I made the difficult switch from the pet sickness and disease forum to the Death one. I still can't believe Kandy died yesterday. I have found immeasurable comfort from the people on this board and from the things sent to me (thank you Karen!) I wish I could say that comfort stays with me, but I am having an unbelievably difficult time just getting through everyday things.
Twelve years ago Kandy was in a pet store in a small town in Texas. I already had Kirby and whenever I saw Kandy there I thought I should bring her home to Kirby, but my husband said we couldn't have another pet. I got to the point where I was stopping by the pet store every day on my way home from work, praying that someone would have bought her. There she was, always, just looking at me with those doe-like eyes. She never had any water in her cage. I started asking them every day to give her water. One day they asked if I wanted to hold her. When I held her, she looked up at me with those beautiful eyes, and peed all over me. She seemed so afraid and she needed a home so badly. I went home and begged my husband to let me have her. I asked the pet store what would happen to her. They said they were about to send her back to the breeder because nobody was buying her. I HATE pet stores, so I made a deal with them that if they sent her back to the breeder that day, I would go buy her from the breeder.
We went to the breeder's house and I knew I had made the right decision. There were small kids everywhere not being nice to the puppies, especially Kandy because she was the runt and couldn't get away that easily. She was so skinny. I wondered if she would ever get long sheltie hair. Living with us, she became the fluffiest, chunkiest furball you have ever seen.
From the moment I brought her home, she was afraid of anything that moved except for me and Kirby. Over time, she grew less afraid but she never did let strangers pet her (except for vet and kennel people). When it was time to start our family, people told me that my dogs would take a back seat and our relationship would change. This made me so sad. When I was pregnant with my first child, I sat down with my dogs and had a very tearful conversation with them (no, they didn't talk back but we were still having a conversation). I vowed to them that they would always be as important to me as that day, and I held true to that promise. They only became more important to me over time. They never took a back seat. I loved them unconditionally and they gave me that love back, the kind of love that can be found nowhere else on earth.
Kirby really watched out for Kandy. When the vet came yesterday to put Kandy to sleep, we let Kirby smell Kandy and I thought it would help him understand. But today I see him sniffing all over the place for her. It is breaking my heart even more. I guess I always thought he would go first because he is 3 years older. I never pictured this scenario.
My 8yo daughter made a bag the other day when Kandy was sick, brought it to me and told me we could keep all of Kandy's stuff in there when she was gone. When Kandy, died, she brought out the bag. Her leash is in there (totally smells like her), letters from the kids, pictures of Kandy with angel wings drawn by my son, her slew of meds that she never even had a chance to take, and the two pictures of her that I took the day before she died. She looks so beautiful and healthy it is unfathomable what happened to her in the last hours. My 6yo son takes out the bag from time to time, arranges all of these things in little rows, and sits there staring at them, sometimes crying. Then he neatly puts everything away until the next time he pulls it out.
This morning I wanted to put her tag on my keychain. I can't find her collar anywhere and it is making me panic. I keep crying, looking everywhere for it. I took it off during one of her last baths. She never really wore it except for at the kennel. I need to find it.
We have firefighter alert stickers on all of our doors, telling how many dogs and cats there are in the house in case of fire. My 10yo daughter told me yesterday I need to change the 2 to a 1. Is this pain ever going to subside?
I am in the guilt stage right now. I felt like I was doing the right things for the last 4 days, but now in retrospect I keep thinking how she must have felt when suddenly she couldn't see anything but black, she was dry heaving and pooping blood. How did it get this bad this fast and why couldn't I help her? Did she know how much I loved her in the end when she didn't even seem to realize I was there?
Thanks for being there everybody. I'm so glad there are people out there who understand the pain - I don't think anybody in my immediate surroundings really "gets it."
Erin