak him out anymore. I dont talk too much because its all inside. I feel that its not getting better, sometimes its unreal then clarity sets in and Im all over the place again. Im like a zombie running on empty.
I love my girl with all my heart. I miss her every second. I dont know how to cope with it.

Taylor has the most beautiful gentle soothing soul. Life is so dark without her. Everything is bleak. Thankyou for a place to share my pain. It goes round in my head but at least Ive shared my desperation. Thankyou for reading.

I am so sorry for your loss.
Tears are just running down my face as I read your post.
I just started writing again on this site.
We lost our dear dog, Snowy, on October 21st of 2005.
She died from complications of Diabetes. It was the most horrible thing that we ever went through. My mother even took it harder than I did. She cried all of the time, she hated everybody and everything. She didn't even want to bury Snowy. She slept right beside her body night after night and pretended she was still alive. Finally after three days we had to convince her that we had to let Snowy rest in peace, and we did bury her.
Snowy was just such a big part of our lives. We had her 11 years. I know it may sound strange, but it was like she was a person. We could talk to her and it was like she understood what we were saying.
She was just so perfect.
I know exactly what you are going through. We are still grieving. I can tell you that it does lessen in time, but never truly goes away. We still haven't been able to get another dog. We are thinking about maybe trying to get one in the Fall.
This site has really helped us. Also a few months after she died we went to the park where we used to take Snowy and we wrote a letter to Snowy and we tied it to a balloon and we stood there and cried and talked to her. Then we let the balloon go. It helped a little.
We have four cats left now. Unfortunately we recently found out that one of our cats may be Diabetic now too. So we have to feed her special food and take her back to the Vet in a few weeks.
So this is just bringing back the horrible memories of Snowy's death. And it is like the whole nightmare is beginning again. We just can't lose another pet so soon.
And another horrible thing happened too. My Aunt's dog died on May 10th and she is really going through a bad time too. She is now writing on this site too under the name Mary June. We were very close to her dog, Murphy, too.
As far as animals going to Heaven, the way I feel about it is if there are no animals in Heaven, then I don't want to go there. I believe there has to be animals in Heaven. Heaven should be a wonderful place that has everything we want there. And if I could choose anything that I wanted in Heaven, it definitely would be animals.
I do believe that we will see our dear pets again someday.
We just have to remember that we gave them a good life. We loved them and they loved us so much. They would want us to go on and be happy. They love us unconditionally and love that strong can never really die.
I know it is so hard right now. I just hope that I helped you a little.
I will be praying for you and thinking of you.
Love Wendy

You are not alone. Everyone on this site understand, having suffered similar losses. Many have had experiences that confirm that our pets' souls go on. Shortly after my Daisy passed away - in my arms, my husband and I both dreamed that she visited us. We had the dream on the same night at almost the same time. In our dreams, we both wanted to tell the other that Daisy was back! This was too much of a coincidence and the dreams were too vivid. I know she came because we were so unhappy and she wanted us to know that she was alright - safe with God.


I feel bad that I selfishly want her back when she is with God, whose love is greater than any humans.


Daisy's Mommy

Thankyou for your kind words and support.
Today was no easier, I try to do normal things but then find myself in floods again.

I developed almost a hundred pictures of Taylor today. I have them placed in strategic places so that where ever I look she is there. It started with a few now it's looking like a shrine I guess.
All I can say is that looking at her pictures make it less real.

I am talking to her as though she is here (probably more so), tell her Im really sad but only because I miss her.

At times Im almost dazed not knowing what Im supposed to be doing.

I am dreading her ashes coming home and part of me thinks I am trying to deny her being gone.
Sometimes It hits me that she's gone and I can not stand it, it truly is soul destroying. Then its back to sniffing her harness kissing pictures and watching the cam corder. There are empty spots all over the house, in the kitchen where we kept her bowls, the sofas especially. Eating is an ordeal because we arent sharing any bits!

I was driving this morning sobbing because the weather was so perfect. Taylor should have been sitting in the garden squashing my new planted roses.
I spent months getting my garden beautiful for summer and now I couldnt care less. I find the flowers depressing.

Some one commented to my husband that it was a beautiful day and off I went again, how can anything be beautiful without my Taylor in the world? Crazy, but these are my hidden thoughts.

Truly if Taylor is not in the after-life then I dont want to go there either.

I feel so drained. Sometimes sureal and other times in excruciating pain.

I want to feel better and find some peace and yet another part of me never wants to feel better.

Im glad I can share my feelings with others who understand the depth of this grief. Yes Taylor was no less a person to me. I have 2 children just that one has 4 legs and is waiting on the other side now.

I have so many blessings in my life and right now I havent the energy to appreciate the joy in any of them. Nothing seems good anymore.

Thank you for your replies, the kidness of strangers... I am trying to consider how your loss affected you and that I am not alone...and that it doesnt always hurt this deeply. Thankyou for sharing your grief with me.
Perhaps one day I might be strength for someone else.

Daisy's mum, I am also praying for a sign that will help me know she is not truly gone. You are blessed.

Angels Im sorry for your loss and pray that your cat stays well.

You have both shown me that I am not alone although my grief is overwhelming I am not unique or strange. That alone is some comfort.
Thankyou.

I just wanted to let you know that I picked up my Kandy's ashes yesterday and I know how you are feeling. The last few weeks have been excruciating and sometimes surreal, and I felt like picking up her ashes would just make it so final and unbearable. When I got the call to pick her up, I started feeling like it would be physically impossible for me. Then I remembered that I have been with her through everything and I wanted her home with me. I got in "the zone" and went to get her. Her little bag of ashes was so small. The vet clinic wrote me a card which I really appreciated and I stopped on the way home to have a good hard cry. I can't even describe how much I miss her, but it really is good to have her home again, not wondering where she is and when they will call me.

I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Yes, grief can be a very powerful force. It can feel like your world is ripping apart when you lose a loved one. It can make you doubt your sanity, your religious beliefs, and your future existance. I think that no one is really prepared for the life-altering feelings we go through when we ride this tide of emotions through its course and there is little that anyone can say to make it better. Most of the grief process involves adjusting your 'world view' so that this loss makes some kind of sense in the larger scheme of things. That is something we have to do individually but having someone in real time to talk to about the experience can help you to sort out your feelings. Find someone close to you who can understand your deep loss and who will be willing to simply listen as you describe the situation. You don't need someone who will try to 'fix' the problem but rather someone who will help you to express yourself and then work through the tough feelings. An animal care professional who specializes in grief therapy can really help you to reach an acceptance you can live with.

The hole you feel will probably always be there and there will be moments even years later where the emotions come rushing back for awhile. You will, in time, be able to reach an acceptance of the loss and will be able to remember fondly the good times without beating yourself up over the loss. After Daddy Cat died I cursed to God, screamed, cried, talked to myself, and generally fell apart. It took time and the assistance of a kind listener for me to sort through my feelings and to make some sense of this horrible loss. It also helped that I made a tribute site for Daddy Cat. That helped the feeling I had that he would not be remembered, that he was completely gone. Though it helped, the emotional scars are there and I still can't look at the webpage without my eyes filling with tears. I've reached an understanding in my religious beliefs but that doesn't mean I have to like it, just accept it.

You *will* get better but it takes time to stitch your world back together and it will never be the same world as before. You adjust, that's all. You just adjust and accept the changes.

All the best in your healing journey,
Ken Albin

Thankyou everyone.
How wonderful that like minded people can join together. For once my pc has helped rather than frustrated!
Today was hard, I spent my first day at home. Lost my cool this morning and beat my sons toilet seat into next week. (actually I kicked it...repeatedly).

Cried my heart out this morning, actually called a place that helps with pet bereavement only to realise that it is closed on Wednesdays! I thought the pain was going to drive me insane. It was really unbearable.

Some relief came when I called the breeder to inform her. She is crazy about her babies too. It was quite a help. We talked about Taylor and I even laughed a couple of times. She said something quite true. That it eases the pain to talk about Taylor. Ive noticed that when Im doing something with Taylor (the videos, the pictures etc, I feel better). If Im talking about her that also helps. At the moment I'm not crying.

So Ive learned that for me I need to surround myself with her. I dont know if I'm conning myself into not fully believing the reality, it helps though.
Ive also learned that rather than Taylor being mine I am actually hers.

It is true that we re-evaluate life. Im seriously considering making big changes in my life.
Life seems so much shorter.
Grief is torturous but I think it can only come from great love.

This site has helped.

Either tomorrow or Friday I will get the call to collect Taylor's ashes.
My husband will collect them because I cant even drive into the town never mind go to the Vet. I am angry at the vet for no good reason. The anger has only surfaced today. Even my husband asked if I was angry at him (I wasnt- he's been like a rock). He said I looked angry....
Well perhaps I'm just feeling a bit like I was robbed of the most precious gem in the world!!

I will get through it because there is no alternative.
I may not be strong or together but surely I cant cry forever.

My heart is pounding again because of the thought.

I appreciate that you have taken time to respond to my grief. I am so consumed that I do not browse the other threads. I hope in the future to be able to rectify that but for now thankyou for your support.

It feels like this will keep on going forever. I want to heal but it feels too impossible....