Thursday was my son's 14th birthday, and we spent it together on his 8th grade trip to Springfield for two days (I was a chaperone). When we returned home on Friday afternoon, my little buddy Toby wasn't in the house to greet me as he usually is. My youngest daughter told me he was outside. So I went out to look for him and he was nowhere around. We live in the country and own a small business. My husband's office is in a building on our property about 500 yards from the house. When I went into his office to ask him about Toby, he told me that Toby was dead. I became hysterical. When he told me that he backed his truck up without looking and ran Toby over, it was unbearable. He was very despondent and sorry, but I could not help but be angry at him. Toby was in the back of his truck covered with my husband's shirt, and when I touched him he was still warm. I cried many tears over his little body and told him I was sorry that I was gone, that maybe if I was home he would have been in the house with me. He would sit at the window for hours waiting for my car whenever I would leave. He was my shadow, we did everything together. He was the best friend a person could have. He was 12, my youngest daughter doesn't know life without him and my son can't remember life without him. I have really tried to comfort my kids but it has blasted a hole in my heart. My husband has also cried many tears, some in front of the kids. We buried Toby yesterday, so I have the comfort of knowing he is near. This pain is more unbearable than I thought I was capable of feeling. These posts I have been reading say the pain will go away but I don't believe it. It was a horrible unneccesary accident, and I know my husband did not mean to do this. I have tried to get over my anger with him and forgive, and outwardly I am telling him that I know it was an accident. He is suffering in ways that I cannot imagine because he was the one responsible for taking my little buddy. But sometimes I can't even look at him. I miss Toby so much, I expect to see him when I walk around a corner or I hear him breathing under my desk. He should be here with me now, and I feel that in some way I let him down because I was gone for two days. And now he is gone forever.

Boy do I know how u feel! If you haven't already read my post I had a similar experience a while ago. If you haven't I'll abbreviate it. It's still tough to retell. I had to get rid of a beloved cat-mainly because my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer( I never did get how one could link to the other but that's irrelevant now). They died within 2 months of each other, so I've never been able to have any closure in either situation. To this day I have an incredible amount of anger towards my mother. And it's been years since I've been to her grave, and I have no plans to anytime soon. The biggest reason is that I can't go back in history and change anything about it. We never communicated about it. Take my word for it! It's not what's said and done that makes or breaks relationships. It's what isn't. Naturally, you're going to be angry at your husband. He obviously is in pain over the whole situation, and feels terrible. I never got that my mother ever gave a rat's ass about my cat, and we never had a chance to repair that. At least you two can communicate and maybe begin to heal at some point. I'd give anything in the world to be able to do that.
There are two things(if I could impart any wisdom), which I've found that do help. I use this site regularly-at least once a day. There's a lot of comfort in knowing you're not alone. The people here are great, and they do care. You really and truly are not alone. Secondly, even tho I'm not at all religious in any way I do pray a lot. When I got as far as I could get on my own steam I tried, and even tho I have no great spiritual insight, but I really do believe there's some greater force that watches over us, and helps us to heal in our own good time. I'm so off the wall that Fred Flintstone is my version of a higher force.(A bit nutty some may think, but it works for me)
We're all here for you.

First I'm so sorry for your loss. I know you are absolutely devastated right now and know what you are going through.
You are right, the pain never goes away, it just dulls as time goes by. We all have a special place in our hearts for each of our babies. You will find as time goes on that the pain will dull, you will cry less and less and life will still go on. But for right now let yourself grieve and allow for all of the emotions to come through.
As for the anger towards your husband I can understand. But let him know you are angry at him. Both of you need to talk through this. Last thing you want to do is to be resentful of him, and have him feel like you'll never forgive him. Communication is the key so make sure you keep those lines open.

You will get through this and what will help is to remember all of the good times you had with your buddy. Concentrate on his living, not the dying. The dying is but a moment, where the memories you made together will last a lifetime.

Take care - Chris

Well said Chris.

The last days were really hard but I cherish all of the wonderful memories. I always will.

It's been a week and two days, and I miss Toby most when I wake up and he is not with me. It makes me nervous to see my husband's truck back up, and sometimes to even hear the sound of his truck. I have been able to talk to some people about our recent tragedy, and most are very understanding and have even cried with me. Usually the first thing I hear from them is "Your husband must be devastated". At first I resented hearing that, since he is the one that took Toby away from ME. I realized that I was being selfish, Toby was taken away from all of us and my husband has to live with this for the rest of his life. Though I feel that it wouldn't have happened if I was driving, that I was always aware of Toby's whereabouts, but I know that it is possible it could have been me. Sometimes I don't want to forgive him, but it doesn't change anything. Toby is not coming back, and I am now trying to justify his death. I really hope these events mean something, that somehow it has increased awareness in other people to be more careful with their vehicles. I could have been one of my kids. Last night we had guests in our home, and one of them said "I'm sorry, but I think that any animal that doesn't get out of the way of a moving vehicle is pretty stupid." Toby wasn't stupid. I'm having a hard time with his comment now, maybe that's why I am writing today because I feel I have regressed back to resenting my husband. I really hate how my emotions play ping pong like this. Going through my 10 year olds school papers, she wrote on the back, "I miss my Toby", and the teacher commented, "Who?". We are all missing our Toby.

It is so sad that, in addition to the terrible burden of losing Toby, you also have to deal with such an emotional overload due to the cir%%stances. I don't know whether I could ever forgive. My husband came close to killing our dog Spike by trying to give him my pills (including 3 blood pressure meds) instead of his own. He hadn't paid attention when I told him which pills were which and just grabbed the first pill container he saw. Thank God, St. Francis and whoever else "up there" was watching over my sweet Spike because he refused to eat the pills even wrapped in his favorite roast beef. The poor dog would have been dead in minutes. Of course, my husband felt terrible and actually told me that I should have comforted him!
Anyway, I hope you can concentrate on your feelings of loss for dear Toby and not be eaten up by anger and restentment. He is gone regardless of the cir%%stances. You can replay the scenario a hundred times and do what-ifs for a month, and it won't change the reality.
It will be a week tomorrow that I had to make the horrible decision to euthanize Spike, and I have second-guessed myself many times over. Spike was 16, and we'd been soulmates for 14 years. The poor little guy had cancer, "doggie alzheimers", arthritis, heart and lung problems, and the last few months had been a steady decline.
My worst time, too, is in the morning. Before I'm even awake in my hed I'm aware of the ragged, gaping hole in the middle of my body.
I hope you don't suffer any more than you have to. Grieving the loss of a beloved pet is burden enough. I wish I had a magic answer for what you are feeling, but just know that the pain you feel is equal to the love you had for Toby, and I'm right there with you in that pain.
Sending healing hugs your way.
Juanita

It's been one month today. I hope I never have to live through another month like I just had. I still miss him so much, but I am not crying as much any more and I feel guilty about that. I am starting to get used to his absence and I feel like I am betraying him. My parents were here for a visit from out of state last week and they brought Daisy, their two year old Westie. My mom said Daisy was looking all over the house for Toby, everyone feels his loss. They also brought the ashes of their two other Westies, Abby and Annie, who died within the last two years. They buried the ashes next to Toby, so now they are all together again. Annie was Toby's mother and Abbie was Annie's mother. There is a lot of comfort knowing they are together, and I feel honored that my mom wanted her dogs here with me. They are going to try to breed Daisy this winter and hopefully they will be successful and we can have another Westie. Sometimes I feel that nothing can ever take Toby's place and other times I feel that waiting until Winter is unbearably too long a wait. I still feel that there is no reason for us to lose Toby this way, it's just not right that he is gone.

I don't know how you restrained yourself from decking the person who said a dog is stupid if he doesn't get out of the way. I applaud your restraint.

It's nice to know that the doggy family is back together again. And yes, winter is a long time to wait but while I'm definitely a shelter and rescue person, if you're meant to wait, you will.

Take care - Barbara

I felt a little better hearing you say the same thing -- that you feel guilty for starting to feel better and adjusting to Toby not being there. It was a week ago yesterday for me, losing my young healthy cat to a speeding car. I have to go back to work tomorrow, and am trying so hard to suck it up to be able to get thorugh my work day. I don't have the kind of job where I can just 'coast' by until my focus and concentration are better. I interview people who are applying for welfare. By definition, their stories are sad, depressed, complaining, and driven by physical problems, drug use, abuse, and personality disorders. I'm leery someone's going to piss me off, or I won't be able to connect empathically because my pain seems worse than theirs. I don't feel like going, but financially there's not a lot of leeway right now. The only way to get through the day is find a way to set my personal stuff aside, and that feels both impossible, and disrespectful to Mink. ---Why didn't I put up one of those Invisible Fences at the front of the property? Why did that never cross my mind until after he died, even though I was always worried about him and that road?

Dear Mink & Willow's Mom

It is now 5:50 p.m. on the east coast, and I'm hoping that you have either gotten through this difficult first day back at work, or are close to getting through it. I remember how unbelievably hard it was going back after losing Spike. It will be a month on Tuesday, I'm still having multiple cry fests every day. I hope tomorrow will be a little better for you.
Juanita

It may help to remember that your husband is not only suffering the same grief that you are, but is also suffering terrible guilt. Imagine if you had carelessly caused Toby's death, the pain would be unbearable. Yet, your husband has to bear it, his own grief, his guilt and the unhappiness of the entire family.

I don't think I could have forgiven my husband if he had caused Daisy's death, and I am sure that he could not have forgiven me if I had caused it. This is not a good thing and probably is a result of long-term resentments.

Since he wasn't responsible, we were able to share our grief, and in a way, it may have brought us closer together for a moment in time. She was the delight of both our lives and we were the only ones who could understand how the other felt.

Tragedy can bring people closer together or tear them apart. Where there is love, the first should happen. Try to have empathy for him. Put yourself in his place. It may help

Good luck,

Daisy's Mommy

I am 39 years old. My parents' first "child" was a westie named Augustus (whom they called "Augie."). My parents doted on Augie and he was a very spoiled dog; he even had his own room before we human children came along.

When I was about 3 years old, my dad was going to work in the morning and ran over Augie backing out of the driveway. I remember my dad telling my mom. I remember the twisted, pained look on his face, I remember my mom putting her face in her hands and sobbing.

That was 36 years ago. My dad is still tortured with guilt over it. My mom has alzheimer's and I don't think she even remembers Augie. But whenever his name comes up, my dad still gets that twisted, pained look on his face.

I think it is so natural to want to blame somebody. Guilt is a recurring theme on this board; when we can't find someone else to blame, we blame ourselves. I think it is perfectly normal for you to be angry with your husband, but I also think he is probably very angry with himself. If it had been your kids at the wheel, or even you -- can you think of things you might try to do in order to heal the pain, rather than be angry and resentful?

I am so sorry for your family's loss.

--Jennifer

It is unfortunate that you lost your little one in such a terrible manner.

This world is full of terrible people who do terrible things. They torture children, pets, each other - they make life miserable for everyone around them. The run companies where their employee's lives are hell, the run shelters where people and/or animals are abused...

Your husband is not one of those people.

It is perfectly natural for humans to look for blame. But there really isn't any to be had. We can scream at the heavens for letting Toby get caught under the truck, we can yell at your husband for not looking, we can blame ourselves for letting Toby outside to begin with... but the truth is, this was an accident - and nobody can turn back the clock.

The pain DOES fade - I thought, at first, that my heart would stop beating. It's not that you stop hurting, but the mind has a way of taking the good memories and making them a bit "louder" than the sorrowful ones. In time, the good memories take over and the tears are much less often.

It is as a tribute to those lost loved ones that we OWE it to them to continue living as fully and completely as possible. Our pets are shining examples of beings that live, from day to day, in complete acceptance of what goes on around them. We need to live that way too.

Tell your husband how much it hurts, let him talk about how regretful he is. Then move on. You owe it to yourself. And you owe it to Toby.

I just joined the board and read your story. So sorry for your loss. If you have not read about me, my dog Nugget was shot twice by police serving a warrant on my son. I have the same thoughts about my son. If the police did not want to question him, they would not have had the warrant and been at my house. My son does not live with me, but got in a fight with his girlfriend the night before and asked to stay. The police were there the next morning right after I left for work.
They held my son for 3 days in jail, then released him. For those 3 days, I was so distraught about Nugget and so mad at my son, it was like he was doing time for killing Nugget. Funny how we think. When I went to pick my son up Friday night, I was screaming at him all the way home, blaming him for Nugget's death. That was my first reaction. I know that this is not fair because Nugget was my son's dog that he raised for 2 years, and I have had him for the last 3. So my son was hurting, too.

Toby's Family -- I am sorry to hear about Toby! I am sorry for you, TobysMOM--because I know if that happened to me I don't think I'd be able to stop myself from railing at my husbnad -- saying things like ' How COULD you be so careless? What were you thinking?' -- thus hurting myself more, by shutting down his ability to emotionally respond to and suport me as well as hurting HIM more; making the healing process that much longer for the family.

I hope the months to where you parents' bitch whelps go speedily by, and a new little furbaby is there to chase the butterflies and the birds, who will have gotten much too complacent fat and brave during their freedom from Toby's watchful gaze.

i haven't been able to come back to this site since my original post, the day i buried aggie. i just couldn't bring myself to do it for some reason. this is the first time. i want to thank those who posted sympathy and kind words and i appreciate all of it so much. the days have gotten a bit easier, until something reminds me of aggie. and everything reminds me of aggie. i'm still not really ready to write about him. i saw this topic though and it hit home like a bullet. my partner mack is the one who let aggie outside with the other dogs and caused aggie's horrible death. i was asleep at the time. aggie didn't get along with other males. ever. when he was a tiny pup until he was several years old his own father would attack him if he got the chance. i don't know why, they were like oil and water. aggie was fine around people and female dogs, but a male, no way. for that reason we never ever let aggie outside with the other males, all of whom are much bigger than aggie. he didn't care. he didn't know his size and he'd never back down from anyone. rather than have him torn up in a fight, we just kept him away from the other males at all costs, to the point of erecting gates around the house and having a schedule for which dog was outside at what time. never at any time was aggie around the other males. on this particular day though, mack decided he'd let aggie outside with everyone else. unsupervised yet. it was over in a matter of seconds. mack then took shadow, who'd killed aggie (one of mack's farm dogs, with a history of killing no less) immediately to the pound to be put down. only after he'd taken the dog to the pound did he come home and wake me to tell me aggie was dead and why. he then tried to keep me from seeing aggie and when i said i had to call someone to have him cremated right away, mack told me uncerimoniously "no, there's no money for that". we just bought this house (the money pit) and mack handles all my money (never let anyone handle your money. dumb idea.) so i was pretty well powerless at that point. so i wrapped aggie in my best pillow case and put him in a box and into the freezer. it seemed like the most sane thing in the world to me. i was going to keep him there until i could stash away enough cash to have him taken care of properly. anyhow, i was in shock and initially it didn't register to be angry with mack. as the day wore on though, it came. so did the blame. and to have him tell me how much it hurt him and how he loved aggie, well, all i wanted to do was physically harm him. i felt he had no right to even mention aggie's name to me. he said he thought he was doing aggie a favor by letting him out since aggie loved the yard. which he did, but not with the big dogs out there. i blamed, and still blame mack. it was a stupid stupid thing he did and aggie paid the price for it. aggie had no teeth. he couldn't defend himself in any way. then to add insult to injury, later that day mack left and after he'd been gone awhile i called him to see what he was doing. he said he was grocery shopping. he showed up awhile later with shadow, the killer. and not one grocery. he'd gone back to the pound and paid $115 to get the dog back after telling me i couldn't have my own money to cremate my dog. i lost my mind over that part. aggie's death and mack's behavior since have changed things around here. i still blame him. i'm still angry with him. i refuse to listen if he says anything about aggie. i no longer trust him at all. i don't even want to be here anymore. that's why it was so hard for me to bury aggie here. i'm about ready to give up my half of the house and everything else and just go. and i'll be leaving aggie behind forever. and that tears me up. i know it's not him under the stone out front but just a shell he inhabited while he was here. it just makes me ill to think of leaving here and going 1200 miles away and not ever even being able to see his stone anymore. i don't know if i could ever forgive mack. and i'm not fool enough to think that aggie's death alone caused all the strife around here. it was just the frosting on the cake. i have tried to forgive shadow. that's not going to happen either. i'm kind to him. i treat him well and make an effort to spend time with him and pet him, brush him, all the other things i do with any of the other dogs. the feeling isn't there and he knows this as well. even if i brush him and talk to him he growls quietly and looks away. i'm afraid of the dog. i'm also afriad he'll hurt one of the other small dogs. when he was loose on the farm he had a long history of killing dogs, cats and chickens. if i'd known that i'd never have let mack bring him here. he's alpha dog around here. jet black sheherd mix, truly frightening to look at. i've always been leary of him but now he's just evil to me. he stalks the yard like some kind of wild thing. a daily reminder. i realize i'm rambling here and i apologize. i'm still very very angry and bitter and seeing this topic brought it all to the surface. this is all coming out so fast i doubt it'll even make sense. i also had an experience with someone making comments about animals and what should be done with them last week at work. an otherwise kind and decent woman said some of the most idiotic and uncaring things i've ever heard in reference to animals and people who love them and she had a few choice suggestions as to what should be done to both the animals and the people. i got so angry i was actually unable to speak. but i've had a week to think about it and i'm her supervisor, so this week should be interesting to say the least. i've always loved animals more than i like most people i've met. i even rate shadow higher on the food chain than i do people like this woman at work. things are still pretty raw i'd say. i miss aggie very much. he's always in my thoughts. i dream of him. i know he's here with me and always will be. even mack can't take that away. my heart goes out to anyone who's lost a friend like aggie. i didn't understand why my mother was so upset when i was a kid and her dog died. she carried on for years over the dog and i had no clue why. i get it now. i really get it now. i apologize for going on like this. there are so many stories to read here and so many people who understand. i need to come here and see these stories and learn from these people. the trouble is, being here makes it all seem so fresh and painful again. i had gotten to where i only cried once in awhile now, but here, forget it. it's nonstop. i'm a grown man. i have grown sons and grandchildren and here i sit crying over a little brown dog. and all the other little someones in the tales everyone here tells. maybe instead of avoiding this site i should be here and let it out more. maybe then the anger and what i fear is turning to hate will go away some? maybe then i'll be able to talk about aggie and what an interesting little guy he was? what an important little guy. he loved and he was loved. is loved. i don't know if i'll ever get over losing him. i think i'm afraid that if i get over losing him i'll forget him. my best wishes to all who come here. t.

My son's birthday is Friday, and with that brings the anniversary of losing Toby. It's been a difficult year without him, so many things he would have been a part of. It's hard for me to go to the tree he was buried under, but I can look at the tree from a distance and smile because I know he is there. We did get a new puppy, who is now eight months old. He is so different than Toby and in many ways I am grateful because I didn't want him to replace Toby. I do miss being able to let him out with me and not have him chained up. Toby would stay by my side and LISTEN to me. Tyson does not, and he has so much learning to do. Toby was my shadow, the kids used to say he only loved me because he would follow only me around. Tyson loves us all and follows the kids around and misses them when they are gone. Sometimes I think he just tolerates me because he is not my shadow. But that was a place reserved for Toby and I am okay with that. I still miss him terribly. The place in my heart has not been filled in with a new puppy, if anything a new place has opened up for Tyson. But it's still hard for me to believe that he is gone. The tears still escape as I write this, but at least now I can see what I am writing. Time does not make the feeling of loss go away. But it does help me remember why he meant so much to me. I can look at his pictures and smile, and I can watch his videos and laugh and talk to the kids about what he used to do. We are really blessed that he was in our lives and I realize that the immense pain in losing him will never overshadow the reasons he was here.

Dear Toby's Family, I am grateful to read your post in seeing how you have been through so much and are coping so well despite such a terrible ordeal. We lost our boy at Christmas time and we are planning on adopting a new puppy in June, the thought of a new buddy gives me mixed feelings, excitement and sadness, I know the new one won't be my boy and thats what hurts I miss him so much and he was my shadow as well..we were so close. I know I will never have another bond like that in an animal friend, its a blessing and that out weighs the sadness although I have to keep reminding myself of that... I am glad you are doing better, what a sad story, I am still astounded by how thoughtless some people are in what they say when you are grieving... peace and best wishes to you, Toby and your family. Tory, Hrudey's Momma

Reading your story just brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry you lost your best friend in such a tragic accident. Anniversaries are hard, too, so I definitely have major empathy towards his first anniversary.

But you are right--the memories we have should be the focus. We lost our boy Misty to cancer in December. I don't know if we would have made it through the tragedy like yours, you should commend yourself for working through the grief over the last year. Best to you and your family and I'll be thinking of Toby.....

Love, Misty's Mama (amy)