I have no where else to go and desperately need to hear from people who've been through what I'm going through. I'm going crazy and my heart is breaking.

Thank you for listening to my story and leaving your words of comfort. I apologize for the length, but I think if I write it all out it may help me sort though everything I'm feeling.

I adopted Lucky Lou, a yellow lab, from a kill shelter back in 1996. They estimated his age at about 4-6 years. So he was anywhere between 14 and 16 years old when he crossed the Rainbow Bridge. He was sick when I got him in 96 from the pound with kennel cough and was so depressed he wouldn't eat. Lucky was 28 lbs when I took him in.

He was my comfort and my baby. I don't have kids so he was my kid. I nursed him back to health and pretty soon lucky was up to 60 lbs, happy, playful, and healthy. We had many years together and I have many wonderful memories of him.

About a year and a half ago I noticed that Lucky was drinking more water than usual and losing weight, despite eating. I took him in to the vet. He was diagnosed with diabetes. We started him on insulin shots 2x's a day. This helped tremendously. Within two months he started loosing his eye sight. The vet said that there was really nothing that they could do and the eye sight going was basically due to old age. Lucky went totally blind within 8 months.

But, he still seemed happy. I spent time every night after work either brushing him or massaging him. We tried to go for walks but it didn't work out too well.

Fast forward to the last 6 months. Lucky started coughing this deep cough with a hack at the end. Vet said it was fluid building around his heart. The coughing got continually worse to where he couldn't sleep through the night. Many many nights I was up with him in the middle of the night. He also had started drinking a lot more water, even though we adjusted his insulin it seemed like it wasn't really helping that much. He started having accidents in the house. I didn't get mad, he's my old baby. I just went and bought a steam cleaner.

A couple months ago he started getting real confused, like he didn't recognize where he was at. And he was still coughing. Basically all he would do is lay down and sleep.

This weekend he got to the point where he couldn't get up or sit down without help. We live upstairs in a duplex, so we started carrying him up and down the stairs. Lucky didn't put up a fight. Usually he hates to be picked up and will squirm to get away (we have to pick him up to put him in the tub). I bought his bowls to him so he could eat and drink. But he just threw it up.

Monday morning I got up and checked on him. He just laid his head in my hands. He was breathing really hard and fast. I could hear the fluids somewhere inside. I helped him up and called to him to see if he'd walk. He did a couple steps and then wanted back down again. He had lost control of his bladder in the middle of the night and was laying in a pool on the carpet.

We took him into the vet. The wait was horrible. About 20 minutes with Lucky on my lap crying my eyes out. I knew what had to be done but didn't want to let go.

The vet asked me if I wanted to see if we could treat him somehow or if I thought it was his time. I told her I think its time. She said she thought so too. I spoke to my baby as he went to sleep. He's being cremated and I'll pick him up next week.

I can't help but feel that I should have had the vet at least look at him to see if there was something she could have done. What kind of mean evil person am I that I made that decision without checking out all my options? How could I do that to my baby? I feel horrible...guilty...ugly. I love Lucky and he trusted me to make things better and protect him. In the end I feel like I didn't do enough. What's wrong with me? Part of me knows that he wasn't going to get better but the other part of me is second guessing my decision. Was it time? Was he ready? Did I put him down to avoid watching him die like I had with my mother 2 years prior? I'm so confused. I hate myself right and at the same time I feel a peace that Lucky isn't going through this. He was so so far from the dog he used to be. But was my decision the right one? Did I do enough that last day? I wish I could go back..I'd ask more questions with the vet.

Heartbroken and confused,
Ruthie

How could you love Lucky so much that you would take away his pain and carry it yourself, you could only do that from a place of love.

Re read you post, what more could you do except maybe let him suffer a few more days, weeks months.

We have to die sometime, even you and i its inevitable, we DONT need to suffer for months on end before we go home theres nothing to be learned from that.

Give yourself a hug you did the right thing, i know its going to be hard to accept that but all the guilt that is to come is just your head not your heart.

choose to listen to your heart.

Love Sue

Ruthie,

I know how hard it is to bear the pain and guilt of having your pet euthanized. 14 months ago, I made that decision with my 20-year old male cat Pavlov. Then, just 3 months ago, I had to make the same decision with my 13-14 year old female cat Ginger. I have recovered from the guilt that I felt about Pavlov. I know that he was ready to leave this earth, and I feel that I helped him make that journey as comfortably as possible. But, I am still struggling with the passing of Ginger 3 months ago. Although the vet and a pet loss counselor told me that I was making the right decision with her, I know that she was not ready to leave this earth, and she would have preferred to stay. That is the most difficult part of my decision. Although the pain and guilt have eased over time, I am still trying to reconcile my feelings.

You made the best decision for your pet. When our pet's qualify of life becomes questionable, the most unselfish thing we can do is to help them pass comfortably and quickly. That is how we justify it intellectually. But, I know that this does not ease the pain and guilt. Please try to remind yourself that you acted in your pet's best interest. You made a decision to help your pet, and you did so out of love and compassion. In time, if you are kind and patient with yourself, your pain and guilt will ease.

Take care,

Sandy

Ruthie, I'm so sorry for your loss!

I feel sure you did exactly the right thing. From reading your post, I think you knew in your heart that Lucky was telling you that it was his time. ....Yes, you knew.

At Lucky's stage, there would have been nothing to help those symptoms. The medical things had already been tried, and some worked for awhile, but the disease was just catching up and then taking over. I think the vet asked you that because she wanted to be clear as to what, in your mind, you were there for. She was probably relieved to hear you say you knew it was time. If there had been something obvious (a "next step") the vet would have made some comment about that specific procedure.

I really believe that Lucky was telling you that he knew.

For some reason, guilt is a natural part of the grief process. Unfortunately, you are experiencing the pain of that.

You will be together again. Lucky is now without any sort of pain or distress, and he's in a realm where he's not aware of the pain of separation from you.

You did the right thing.

Please take care of yourself. And let us know how you're doing.
Sending prayers,
Kathy

Other than using Lasix to help drain some of the fluid buildup for a couple of days, there probably wasn't much they could have done at that point. Saying goodbye as you did was the only thing left to do. There is no need to feel guilt over being a good parent. Now you need to give yourself permission to drop the guilt that was never yours to begin with.

Take care,
Ken Albin

Thank you so much for the replies. I think I may be better once he's back home with me. The vet is suppose to call me this week to pick up his ashes. Maybe then I can start to bring some closure? I've written a lot in my journal and sorted things out. I don't feel guilty anymore, lonely and sad sometimes. I went through my pictures and looking back at how he used to be when he was healthy was a world away from where he was when he passed. It happened so gradually over time that I hadn't realized how bad it had got.

Thank you all again for the support. It was truly a step in the healing direction just to get it out to start working through.

Ruthie