Two days ago I had to put my cat, Hero, to sleep. Even though I knew his time with me was ending I still couldn't believe it would be so soon. His kidneys failed and after a week of desperately trying to get him hydrated again, the vets said there was nothing more that could be done. I know that euthanizing him was the most humane thing to do, but I feel like I murdered him. My best friend was with me at the vet and we both started crying when the vet said that putting him back on the IV would only prolong the inevitable. The vet left us alone in the room together to decide if I wanted to put Hero to sleep and both of us knew it had to be done. The worst part was that when I brought him to the vet I really thought they would be able to help him, and when I think of how he meowed so pitifully when I lifted him from the bed into the cat carrier, my heart breaks because I took him from his home to his death. Also because of his illness we had to give him injections and stuff pills down his mouth, which he hated. As I was sitting there in the exam room thinking that if I had known it was his last day alive I wouldn't have put him through all of that, he got up off the counter and sat down in my lap. Even though I had put him through all that pain with the needles and pills, and took him from his home to a strange, cold place, he still loved me and trusted me. I put him back on the counter and my friend and I stroked him and told him it would be ok while the vet gave him the injection. He went limp barely a second later and I am still haunted by his open eyes as the vet took his body away. I keep playing his death over and over in my mind and I hate myself for being the perpetrator. While most people in my life have been very kind and understanding, I still feel cut off and alone, even from my best friend who also loved Hero very much. I know that putting him to sleep was supposed to be an act of compassion that would spare him further suffering, but I can't stop myself from thinking that he wanted to live. Everyone tells me that I did the right thing, but nothing consoles me. I feel an overwhelming ache in my chest and I can't stop crying. Any thoughts/comments would be greatly appreciated.

I am so sorry to hear about Hero, I felt very guilty as well, like I had killed my little Misty. But I did have advance warning. She colapsed one night during a coughing fit. I took her to the vet and they put her on meds to make her comfortable, but told me it was a matter of days, maybe a few weeks. Even that last 18 days does not make you ready. We are never ready to lose the unconditional love of a pet. Hero wanted to live for you, they all do, but you did the kindest thing. Dying of dehydration would be awful.

My mother had to put our cat down on December 31st, her name was Bailey, she was my baby, I got her form the SPCA when she was 12 weeks old and she was almost 15.. she too had kidney problems. She started to spend more time away from the family but oddly enough came up to spend time with the family Christmas day... even with company there. Bailey in her prime was an 18 lbs cat, very friendly and liked people. On Dec. 30 she stopped eatting and was very restless, she was throwing up, it wasn't pretty. My mom called me and told me her unfortunate plan. When I showed upt to pick them up on Dec 31, Bailey could barely meow, her salva was very thick and mucusy and she was having a hard time breathing. This was very hard to watch someone you love struggle with. THe vets said it wouldn't have been long, but this was kinder way to go, I agreed... Bailey was a mere 7 lbs when they put her into her final sleep. She was existing, not living... Quality of life is more important than quantity.

So as you see euthansia is a hard decision to make, but it is kinder than letting things progress too far. I guess the question you have to ask yourself, if your death was inevitable, and a loved one could save you a lot of pain and suffering, would you want then to help you this way?

Patti

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience with my 12 year old Yorkie and know how you feel. I wish I could say it gets better with time - I am still hoping that one day I will be able to remember her with joy and not pain and guilt.


I try to remember that helping her leave this earth without pain - she was in a terrible, untreatable seizure - was the last the thing that I could do for her.

Also, it helps me to remember that she would have lived and died whether I had ever known her or not, and that the pain I feel now is the price for having had such a dear friend. I would not have missed a minute of it, no matter how I am suffering now. She is worth it!


Anne

Daisy's Mommy

You did the right thing. I keep going over what happened to Meiko and I keep saying I should have done this or that sooner. I think that is part of the grieving process. It has only been 3 weeks and I do not feel any better so I can not say that the pain will pass quickly. Meiko had a urinary blockage and I didn't realize until a day later. How could I have been so naive? Maybe if I would have noticed it that day he would still be here. Did I take him to the right vet? Maybe a different vet would have been able to help him. Did he die from a broken heart, waiting for me to get him? Maybe I should have been more attentive. These are the things that pass through my mind everyday. I hope that he knows how much I love him and always will. So as you can see you are not alone. Your cat is not suffering anymore and he knew that you loved him even though you gave him pills and needles. Pets know what we are feeling, they can feel the love that we have for them. He knew that you were doing everything for him because you loved him. I hope that you are able to heal with time, I hope that all of us who lost a beloved pet are able to heal with time. I would not give up a single second that I had with him. There will never be a pet that could ever replace him, he was like one of my children. I still cry many, many tears and it has been 3 weeks. I can say that the grieving process is long, but in time we will think about them and smile, not cry.

"If tears could build a staircase and memories could build a lane, I'd walk up to heaven to see you again"

I have cried enough tears to go to heaven and back....

I went through the same thing with Kandy on Mother's Day. Even though it is the right thing to do, it is SO hard. Kandy was my soulmate. She loved me through thick and thin. She was in kidney failure, and I tried to keep her going with fluids even though it would only be a few weeks, they told me. Two days after they told me that, she was stumbling around, apparently blind, and bleeding and vomiting. I knew she was suffering and as much as I wanted to keep her with me, I knew she would be better off free from the pain. The people on this forum carried me through those awful moments when I had to make the decision. I was alone and my beautiful dog was suffering.

Please read through as many of the posts on this forum as you can, because I have found many things that helped me to deal with the sadness of what I have been going through.

My vet kept telling me it wasn't time to give up in the last week, and I hung on her every word. The day Kandy had to be put to sleep, the vet told me it was definitely time. This made me realize that it was the right decision. I almost felt like I had waited too long because of how miserable Kandy was in the last 12 hours.

I hope that you can find the strength to deal with being the ultimate decision maker because our pets surely need someone brave enough to be that for them. If it didn't hurt so much I think something would be wrong.

Thank you so much for your comments, I read all of them and a lot of the other posts in this forum and it has helped a bit to ease the terrible guilt. I was able to think of a few happy memories of Hero and have been trying to force myself to stop replaying the moment of his death in my head. I also started to think about how he was when he was really happy, purring and kneading his claws til they poked through my pants, and realized that it has been a long time since he was that happy. He really has been sick for awhile and realizing this made me feel a teeny bit better about the horrible decision I had to make. I found the little blanket he slept on the last day or so of his life and it still smells like him so I took it to bed with me last night. The guilt is starting to lessen but the pain is still overwhelming when I wake up in the morning and he's not there curled up in my bed. I want to echo what "MyMeiko" said about hoping that all of us will be able to heal with time. I am so glad to have other people who feel the same way I do and just to know that there are people out there who care so much about animals makes me feel better than I have in the three days since Hero died.

Sweet people,

How well I recognize how you feel. And I feel for all of you. Having to decide things like this are the most horrible decissions in our life. Especially since animals do NEVER give up themselves.
When Guinny was already very weak, I used to put him in his nest and talk to him. I asked him several times to "tell" me when it was time, so I would know that the inevitable would be right for him too. Now I know he would have tried to stay with me whatever, because I needed him, because I loved him. And when I said goodbye to him forgood he looked at me and I felt like I had murdered my best friend!
From the moment he died in my arms I have felt a piece of myself, in my mind, in my heart, is missing. And that has given me strenght, although it is a terrible feeling, because it told me that we had a mental bond, much stronger than I would ever have imagined.
I believe now more than anything that our furbabies KNOW that we love them, even when we are not there, even when they are at the vet and leave life without us.
Someone put it very beautifull, that euthanesia is the last beautifull thing we can do for our beloved pets. Nowone wants another being to suffer needlessly.
And do not forget, taking this decision is very brave!!! There are people that can not take this decision, with terrible consequences.

Lots of love and strenght to you all

Guinny's essy